Story Summary: "Welcome! It's Elf's World!" "Whaa…Oh, for the love of…" I opened my eyes at the sound of an odd voice, only to discover to my horror that I was somehow taken to the world of Pokémon…Vietnamese Firered.
Please Note: This fic was inspired by both DeliciousCinnamon's YouTube walkthrough videos on the fan-made Pokemon Vietnamese Crystal game/rom, as well as the writing style of Sarah1281's two KOTOR parody fanfics, 'So Not My Problem' and 'The Jedi Kind of Had it Coming'. Full apologies are given in advance to any and all individuals who may be offended by any of the content of this fic at any stage. Please know that this fic was written only for humor purposes, and that there is no malicious intent in its composition.
Pokémon Vietnamese Firered
Chapter 1
To be a monster coach
"Are you a boy or a girl?"
What the fu…? I thought frustratingly as my eyes drearily opened to the sound of a mischievous voice. Where normally I would be enraged at having been denied the opportunity to sleep in till late in the morning (or even to 1pm, depending on how grouchy I am), I was too distracted by the fact that a stranger's voice was addressing me.
"Are you a boy or a girl?" the annoying voice asked me again.
"What do I look and sound like?" I snapped…well, more like mumbled angrily.
"Are you a boy or a girl?" he insisted.
"I'm a boy, obviously!" I threw a pillow in the voice's general direction, obviously having not succeeded in hitting him.
"Welcome! It's Elf's World!" the voice suddenly said enthusiastically.
"Who…the…bloody…hell…" I cursed under my voice into my pillow.
"What time is it?" he asked.
"I don't care," I grunted, shifting in bed.
"What time is it?"
"You tell me," I said in a confrontational way, but then decided that the best course of action would be to be a little more specific, otherwise the never-ending pestering would continue. "I'll just say that it's 4:15am."
"MN 4H 15 MBAD! Sleep too late!" the voice said chaotically, and then the entire surroundings began to brighten up, scorching my eyes in a blinding light. My bed disappeared into thin air, and I was left standing alone in a completely white environment that looked like it was taken straight out of some scene from The Matrix.
"What the fu…" I groaned, covering my eyes with one hand. "Oh my God," I murmured as I saw the figure of Professor Oak – well, more like hundreds of pixels coming slowly towards me.
"Go to the Elf's World," he began. "Welcome! Everyone call me Elf Monster!"
"…Wha?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Elfs, here are called monster…" Professor Oak went on and on as I zoned out, too busy trying to pull my senses together. I only began paying attention again when he asked me a question. "Please tell me what is your name?"
"What? I ain't telling you my name!" I whined.
"Please tell me what is your name?" he insisted.
I sighed. "Fine, it's…it's erm…" I hesitated, not wanting to tell him my real name for I.D. purposes.
"This is my grandson," Oak said, cutting me off as I was about to give him an alias, and I was now faced with the avatar for Gary Oak/Blue/whatever you want to call him. "He's your enemy since little baby. Erm, what was name?"
"Teeheehee…" I rubbed my hands together. After all, this is many a Pokémon player's favorite part of the game, isn't it? After much thought, I made a decision.
"Ah yes! I mind today! His name is Teeheehee," Professor Oak smiled.
Wait, wha-? Teeheehee indeed. I was thinking of something a little more…profane…
"Erm! Do you get ready?" he suddenly asked.
"But…'Erm' isn't my name…" I murmured, shocked.
"Your story will start from now at once for the future you will meet many trials and hardships, bitter and sweet to explore the dreams let's go to the monster's world start see you later!"
"…Ok?" I winced, having not understood a word he said, then all at once I became a little too dizzy. Seconds later, I found myself transported to what was supposed to be my bedroom. I looked depressingly in front of me to see my PS3 replaced by a Nintendo console that was easily outdated by a decade or so.
I found it slightly weird that a staircase to the second storey of a house lead directly to my bedroom. Always found that creepy about Pokémon games, if you ask me.
I walked downstairs, and sure enough I found 'Mom' sitting by herself at the table. "All boys leave one day," she said blankly. "Says so on TV. Elf doctor waiting for you come."
Does anyone in this world actually make sense? I thought as I walked out the door. Knowing the triggering system from the games, I headed straight towards the grass, and sure enough, the 'Elf Doctor' came bumbling towards me as soon as I set one foot in the wilderness.
"Hey! Wait! Don't go out!" he said in strangely uncharacteristic perfect English. "Danger! Wild monaters breed in grass! Must have own monaters to safe! I know come with!" he turned around, and surprisingly, my legs were working independent of my own personal will.
He can control bodies, ladies and gentlemen. Not only can he see you attempting to ride bicycles inside buildings, he can also control your body…
I followed – well, more like I was set on a forced march – behind him until he came next to his table which held three Pokéballs on top of it. I eyed the three Pokéballs as greedily as any normal human being who has played a Pokémon game before would look at them.
"Gramps! I'm fatigue with still!" 'Teeheehee', or Gary Fucking Oak as we would all know him as, grumbled to his rather irresponsible grandpa.
"Teeheehee? I think now," Professor Oak replied. "Oh correction! I said you arrive! Just wait!" He turned to me and spoke. "Here Erm there three balls on table haha! Monaters held inside by balls. When formerly little, I was big monster coach but now oldness give me only three. Choose one go on!"
"Okay…" I rolled my eyes, making my way to the table where the three Pokéballs were kept.
Now let's think here, I wondered to myself. Seeing as I extremely dislike the thought of choosing Bulbasaur because it's pretty much only good against water, ground and rock types later on in the game while being susceptible to about seven or eight freaking move types, I'll pick Squirtle, so that Gary or whatever-his-name-is chooses Bulbasaur. Then I just might be able to nick Charmander on the way out, provided that there's no magical fourth wall which prevents me from doing so. Troll logic FTW! Problem, Nintendofags? :D
"I pick this one!" I proclaimed, picking out Squirtle's Pokéball.
"Oh! So water monater, Gold like!" Professor Oak beamed.
"Uhh…no, I picked the Pokémon Squirtle. Squir-tle," I pronounced slowly for him.
"Then I pick this one!" Teeheehee (I'm just gonna call him Gary from now on. This is just ridiculous :S ) bombastically said, stepping next to me and obviously claiming Bulbasaur. I took my cue to attempt to leave to start the obligatory battle sequence. "Wait Erm! Want to see power of monaters? Come me I battle you!"
Gary stepped towards me, and sure enough, the battle sequence started.
'Teehee to compete' said the HUD…Ok? 'Teeheehee Seed start!'
"Go away!" Gary yelled as he released his Bulbasaur – a Pokémon that went completely against the established Pokémon anime canon for Gary's character.
"Ok?" I raised an eyebrow at Gary, then proceeded to send out my Squirtle. Knowing that the player always gets the first hit, I shouted at Squirtle. "Squirtle, use Tackle!"
"Gol?" Squirtle looked confusedly at me.
"Oh, for fuck's sake…" I groaned into my hand. "Gold, use Tackle!"
"Gol?" he persisted in being an irritant.
"Oh for God's sake, just beat the hell out of him in whatever way you want so that I can move on and buy some new stuff with the prize money!" I cried.
"Gol!" Squirtle suddenly leapt forward and dealt a Tackle attack on Bulbasaur.
"Seed, use Prize!" Gary commanded, and Bulbasaur pounced upon Squirtle, landing a counter-hit.
"Oohhh…so that's how you have to say it," I realized. "…That's kinda fucked up, to be honest…"
Pokémon battles in the game always seemed so awkward compared to the anime. Whereas the logical thing for a Pokémon to do in any battle would undoubtedly be to dodge as many hits as possible, our Pokémon were just standing there, trading blow for blow (except for whenever Gary would order the occasional Growl, which I saw as a rather pointless move unless the other Pokémon had the crap luck of missing a Tackle attack). Now to be honest, I personally didn't mind that, considering how much time I spend playing Napoleon: Total War where you often see whole groups of French fusiliers and British Foot Guards blasting the hell out of each other with musket fire until one of them breaks and runs, but to see that up close and personal in a Pokémon battle was altogether a rather strange affair.
At last, as expected, my Squirtle was victorious over my cheapskate rival's Bulbasaur. Cue the minor stat increases that I pretty much always skip, but my eye caught sight of a weird stat. Did it say 'moral'? Shorthand for 'morale'? Since when the hell was there 'morale' in Pokémon? Weird…
Squirtle started celebrating and jumping about while Gary spouted the usual unintelligible gibberish, but I just thought, Ceebs, and recalled him into his Pokéball. After blabbering for about a minute, Gary walked out of the lab to begin his very own GameShark and cheat-code-assisted quest.
I didn't bother going back to talk with Professor Oak, but made headway to the ball that held Charmander inside. But as soon as I tried to reach out for it, an invisible force once again prevented me from exercising my own free will.
"FUUUUUUU…"
I stormed away, directly towards the aide from whom I hoped to gain some pokeballs to make up for my current rage. I thought that the aide in Kanto didn't give you any freebies, but apparently this one did for me.
"You go on quest to record all elfs?" he asked, handing me half a dozen Pokéballs while I grinned. "Then before you go, you bag fuck this!"
…Excuse me…?
(End of chapter 1)
A/N: As I said, this fic is for humor purposes only, and also to take my mind off the serious nature of some of my other fanfics in progress. However, if anyone is deeply offended by any of this or finds its content disturbing, you can make suggestions that I remove it by leaving a review. Please know that I published this fic simply to appeal to fans of DeliciousCinnamon's Pokémon Vietnamese Crystal walkthrough videos on YouTube, and because I saw that there were still any noticeable fics on it.