Everywhere By: Beena-Pani
Disclaimer: Everywhere belongs to Michelle Branch or whoever wrote it. Bend it Like Beckham belongs to Gurinder Chadha. I'm not any of the aforementioned people. Work out the rest for yourself.
Pairing: Jess/Joe
Summary: Songfic to Everywhere by Michelle Branch. Jess thinks of Joe. It's as simple (or complex, your choice) as that.
Rating: PG, just to be safe.
Genre: Romance
Turn it inside out so I can see
The part of you that's drifting over me
She wakes with a start, even though it usually takes an elephant threatening to trample her if she doesn't get out of bed to wake her up. But when she looks over her shoulder, he isn't there, and she wonders why. He was there a second ago. She heard him whisper her name. Is he hiding now that she is looking? Or is such a tiny part of him here with her that she can feel him, but not see him? Is she supposed to love him with only the feel of his hand brushing against hers (quickly recoiling in an apology, and then gripping it reassuringly, reassuring himself at the same time)?
She wants to scream his name, feel it roll off her tongue, but close her mouth just before the third and final letter can leave her mouth, squeezing that silent vowel between the roof of her mouth and her tongue. She wants him to hear her, then for him to call back, the distance making it seem like a whistling wind to everyone but her.
And when I wake, you're never there
And when I sleep, you're everywhere
But she wants to see him. And hear him. And feel him, smell him, taste him. She wants to experience him with all of her senses. She wants to stare into his eyes, hear his voice utter the simplest of words and make them sound as though the world depends upon them, hold him so close that even in a blizzard she will feel warm, breathe in his scent and know she won't have to hold her breath to keep it with her, and kiss him, get his flavour stuck in her throat. She thinks this with such longing that she feels tears prickling her eyes.
Before she can do any of that, though, he has to be there. Really there. Whenever she closes her eyes and falls asleep, he is everywhere she looks, but she can only see so much of him before she wakes up and he disappears, leaving her in a terrible frame of mind. If she could, she would sleep forever and make sure he never left her.
You're everywhere
She heaves a sigh and looks over at her companion, who has given up having a conversation with her and started to read a book. She doesn't get how her friend can stay conscious and not nauseous simultaneously. It's amazing. She is actually getting quite sick to her stomach (flying isn't really her thing) and would probably be making use of that airsickness bag if it hadn't been for her friend's breathing. She swears she can hear his name on her companion's breath.
Inhales, she hears his name. Exhales, there it is again. Is her friend doing it to torture her, or is she torturing herself? She cannot find any satisfying answer.
Just tell me how I got this far
Just tell me why you're here and who you are
As she closes her eyes, trying to fall asleep again, she wonders if he will be a stranger to her when she returns. Perhaps she does not know the real him. Perhaps she will have forgotten the real him and they'll have to be introduced all over again when she returns. So who is he, really, and why did he come into her life?
Really.
Was she destined to fall for him, or love football, or simply to fight her parents for freedom? Could it have been any old football coach who told her she should follow her dreams, or would it have been him no matter whom he was?
And with those questions come another batch, this time focusing on her parent's destiny. Were they destined to let her play? Or were they destined to learn that she had to be herself, even if it meant bringing a bit of shame on the family?
All these questions are giving her a headache. She squeezes her eyes as tight as possible and tells her mind to shut up.
'Cause every time I look
You're never there
And every time I sleep
You're always there
And then she falls asleep and welcoming the images of him that are so far away, she must chase him to keep him within her field of vision. Why won't you stay with me? she thinks. Why is it that when she looks over her shoulder in the waking world, he is never there?
'Cause you're everywhere to me
And when I close my eyes it's you I see
You're everything I know
That makes me believe
I'm not alone
Does he even care? She has to ask herself that over and over again before convincing herself he does. How can he not? She sees him everywhere, so he must see her as well, right? Isn't that the way it works? She just can't be alone in this world— she has him.
I'm not alone
That's the way it is. She will always have him, she will always have her. Loneliness is no longer an option.
I recognize the way you make me feel
It's hard to think that you might not be real
But is it real? Perhaps she will not feel loneliness, but will it be there, hiding in the corner of her heart? She can see it now, slowly creeping up on her, but she is so naïve that she cannot feel it there. She knows that she feels love, but maybe there is no such thing as love. Maybe it is all an illusion that tricks foolish girls like herself into devoting their thoughts to someone other than themselves.
I sense it now, the water's getting deep
I try to wash the pain away from me
Away from me
And if love is real, is it worth it? She sighs now, realizing the pain of leaving him. With every second she is carried farther away from everything she knows and closer to America. He is the reason she is going. She should be as excited as her companion. But no, she is not.
Perhaps she should give up. Quit while she is ahead. Never mind this love rubbish. Her parents will be happy. One less obstacle to worry about. She will not have to fight them. It will end her suffering and she will be happy.
But, in a way, she will not. Love is a wonderful thing, she decides. Even if it causes more pain than it heals, it is a wonderful thing. Just like him. So, then, she must be feeling something for him, and if it is not love, what is it? She has been waiting for a long time to be in love and now that she has it she thinks it is fake! How can she think that?
She loves him. Yes, she loves him. And she will always love him, for, as foolish as love is, it is worth it. He is worth it.
'Cause you're everywhere to me
And when I close my eyes it's you I see
You're everything I know
That makes me believe
I'm not alone
So if she loves him, she must fight. Her love shall remain, but it shall be the love of a woman, not a young girl. This love will bring no pain when she thinks of how far away he is; she will feel happiness and joy, because he loves her in return. She will not let him give her any more hurt, but she will not hate him. She will not exclude him from her mind. She will fight for him, and, in the end, she will win for him. She will conquer everything that lies in her path. Her parents will surely object, but that will make it worth it. To have nothing stopping her (Or, she thinks, attempting to.) would be like having a 1-step race against a snail. The upcoming verbal battle against her family will only strengthen her newly found grown-up love, while it would have made her childish love wilt, fade, and die.
And so, with this in mind, she smiles for the first time in what seems like forever, though it is truly only half an hour.
I'm not alone
She smiles because she knows he is out there, waiting for her to come home, just as she is. She knows someone out there loves her. A man loves her, not an small boy. And she is the woman that loves him back. So, theoretically, she can never truly be alone. That can now be proven.
I am not alone
Whoa, oh, oooh, oh
Repeating this over in her head, her smile broadens.
And she knows that, back in England, he is smiling, too.
And when I touch your hand
It's then I understand
The beauty that's within
It's now that we begin
He has changed her love into what it is. He was the one who told her to keep playing. He was the one that, as she once said, made everything seem so easy just after she gave up. The one that gave her hope. The only person that could make her really, truly smile. Not just the sort of fake smile that she gave to total strangers. It was the sort of smile she gave her father when he gave her permission to go to the final. It was a real smile, the sort that is so wonderful it just needs to be spelled with a capital 'S'.
She Smiled, not because she wanted to, or she was being polite, but because the corners of her lips tugged upwards (like a persistent child tugging at an adult's sleeve, saying 'Please, can we go now?' she observes) and she allowed them to form a true Smile. She became a bit embarrassed by this Smile, but she was proud of it at the same time. She was proud she had something to Smile about. And that she had given someone else something to Smile about.
You always light my way
I hope there never comes a day
No matter where I go
I always feel you so
She continues to Smile, and her companion questions it. She tries to find the right words, but cannot. And besides, her mind is on the new completeness she feels. Before, she felt empty, as though her heart was torn in half. Now, she knows what is filling the hole in her heart, what is mending the tears. It is part of him. So, it makes sense that whatever is missing from her is filling in the holes and rips in his heart.
'Cause you're everywhere to me
And when I close my eyes it's you I see
You're everything I know
That makes me believe
I'm not alone
She misses him, that's true. But, he is everywhere for her. Instead of being disappointed that it is never really him and silently scolding him for tormenting her like that, she is happy. He is everywhere, so she is never without him.
'Cause you're everywhere to me
And when I catch my breath
It's you I breathe
You're everything I know
That makes me believe
I'm not alone
The little bits of him that are with her must be blowing around in the very air she breathes. Inhale, he is in her lungs. Exhale, he is dancing before her eyes, making it look as though is anywhere her eyes land. You're in everyone I see Her eyes spot him once again, and instead of pouting when her eyes take in the different features, her Smile widens again, so much now that her cheeks will hurt when she stops Smiling.
So tell me
Do you see me?
Her companion, attempting to help her find the correct vocabulary, asks her just what is making her Smile. She turns to face her friend, huge grin still upon her lips (wondering if he, too, has come to that very mature decision about seeing her everywhere he cared to look), and utters a single syllable:
"Joe."
Jess (it is no longer her nickname, something that is easy to say and saves her embarrassment. Now, it is who she is. She is no Jesminder, not even in her heart. She is Jess.) Smiles and says it again, breathing in deeply (the air that is littered with him filling her chest), and letting it out with her breath.
Inhale.
Exhale,

"Joe."