The pain had ripped through me as if I were the one with the bullet wound. I could see the blood on my best friends hands as she did all she could to stop the bleeding. It was not enough. It couldn't be. He had been pit by the perfect shot.
The heart monitor on him prolonged the beep, and a loud piercing scream surrounded me. It was me. I was the one that was screaming. Everything was fading. I was losing everything. Tears streaked my cheeks as my hand cupped my stomach. " No no no" was all I could say as I felt my body shake. He was gone, and he didn't know. I didn't get to tell him. I didn't have a chance to say it. "I'm pregnant" he will never know.
His mother had flown in, his sisters and their families trailing behind. I was invisible to them, lost in their mourning. Such a horrible way to meet them all. My first time, and my last, I thought. They wanted the funeral in New York. I wasn't strong enough to fight. This wouldn't be what he wanted but I couldn't see past all the tears. My hands couldn't function. I was just told, dismissed, fading. I was drowning.
We buried him in the families plot, directly beside his father. My hands were held tightly by Alex and Christina as they tried to hold me up, to comfort me. Lexie couldn't make it, and Bailey well she sat in the wheel chair in front of me. Her body non responsive from the waist down from the bullet she had taken in the back. Richard stood behind me, his hand on my shoulder weighing me down. My legs were weak and as they lowered his casket I fell, silently crying, tears streaking down my cheeks as Christina dropped beside me, holding me until Alex's strong arms wrapped around me and carried me from the scene. I cling t him tightly too scared to let go. He's gone. My body shakes as I realise he has left me all alone, but not completely.
I wake in the morning, tired of sleeping
Get in the shower, and make my bed alone
I put on my makeup, talk into the mirror
Ready for a new day, without you
Numbness...
It had come on at a time when it was least expected. I was numb to everything but him.
Addison had been called back to Grace, Richard was re-instated as Chief. I have no idea what he had said to her to make her stay but she stands above me now, Mark at my side. I don't let him touch me as she applies the cool gel to my swollen abdomen before running the probe over me. The image hits the screen and I can't look and Addison insists on talking. Its healthy, it's the only thing I catch before the sound of the heartbeat surrounds me and I I'm wishing that it was his and I'm remembering the nights that I had in our bed beside him, my head on his chest just listening to the rhythm of his heart as it lulled me to sleep.
Tears slowly begin to fall down my cheeks and I still can't bring myself to look at the screen. I don't want to do this without him, but the alternative is not an option. It's not its fault.
Addison murmurs something about getting prints and I feel Marks absence without hearing his words and I roll to look away from the lights and close my eyes as my body begins to shake. I'm numb to all but him. I can barely breathe and can barely eat. I'm surviving. It's all I can do, and I know that's what their talking about. Their muffled talk eluding me for now, and I try hard to focus on the memory of his heartbeat because I would give anything to hear that sound again.
I'd give myself.
And I walk steady on my feet
I talk, my voice obeys me
I go out at night, sleep without the lights
And I do all of the things I have to
Keepin' you off my mind
But when I think I'll be alright
I am always wrong, cause
Dr Wyatt sits in front of me, watching me in a way she had done before, back before I was whole and healed and I have no idea what I'm doing here but I had been told I had no choice. I'm broken, I can't be fixed. Not this time.
I watch the fish, they're not as calming as they were before. Finally she talks. These days she always talks first.
I slowly begin to respond but it doesn't even begin to fill up the emptiness inside me.
She tries to get me to talk about that day, about the funeral, his family. I don't.
The mini projects are back, as is his mother. It seems as though Mark had begged her to come out and all I can tell Dr Wyatt is that we exist in peace as I'm not too sure what else to say.
She reaches for my hand and I pull away. My eyes moving back to the fish tank. The session ends in the same way it began and then I'm saying I need to pee and am glad that my legs are following my instructions and walking me out of the room and through the blood stained hospital and to my car where it is okay for me to cry because there is no one trying to analyse me now. There's no one trying to judge me, touch me, or trying to make me change the sheets. It's just me, and it.
My stomach brushes against the steering wheel slightly and I feel a small movement, more like a flutter and a fresh set of tears come now, and these ones I can't explain.
My hands don't wanna start again
My hands, no they don't wanna understand
My hands, they just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find
My hands, they only agree to hold your hands
And they don't wanna be without your hands
And they will not let me go
No they will not let me go
Labour comes in a whirl wind, and I don't know where the past 9 months have gone. Carolyn races me to the hospital and I'm not sure what I'm feeling as another pain rips through me and I'm begging for Derek, and I'm feeling their sympathetic glances as Alex climbs onto the bed behind me and holds me, demanding that I push. Obedience towards the only thing I can do right now saw me fight to bring this baby into the world, a baby I had been so numb towards.
They place him in my arms and I'm still whimpering Derek's name, this tiny baby is in my arms for a fleeting moment, and then they are taking him from me for tests.
Carolyn grasps my hand, and for the first time since the end I see her. In a motherly fashion she kisses me on the forehead and thanks me for her grandson. I don't know what to say to her so I nod my head as tears escape me and I can feel Derek's arms around me, even though I know their Alex's, and I close my eyes for a moment and swear that I am breathing him in.
Our son is returned to my arms, and Carolyn's suddenly on the phone and Addison's talking to me, but I hear nothing as I lean back against Alex, and for a moment longer I pretend that its Derek's erratic heart beat that I can feel and I look down into our sons eyes and get lost, but in a way that I'm not used to.
I talk about you now And I see different shades now
And do it without crying
I go out with my friends now
I stay home all alone
And I don't see you everywhere
And I can say your name easily
I laugh a bit louder, without you
I'm almost -never- afraid now
But when I think I'll be okay
I am always wrong, cause...
Christian James Shepherd is a spitting image of his father, and the only hand that I am willing to hold. His raved curls are what I wake to on countless nights as he leans over me and shakes me from a bad dream. I hate that he has to do it, but it's not as common as it could be.
He brings his pillow with him when he climbs into my bed and he promises to lay with me and protect me in the way his daddy would have.
I talk about Derek now, but mainly with Christian, and while the others still worry, and occasionally talk about the possibility of moving on I cry at the thought and Christian tells them that he's all I need.
He helps me breathe, he's the reason I still live.
In him I see Derek. It's too much eight for a little boy, so he will never know that he's the only reason I pull myself out of the bed in the morning, or that my hands can barely hold his. Day and night I still miss him, it hurts to breathe, it hurts to be, but I push on for Christian.
His family visits often, and we got to New York every year and visit Derek's grave, but it's not where he is. He's on the land, and in the home that we were building before he died.
Alex and Christina are here every day. It's Alex who teaches Christian to fish, and takes him camping, doing the daddy things.
Ben brings Miranda out when he gets the chance, and Tuck, who is so much bigger now, seems to be developing a brotherly bond with Christian.
There's no way back as much as I wish there was, and there's no going forward. I'm stuck, but I'm okay. I'm surviving. I'm no longer drowning. I have our son.