Farscape Goes Camping
by AstroGirl

Author's Note: This is apparently what I get when I read a horror novel before bedtime and then try to go to bed before I'm sufficiently sleepy. It's not really a proper story, I'm afraid, more like a script-format outline for one. And it's utterly, completely pointless. But it gave me a chuckle, so with luck maybe it'll also do the same for someone else. Since it features both Stark and an apparently quite healthy Zhaan, I suppose it most likely takes place between "The Locket" and "The Ugly Truth." No spoilers whatsoever.


The gang have come across a beautiful, uninhabited planet, and Pilot and Moya seem to want some time alone, so Crichton -- somehow -- has convinced the others to take a transport pod down to engage in the peculiar Earth activity known as "camping."

They find a pleasant, sheltered place to spend the night and soon have a roaring campfire going. Aeryn easily hunts down an edible specimen of the local wildlife, Zhaan finds some herbs to season it with, and they share a hearty meal. Afterwards, they are all sitting around the fire, mostly wondering what they are supposed to do next.

JOHN [leaning happily back against a fallen log]: "Man, oh, man, does this bring back memories. I only wish we had some marshmallows."

D'Argo and Aeryn exchange a look that clearly says "Are you going to ask? I'm not going to ask! Then we'd have to listen to him explaining it."

JOHN [continuing on, oblivious]: "Let's see... No marshmallows. No S'mores. I suppose we could sing."

CHIANA: "Sing?"

JOHN: "Yeah. It's traditional. Singing around the campfire." [singing] "Kumbaya, my lord, kumbaya..."

The others look at him as if he's gone completely fahrbot.

JOHN [breaking off in mild -- very mild -- embarrassment]: "Yeah, well, maybe not. I never liked that song, anyway. I mean, 'kumbaya,' what the hell does that mean, anyway? I know!" [snaps fingers] "We could tell ghost stories!"

ZHAAN [who up until now has been staring meditatively into the fire]: "Ghost stories?"

JOHN: "Yeah! We used to scare the crap out of each other around the fire in the Boy Scouts. It was great!"

RYGEL: "'Scaring the crap out of each other' is great? What kind of perverted planet is this Erp of yours?"

JOHN: "It's all in good fun, Sparky. Don't you like being a little spooked out once in a while?"

RYGEL: "No, I do not."

JOHN: "Aw, come on. Get into the spirit of things, Ryge. Be spooooooky!"

This last is delivered in a wavering, "spooky" voice, while Crichton pretends to hold an invisible flashlight under his chin and makes some rather disturbing facial contortions. Rygel actually backs his hoverthrone up a step in alarm.

CHIANA: "So, are you gonna tell us one of these 'ghost stories,' then, or not?"

AERYN [whispering to Chiana]: "Don't encourage him!"

JOHN: "Glad you asked, Pip! Let's see..." [sits up straight and looks thoughtful for a moment] "Yeah, OK, I got one! This'll scare your socks off! OK, so there's this group of teenagers who go camping out in the woods, a woods just like this one.."

ZHAAN [interested]: "The foliage on this planet is similar that of your world, John?"

JOHN [who has really started to get into the spirit of the story-telling, and is obviously highly disoriented by being knocked out of it by Zhaan's question]: "Huh? No, no, the foliage doesn't matter, Zhaan. Forget the foliage. The foliage isn't important. No, what's important..." [he is rapidly slipping back into "storyteller" mode] "...is that in these woods, not too far from where the kids had made camp, there was this dilapidated old cabin.

AERYN: "So, basically, it was nothing like these woods at all."

JOHN [thrown out of the story again]: "What?"

AERYN: "Well, there's no cabin here, is there? This is a totally uninhabited planet. So, if the foliage is different, and there's the old cabin you're talking about, then it's really not at all like the place we're in now, is it?"

JOHN [sighing]: "OK, fine, it was in a set of woods totally unlike this set of woods. OK? Can I finish telling my story now?"

AERYN: "If you must."

JOHN: "Right. Where was I?"

STARK [helpfully]: "In the woods."

JOHN: "Thank you. Right, so in these woods there was this old cabin. Real creepy place, all covered in cobwebs..."

D'ARGO: "Cobwebs?"

JOHN: "Yeah, cobwebs. Abandoned spider webs." [sees D'Argo's blank look] "The spider's an Earth insect -- well, no actually, it's not an insect, it's an arachnid... Look, never mind. It was a creepy place, all right? Take my word for it."

CHIANA: "Let him finish the story, will ya? Otherwise we're gonna be here all night."

AERYN: "I thought being here all night was the whole point of this 'camping' exercise."

CHIANA: "Yeah, but we're gonna be here all night listening to him ."

D'ARGO: "Carry on with the story, John."

John is shaking his head as if he's wondering whether it's even worth it, but he continues gamely on.

JOHN: "All right, so the thing is, the cabin has a real rep, right? People have gone in and never come out. And the few who have entered and lived to tell the tale all emerged slightly... changed. As if they had seen something they could never, ever forget, something too terrifying even to talk about. All they would ever say is that the cabin was haunted, haunted by an evil, vengeful ghost.

STARK [looking extremely interested]: "Really? What kind of a ghost was it? Was it an [untranslatable Bannik term the microbes don't even bother with] or was it [another untranslatable term]?"

JOHN: "I don't know, Stark. It was a ghost, all right?"

STARK: "But--"

RYGEL [interrupting]: "Is this story going to end anytime soon? All the food is gone, and I want to go to sleep."

JOHN [making a valiant attempt to ignore them]: "So, these kids are sitting around the campfire, just like we're doing now..." [he looks around to see if anybody is going to object, but nobody says anything] "...roasting marshmallows and drinking a few beers. Uh, beer, that's sort of like fellip nectar..."

AERYN: "Oh, yes, beer. I had that. That was good."

JOHN: "So nice to know my planet gets some respect for something. Anyway, they'd probably had a few too many beers, and this one guy starts telling his friends about this cabin, and they start daring each other to go up there and take a look at it."

Chiana laughs. John gives her an exasperated look.

CHIANA: "What? I didn't say anything. Go on with your story."

JOHN: "Of course, nobody really wants to go up there, but they're all afraid of being the one to chicken out and look bad in front of everybody else."

AERYN: "Sounds to me like they deserve whatever they're going to get."

JOHN: "Well, sometimes you do stupid things to impress a girl, Aeryn."

AERYN: "I have noticed that, yes."

CHIANA: "So, there were girls and guys, out alone in the woods, and they couldn't think of anything better to do than go crawling around some stupid abandoned house?"

JOHN: "It was a cabin, Chiana. And haven't you ever been lured by something forbidden and dangerous?"

Rygel snorts derisively, and D'Argo and Chiana both glare at him. He swallows whatever he had been about to say, and instead leans back and affects a bored expression.

JOHN: "So, anyway, nobody has the guts to back out, and before they know it, they find themselves standing before the entrance to the cabin. And, man, it is an eerie place. The front door is hanging open, swinging back and forth on one rusty hinge. Creak, creak, creak. Except there isn't any wind." [he's really getting into it now] "Nothing visible inside but total, utter darkness. And this smell... Whew! Like something died in there and had been rotting away for God knows how long."

The others are starting to look interested now, despite themselves.

JOHN: "So the bravest of the guys -- or maybe he's just the drunkest -- decides he's going to go in."

CHIANA: "Stupid frellnik."

RYGEL: "Well, some people will do anything if you get enough raslak into them." [leers at Chiana]

CHIANA: "Believe me, toad, there's not enough raslak in this universe to make you look good."

JOHN: "So, he gathers up his courage, and he steps up to the cabin. And he steps inside..." [dramatic pause]

D'ARGO [obviously impatient at the dramatic pause]: "Yeah, and?"

JOHN: "...and he disappears into the blackness. The others stand there outside, waiting, but nothing happens. And nothing happens. And nothing happens."

RYGEL: "Something had better happen soon."

JOHN: "Suddenly, he screams!"

John makes a sudden little "jumping" motion towards Rygel, who clutches his chest, and then tries to pretend he didn't. Chiana laughs.

JOHN: "It's the kind of scream that'll freeze your blood, folks. We're talking, sheer, inhuman, wailing agony. Nothing should be able to be that tormented and live."

ZHAAN: "This is rather a disturbing story, John."

JOHN: "It's supposed to be. Roll with it, OK? So, at the sound of this scream, all the other kids run away."

CHIANA: "Hard to blame them."

JOHN: "All of them go running off, running for their lives... Except this one chick. Because it's her boyfriend that just disappeared in there, and she's not going to leave him."

D'ARGO [sarcastically]: "How romantic."

JOHN: "So, she squares up her shoulders and she walks over to the door... And she goes in."

AERYN: "Just like that? She just walks in?"

JOHN: "Yes, Aeryn, just like that. She walks in."

AERYN: "Well, did she bring any weapons?"

JOHN: "Nope, no weapons. Completely unarmed, completely alone."

D'ARGO: "Well, that's just stupid."

AERYN: "Extremely stupid. She should leave and come back with weapons and with reinforcements."

D'ARGO: "Or at least a light."

JOHN: "Look, she's young, she's just lost the guy she loves--"

AERYN: "Well, it's not going to help him if she just goes in and gets herself killed, too, is it?"

JOHN: "Hey, we do dumb things when we're young, OK?"

AERYN: "Speak for yourself, human. No Sebacean teenager would do something that tactically inept."

D'ARGO: "No Luxan child would, either. To just walk into a dark, unsecured area..."

AERYN: "Your enemy's home turf..."

D'ARGO: "Unarmed..."

AERYN: "No intelligence, no reconnaissance...

D'ARGO: "No backup..."

JOHN: "All right, already! Look, guys, it's not a military campaign, OK? It's a horror story.

D'ARGO: "Well, I don't care what you call it, it's dumb."

JOHN: "OK, fine. She's dumb. She's a dumb Earth kid who doesn't know the first thing about tactics or strategy."

AERYN: "It's not tactics or strategy. It's just common sense."

RYGEL: "I'm not sure Crichton's people understand the concept."

AERYN: "Mmm, Rygel, you may be right about that."

RYGEL: "Of course I am. I'm always right."

John smacks his forehead into the palm of one hand and begins shaking his head forlornly.

ZHAAN: "Go ahead and finish, John. I, for one, am curious to know how the story comes out."

JOHN [gratefully]: "Thank you Zhaan."

ZHAAN: "Even though I agree with Aeryn and D'Argo that this girl you're speaking of is a very foolish character."

He sighs.

STARK [quite reasonably]: "But coming back with weapons would be foolish, too. Weapons wouldn't help her against a ghost."

D'ARGO: "That's an interesting question. How do you get rid of a ghost?"

STARK: "It's very difficult to send them across to the Other Side if they don't want to go." [he appears all set to deliver a lecture on the subject] "It takes a great deal of energy to--"

JOHN [interrupting]: "Look, this is my story! Are you guys gonna let me tell it, or what?"

Stark pouts slightly, but lapses into silence. Everyone else looks at John with varying expressions of resignation.

JOHN: "All right. Where was I?"

Aeryn starts to open her mouth to tell him, and he cuts her off with a gesture.

JOHN: "No, that's OK, Aeryn, I remember. So, yeah, she goes up to the cabin, and she steps through the door. It's dark. Totally dark, and totally quiet. She calls the guy's name, quietly."

Aeryn makes a disgusted noise at this, but says nothing.

JOHN: "And then she hears this sound. Like something moving. Coming toward her. She starts to turn around, like she's going to give up and run, after all, but then she sees it."

CHIANA [obviously also too impatient for dramatic pauses]: "Yeah?"

JOHN: "It's a human figure. Glowing. Pale, ghostly white. It's so bright, there in the total darkness, that she can't make out its features, and has to shield her eyes."

AERYN [nodding]: "Inferior human eyesight. You don't adapt to rapid changes in light intensity very well, do you?"

JOHN [carefully ignoring her]: "And she finds she can't run now, after all. She's rooted to the spot, unable to move, almost unable to breathe. And the ghost comes towards her, closer and closer, until she can feel the terrible coldness radiating from it..."

STARK: "Why is it cold?"

JOHN: "What?"

STARK: "The ghost. Why was it cold?"

JOHN: "It's a ghost. Ghosts are cold."

STARK: "No, they're not."

JOHN [rapidly losing patience]: "Well, they are on Earth, OK?"

Stark looks skeptical.

JOHN [muttering under his breath]: "Who ya gonna call..." [louder] "Look, Stark, just stop it with the ectoplasmic nitpicking, will ya? You're ruining my punch line."

RYGEL: "Does that mean this interminable -- and, might I add, boring -- story is almost over?"

JOHN: "It is if you'll shut up and let me finish, Sparky."

A long pause as John conspicuously fails to continue the story.

AERYN: "Well?"

JOHN: "Nah, forget it. It's ruined."

CHIANA: "Oh, come on. We'll be quiet for the rest of it. Promise." [She gives Crichton a sweet smile that he obviously finds it impossible to resist.]

JOHN [sighing]: "Oh, all right. So, yeah, the ghost reaches out for her, and she's finally able to look up into its face..." [he's trying to make this sound creepy, but compared to before it's a rather half-hearted attempt] "...and she sees..." [dramatic pause] "...that it's her boyfriend!" [another pause] "Another wailing, inhuman scream rang out, so piercing that her friends could hear it even a mile away. And then... silence."

There is also silence around the campfire. Eventually:

CHIANA: "That's it?"

JOHN: "Look, it would have been a lot scarier if you guys would've let me tell it without interrupting."

CHIANA: "That's it? We sat through that whole stupid story for that?"

JOHN: "You don't think that was scary?"

RYGEL: "I've had bodily functions that were scarier than that."

JOHN: "Well, that I don't doubt, Sparky."

ZHAAN: "It was a bit anticlimactic."

JOHN: "It sure scared me when I heard it."

AERYN [mimicking Crichton]: "Well, that I don't doubt."

JOHN: "Fine. Screw it. It's not my fault you've got no appreciation for true horror at this end of the universe. I'm going to sleep."

RYGEL: "I've been wanting to do that for arns."

JOHN: "Fine."

AERYN: "Fine."

They all begin crawling into their sleeping bags.

ZHAAN: "Good night, John."

JOHN: "Yeah, whatever." [mumbling to self] "I must be outta practice. It's been a long time since the Boy Scouts."

Moments pass. The sounds of five sleeping people fill the little clearing.

One set of eyes is still wide open.

Wind blows through the tree limbs. Somewhere nearby, an alien bird makes an owl-like hooting sound. John practically jumps out of his sleeping bag.

JOHN [proudly but nervously]: "Damn. I do still got it! Stupid aliens just don't have enough sense to know scary when they hear it."

The bird hoots nearby and John jumps again.

JOHN [muttering]: "Ghosts in the woods. Who you gonna call?"

He looks around the clearing at his sleeping companions, then scoots his sleeping bag over between Stark and Aeryn.

JOHN [mumbling sleepily]: "We ain't afraid of no ghost..."

He slowly drifts off.

The owl-like creature hoots again. Rygel's eyes pop open and he shivers in terror.

RYGEL: "Frell."

And John smiles happily in his sleep.