It is back
I fought so long, and so hard to be free if it. And yet now, it has returned.
What is it? You may ask. It is a dark cloud, and emptiness, a numbness of the soul. I thought I had banished it a few years ago, I fought long and hard against it, struggled to be free of its grasp and now it is back, and I fear I have not the strength to fight anymore.
My doctors labelled it depression, but they were mistaken, for to me, it was more than that. It became a way of life, my routine and at times, oddly, even seductively comforting.
What the doctors did not know, was that it was neither illness nor malady it was a real outside force, a malignant life force that gained sustenance and strength from the suffering of others. The worst thing about it was that the stronger it got, the weaker its victims became.
I could feel it the most lying in my bed, I would lie, for hours thinking to myself 'time to get up' and yet, I could not move. I lay, unable to move, some invisible force, some unseen hand unfelt, yet keeping me still. I would feel nothing, no anger, sorrow, joy …nothing. As it grew stronger, I continued to feel numb in my day to day life. Everything became grey and washed out; I took no pleasure in eating, no sense of pride on homework well done.
It was then that I started to hurt myself, cut myself, anything to feel anything at all. The scars on my left arm still pay thin, shiny witness. I would do more and more outlandish things, take risks greater and greater. Do things I would never have normally do, whether it was a risk of getting caught, or risk of physical harm I did it, anything to feel alive. Anything to feel.
Looking back at that time in my life is like looking at old faded black and white photos, film from long ago with colours long since gone, and sound dull, muted. I cannot tell you when it started, or even when I first began my civil war for my soul, but slowly I started to realise what was going on, and piece by piece, I clawed my way back up, reclaiming myself, rising from the pit.
When I started, I did not realise how deep the hole truly was, even today I do not know, maybe I never truly escaped. All I know is the journey was long, painful, and I slipped and fell many times.
The doctors gave me drugs, some seemed to help for a while, and others did not. Some people thrive and benefit from the chemical aid they give, but for me, they seemed to make me, less me. So, I stopped taking my meds and decided to fight for myself.
How did I do this you may ask, the answer was simple to work out, but hard to implement. Life, love and hope, everything the numbness isn't.
A war within yourself is brutal, and none can see the struggle inside. Sometimes I fought for friends and family, sometimes loved ones, but at the end of the day, I was only really fighting for one person. Myself.
But how do you fight a nothing? Anger does not work, it gives you the illusion of strength for a while, but then is just absorbed by the numbness, leaving you weaker for the effort. And as corny as it sounds, love works… love for yourself and others.
So, I started learning about myself, learning to love myself. I think that was the hardest part for me, to see the good in myself, to love myself, to forgive myself. Then I had to learn again how to love others, and that started with forgiveness, I had to forgive any that I thought had wronged, me. There was no place in me for anger or hatred anymore if I was to get myself back.
If you too have been struck down with the numbness, you need to fight it, not with anger and rage, but love and forgiveness. And so my tale has come full circle, I fought the darkness inside of me, and I won, only to have it find its way back to me once more, but this time the stakes are higher.
Now I fight for more than just myself, and finally we come to how it has managed to once again infest my very soul. For the past 2 years I have been free, free to love myself, and others, while I have been extremely wary of new friends, I have allowed myself to love the friends and family I do have, and it has been Good. Recently however that has changed, I have found another, one who touches me to my very core.
Her words have touched my like none before her, and I have yet to meet her. To be honest I do not know if she is, actually a she, and yet she still moves me. I have come to love her, and if she turns out to be a he, well I still think I would love her all the same. In her I see an echo of myself, I see in her words a pain and sadness. She wears the pain and sadness as others would a shield, sometimes I see a faint trace of the happy child she once was, she thinks that child is long gone..i know better. The happy person she believes is forever gone is simply lost, buried under the numbness. I wish to help her uncover herself.
I was in her shoes once, when the darkness held sway on me. I felt that happiness and joy were beyond me, I now know better. However, seeing her pain has allowed the darkness to once again gain a foothold in myself, the last few days I have found myself in bed again, unable to rise. I looked at a knife this afternoon, and thought how easy it would be to give in, and just let my life drain away.
I was lucky, a friend rang me today, and reminded me how much I am loved, and so I, once again am to battle the void within me. Only this time I fight to show her it can be done, to give her the will not only to survive, but to live. For she is my friend. Maybe, much more.
Truly love can do wondrous things, it is only when we get too cynical to allow it to help us, then we are lost. I will not allow the darkness to win now. It may have once had a chance to take me, but I will never let it take my love.