The usually happy place that you see called London is suddenly covered in dense fog. Around the same time, a ship comes out of the fog towards the docks of London. A guy called Sweeney Todd is on this ship, and as you will guess, his emotions control both the weather and later on, the song score. London does not realise this yet, and so are unaware that it should be sunny.

Another guy on the ship is called Anthony Hope. Yes, queer name for a queer guy. And guess what? He's singing!

Anthony: I have sailed the world and seen it's wonders! From the Dardanelles, to the mountains of Peru. But there's no place like-

Sweeney: (just entering) Look, if you're going to be singing that, I'm not sticking around for the rest of the movie.

Anthony: But Mr Todd! It's my favouritest song in the whole wide world!

Sweeney: That's not a word Anthony.

Anthony: (creates a swirling vortex of sickness through large, puppy eyes)

Sweeney: Look, shut up and let me brood.

Anthony: Are you going to sing Mr Todd?

Sweeney: No, Anthony.

Anthony: Pretty please, Mr Todd! Pretty, pretty please! Pretty please with sugar on top? Pretty please with chocolate, sugar, cherries and-

Sweeney: No.

The two walk off the ship, still not noticing the large amount of fog.

Anthony: Mr Todd, are you alright?

Sweeney: Of course, Anthony, I'm perfectly fine. I've just been on a ship with you for the past few weeks with nothing to read but your self-help books, but I'm perfectly fine.

Anthony: I'm sensing negativity, Mr Todd. You know, Paul McKenna says-

Sweeney: I DON'T CARE WHAT PAUL MCKENNA SAID!

Anthony: Okay, I'm definitely sensing negativity.

Sweeney: If you really want to know, there is something wrong. I've just been stuck in prison for the past fifteen years, playing poker for my food, and only realising too late that we were playing with the jokers in the deck. I haven't seen my wife in years, and for all I know could be dead, or worse, fat. My daughter could have gone downhill as well, now being a hormonal sixteen year old girl. And to top it off, I've got to go meet my batty landlady to see if I can get my apartment back and my shiny razors.

Anthony: (pauses) Is this an appropriate time to ask if I can see you again, Mr Todd?

Sweeney: (rolls eyes) Of course, Anthony, any time is a good time to say that. In fact, if I don't see you in the next week, I'd absolutely die.

Anthony: Thanks Mr Todd!

Anthony skips off into the distance, carrying a map he got from the McDonald's Happy Meal he got Sweeney to buy him.

Sweeney: I was being sarcastic. Now off to find my batty landlady!

Welcome to the land of London! Prostitutes, beggars, more prostitutes, a bakery, a bakery, prostitutes, beggars…you get the idea. Again, we notice that the weather is controlled by Sweeney, therefore making him God. Suddenly, although five seconds have passed by, Sweeney somehow gets to the middle of London where Mrs Lovett's Pie Shop is. It's a pretty building, that should really have vultures swirling around the chimney.

Sweeney: Feels like home.

A young man comes running from the shop, screaming.

Young Man: Evil! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil!

Sweeney: No, now it feels like home.

Sweeney enters the shop to see Mrs Lovett beating the crap out of some dough.

Sweeney: Shit. Now it's home.

Mrs Lovett: Oh my! A customer! And one who looks strangely like my love of my life, Benjamin Barker! I'm not at all suspicious!

Sweeney: I LIKE GIN!!

Mrs Lovett: And they call me mad, deary.

Sweeney: I'm sorry, but I felt a song coming on, and I needed a distraction.

Mrs Lovett: Whatever. Eat one of my pies?

Sweeney: I don't know, I really think I should-

Mrs Lovett: Nonsense! Everyone should get pie! And seeing as I've never met you before, and I'm not in the least bit suspicious that you look like the love of my life, I'll give you this one for free!

Sweeney: But I don't want pie.

Mrs Lovett: (pushes Sweeney into a chair and places pie in his mouth) Isn't it lovely?

Sweeney: Mmmmf!

Mrs Lovett: Roughly translated, is that 'Yes, Mrs Lovett, your pies are so amazing that I feel like spontaneously having sex with you'?

Sweeney (swallows) No, roughly translated that was 'Where on earth did you get that pie from mid air and what the hell is it made out of?'

Mrs Lovett: Well, I always have a pie in my hand in case anyone runs away, and I my pies are made from cats.

Sweeney: I thought that was Mrs Mooney.

Mrs Lovett: She wishes.

Silence

Sweeney: Anyway, what happened to my wife?

Mrs Lovett: What?

Sweeney: What happened to Lucy?

Mrs Lovett: Excuse me?

Sweeney: What happened to the pretty girl who used to live here?

Mrs Lovett: Well, before I say, I want to declare that I am still not in the least suspicious. Anyway, a long time ago, there was this really hot barber and this blonde. There was also this Judge with tight pants-

Sweeney: Why is that important?

Mrs Lovett: It's worth mentioning. Anyway, the tight panted Judge liked the blonde, instead of the much prettier barber or baker downstairs, and so he sent of the pretty barber to Australia.

Sweeney: When did you suddenly come into the story?

Mrs Lovett: Do you want a story or not?

Sweeney: Yes please.

Mrs Lovett: Good. Anyway, while the pretty barber was out in Australia, the tight panted Judge brought the blonde to his house and did the nasty.

Sweeney: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Mrs Lovett: (sighs) Oh, you're one of those, right? Fine, they 'made love'.

Sweeney: Where's Lucy?

Mrs Lovett: OMG I just realised something! You're Benjamin Barker!

Sweeney: No duh.

Mrs Lovett: To answer your earlier question, she poisoned herself.

Sweeney: And Johanna?

Mrs Lovett: She's been taken in by Judge Turpin. And that's not the worst of it. I'm afraid your Johanna is…is…is…an emo.

Sweeney: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Next chapter, we see the shiny razors and just why Johanna is an…emo!