Disclaimer: I do not own the A Court of Thorns and Roses series. It belongs to Sarah J. Maas.

A/N: This takes place after A Court of Wings and Ruin so there are spoilers!

He hadn't talked to her in over four weeks...not a single word since they returned to Velaris after the war.

Hell, he hadn't even seen her at all since the night they returned, considering she never left her room. Only Feyre and Elain had seen her since they visited her each day to bring her food and made sure she ate at least some of it. From what Feyre told him, Nesta hardly spoke of anything to them. But Feyre didn't want to press her, wanting to wait until she was ready.

Despite her being out of his sight, Cassian still felt drawn to her and yearned to be in her presence. He wanted to burst into her room and gather her in his arms...but he restrained himself.

She needs time and space, he told himself over and over again. And he doesn't deserve her.

He doesn't deserve any kind of happiness in this life. Not after so many of his men died in the war. To even attempt to find happiness with a life with Nesta...the guilt over being one of the survivors could destroy him.

So he kept his distance. That first night they returned to the townhouse, he chose to drown his guilt in alcohol and only saw Nesta retreat to her room out of the corner of his eye. He fought the urge to look directly at her, not wanting the pain within him to hurt even more. Not wanting to witness the torment on her face. Not wanting to have to fight the urge to run up to her and foolishly attempt to comfort her.

She needed time, he still tried to convince himself.

But part of him knew that her keeping to herself for this long couldn't be healthy. She could be drowning in her own pain.

And so the war within himself continued to rage over whether he should attempt to talk to her. He stared up at the top of the stairs in the town house from his current spot in the sitting room.

Surely, it was all part of his imagination when he suddenly saw Nesta's familiar form appear at the top of the staircase. She began to storm down the steps and stared intently at the ground as she did so, not seeming to notice his presence in the sitting room.

It wasn't until he saw Feyre trailing after her that he realized that this was reality and not a subconscious part of him that created an illusion of Nesta out of his desperation to see her.

When Nesta reached the bottom of the stairs, she immediately strode to the front door, never looking back at her sister or toward the sitting room as she passed.

"Nesta, where are you going?" Feyre called out.

"Out," she replied sharply as she opened the door and shut it behind her.

Feyre rushed over to the door, but hesitated to grasp the handle.

In a few quick strides, Cassian stood behind Feyre. "What happened?"

Feyre turned to look at him. "I don't know. I just heard her door open and came out to find her rushing down the stairs."

"I'll follow her," Cassian replied.

Feyre just nodded and stepped out of the way to allow Cassian to pass by her.

As soon as he stepped through the doorway, he took flight, soaring high up into the air over Velaris. He'd need to keep his distance from her. He just needed to keep an eye on her. Make sure she didn't do anything stupid.

Despite the late hour, he managed to spot her from afar in the dark and watched as she walked down the street.

She didn't wander far. When she neared the Sidra River, she made her way onto one of the stone bridges that crossed the river. She stopped in the middle of the bridge and leaned against the railing to look out over the water as it shimmered beneath the gleaming lights.

Cassian touched down on the sidewalk that led to the bridge, far enough so she hopefully would not hear the flapping of his wings. He then walked toward her, but stopped at the point where the sidewalk met the bridge.

She was faced away from him, and Cassian analyzed her form. Her body seemed slightly thinner beneath her pale blue gown, but not alarmingly so. Her hair was braided and pinned atop her head, which was probably done by Elain.

All she did was lean on her elbows on the railing and stare out into the water, from what he could see.

And yet, he was mesmerized. Maybe it was the fact he hadn't seen her in so long that couldn't take his gaze off of her.

To be so close to her, and yet so far...he found he needed to get closer to her. She was simply magnetic.

Thinking back to the last time they had even spoken to each other, he realized it was during that awful battle with Hybern. He had told her his only regret was that he did not have time with her and promised he'd have that time with her in the next life.

And here he was with another chance in this life. He had a second chance for that time with Nesta...and why the hell was he wasting it?

He began walking toward her, but then he heard the sobs that were escaping from her. She had her head down on the railing with her arms crossed before her.

The sound of her cries propelled him even faster to her side.

"Nesta…" he said from her right when he reached the railing. He wanted to touch her, pull her into his arms...but he was fearful she would scold him and run away if he suddenly did so.

Upon hearing his voice, she perked her head up. She quickly wiped away her tears with the backs of her hands and composed herself. "I should have known that a giant bat would naturally be able to find me in the dark," she remarked in a steady voice as she continued to look out over the water. "Leave me alone."

"No. You can't...can't continue facing this alone. It's not healthy. Talk to me, Nesta," Cassian pleaded.

"You seemed to have no problem leaving me alone these past few weeks. Why start bothering me now?" she said coldly and Cassian could see the fire of hate towards him flicker in his eyes.

"Nesta, I thought…"

"Did you come here just to give me false words of comfort once again?" Nesta wondered aloud as she fought back more tears threatening to spill from her eyes.

Cassian gave her a perplexed look. "Nesta, what are you talking about?"

She paused.

"Talk to me," Cassian reiterated. "Look at me."

"I'm such a fool," Nesta muttered, still not looking at him. "A complete and utter fool."

"You are no such thing," Cassian told her as he took a risk and reached out to shift her body to face him. He placed both of his hands on her shoulders.

But Nesta was quick to shove his arms away from her. "Of course I am. Stop lying to me! I am a stupid girl who failed her entire family. I despised my father when he was alive and called him weak. Tried to have our family starve to force him to act. But then he helped save us all. And how does he get repaid? He was murdered right in front of me. And I couldn't save him."

"There was nothing you could have done," Cassian said softly, but Nesta just shook her head. "He was too powerful, too quick."

"But if I had never taken from the Cauldron, maybe he would still be alive," she said quietly as a tear slid down her cheek.

"You can't waste time dwelling on the 'what ifs.' You'll go insane. And you don't even know if it would've turned out for the better. Maybe it would have been far worse."

She turned her eyes away from him. He reached up his hand to place it against her cheek and used his thumb to brush away her stray tear.

Once again, she swatted his hand away from her. "Why should I bother listening to a liar?"

Her words punctured him. He'll never forget the day he failed to keep his promise to protect her for the rest of his life.

"I know I failed to protect you the day you were put in that Cauldron, and I will never forgive myself. But I -"

"I'm not talking about that," she snapped.

Cassian gave her a bewildered look.

"Then please enlighten me," he simply replied.

Nesta rolled her eyes at him. "You told me your only regret was that we didn't have enough time. So were you just attempting to provide a sense of comfort even though you didn't actually mean those words? You figured you were dying and no harm could be done by saying them, is that it?"

"I meant those words," he said passionately, appalled that she could accuse him of such deceit.

"Well you have an awful way of showing it."

"I thought you needed time and space!" he replied fiercely.

"But you didn't even try to figure out if that was really what I needed. Maybe what I really needed was someone else to help share in my suffering," she shouted before her voice abruptly turned into a whisper and threatened to break. "Maybe that someone was you."

All Cassian could do was stare at her. He struggled to find the words to speak. He'd failed her in so many ways.

"You're not the only one who suffers from these feelings of guilt," he said calmly after a pause. "So many of my men died, and it feels….it feels wrong to be alive and...to even try to live happily," he whispered as darkness clouded his eyes. "I was stupid and allowed these feelings to keep me from you."

Nesta instantly turned away from him and leaned against the bridge's railing to look out over the water again. "Clearly, I've turned your life into a living hell," she remarked seriously.

Cassian was once again bewildered by her words. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm the one who called you away so you wouldn't be hit by the Cauldron's power blast that killed your men. It's my fault you're alive and have to live miserably. I'm a fool and a monster."

"As I already told you. you are not a fool and you are definitely not a monster!" Cassian told her.

Nesta turned around abruptly. "Will you please stop lying to me?!" she said, her voice rising in anger.

"I am not lying to you!" Cassian yelled back at her.

"Why are you even here pretending to comfort me when clearly I'm the reason you've been feeling so miserable?!" she screamed back.

"Will you STOP twisting my words around?! I don't blame you for anything!"

"Then are you thankful I saved your life? Can you even say that?" she fired back.

The two just stared intently at each other as Cassian remained silent.

"That's what I thought," Nesta stated. She attempted to walk away from him, but Cassian was quick to stick out both his hands and placed them on either side of her on the bridge railing, blocking her from leaving.

"Let me go," she said sternly as she began pushing against his chest, but he did not budge. Quickly, she ducked down beneath his arms to run away from him, but he was quick to grab hold of her wrist.

He then pulled her toward him so her back was up against the front of his chest, while his left hand rested against her stomach to keep her in place. He leaned his head over her right shoulder and whispered in her ear. "Just listen to me, and then I will let you go."

At the touch of his breath against her ear, Nesta's body shivered. She was still seething with rage, but she remained where she was,

"I am forever grateful for you saving my life because I get to have the chance to be with you - a chance I didn't think I would have. The way I feel about you...I've never felt this way about anyone before."

For a moment, Nesta seemed to take in his words, but her face quickly transformed back into of anger. "How many girls have you used that line on?" she snarled.

"Only you," he said honestly as he let her go.

She turned to face him. "Considering how ancient you are, I find that hard to believe."

Cassian let out a sigh of frustration and ran his fingers through his hair. "Nesta, you're the one who's lying to yourself!"

Nesta rushed up toward him and pushed her hands against his chest in an attempt to shove him, but he hardly moved. "Don't you dare call me a liar!"

"You're trying to deny my words, deny this because you don't want to admit just don't want to acknowledge this thing between us because you think you don't deserve to be loved!"

"Don't assume to know what I think!" she shouted back.

"Damn it, Nesta!" Cassian reached out both his hands and placed his palms against her cheeks so he was cradling her face in his hands. "What the hell do I need to say to prove I love you?!"

Nesta was readying to shove his arms away from her, but at his words, her body stilled. Her blue-gray eyes looked up at him, searching his face for any sign of dishonesty in what he said.

At first, Cassian was shocked over what he blurted out. But it was the truth, and so he continued. "Nesta, I want this. I want you. I've never wanted anything as much as I've wanted you. And I want all of you, including your wounds, your scars, your pain. I want to share your burdens with you."

She said nothing as her chest rapidly rose and fell with the breaths she took. Their eyes were locked on each other. Cassian searched for something that would indicate that she finally understood him, but he saw nothing in her eyes of steel.

Suddenly, Nesta reached out her hands to pull his face down to hers, crashing her lips against his.

Stunned, Cassian froze, but soon got a hold of himself to realize what was happening. He deepened the kiss as he tangled his fingers in her hair, destroying her braids.

It was then that Nesta seemed to fully realize what was happening and abruptly pulled back, but she kept her hands on his face.

For a moment, the only sounds made were those of their deep, rapid breaths.

Sadness came across her face. "We almost died together," she suddenly said as a few tears slid down her cheeks. "I was ready to die with you because...because I couldn't let him take you away from me."

"Nesta, I...in that moment, part of me hated you so much for not taking the opportunity to run. It was too soon for you to die. But the other part of me...I was never more enamored with you than I was in that moment. It meant everything to me to have you there with me. I...can't even describe it."

Cassian grabbed her hand to interlock their fingers and hold her hand against his chest where she could feel his heart beating beneath. Her eyes focused in on the placement of her hand in his as it moved with the rise and fall of his chest.

"Tonight, I...I was having a nightmare that Hybern killed you in that fight while I survived," she said tearfully. "And it was unbearable. I woke up and knew I just had to get out of that room for a little while. Out of that house."

Cassian's hand tightened around hers. "I'm sorry I didn't help get you out of that house sooner. You kept to yourself for too long."

Nesta let her free hand roam through his long hair and slowly twirled some of the strands within her fingers. "You're here now," she said gratefully.

"I've been given a second chance with you in this life, and I don't want to waste it," he said. "I know you still need time to heal, but when you're ready to explore what this is..." he inclined his head forward to kiss her forehead. "...I will be here."

"You need time too," she said as she buried herself in his chest and wrapped her arms around him. "We'll both find a way to heal."

"Together," he added as he returned her embrace. "We'll figure this out together, Nes."

His devilish smile brightened when he looked down at her in his arms and saw her roll her eyes at his nickname for her. However, she didn't scold him, and he thought he saw the ghost of a smile on her face.

"Together," she agreed softly and hugged him more tightly.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed! I've been dying for some post-ACOWAR Nessian fics and decided to write one of my own! The original gameplan was to do a oneshot of their first real kiss. But these crazies definitely have a lot to talk about and sort through! So it ended up being a fight with a kiss. Nesta and Cassian were a bit hard for me to figure out right now because they're both in rough places right now. We've known them to be a bit snarky with each other, but then they seemed to be softening, but now their lives are a mess, haha (So I'm hoping they didn't seem OOC?). Here's hoping SJM's next ACOTAR novel makes them the focus and then we can figure them out better! :)