Drunk Shepard, best Shepard.
After several weeks of planning the entire Normandy crew finally have pinned Shepard down long enough to explain why the offensive on Elysium is so secret, yet not classified.
«So, let me get this straight Shepard. You were on Elysium during the Skyllian blitz because of a tournament." Came the bored voice of bored Krogan. Even if it had taken them over few weeks of planning, blackmailing and threat's they now had Shepard ready to talk.
Shepard "ok, ok. Yeesh, if I knew that was all you wanted I wouldn't have blown up the council's bedroom, their bathrooms and sent over 3 000 voicemail of bullshit to C-Sec and put the blame on all off you."
"This is your gorgeous, beautiful and Oh-So-Serius pilot speaking. We have just left council space after a 3 dreadnaughts came after us and demanding our surrender. We are currently on the run while holding a lot of wanted personnel and Shepard has been ordered to either bring you guys in dead or alive. Luckily for us they seem to think Shepard is not with her crew and Garrus has diarrhea. That was all"
"so, there I was. Just a little high school girl on a trip to Elysium with the rest of our team to compete in the tournament. However, right of the bat we had a damn problem. We could only transport one tank. One tank for 39 people. So. We abused the rules a little. Not important right now. We followed all the rules of Sensha-do Competition Regulations, so we got there right. Getting ready to be disqualified we walked onto the planet with full on ridiculousness we could muster. And they pass everything we bring. So. We get a big ass hangar and construct the tank back together. So, the tournament starts. They got like 30 tanks right. They drive over this big-ass hilltop to try to scare the shit out of us with their numbers.
So, we fire one of our main cannons at them right. And guess what happens. We got a kill, and were almost disqualified for killing the crew of the we shoot."
"Wait just a damn second, what kind of tournament uses tanks?" asked a really surprised Tali.
As Shepard prepared to answer, Miranda cut her off "Tankery is a normal sport for most high school girls, mortality rates are not discussed."
"anyway, back to the story, we on our side didn't give two shits about what happened, and shoot with everything we had. And that wasn't just a little firepower we unleashed as we begun advancing. Pedal to the metal. 1000 tons of pure destruction moving forward. And we, we were mostly drunk, some high, and a few were both high and drunk at the same time. We excepted to be disqualified and all that stuff, so why not just get wasted and never remember it at the end off the day. I think we got as many free drinks as we wanted that day. So, we go forward, gunning everything we see. After a while we see a lot of gunships, drop ships and a bunch of APC's advancing. That's normally when you stop a rampage right. Well, we were wasted and the pedal was stuck, so we all agreed to see this battle trough. So, we fire away once more, making a turn here and there. I think we managed to drive over a bunch of the APC's.
I think it was pure luck we sealed the breach in alliance lines when we did. And do you know the best part guys? We had food, alcohol and ammo enough to last us a few days. so, when we finally get sober the invasion has lasted almost a whole week and we had been prime targets all the time. So, what do you think we do once we realize that we are behind enemy lines, we are sober and we got still enough ammo to last almost a month? First we refill our foul, we had a lot but, hey, free foul. Then we get into the city, crush all of our enemies in our path, and finally get to our destination. The biggest bar on Elysium. So, we fill our drinks and go once more on a drunken rampage. In the end we had killed so many enemies that our tanks treads begun painting red wherever we went. So, we have a drunken rampage until the alliance arrives, and they get to see a damn Landkreuzer P. 1000 Ratte driving around making circles with the blood of our enemies. By that point they had adopted a strategy though. It was called RUNRUNRUNRUNRUN as we called it. they didn't even bother to try taking our tank anymore. So we got bored, and as we all know, boredom and alcohol leads to interesting experiences. And that's what I can remember about Elysium. The alliance spent another eight days trying to catch us, and when they did, well. We don't know what happened. All we ever know for certain is that none off us had any clothes, any memory and none of us had our virginity intact. So, we made everyone promise on their life not to tell anyone until we couldn't be traced to it anymore. Rather easy when you have a tank that have taken out one dreadnaught however that happened and at least 3 frigates before the alliance came to our help. Now that I think of it, im still banned from both Tankery and Elysium"
Hours later
Miranda: "Hey Garrus, did you know Shepard learned to drive by steering the Ratte while drunk?"
Garrus: "No"
Miranda: "Aperently she managed to do almost all the stuff she does with the Mako after trying it out with the Ratte"
Garrus: "Ha Ha Ha, I dubt she could do the same stuff she did with a giant armored beast weighting around 1000 tons as she did with the mako, she made it cross space Miranda. SHE CROSSED SPACE WITH AN APC!"
Miranda: "well, either the whole planet was high or she doesn't care about physics while drunk. Maybe we should get her drunk to deal with this collector shit"
Garrus: "well, she did hide the remains of the mako inside the council chambers after we defeated Saren, and I think she was drunk when she did it.