Disclaimer: I own the feels, but not the characters.
She was numb.
She supposed that could be due to the fact that she was sitting outside in the rain, drenched to the bone.
But even as she felt goosebumps pop up on her exposed flesh, she knew that wasn't it. It wasn't a physical numbness she felt, but rather an emotional one. Something she felt in the deep recesses of her heart.
The thunder boomed again, and the merciless rain fell in heavy sheets. Taking a shaky breath, she looked down at the hands she clasped tightly in her lap.
In one white-knuckled fist she grasped a long string, at the end of which bobbed a single blue balloon. She looked up at it now, squinting against the rain. It was a miracle, really, that the balloon hadn't burst under the insistent pounding of the rain, but there it was. Whole in a way that she realized she wasn't anymore.
How did it get to be this way?
Tenten mused in silent misery as a couple walked past the bench she was sitting on. She didn't have to look up at them to know that they were looking at her oddly. It wasn't everyday you came across a ninja, dolled up in a pretty dress and heels, sitting in the rain holding a stupid blue balloon while her make-up ran down her face.
She heard the silent footsteps fade as the pair walked away, huddled under one large umbrella. Bringing a hand up, she scrubbed her face, her hand coming away stained with eyeliner and mascara and whatever other crap Ino had painted onto her.
It had been Ino and Sakura's idea to get all dolled up for this, considering that she almost never did so. And once the two of them had finished with her, even Tenten had to admit that she looked…nice. Well, she still thought the dress was too short and that she was wearing too much make-up, but still. It was a nice change.
She's rushed out of Ino's house, nearly tripping about a dozen times as she tried to run in the blasted heels the blonde foisted upon her.
She was worried she'd be late.
Tenten scoffed at that, but the sound came out sounding more like a whimper. Looking down at her watch, she saw that it was almost midnight.
He was supposed to be here at eight.
When the balloon finally did pop, Tenten nearly jumped out of her skin at the sudden sound. Eyes wide, she watched as little pieces of blue drifted to the ground and the string she held went limp in her grasp.
Neji liked blue balloons.
It was a little detail about him that only she knew. The popping of the balloon seemed to break something further within her, and she shakily got to her feet. Slowly, she started to make her way back to her apartment. When she nearly twisted her ankle by stepping into a ditch, she gave up and took the heels off and carried them.
Since it was raining, there weren't many people out on the streets of Konoha. The few that were out and about wore rain jackets or carried umbrellas, so she stuck out like a sore thumb. If she passed anyone who knew her, they had the good sense to keep their distance. She didn't quite feel like making excuses to concerned or curious friends.
And she definitely did not want to discuss her sad relationship with her 'boyfriend', if she could even consider him that after the way things were going lately.
Once she was inside, she shut the door behind her back and dropped the heels. Her face remained carefully blank as she methodically discarded soaking articles of clothing as she walked. Her wet hair fell loosely down to her waist, the result of an argument she lost with Ino and Sakura.
After turning the shower on, hot enough to scald, she stepped under the spray. It burned, and her skin quickly turned an angry red, but Tenten couldn't find it in herself to care.
Sinking down, she drew her knees up and wrapped her arms around them tightly, squeezing herself into a tiny little ball. It wasn't going to help curb the horrible feeling in the pit of her stomach, she knew, but the burn on her skin helped distract her mind. A little.
Sitting there, she let the burning water wash over her. She closed her eyes, listening to the sound of water hitting flesh.
It wasn't the first time Neji had stood her up, and it definitely wasn't the first time he'd done so without a warning. Every time, he'd come to her afterwards with reasons and stoic responses, and every time she'd smile back and tell him that she understood. That it was okay. That they could reschedule. That it wasn't important anyway.
She lied.
She lied to keep him happy. To prevent the arguments that would arise if she pressed the matter. So instead she'd tell him she was over it, and that she understood that he had to do this and go here and take care of that.
The saddest part was that she tried to convince herself that it really was okay.
They'd been dating for years. She loved him, and she knew for a fact that he loved her too. She knew him. Knew that he took his shinobi duties very seriously. She even knew that he took his clan business seriously, despite only being a branch member. She knew that he wasn't the emotional type. That he would much rather train or do work than go out watch the stars or go on dates.
She knew all this. And she knew it all when she fell in love with him. And she knew it all when she finally got into a relationship with him.
So she should accept that this was part of the deal, right?
Right?
Letting out a frustrated wail, Tenten punched the side of the shower wall as the tears she so often held back began to fall from her eyes. Pressing her face into her knees, she sobbed, the sound echoing in her tiny washroom.
No.
It wasn't alright.
And if she hadn't let her love for him blind her, she would have seen that after the first handful of times she bailed on her. After the first couple of times he wasn't there for her. After all the times she had to compromise her happiness and her feelings for fear of losing him.
She made excuses for him time and time again. Undermining her own feelings and thoughts to defend the man she loved. And for what? His love?
She scoffed softly, sniffling as she washroom filled with fog.
If standing her up and going long spans of time without talking to her was 'love' then she guessed all the fairytales she read as a child were wrong. Because this was nothing like that.
She needed more than this. She deserved more than this. And she was quickly realizing that even their fleeting moments of utter happiness weren't worth all the heartbreak.
Reaching behind her, she shut the water off and got to her feet. As she rubbed her red, tender skin with a white towel, no more tears fell from her eyes. Stepping out of the shower, she rubbed the mirror, freeing up a fog-free window for her to look at her reflection.
Her eyes were as red as her skin. With her damp hair swirling around her, she looked like a forlorn little girl. She hadn't seen that girl in the reflection for a very long time, and she did think it was ironic that the man who was supposed to love her was the one who brought that sad little girl back.
Giving herself another moment, she finally walked out of the washroom and into her bedroom. Dropping the towel, she crawled under the covers. On the other occasions that she was forgotten by her boyfriend, she would usually stay up, hoping and praying for him to show up at her door and apologize. To tell her that he'd make it up to her and that he wouldn't do it again. But of course, that never happened.
Tonight, she pulled the covers over herself and fell into a fitful sleep.
._._._._.
He didn't come to her until the evening the following day.
Tenten had woken up to Lee hollering at her door to go get breakfast with him. She allowed the broken little girl within her a moment to accept the fact that Neji had not come for her. Not that night and not that morning. And after that moment was over, Tenten shoved it aside and rolled out of bed to get dressed before her bushy-browed teammate broke her door down.
During breakfast, Lee had made a comment once about how she seemed different, but she waved it off with a distracted little smile and blamed it on period cramps.
They sparred for a long while after that, her weapons exceptionally ruthless today. At one point, she had struck Lee bad enough that they had to take a break to get him checked out at the hospital. After that, and a dozen apologies on her part, they went for lunch.
When Lee questioned her about Neji and his absence at training, all she did was shrug her shoulders.
When Lee asked about how their relationship was going, she gave him a soft smile and told him that things were as they should be. She knew that if she had truly confided in Lee about the state of her relationship, her crazy green jumpsuit clad teammate would be furious with Neji. In fact, she was sure any of her friends would react the same way.
But Neji was quite secretive, and he wouldn't appreciate her talking about him and their personal matters to their friends. And besides, it wasn't like she was trying to turn all of Rookie 9 against him. She did love him after all.
They went back to the training grounds after lunch, but Lee had bid her farewell soon after. Something about a youthful new training exercise with Guy-Sensei. That could mean anything from doing two thousand pushups to running laps around Konoha on their fingertips.
Chuckling slightly, she watched his dark head disappear in the distance. Sometimes she wished she could be as carefree as him. He always seemed to be so happy and cheerful. Putting those thoughts out of her head with a sigh, she leaned down to gather her discarded kunai before getting into position. After giving herself a mental countdown, she sprung up in the hair and released a hailstorm of sharp, shiny metal. When her feet touched the ground a moment later, she looked around at the targets surrounding her, the bulls-eye struck on all of them.
The sun was beginning to set now, and she made to gather her weapons when she heard him speak from the cover of the trees.
"You made record time with that last round," he commented in that monotonous voice of his as he stepped forward into the clearing. Hands tucked into his pockets, he trained his eyes on her. "Well done Tenten."
Despite her new found resolve, she still found that she felt a painful pang in her chest as she regarded Neji's handsome face. He had grown to be even more handsome than he was as a kid. Now a man, he was the stuff girls dreamed about. But Tenten knew, first hand, that a pretty face wasn't always enough.
Swallowing the lump in her throat, she continued on her path, pulling kunai and shuriken from the targets. He came up behind her then, faster than she could blink, and she felt his hands brush lightly at her hips. She felt herself melting into his touch despite herself. He rarely touched her like this out in public, something about it being 'improper' and that the clan heads would disapprove. He only made his move when they were alone, but when he did make it, it was enough to make her weak in the knees.
This time didn't seem to be any different than the others, because she could feel her heart skip a beat as she felt him press a gentle kiss to the side of her neck. Part of her wanted to let this happen, to forget that she was ever mad. He was here now, wasn't he? He was here and he was holding her, and she didn't need to see his face to know that he loved her.
And yet she felt the tears well up in her eyes, only to ruthlessly be blinking away.
She forced herself to step out of his embrace, bewildering him no doubt. She never turned him away. On the contrary, she'd drop everything to be at his side. But the knowledge that he wouldn't do the same for her helped her move to the next tree holding a target.
He was silent. From the corner of her eyes, she could see that he put his hands back in his pockets, watching her with a confused look in his usually blank eyes. Once she'd finally collected all her weapons, he spoke again.
"Tenten…?" he questioned, his voice carrying in the small clearing. "Is something wrong?"
She wanted to laugh then, but she was afraid she'd get all hysterical. Was something wrong? Of course he wouldn't acknowledge what he did. Wouldn't acknowledge how he made her feel, not once or twice, but multiple times. Because in the world of Neji Hyuga, he was always right, and he did no wrong.
Turning to face him, she channeled his stoic nature, schooling her face to go blank. She watched him for a long moment, willing him, even now, to try and make amends. To apologize for hurting her, for making her feel like she wasn't good enough. But he just stood there, watching her with those supposedly all-seeing eyes. If he couldn't see the distress his girlfriend was in, how all-seeing could they have really been?
"We were suppose to go out last night," she said simply, proud of the fact that her voice didn't shake. Instead, she sounded as calm and in control as she had ever been, and that gave her the confidence she needed to go on. "I waited. You never came."
She watched as Neji furrowed his brow, thinking back. His eyes widened slightly as he looked at her. He took a step forward, one hand outstretched.
"Tenten…I forgot. I had clan business to take care of," he said, his eyes willing her to believe him. But it turned out that he 'forgot' one time too many.
Not saying anything, Tenten nodded once, the silence growing between them. She watched him fidget under her gaze, no doubt trying to figure out how to diffuse the situation. He didn't like talking about feelings and such.
Watching him now, she found it almost amusing.
He knew he fucked up, but he wouldn't admit it. His pride wouldn't let him.
And so they stood there in the deafening silence.
She didn't know what Neji was thinking, but she was recounting all their memories. All the time they spent together, as classmates, then teammates, then friends, and finally as lovers. All those nights she fell asleep to thoughts of him, all those mornings she woke up with him on her mind. And she wondered if he ever thought of her like that.
She didn't resent him, she realized. She loved him too much for that. But she also realized that sometimes, love wasn't enough.
"Tenten-" he said, taking another step forward, but she stopped him by holding up a hand.
"I figured you had clan business," she said slowly, the wind almost drowning out her voice. "And if you didn't have clan business, you probably would have had shinobi business, and you didn't have that, you probably just forgot and spent the evening training or reading. I know how it goes Neji, I've been here before."
Gnawing on her bottom lip, she watched something pass over his face. Guilt? Shame? Remorse? She didn't know. And she probably would never know, since his pride would never let him accept that he fucked something up all by himself. She gave him a sad little smile then, dropping her gaze to the grass at his feet.
"I've always admired you, more than anything. It was what first attracted me to you. Even before we were genin, back when we were at the academy, I admired how smart you were. And as you grew, I continued to admire your intelligence, and your strength, and your drive. I knew you would go places, Neji. You were one of the few who would."
She returned her eyes to him, and though they shimmered with tears, her smile widened slightly.
"And look at you now. So strong, and smart, and powerful and handsome. You've become everything and more that I always knew you would be. And I love you so much, but-"
"I love you too," he interrupted hurriedly. Taking a few fast steps forward, he reached for her hands, and she let him grasp them in his own. "I love you Tenten. And…maybe I haven't told you as often as I should have, but that doesn't change the facts. You complete me Tenten. Please understand…"
She closed her eyes then, felt his thumb brush away the single tear that had fallen from behind her eyelashes. He wasn't stupid, he knew something had changed in her. If only she knew that this was all it took to get him to show some emotion.
"I understand Neji," she whispered, "I always do. But now it's your turn."
Blinking her eyes open, she was almost surprised to see the emotion swirling in his pale gaze. She smiled sadly at that, reaching up to caress the side of his face.
"It's your turn to understand that, while this…arrangement may work for you, it doesn't work for me. I cant…I wont keep living like this. Feeling like I'm not important enough or not good enough." He started to interrupt then, but Tenten pressed on. She needed to get all of this off her chest. "Feeling like I have to beg you to be around me, feeling like I'm a burden."
"You are no burden," he snapped then, voice angry, and she couldn't help the anger rise within herself.
"Well you sure do a good job at making me feel like one," she all but shouted, stepping away from him.
"Well you could have said someth-"
"I have!" she bellowed, amazed that he was actually turning this on her. "I have told you! And the few times that I did, you managed to flip it on me and make me feel guilty for wanting your time. And it turns into this huge argument that usually ends with me apologizing, and me trying to make up for it, despite the fact that it was you who was in the wrong! And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of this!"
She was breathing hard now, anger and hurt swirling together into one big, black cloud that filled her to the brim.
Pinching the bridge of her nose, she closed her eyes, trying to gather herself. Getting angry and shouting wasn't going to help at this point. Dropping her hand she looked over at Neji. He seemed to have his mask of indifference back on as he watched her through slightly narrowed eyes.
"I don't know what to say," he replied finally, and she knew him well enough to know that, though his voice seemed to be nonchalant enough, that was not the case. He wasn't expecting this. He truly wasn't expecting this. Perhaps he thought she would just continue on like this, excusing his indiscretions because he knew she loved him more than life itself.
Seems like she finally caught the mighty Neji Hyuga off guard.
Nodding slowly, she gave him another little smile that didn't reach her eyes. Neji would later be haunted by that image, by that smile, but for now, all he did was stare at the woman he loved for as long as he could remember.
"I figured you wouldn't…" she started softly, emotion dancing in her eyes. "And so I'll be the one to say that…it's over."
She did see the emotion on his face then. Shock, hurt, anger, guilt. It all flashed over his usually stoic features, and his mouth opened and closed as he looked for something to say. Something to make her stay.
Offering him that same little smile, she began to turn, but was stopped by his cold fingers wrapping around her wrist.
"Tenten please," he said shakily, with more emotion that she had ever heard from him. She turned her eyes to him, and the pained expression on his face broke her heart. Not for her, but for him. "Tenten I…I'm sorry. I was wrong, alright? Is that what you want to hear? Please. I love you Tenten, you have to believe that."
Nodding, she gently pried his fingers off her wrist, and clasped his hand between both of hers.
"I know you love me Neji. And I love you too, with all my heart and soul."
A look of hope, so endearing, passed over his face, and upon seeing it, Tenten actually hesitated for a moment.
Only for a moment.
"But we all have priorities. And it took me long enough to realize what yours were."
And with one final squeeze, she turned and walked away.
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xo