(First and last serious Author's not for this tale. I do not own the characters, merely borrowed them. Many thanks to Esther-Channah for betaing this. And without further ado...)
Joyride
Watching the Bat Jet take off down the runway, its owner could not help the sinking feeling in his stomach. This sinking feeling was not due to the g-force exerted upon passengers in such a vehicle—which was actually pretty intense—but rather, for two different, but distinct reasons: he was not in the jet and he knew who was. These unfortunate facts led to one distinct conclusion.
This right here is why I don't like having friends over.
While the veracity of that statement was up for debate, the fact that standing around watching the fading glow of engines was a pointless activity was not. It was very pointless to stand around watching an empty tunnel. And the Batman was not a man who indulged in pointless activities for long. (The narrator would point out that one could argue the effectiveness of fighting crime in Gotham, especially as there is evidence it will ultimately result in nothing actually changing. The narrator would then be reminded to shut up.)
What can one do when a very expensive jet goes off without warning? Well, if your name is Batman, you run down the hall and immediately sit down at the bat-computer, wearing the most serious bat expression you can. The reason you go to the bat-computer is because it is linked with—and has the ability to control—just about everything with the word 'bat' in front of it. Except for a few bat-related items, such as the bat expression previously mentioned.
Sitting and bat-glaring at the screen, (yes, the narrator has been told to stop adding the word 'bat' to everything, and yes the narrator has rejected this suggestion), Batman turned on the comm to the Bat Jet.
"Booster, come in Booster," he barked into the mike. "I swear to God, if you took the Bat Jet out for a joyride... just press the blinking button and start begging for forgiveness."
No blinking buttons were pressed, though, as silence reigned over the Bat Cave. This was not entirely unsurprising, but it was also not comforting. It was clear by the way he gritted his teeth that Batman would have preferred to hear pleas for forgiveness. No one could blame him: it was a very expensive and very cool piece of equipment... that had just flown off without him.
Luckily, there were buttons created just for moments like these. Batman pressed them now, attempting to take control of the Bat Jet via bat-computer. There were dozens of safety features for just this occasion. Unfortunately, the screen popped up with an error message almost immediately.
Unable to establish connection with onboard computer.
Apparently, the (Bat)signal was not strong enough.
However, if there was one man not deterred by apparently hopeless causes, it was Batman. Instead of turning the router off and on again like a frustrated teen, he had the bat computer place a call. Who did Batman call when his wifi appeared to be on the fritz?
Well, seeing as it was a teenager of Hispanic origin who picked up the call, it appeared that the answer was the third (The narrator would like to point out how scary it is that they've already gone through two) Blue Beetle. The poor guy had apparently been sleeping, as it was the middle of the night. Sadly for him, he had to wake up to the bat-glare. No one liked waking to that particular expression; bad guys, good guys, small furry animals…
Blinking balefully at whatever electronic device Batman had used to contact him, Beetle asked as clear and concise a question as one could in moments like this.
"Huh?"
Batman ignored the confused and sleepy expression on the teen's face.
"Jaime, I need you to suit up and get to the Bat Cave immediately."
This, apparently, did not alleviate poor Beetle's confusion, as he let out another mumbled, "What?" On the bright side, he sounded more awake. As the teen took in the bat-glare, which had increased in intensity, he woke up a little more.
"I'm sending you the Watchtower's contact information," Batman told him, trying not to get frustrated. After all, even Batman has a bat-heart that understands that not all beings are nocturnal. Weaker beings, for whom allowances must be made. "I'll have them transport you directly to the cave. And Jaime, do not say anything to them."
"I don't know any—," Jaime began to say, but Batman hung up on him mid-word.
While waiting for Beetle to get in gear, Batman settled for clicking around, thinking about why having friends over was such a pain. The way he saw it, friendship complicated things. So-called 'friends" took the most simple and mundane tasks and turned them into 'remember that one time...' events. And when you were a superhero, those times tended to be big events. In some cases, world- ending.
A light he caught out of the corner of his eye broke him away from his musings.
"Good, you're here," Batman said, turning as the light of the teleportation ray faded. "I need you to connect—"
Batman stopped in midsentence. It was rarely good when Batman stopped in midsentence. It was even worse when he stopped in midsentence and immediately batglared. As was the case now.
Blue Beetle was, of course, there—looking all levels of sheepish and uncomfortable. After all, Batman had summoned him specifically, and only the truly fearless and dumb ignored a bat-summons. However, there were three others standing with him who had not not been invited to the Bat Cave. This trio included one of the Green Lanterns, (there were a lot of those too, but unlike Beetle's predecessors, they were mostly still alive and the narrator often gets them confused. Let's see, there's the old one, the angry one…), Superman, and Wonder Woman.
Blue Beetle had been summoned with instructions not to talk to anyone and to go straight to the Bat Cave. The presence of the other three heroes indicated that he might have disregarded those instructions.
Batman tried to remain calm as his anger threatened to overwhelm all sense and reason. This night was not going the direction he wanted it to. So, through gritted teeth, he spoke.
"Beetle, what part of "Don't talk to anyone" didn't you understand?"
Trapped between some of the most powerful heroes in the galaxy and the Bat-glare, Beetle did what any American teen might do in a similar situation. He gave a sarcastic reply.
"Yeah, I was just going to teleport to the Watchtower and then here without anyone saying anything or asking me any difficult questions, like 'Why?'.That was realistic."
The Green Lantern (Still don't know which one. Maybe the one that dresses in blue and gold?) chose this moment to speak up.
"Blue Beetle said that if you were calling for help, it was probably the Reach or someone like them. So, we decided to tag along."
"Beetle didn't want to betray your confidence," Wonder Woman said, before Batman could get a word in edgewise. And he had a lot of words he wanted to get in edgewise, not the least of which were a solid 'Get out.' "However, if the world is in danger—"
It was her turn to be interrupted as the Bat-computer chirped, signaling that, at long last, someone had pressed a button. And that someone had a very loud and irritable word to yell.
"BATS!"
Oh good, Batman thought sarcastically to himself as he and everyone else in the room turned their attention to the screen, which blinked to life along with the comm system aboard the Bat Jet. He's awake.
In fact, he was very much awake and staring angrily at the screen from far too close an angle. (The expression might have been characterized as a glare, but all other glares became angry stares when compared to the mighty bat-glare.) Batman could only just make out streaks of the night sky passing the cockpit from around Booster Gold's head.
"What the actual hell—?"
"Booster, I need you to calm down," Batman said, forgetting for a moment that that phrase generally had the exact opposite effect. Not surprisingly, Booster did not look amy calmer after hearing it.
"Booster Gold stole the Bat Plane." Green Lantern's (Maybe Hal's?) voice held a tiny amount of awe in it. Most people's jaws would have dropped at a thief cunning enough to steal the Bat Jet. But perhaps, Green Lantern felt this afforded too much respect to the blue and gold menace.
"I think it's the Bat Jet," Superman corrected, and Batman could hear his mirth. Apparently, they were no longer worried about the world coming to an end. Part of him hoped ignoring them would make them go away. Sort of the way a child might act, when faced with the monsters that come out of the closet at night when the lights are off. (Not that this narrator knows anything about such monsters. Or would ever compare Batman to a frightened child.)
Batman wasn't the only one to hear Green Lantern and Superman chatting. Booster's blue eyes blazed as the microphone caught the two voices and sent them over the airwaves.
"Was that GL? And Superman?" His voice rose with his indignation. "Do you have the entire JLA there? Is this a prank? Are you pranking me?! Seriously? I trusted you—"
"Think Booster," Batman snapped, trying to keep the conversation focused on what was real and important. "Have I ever pulled a prank?"
"Probably."
Not an unreasonable response, as nearly everyone did at some point in their life.
"I'm not pulling a prank," Batman said through clenched teeth. Gritting one's jaw could lead to headaches and already, he could feel one building. "They're leaving. Now, tell me, what happened."
On the screen, Booster Gold backed up as he began looking around and pressing buttons. This would usually have been a bad idea, as the Bat Jet had quite the onboard armory. Nothing appeared to be happening though. This wasn't any better.
"I was asleep, that's what happened," Booster said, still pressing buttons. "Can this thing even be piloted in your sleep?"
"No, it can't," Batman said, rubbing the bridge of his nose to try and ward off the oncoming migraine.
"What about Skeets? Is he—?" Superman began to suggest. Apparently, ignoring him hadn't caused him to vanish, though Wonder Woman had disappeared. One out of three wasn't bad.
"No," Booster Gold shut down the idea before it started. "I left him at home. Couldn't have him... Damn it, none of these buttons are doing anything. Can you do something?"
"I've been trying," Batman informed him. He'd been trying ever since the Bat Jet had disappeared down the runway. "I've lost all control of it on this end."
"How is it that you keep losing control of your toys?" Booster asked, glaring at the screen once more. "For a control freak, you're out of control of a lot."
"It's not lost," Batman countered. "You're inside it—"
"Yeah, but I'm not in control. So the point stands."
The banter, while a little amusing, was not overly helpful. Batman turned to the Blue Beetle.
"The signal is having some sort of trouble getting through to the onboard computer. Plug your suit—"
"Scarab," Blue Beetle corrected.
"Whatever, into the computer—"
"Bat-computer," Booster Gold corrected, trying to lighten the mood with a joke. As jokes did not have this effect on Batman, his mood was not lightened.
"Shut up Booster," he said without turning back to the screen. Then he continued to address the teenaged hero. "Plug it in and boost the signal so I can get past whoever's blocking it."
"Wait," Booster Gold said. Blue Beetle did no such thing. He was too busy integrating the Scarab into the bat-computer. "Who's flying the Bat Jet—?"
"Stop putting the word bat in front of everything I own," Batman snapped, but was ignored as copyright was a hard thing to dismiss. "And the answer is, I don't know. But it's a secondary problem right now."
"Maybe for you," Booster Gold said, once more beginning the quest for the button that would end his little joyride. It was a good thing the buttons were currently doing nothing, because pressing them randomly was a good way to accidently kill someone. Or someones. A lot of someones. "But you're not the one stuck in a Bat Jet that no one seems to be flying."
"Just stay calm—"
"I am calm!"
Just then, the bat-computer made another chirping noise. A second face appeared on the screen, one wearing a large smile that showed a lot of teeth. The sort of teeth that would make an orthodontist shake his head in wonder, as each one was perfectly straight, and there was no sign of overbite. It would also make a dentist cringe, as they were a disgusting shade of yellow, especially in comparison with his pale white skin.
Batman could sympathize with those dentists, as he too felt a little nauseated whenever he saw that face. The rage that usually accompanied it helped to bury that particularly un-Batman-like emotion. As it did now.
"Why Goldie," Joker practically hissed over the comm line. Batman could pinpoint the exact moment the voice reached Booster, as the man froze and his eyes widened marginally. In a distant part of his mind, he wondered if Booster was thinking of abandoned circuses too.
In the less-distant part of his mind, he thought to himself, of course it would be him.
Joker laughed to himself. A human skull, upside down and filled with punch came into view. A straw was sticking out of it, because one could not be uncivilized when using someone else's anatomy like a souvenir mug.
"It's been too long," he wheezed, as though out of breath from laughter. It was obvious he'd been listening for a while now. "You never write, never call. And we were getting to know each other so well. I didn't realize you were in tight with the Bat."
"Bats?" Booster said, his voice steady. "I am no longer calm."
If Batman had been given to emotional outbursts, he would probably have said the same. Instead, he looked to Blue Beetle, who was staring at the screen with a horrified look of his own.
"Beetle, focus," Batman growled. "What have you got?"
Beetle tore his attention away from the screen "Somehow he's got remote control—" The suit made a sound, and the teen paused, eyes narrowing as he listened. "What's that...? Suit says there's a device on the plane that's hacked into the remote control capabilities of the bat-computer—"
"He calls it that?" Joker laughed, before commenting in a dark voice, "And they call me vain."
"You are vain," Booster commented, though what he hoped to accomplish with the statement was unclear. Maybe he hoped to draw the Joker's attention away from the rescue planners. If so, his sanity was probably questionable at best.
"Shut up Goldie," the madman lashed out immediately, his eyes narrowing as he immediately set about making Booster Gold pay for the act of talking when he didn't want him to be.
Batman turned away from the screen. Watching the screen reminded him of watching clothes dry in a Laundromat, but with the disquieting appearance of a person in place of shirts and pants. (How he would know that is a bit of a mystery to the narrator, as he is rich as sin and busier than the devil. Has he ever even set foot in a laundry room, let alone a Laundromat?)
Superman met his eyes.
"Before the blue bullet dashes off to rescue the blonde bimbo—" Joker continued.
"I resent that!" Booster managed to interrupt without biting his tongue off. Batman made a note to himself to be impressed by that latter.
"Answer me this: I know you can outfly a bullet, but can you outfly a radio signal?"
Batman would have bet on the radio signal. Judging by the fact Superman hadn't disappeared, the big blue boyscout was betting on it too.
"Didn't think so," the Joker cackled. "Oh, we're going to have so much fun, aren't we Goldie?"
"Booster, what about your shield?" Green Lantern (Oh, maybe it's Guy!) asked, not quite ready to give the round to the mad clown. (AN: That rhymed! Sort of…. The narrator is bad at poetry and this note is getting off track.)
"Broken," Batman growled as quietly as possible, hoping in vain that the Joker wouldn't hear. So of course the clown perked up, cackling with delight.
"You hear that Goldie?" he wheezed. "You're as good as toast. Just a matter of when."
"I think I'm gonna hurl," Booster groaned, as the Joker continued to play with Bat Jet's controls. It looked like he was inside a videogame's cockpit. Judging by the expression on his face, it felt like it too.
"Come on, we've only just started doing loops."
"I hate you."
"Quiet Booster," Batman said, not wanting to push the psychotic clown into ending this sooner, rather than later. All he needed to do was buy some time…
"You know," Joker commented, his voice going wistful, "I was hoping it would be you, Batsy. I'd have settled for a Robin. But you, Goldie? An unexpected delight."
Booster's curses were not in any language Batman recognized, as the Bat Jet went into a dive. That might have been due to the pitch at which they were screamed.
"What was he even doing here?" Green Lantern (John?) suddenly snapped. It was clear the intergalactic peacekeeper did not like feeling useless in the Bat Cave. This was probably why Batman hadn't wanted him there in the first place. "And why was he in the Bat Jet? And yeah, that's a little weird to say, Bats."
Strangely enough, Batman thought to himself, watching the screen pensively, I was trying to be a good friend.
(Flashback time! Who doesn't like those?)
Booster stumbled in, his costume torn, his belt slung over a shoulder instead of around his waist. One goggle lens was cracked.
"What happened to you?" Batman asked, after adjusting to the time traveler's sudden appearance. Booster had chuckled darkly, listing to one side. It was clear the hero was beat in every way possible.
"Classified time travel business," he joked. "Kind of went sideways…. Listen, I need a place to crash for a few hours before I face Hunter again. You said you'd be there if I needed help, and after what I just went through, I need it."
Batman nodded. He'd agreed to be there if he needed anything. Calling Alfred over the intercom, he tersely directed the butler to prepare a guest room. And some medical supplies. And food.
"Dunno if I'm going to be able to stay wake for all that," Booster laughed, apparently already feeling better. Avoiding trouble with authority figures could brighten anyone's night.
Unless that authority figure knew you well enough to call your likely hiding spots. The bat-computer chirped, informing him of an incoming call.
Rip Hunter…
Booster's face paled.
"Hide," Batman recommended tersely. Of course, when the legendary Batman recommended something, it generally sounded like an order. And orders from him were nearly always obeyed.
"Hello Batman," Rip Hunter's voice came through the speakers only moments later. "Do you know where Booster Gold is hiding…?"
It took five minutes to finally get to the point where Batman felt hanging up on him wouldn't lead to a home invasion. With that settled, he turned back to call Booster out of hiding. There was no answer. So with a sigh, Batman sought out his friend.
It took only a few minutes to find him. In a strange turn of events, (or it had felt strange at the time at least) Booster was passed out in the cockpit of the Bat Jet. While the angle he was at hardly looked comfortable, he seemed peaceful. Batman stared at him for a moment, before turning away.
Five minutes, he'd thought to himself. Let him rest there for five minutes. After all, how much trouble could he get into just sleeping?
(Flashback time is over, please collect souvenirs from the nonexistent gift shop.)
In the present, Batman was kicking himself for not waking him up.
All I was trying to do was be a good friend….
"This is better than a video game! Let's play chicken."
"Let's not—"
After all, I'm the reason his last one died... This shouldn't have been so hard.
"Batman, we can't just sit here and watch!"
Just listen to him complain, let him crash in a guest room... Why couldn't this have been simple?
"If I could just have a few minutes—" Blue Beetle stammered, attention torn between the screen and whatever his suit was allowing him to see
"Joker's going to kill him for fun in a 'few minutes'!"
All I can do is wait for those two... What would Beetle do?
"What kind of idiot falls asleep in a plane anyways?" Batman suddenly asked, voice verging on the incredulous. Looking up at the screen, he saw Booster's eyes widen with surprise. "You couldn't just go upstairs? And why the Bat Jet anyways?"
"Hey, I was just trying to get warm," Booster countered, catching on to what Batman was doing "Newsflash, you live in a cave. This place is paradise in comparison—"
"Odd idea of paradise. Cramped and dark..."
"Again, cave."
"I'm Batman, not Lightman-"
"That doesn't make any sense."
"Like anything you say does."
"Another bonus to being here? It's away from you."
"Yeah, your current situation is much better than my cold, dark cave."
"You forgot dank, too. Would it kill you to install some sort of system to combat the dripping?"
"It's a cave, not a resort."
"It doesn't mean it has to be… that. I mean, in comparison, the Bat Jet is practically a hotel"
"We'll leave you in it then. I'm sure you and Joker will have a great time together."
"Maybe we will."
"And on the bright side, you'll be warm when he finally crashes the plane."
"I don't believe it," Blue Beetle said, staring in horrified wonder. "You're cracking jokes?"
Batman wasn't sure if it was the idea of bantering in this situation that startled Beetle, or the idea that he had a sense of humor.
"Yeah," Booster responded, looking both ill and proud. It seemed the ride hadn't gotten any smoother. "He does that when I'm around. I bring out the best in him."
"And Joker's going to bring out your dinner," Bat responded, wincing slightly. It had been a while since he'd made jokes like that, and this one was far less refined than his usual fare.
"That was almost crass," Joker commented. He was glowering now, the drink shaking slightly in his hand. "Goldie, you're making me jealous. I don't like to be made jealous."
He's like a psychotic ex, Batman thought to himself. Can't stand not being the center of my attention.
"You're like a crazy ex-girlfriend."
For a moment he thought his heart stopped, though no one would know it by looking at his face.
He didn't…
"What did you say Goldie?" Joker's voice was more menacing than Batman had ever heard it before.
He did.
"I mean this obsession you have with him. You just can't stand to see him having fun with any—"
"Damn it Booster, why don't you just ask him to blow up the jet?" Batman snapped. Too many people had died going down this path.
"What? I'm making a valid—"
"Shut up, Booster."
"I'm with Batsy on this one," Joker said. "It's time to shut up Goldie. Permanently."
"You're going to have trouble with that one," Beetle suddenly spoke up, grinning triumphantly. "Seeing as you are no longer in control of the Bat Jet's computer."
The Joker smiled then.
"What about the self destruct mechanism on my device?"
The smile fell from Beetle's face instantly. Like a child being told Santa Claus wasn't real. Or, more accurately, that he was about to die in a fiery explosion.
"Toodles," Joker said, just as Batman shouted out a command.
"Hit 'eject'!"
A second later, both screens blipped out.
The cave was deathly quiet as they stared at the blank screen.
Please let her have gotten to him, Batman prayed quietly.
"Did he just—?"
The screen blinked to life, with a name and image indicating a call being placed.
Wonder Woman…
Batman hit a button and her voice filtered through the air.
"Caught him."
Batman released the breath he didn't even know he was holding.
"We're heading back now."
"Roger that," Batman said, hanging up. He looked to the Blue Beetle, who looked as relieved as he felt. "Good work, Jaime. Now why don't you call up the Watchtower and head home?"
"No way," the teen stated. "I've got to see Booster and..."
He turned and caught full sight of the bat-glare that was aimed in his direction.
"On second thought, it's a school night and I really need to get at least one more hour of sleep before class. Thanks, Bats."
Superman's and Green Lantern's (Kyle? There's a Kyle, right?) exits were almost as hasty.
When Diana landed, Batman was waiting. Her smile was kind, giving Booster a chance to adjust to being on the ground again. He wobbled a few steps before looking up and giving Batman a sheepish smile.
"Sorry about the Bat Jet."
Batman shrugged. For anyone else the loss would have been devastating, and they would have been curled up in a corner bewailing the loss of such an expensive toy.
Batman had a much better grasp of priorities, though. While he was out a Bat Jet, he was not out an ally. And, after having lost so many to that particular madman, the whole experience felt more like a win than anything else.
"After this, I'm think I may be ready to face Rip—"
"Absolutely not," an indignant voice said from behind Batman. It provoked a smile from the dark knight. Alfred had finally come down. "You are coming upstairs, where I have prepared a room for you. However, first you will shower, and then I will treat your injuries, as you enjoy a quiet meal before resting in that room. Rip Hunter will be contacted on the morrow, and only after I say you are ready."
His tone brooked no argument. There was a pause.
"Will you be tucking me in too?" Booster joked wryly, limping forward.
"Only if you behave," Alfred said, leading the golden hero out of the room and leaving Batman and Wonder Woman alone. She watched the pair leave before looking back at Bruce.
"Are you ever going to explain what happened here tonight?"
"Do I need to?" Batman asked, less sarcastically than he intended. Wonder Woman thought about that for a moment.
"No, I don't suppose you do…. What are you going to do now?"
"I should contact Oracle, find out how that device got onboard and what it was," he said, instantly strategizing. "Joker had to be working with someone; he doesn't have the technical knowhow to pull this off on his own."
Wonder Woman nodded in agreement before lifting up into the air.
"You know, I can do that. I'll have Blue Beetle tell me what he learned and forward it to her."
Batman tilted his head at her inquisitively.
"It's been a rough night, and while Alfred is good at what he does… he knows you better." Her expression turned serious for a moment. "You should talk to him."
There was some validity to that. And while there were some troubling questions that really couldn't wait…
I said I'd be there if he needed someone…
"You're right." Batman said. "You can handle this."
Her surprise appeared and faded quickly. Even rarer than jokes was Batman admitting someone else was right. Batman smiled, heading toward the bat-elevator (never gets old) giving her a two-fingered wave of dismissal.
"Good night, Diana."
"Good night, Bruce"
Then they were gone, leaving the Bat Cave dark and empty.
And Bat Jet-less.