HOW *I* MET YOUR MODERN FAMILY
*Lily, Marshall, Robin and Barney*
1
THE END MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR VEGETERIANS
"Kids, I was finally ready to show Lily, Marshall, Robin and Barney my other side of the family - Dede's side.
Dede had two kids with Uncle Jay – Claire and Mitchell. But later, he and Dede had a divorce and he married a much younger woman. Her name is Gloria. She came fully equipped from Colombia with her 13 year old son, from her first marriage, Manny. Claire has an average family with her husband Phil and three kids – Hayley, Alex and Luke. But Mitchell fell in love with a very bubbly and easily-stressed Cameron. They later adopted a little girl from Vietnam, called Lily.
But, I've never told the guys about them – and we were going over for thanksgiving.
They didn't know about that either."
Ugh. I thought. Lily had ripped the paper off my bottle of water again. What has Marshall done this time? I go over to Robin, who is looking out of the window. "What's so fascinating?" I ask.
"There's so much traffic." She stated the obvious fact. "So you guys really do celebrate Thanksgiving in November." She spoke again.
"You still find it so weird, don't you?" I say with a smile as I kiss her on her cheek.
Just then Barney bursts through the door. "Happy hour is from four to six!" he says.
We stare at the 'suited up' guy for about five seconds.
"It's 7:09!" Shouts Lily from the inside the bath.
()
Jay is a very honest man. He told me about Dede on our second date, where we went flying on one of those tigy-tigy-tigy-tigy and then I knew he was the man for me.
And you knew what a tigy-tigy-tigy-tigy was.
And that I was scared of one.
"What's the problem Jay?" I ask when we get upstairs. "I have to go to church."
"Just listen – don't talk." He says to me. So I shut up and listen close.
"My nephew Ted is going to spend Thanksgiving with us." He continues.
"You never told me about–. Hey! If he's one of those hooligans I will kill him like a rat." I burst out with fear. I don't want anything to happen to my puppy and me… and Jay!
"No. He's very nice. He's bringing his friends." He tries to explain himself.
"I knew it! Every hooligan has a lot of friends!" I burst again. "Manny, get your gun!"
"There's no need for that." He says as he grabs my arm. "He's not like your second cousin's nephew."
"Ai, Jay. His name is Mario Cristiano Bruno de Pablo Cristiano Rodríguez."
Gloria is a great woman. She cares. She cooks. She…. You know. But the reason I married her was because she understands – plus the obvious reasons.
Ai – don't smirk like that, Jay.
"But listen." He carries on.
"Yeah" I say so that it looks like I'm interested.
"His friends don't know about us." He says. This surprises me.
Jay is embarrassed of his own wife. Men are all animals!
"How could you Jay!" I shout and turn back to leave the bedroom and drive Manny and me to church.
The catholic priests don't wait - especially Colombian ones.
"Wait. You didn't let me finish." He follows me down the staircase where we see Manny, standing by the door in his linen jacket. This brings me back memories of my niece Victoria's Quinceañera. He looked so good.
"Quite honestly, his friends don't know about the whole family." He says.
"Jay, I have to leave now." I say as I walk out the door.
I know I might sound like a beach but I went through a lot that morning. I feel like my stomach is bursting open. Plus, I gained six pounds – it's probably that zero fat chicken I had at Mitch and Cam's barbeque.
()
"Yeah" Barney says, "But we live in Manhattan. And we take back the clocks on… Sunday November 10th." Is he being serious? I ask myself.
Lily finally leaves the bathroom, wrapped in her fluffy white towel. I walk over to the TV and turn it off.
"Hey, dude. I was watching that" Says Marshall. I stand and address the gang.
"Listen. I don't know if you're going to like as much as I do but, we are going over to my family's house for Thanksgiving. All of us."
"Great! Your grandmother Virginia is lovely" Says Lily.
"Virginia totally sounds like a lady part" Barney giggles.
"Actually, not my grandmother's house" I say and it makes Lily look disappointed. "It's my modern family – as I like to call them."
"How come you never told us about them?" asks Robin.
"Well, it never popped up in a conversation" I explain.
"It doesn't have to pop up to talk about it. How many times have you heard Barney talk about his family?" Marshall finally speaks.
"Well, there was that time with that TV presen-" Lily is interrupted.
"That is not, my point!" Marshall shouts and goes into the kitchen.
I had no idea what to say next. "Come on" I say – hoping for a good reaction, "They're not that bad."
()
"Hayley, off the phone" Says Claire to her daughter as me and Manny come into their kitchen.
"Luke, it is not a good idea to toast your sister's math book" she speaks again. I stand opposite her by the counter and Manny hangs up his coat and sits next to Hayley.
"Hi" he says to her.
"Umm, hey" says Hayley and carries on texting her friend.
She never liked me. I wear cologne, I do my hair, plus I had my linen jacket. What not to love?
"Hey, Claire" I say, "How's life?"
"Ugh. I'm so busy. I have to cook for 17 people plus Lily and Hayley, but it's so hard to cook a meal with no nuts, no citrus and no gluten because Hayley is a vegetarian now" Claire answers me. I feel confused.
"Then why are there pictures of her eating KFC with her friends on the book of faces?"
"Hayley!" shouts Claire as she walks up to the difficult adolescent.
You know, I was ready to be a mother, before I was a wife. I give my children everything and they tell me lies!
Just then, Mitch and Cam walk through the door with the incredibly cute Lily.
"Lilanna" I shout and run towards my little angel, "Hello, angel!" I say.
I cannot wait until Mitch or Cam breaks his back. I sound like a beach again, ei? Why is it so hard to be an American!?
"Hey, you guys are late for brunch – is that possible, Cam?" Phil says as he walks down the stairs, laughing at his own joke.
I like to make hilariously funny jokes because I'm a cool dad. I know all the dances to "High School Musical", yes all three movies, because I have swag. And I text – L.O.L, laugh out loud. W.T.F – why the face.
"Well sorry, but Mr Turtleneck couldn't pick out his outfit" says Cameron arrogantly.
When I met Mitchell, he seemed fun. And of course he is but – not everything depends on clothes. I come from a far-.
Cam, don't give me the "I'm a country mouse and he's a city rat" talk.
Mitchell, this is my interview time.
"Ugh I can't take this" Says Mitchell and he walks over to his sister in the kitchen.
"I forgot to ask" Cam says to Phil, "When is Ted and his bunch coming over?"
I said bunch. Wink – wink.
"I'm not sure. Honey" Phil shouts as he walks into the kitchen. I decide to follow him and Cam follows, as well.
Am I invisible? Cam didn't even give me a hug. What happened to our friendship, ha?
"Next Friday afternoon" says Claire as she carries on buttering Hayley's cupcakes for school, "So remember to get the air mattress at the mall."
"Okay." Phil answers.
I read an article on a mummy website that if you say "Okay" than it makes your husband feel good. And I want Claire to be the happiest she could be.
"Where's dad?" Claire asks Mitchell. I jump in before he could answer.
"At home, printing my abuela's chunchullo recipe for Charlie's mother" I say.
"Oh, Gloria, I think she loved it" Mitch says. I smile because Jay doesn't appreciate my abuela's chunchullo and my culture, as much as his son. He thinks I'm crazy.
Just then, Claire's phone rings. I hear a brief conversation consisting of "yeah" and "mhmm" but then she finally says "bye".
"Who was it?" I ask with curiosity. It might be some man trying to grab her onto one of those tigy-tigy-tigy-tigy.
"It was Ted. He's asking if it's okay to come over on Monday so that we can bond with his friends sothatThanksgiving won't be awkward.
"Mum, I have cello practice on Mondays" says Alex.
"And I have a party to go to" says Hayley.
"You can skip it and you can get drunk another time" Claire says as she puts the cupcakes in the fridge.
Why is it that whenever I actually have somewhere to go out, Mum has to ruin it for me. I know – I hate playing cello but it gives the chance to get away from my crazy family. And no, not fun crazy.
Parties don't start themselves. I start them.
"Hayley, how dare you say that you would rather hang out with your friends, than your family?" I say. Back in Colombia, I had the chance to meet my favourite author, Arturo Perez-Reverte, but my mum wanted me to go to my cousin Angela's Quinceañera. What did I do? I went because that's what family do for each other.
"Gloria's right" says Mitch.
Just then, Jay comes home. I can sense a horrible cent coming from the hallway. We all go and see what it is.
"Dad, what is that!" asks Claire. It's not that bad, I think to myself, in Colombia, my father always bought dead animals home.
"A deer" he says with a smile, "I couldn't find a big enough turkey."