AN: Yes it's been a long absence. I'm feeling motivated with this XF reboot happening right around the corner. Well and the break from school helps get things done. I hope you guys enjoy this bit of fluff before I throw myself back in the gutter, as it's what I'm truly good at. ;-)
Spoilers from Season 8 "Alone." The whole first section is dialogue from that, Scully's pregnancy after Mulder gets back. I know a lot of people hated the pregnancy story line but personally it was the first time I got to see little glimpses of NORMALCY for the two of them so I ate it up! ENJOY!
I cannot believe I asked him to do this with me. I guess I don't see why not, I would consider him more the father of this baby over anybody else regardless of how it came to be. I can't help but be nervous about taking him to this class. I'm antsy as I wait for him to come over, padding around the house looking for something to clean, damn these nesting feelings. The knock on the door couldn't have come soon enough.
"Hey, ready to roll?" He's nervous and I can tell, makes me more hesitant to even go to this damn class.
"Yeah, just let me get my keys."
"Oh hey don't forget this," he grabs the pillow off the couch, the pillow that I would have undoubtedly forgotten thanks to my distracted mind, trying to separate work from home. "Relax the back, breathe in breathe out." He does his mock breathing and I can't help but give him a smirk.
"How do you know all these things Mulder?"
"I'm unemployed, I got a lot of time on my hands…" he pauses for a minute and places his hands on the fake pillow baby he has stuffed under his shirt, "Oprah, I watch a lot of Oprah."
"Thank you for doing this with me…" I can't help but whisper it slightly, I'm emotional and frustrated with leaving Doggett by himself, maybe the mothering instinct has kicked in and I just have a need to protect him as well.
"What's the matter?" He knows just by my attitude and look that something isn't sitting right with me.
"I don't know I uhh…" I can't seem to form the words and I'm feeling lost in my head, "…maybe it's hormones, or- I just—I'm just feeling so strange about all this." I rush it out not sure if that's really how I'm feeling.
"This, having a baby this?" he's confused as well as I am.
"No—no, leaving work I guess. I mean I-I walked out of that office today feeling like a deserter." I have to hold back the tears thinking about abandoning Agent Doggett, why is this guilt hitting me so terribly?
"You paid your dues there Scully, more than paid them." He's trying to sound reassuring and I know he's right, I have paid the dues, and we've paid the dues. We stand in silence for a moment not sure where to go from here. "…you're concerned about Agent Doggett?"
"You know the entire time I was down there I had someone to watch my back." I look at him carefully and he knows exactly what I mean, he always had my back and I had his when we were down there and I had Agent Doggett's.
"I'm betting that Agent Doggett can take care of himself, he's a big boy. You gotta worry about the little boy…or little girl. Boy or girl?" He's fishing for the answer and I still won't tell anyone.
"Let's go…" I smile at his reassurance. He knows this is how I would be, I always felt this way about my job and our work. I don't want to leave my 'partner' unprotected and I'm sure I feel it tenfold with the pregnancy hormones.
We make our way to the car, Mulder's hand on the small of my back. I'm not sure how kindly he will take to the class but he wants to support the best way he can and it's all I can ever ask of him after everything we've been through together. I get myself buckled, as uncomfortable as it is at this point and wait for him to do the same, I catch his eyes and bring my hand to his, giving it a gentle reaffirming squeeze.
"You okay?" He asks as he starts up the car and we pull away from the apartment, heading to the clinic where I registered.
"Yeah, I guess I'm just kind of nervous about the class. You know birth classes, baby showers? It's really not my style. There was a reason I became an FBI agent." I smile and laugh slightly and he can't help but laugh with me.
"So enlighten me Scully, what exactly would be your 'style'?" He's placed his hand on my thigh quite comfortably and it brings me an odd sense of comfort about the situation.
"Oh I don't know…I guess I'm just more casual about the parenting thing than a lot of women are. I love a good romance and family life as much as the next woman, but leave it to me to be unconventional." I shoot him a look and he knows I'm addressing him in this situation as well and laughs.
"I see. I don't know Scully I think you'll be a great mom; you'll ease right into that roll. Look up to your mother; you'll be just like her." I sense the smile in his voice and can't help but laugh a little, "seriously Scully, you'll be great; I have faith in you to bring this baby a loving and happy home." He sounds so sincere and I can't help the tears welling in my eyes again. This can't be Mulder saying these things.
"Who are you and what have you done with Mulder?" I look at him, tears not quite falling down my cheeks.
"Like I said Scully, I'm unemployed I have to do something to occupy my mind without conspiracies to chase. The next best thing is to read up on pregnancy and birth, it's the next big adventure apparently. I need to know what disgusting things I was getting myself into as I agreed to this class with you." Oh Mulder always the jokester and always knowing how to make me laugh.
"Oh hey, this is it right here!" I practically scream out, causing some stress in his driving.
"Remind me to not let you navigate while driving huh?" he joked as he flipped around in the middle of traffic and pulled into the parking lot, horns blaring as I laughed. "Are you ok? Sorry that was a little rough on my part." He was being considerate as always.
"I'm good, let's get this show on the road huh?" I smile and remove myself from the passenger seat, as we make our way into the clinic. The more we were getting ready for this class the more nervous I was to be doing it with him. All I could foresee was him cracking jokes about everything all the time, but I figured if it helped ease my tensions then maybe it was well worth it. We got checked in and made small talk with a few of the other couples, without them really knowing we were an unconventional couple, we didn't want to single ourselves out this early. I really wouldn't be taking this damn class if my doctor hadn't completely recommended it, I know as a doctor how it's supposed to go…mostly. As the patient it's a different situation, breathing techniques and natural ways to ease up pain and discomfort during labor. I wasn't opposed to having an epidural but part of me really wanted to experience it all at once, knowing I'll probably not have another chance at this.
"So when are you due?" one of the other mom's poked at me, I always hated this question. It was like comparing belly sizes to see if your baby was full term or not. Honestly I was a little late to the birthing class as far as timeline goes but with work there was no way of knowing when I'd be able to go.
"I've got 5 weeks left." I sigh out heavily and eye the other woman.
"Wow, you are cutting it close aren't you?" She smiled at her comment and I couldn't help but provoke her as my nasty nature sometimes begged me to do so.
"Well I'm an FBI agent, I was just forced to go on maternity leave at the insistence of my doctor or I would have worked up until the day." I turned on my heels and found myself a seat.
"Excuse us…" Mulder excused himself from the situation as well and came to my side. "You ok? You've got to relax Scully, trust me; we've been in much more dangerous situations than this. Don't let them bother you." He always was a comfort as he placed his hand on my thigh and down my knee, squeezing gently getting me to smile as it has always been a ticklish spot of mine.
"Oh I know, I'm sorry, I just get so uncomfortable in this particular situation with everything we've had to go through." I place my hand on my belly, feeling the bulge move around, it still feels very strange for me and I've been feeling those kicks and punches for awhile but there is just no describing it. His hand joins mine to feel the little movements and I let out a heavy sigh of slight discomfort as I get a little baby foot into my ribcage. "My little body almost can't handle this; the doctor said I'll be lucky if I get by the next four weeks." Mulder presses down on the top of my belly, pushing the baby down a little bit, giving me room to breathe again.
The majority of us have gathered around the tables in preparation for the class to begin, it feels strange that we are on this side of the table and for me to have some person tell me how my labor will go. There are pictures scattered across the table, newborns of varying colors, they all look very alien like to me. There are a few pamphlets on pain management and laboring techniques as well. I look over at Mulder who is looking at a couple pictures of the newborns; I can't help but try and gauge his reaction, that realization that I will soon have one of those little newborns in my own arms. He's in awe.
"I dunno Scully they all look like aliens to me…" he whispers to me and I can't help but smile as it was the same thought in my head as I looked at them. He reaches for my hand under the table and holds it reassuringly.
"Morning ladies and gentlemen," we've somehow missed the instructor coming into the room. "My name is Marci Conrad I'm a nurse here at the clinic and labor educator," she seems about my age, mid 30's, long dark hair, knowledgeable and comforting, "I'm here helping you understand what it is exactly your body is going to go through at the time of labor. As you can see we've got pamphlets and pictures, information that you can glance through at your leisure. We've got a lot to pack into the next few hours as this is the one day class but I'm confident we'll get through it just fine." She was driven and seemingly excited to be doing this class. "I know this might be uncomfortable for some of you, labor and delivery can be quite an eye opener for some people, you'll feel exposed and uncomfortable but you have to remember that it's a completely natural process. We are going to start with a short video that goes through different birthing methods, positions to give birth in and pain management options in each scenario." She stepped back and started the video; I rest my hand on Mulder's thigh, reassuring him that I was in this as well.
He was uncomfortable the moment it started, seeing these women, full term and ready to pop, some being induced others going through labor more naturally, waters breaking, and minimal doctor influence. I wasn't even sure how I wanted my own labor to go, you always see these beautiful movie scenes of women giving birth, a giant gush of liquid and then the baby comes shortly thereafter, it's seamless and no complications arise, an unrealistic expectation I know as a doctor. The breaking of the water is not a giant gush of liquid down your `leg; I knew in reality it could trickle for days leading up to birth. The whole birthing process can be an extremely long and painful one and that was something I was not looking forward to. Though I admit I am grateful for the life in my womb, I am happy I got to finally have the experience I wanted all along.
"You ok?" I whisper to him, not sure if he's scared or just trying to take it all in. The screen displays the birth of a baby, viewing everything, from head coming out, shoulder following and the rest of the body trailing after. I see a lump in his throat and give his knee a squeeze again, making sure he's ok.
"You know after all we've seen Scully, I—wow, why isn't this an X-File?" he jokes with me, it's his way of dealing with a situation he's extremely uncomfortable in and I can't help but smile.
"Oldest X-File known…" I joke back with him.
"You sure you are going to be able to handle all this…" he waved his hand at the screen.
"I don't really have a choice now do I?" I flash him a big smile, appreciatively, he knows exactly that we created this baby together, of course he has doubts but I reassure him every time.
"How could a woman ever want to go through this? I respect your choices as a woman Scully but wow…" He's still trying to understand why anyone would go through with this.
"We get beyond the gross out factor and just do it. Some women know they want to be mothers, it's all I've ever really wanted but I put it on hold for a seemingly great job…" I grin at him playfully; he knows I put having a personal life on hold for him. The FBI doesn't leave a lot of time for personal lives; families, marriages, the typical American dream, there is no time for it.
He grabs my hand under the table and squeezes gently, we turn to the screen again, watching the new mother snuggle with her newborn on the birthing table, skin on skin contact, it looks perfect to me and I can't help a little tear fall down my cheek watching. The lights come up and we glance at each other, knowing all too well we are both terrified of the birth experience.
"Alright, why don't we practice some of these laboring positions, find what works for you and your partner. There are different types of labor, some can center in your back, others can strictly be in abdomen, and some women don't feel much of anything for a long time. Every woman is different; the goal is to find something you are comfortable with and just relax as much as possible. The more you are able to allow your body to relax, the easier your labor will be on you and your baby." Marci smiled at the group and urged us out of our seats and walk around getting familiar with the different options for laboring. There are stations set up with pictures for different laboring positions, Mulder takes my hand and drags me to a corner that seemed quieter, gesturing for me to sit on the large exercise ball.
"You know getting up and down is very difficult these days?" I stare at him blankly.
"You have to try things so you know what's comfortable, Scully. Loosen up a bit huh?" He's trying to be helpful and sweet. He steadies the ball for me and I take his hand, lowering myself on the squishy ball. "So how does it feel?"
"Honestly? Kind of strange, but strangely comfortable on my hips…hm." I am amazed that something so simple has relieved some of the pain I had been experiencing in my hips. I feel a huge amount of relief in my abdomen as the baby dips into my pelvis, finally feeling as if I can breathe normally again.
Marci glanced around the room, watching what each pair was getting comfortable with. She showed the male partners supportive positions they could help their spouses with, leaning against each other, rubbing the lower backs or squeezing the hips to offer relief from pain and pressure their partner might feel.
We wandered to a comfy area; pillows abound, and looked at the chart on the wall. The always cliché man supporting woman between his legs, I knew deep down this is how I'd feel most comfortable, wrapped in his lanky limbs, close contact; it was perfect.
"Can we relax for a minute?" I'm just hoping Mulder will feel ok like this and not make any inappropriate gestures or jokes.
"Umm yeah I guess," he knelt to the floor and rearranged pillows to his liking and leaned against the wall, knees out and welcoming for me to sit between. I lower myself gently placing my hands on his knees for support and scoot back against him; it felt amazing, and completely comforting. He reached around and placed his hands over my belly, feeling the hard bulge that had been growing for some time now. I often think about being pregnant early on, missing him, wanting him there even as I was positioned around the toilet. The moment I realized my pants weren't fitting and I called in 'sick' to work because I couldn't find anything to wear and spending the day angry, frustrated and teary eyed that I had nothing to wear. The night I finally starting feeling kicks and I had to experience them alone in bed, watching the little lumps move across my abdomen. It was sad to think he missed all that with me, not being there for any of it. He massaged my stomach gently, giving a little pressure at the top of the bulge to move the baby farther down again, making breathing much easier on me.
"Well don't you two look cozy," Marci was making rounds and finally came to us, smiling and cheery.
"Sorry we are quite reclusive," Mulder smiled and gave a small chuckle, I leaned up and sat crisscrossed and Mulder moved his hands to massage my back, "Supposed to make ourselves comfortable right?"
"That's right. You know many people don't get into the comfort of this position; they end up being too uptight to make it work. You two seem to be perfectly at ease." She smiled and knelt down to our level.
"We work for the FBI, peace and relaxation is what we need at this point." I sighed at a sweet spot that Mulder had hit in my lower back.
"Ah yes, well you wouldn't be the first female FBI agent I've had in here you know? I see them more often than you think, and I'm sure you won't be the last. However, just like doctor's, they think you know what is best for themselves." Marci was stepping on eggshells with that one and it took all I had to not say anything back.
"Have you ever had a FBI agent that is also a doctor?" Mulder spoke for me, as he could feel the tension and irritableness creep up my back as Marci spoke. He soothed me back down and I bit my tongue, trying hard to keep my cool.
"You might be the first," she addressed me now; "I guess you do need all the relaxation you can get then huh?" Marci smiled, reassuring that she did indeed mean no harm.
"I'm really trying, but I admit it's difficult for me, I've never been one to let my guard down. It took a lot of convincing by my doctor to take a birthing class," I hated this subject and I wasn't going to go into details about it. The truth was Marci was right, doctors do sometimes act like know-it-alls, and I wasn't an exception. I didn't want anyone else by my side unless it was Mulder, he was the most obvious choice for a coach and I wasn't going to have some doctor tell me how it's supposed to go. I've always done everything for myself and my having a baby was not going to change that. Minimal intervention was the best in my mind.
"Well you have a good support system back here," she patted Mulder on the shoulder, "just make sure he won't pass out." She smiled and rose, addressing the rest of the class now, "alright guys lets grab some pillows and practice some breathing techniques huh? The key is to allow your body to relax enough and we start that with proper breathing techniques. Here, start a soft circle on the floor and we can begin." Marci helped the other moms get comfortable as partners grabbed pillows for support and comfort.
"Well that wasn't so bad Scully, look how much we learned, well maybe what I learned. I did not know your baby could come out looking like a cone head, I'm slightly terrified." He smiled at the small joke as we drove back to my apartment, it felt great to have this normalcy thing going. "What's wrong Scully? You seem awfully down for a mother to be."
"I told you before I just feel strange about everything. Leaving work, leaving Doggett, I mean I just can't shake those feelings. Maybe it is mothering instincts kicking in but I just can't—" I'm rambling and I'm not sure where all my thoughts were going.
"I know you are nervous I can tell, I know you feel like you should be working instead of taking care of yourself, Scully your wellbeing is the number one priority right now, you've gotta relax and take care of yourself, not only for you but for the baby." He reached over and placed his hand on my stomach, a gesture I appreciated as it offered a wonderful comfort that I had missed for a long time. I could tell he was excited, I knew from the mild reactions to pictures and videos in class that he had brushed up on his birthing knowledge. It excited me to think he had been preparing himself as well, while I knew he wouldn't admit to it, I appreciated the effort.
"Thanks again for coming with me." I placed my hand over his on my swollen stomach and gave a reassuring squeeze, smiling at him.
"I'll always have your back."