It was five oclock when mom woke me up. Stupid ho. She said some dumb crap like –Roooobeeeert, its your tenth birthday, you know what that means!!!!- and I was mad. She had no right to get me out of bed. I peeked out from under the covers to yell at her –Shut UP MOM!!!!- Then I went back under my comforter fortress.
-Um…Rooobeeert, you get Pokemon today, remember? A nice, happy Pokemon! You can finally be a trainer just like your father!-
I was pretty pissed and I screamed –Yeah my DEAD father! Pokemon freaking SUCK. Theyre gay and happy and even the cool ones are still douchebags, like the one that killed dad!!!- I diappeared back under the covers.
-Um…but you HAVE to be a Pokemon trainer…we don't want you anymore…I mean…honey…just…I have bacon ready!-
Well whatever.
I got up out of bed and walked over in my Elmo pajamas to the kitchen. Yeah. Elmo pajamas. Not Pikachu, Pikachu is gay. Every other kid in my stupid Pokemon class has Pokemon pajamas and I always go WHAT THE HELL? That's like…animal pajamas. Im going to wear pajamas with a skink on it. Heck no. That is for gay little people and their gay little skinks.
-The bacon smells horrible, mom- I lied. But mom was pissing me off lately with this crap like –Honey, all boys become Pokemon trainers here in Kanto,- and –Honey, please stop burning Mr. Mime,- and even dumber stuff like –Honey, all little boys leave home some day.- That's stupid. Maybe if I was like…eighteen. A citizen maybe. But ten? Come on, that's ridiculous. I was scrawny as hell and some creepy guy could rape me.
But it was breakfast time. Two hours before I had to get to the stupid lab. Mom just sat their smiling her stupid smile. Stupid mom.
-Um…well…have you thought about what Pokemon you want?-
I put down my fork and threw the stupid plate of bacon across the room. –I DON'T WANT ANY POKEMON AND YOU CANT MAKE ME GO GET ANY STUPID POKEMON AND I HATE YOU AND YOURE A STUPID HO!!!-
It turned out she could make me and I was at the stupid lab with a lot of people standing around and I didn't know who the hell they were. Stupid people. And there was some guy, some doctor or something, standing in the doorway of the building, and then mom asked – Are you ready to behave so I can take off the chains and you can go in and get your Pokemon?- I thought for a minute. Be in chains, or abuse small animals?
It might not be so bad, sending tiny little life forms to kill each other.
-Okay, mom, Ill be a good trainer I swear.- She looked so happy, but ha, ha, if she only knew I wasn't. I thought about selling it. But I didn't even know what kind Id get, maybe a Snorgle or a Pidgay or something, whatever. I didn't care.
-Greeting, I am professor Oak, the leading researcher on…-
-DON'T CARE- I interrupted. I like interrupting. Especially crusty old men in white jackets. –Give me my damn pokemon.-
The stupid old guy seemed confused and he twiddled his thumbs and put on this weird face and looked at mom. (Professor Oak: Sigh. That is all). Then he shrugged and did this weird smile and kept talking.
-Okay, um…whats your name?-
Robert. R-o-b-e-r-m-l-x-…f-…t. Robert. Robert Higgins.
-My names not as gay as yours, Professor Gay!- That was funny stuff. He didn't laugh, he just kind of changed subjects.
-Well, strange little boy, lets go see what Pokemon I have for you to choose from. Have you thought about which one you would like?- I thought for a minute and then I stopped because I really, really hate thinking.
-Uh…I don't know any Pokemans,- I said, -But I want something that can kill a lot of people. Like maybe something with fire or flames of big-ass teeth of some shit like that. You got that? Some fiery teeth pokeman?- The guy looked confused again and worried or something but I was getting really tired of this.
-Um, little boy, PokeMON are not for killing or bad violence, they are for friendship and the idea of good…- I cut him off again because I think old people shouldn't talk.
-GIVE ME A POKEMAN. GIVE ME ONE WITH FIRE OR ILL PUNCH YOUR BUTT HOLE!!!- That shut him up, and man, I was out of there fast with my very first pokemon. I didn't even know it was called, or how to get it out of the stupid ball, but I wanted to go home and play Solitaire on my computer so I shoved it into my pocket and went back home and forgot about it for a while.
(stay tuned)