The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has taken off for the day. Along with my brain cells. Trying to come up with something to keep me distracted until the new season of Archer. I came up with this.
Archer And Pam's Day Off
"All right, where is he?" Mallory walked into the bullpen where Ray was. "Where's Sterling?"
"I have absolutely no idea," Ray said as he read a magazine. "And I'd like to keep it that way."
"If you'd like to keep your front teeth you…" Mallory growled.
"Archer? Archer?" Cyril looked around as he entered the room. "Ray have you seen Archer?"
"No," Ray said. "Ms. Archer have you seen your son?"
"Yes, I'm just screaming his name for the fun of it!" Mallory bristled. Lana walked into the room. "Lana, have you seen Sterling? Or is he still in the closet…?"
"Phrasing," Cyril and Ray said at the same time.
"Where you two were screwing!" Mallory finished.
"A," Lana gave her a look. "Archer and I haven't had sex in weeks…"
"Really?" Cyril perked up.
"Shut up!" Lana glared at Cyril. She turned back to Mallory. "And B, I haven't seen Archer all day."
"It has been a nice quiet morning, hasn't it?" Ray remarked.
"Well then where the hell is he?" Mallory snapped.
"I don't know where your son is," Cyril gave Mallory a look. "I only know that he's not here. And neither is Pam!"
"Pam isn't here either?" Mallory frowned. "This does not bode well…"
"You think?" Lana barked. "Those two are a pretty volatile combination even under the best of circumstances."
"Well I don't think Pam is going to have sex with Archer again if that's what you're worried about," Cheryl said as she walked in. "At least until you two are on break. Or if we go on break."
"What?" Lana blinked.
"Never mind," Cheryl waved. "Don't worry about it."
"When those two are on the loose I think it is something to worry about!" Cyril snapped.
"We may have to prepare some more bail money," Ray remarked.
"Cheryl, did they say anything about where they were going?" Lana asked.
"Uhhhhhh…" Cheryl blinked.
"Oh God," Mallory groaned. "It's impossible to get intelligence from someone who hasn't any!"
"I don't know," Cheryl shrugged. "Pam told me that she and Mr. Archer decided to take a personal day but they told me to lie about it and say that they're on a case hunting down some cheating husband or wife or something. So I guess they're on a case?"
"Oh they're on a case all right," Ray quipped. "A case of scotch."
"Okay fine! FINE!" Cyril snapped. "You know what? I'm going to deduct hours from those two! YEAH! I'm going to deduct hours they earned for their PI license! Especially Archer!"
"How does that work?" Ray asked.
"Well technically I didn't write down a lot of hours for Archer anyway," Cyril said. "But now I'm definitely not going to do it!"
"Good for you!" Mallory nodded in agreement.
"You're on his side?" Ray asked.
"In this instance, yes!" Mallory snapped. "Those two slackers need to learn that this isn't…Slacker High and they get to sail through life like…"
"Archer Bueller?" Cyril suggested.
"And Spic-Poovey?" Ray added.
"Whatever," Mallory grumbled. "I'll also deduct this from their paychecks!"
"Wait we get paid?" Cheryl blinked.
"I'd like an answer to that question as well," Ray added.
"Me too," Lana said.
"Well I'm not wasting time and possible money hunting those two down!" Cyril snapped.
"I'm sure the police will call informing us of their latest felonies," Ray drawled. "Or maybe a nice bartender will dump their drunken asses into a taxi to take them home?"
"I only hope it's not another La Brea tar pits incident," Lana sighed.
"Or a Hollywood Bus Tour incident," Ray added.
"Or a Branson incident," Cyril remembered.
"Or a Vegas incident," Cheryl added. "Or…"
"I get the picture!" Mallory gritted her teeth. "Fine! The rest of you get back to work!"
"Doing what?" Ray asked. "We have no clients!"
"We have no cases," Lana added.
"We have diddly squat!" Cyril added. "Unless you've lined us up a job Ms. Archer."
"Diddly squat?" Lana asked Cyril.
"It's a valid phrase," Cyril defended.
"It's a stupid phrase," Lana remarked.
"Who are you?" Cyril snapped. "Dr. Samuel Johnson? I'm trying to raise the bar around here."
"By imitating Ned Flanders?" Ray snorted.
"No, by trying to act professional, you assholes!" Cyril snapped. "Ms. Archer back me up here! Ms. Archer…?"
But she had left the room. "I don't know how much more of this I can take," Mallory grumbled. "I honestly don't know what's worse. Sterling and Pam taking off, or the rest of these idiots staying!"
Meanwhile somewhere across town…
"Now aren't you glad we didn't stay at work?" Pam said to Archer as the two of them left a rather large aquarium in a theme park.
"Hell yeah! Ocean Park is awesome!" Archer grinned. "Wait, is this a rip off of Sea World?"
"It's comparable," Pam shrugged. "Instead of killer whales they have narwhals."
"What the hell is a narwhal?" Archer asked.
"You don't know what a narwhal is?" Pam was stunned. "It's basically a unicorn whale!"
Archer gasped. "That's a thing?"
"Yes!" Pam snapped. "How could you not know that?"
"Who do I look like?" Archer snapped. "Odell Shephard?"
Pam gave him a look. "You know about the guy who first started writing about narwhals, but you don't know what an actual narwhal is?"
"Technically he wrote about the Lore of the Unicorn," Archer corrected. "So I would assume that he would know about unicorn whales."
"Okay I see your reasoning here," Pam nodded. "Wanna check 'em out?"
"Duh!" Archer said. "Come on!"
"And after that there's a bar at the other end of the park we can hit," Pam smirked.
"I thought we just came out of a bar," Archer pointed. Indeed the large aquarium was actually bar that had an aquarium theme.
"We did," Pam said. "This is the Under the Ocean Bar. We're going to the Narwhal Bar which is next to the Narwhal exhibit."
"Okay I get why you wanted to go to Ocean Park instead of Sea World now," Archer realized. "Sea World doesn't have any bars in it does it?"
"Nope," Pam smirked. "I don't know why people have such a problem with Ocean Park. If people want to drink while looking at marine life, what's the worst that can happen?"
Not that far away from them a drunken man was looking down at a tank. "Here fishy, fishy…" He hiccupped. "Hello fishy!"
Just then an octopus tentacle popped out and grabbed the man, dragging him into the tank. "AAAHHH!"
The following day back at the Figgis Agency…
"Oh I am so angry I could scream!" Mallory seethed as she paced back and forth in the bullpen. Lana, Ray, Cyril, Krieger and Cheryl were there as well.
"Stop the presses," Ray muttered under his breath to Lana. "What else is new?"
"What did you say?" Mallory whirled on him.
"I wondered what were you going to do?" Ray covered quickly. "To Archer and Pam."
"Pretty much the same thing I'll do to you if you don't keep a civil tongue in your mouth missy," Mallory snarled.
"Well…" Ray took a look at the morning paper. "I wasn't going to mention this. But…"
"What now?" Cyril groaned.
"Someone changed the Hollywood sign to Holly Weed," Ray pointed at the paper.
"Ha!" Krieger snorted. "Classic…"
"I have to admit," Mallory shrugged. "With all the drugs people take in this town it is rather fitting. But what does that have to do with Sterling and Pam?"
"The only clues the police have is some graffiti saying Sploosh," Ray read in the newspaper.
"PAM!" Cyril and Mallory shouted.
"And Danger Zone," Ray remarked.
"ARCHER!" Cyril shouted.
"STERLING!" Mallory shouted at the same time.
"What?" Pam and Archer walked in at the same time.
"Did you have fun on your little day out?" Mallory snarled.
"Yeah we did!" Pam grinned. "We uh, went to the movies. Yeah. The movies. That's the ticket."
"We know about the Holly Weed sign," Lana gave them a look.
"Told you," Pam said to Archer.
"Eh lucky guess," Archer shrugged.
"Not when you spray paint your catchphrases all over your handiwork!" Cyril snapped.
"No one can prove that," Archer said smugly. "Those are popular catchphrases."
"They are?" Cheryl blinked.
"Anyone could have done that," Archer went on.
"How about this?" Cyril turned on the wall monitor.
A news clip was shown. "This is Grace Ryan," The female news anchor spoke. "In today's lighter side of the news, visitors to the Ocean Park narwhal exhibit were treated to an unusual sight."
"Whoo hoo!" Archer cheered as he and Pam rode some narwhals while wearing some wet suits. "This is awesome!"
"Suck it everybody else who's working!" Pam cheered.
"In related news," Grace went on. "Another octopus attack at Ocean Park and the third accidental death in the shark tank this month renewed calls by many watchdog groups to close down…"
Cyril clicked off the monitor. Everyone looked at Archer and Pam. "Well…?" Cyril asked.
"Oh that," Pam said. "Okay we totally did that."
"Why…?" Lana began.
"Uh unicorn whale?" Pam gave her a look. "Why wouldn't we want to ride a unicorn whale?"
"I know, right?" Archer said. "Another thing checked off my bucket list."
"You have the weirdest bucket list," Ray said.
"Well technically I put that on my bucket list like two seconds after I realized I could do it so…" Archer began. "Still counts."
"And I rode it to tick off my sister Edie," Pam added. "Sent her a pic on my phone."
"You really think that riding a narwhal would tick off your sister?" Cyril was stunned. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."
Somewhere in Wisconsin…
Edie sat at her kitchen table looking at her phone. "God damn it…" She grumbled. "First she ruins my life. Then she moves to La La Land. Now she's riding a unicorn whale?! I HATE YOU PAM! I HATE YOU SO F#$##$$#$#$#$# MUCH! AHHHHHHHHH!"
Back at the Figgis Agency…
"You're lucky you two weren't arrested for that stunt!" Lana barked.
"Oh please," Archer waved. "You slip the trainer fifty bucks and he'd let you ride a shark if you wanted. But I didn't want to ride a shark. Narwhal is cooler. And safer."
"Ocean Park's rules are definitely more relaxed than Sea World's," Pam nodded. "By the way Krieger thanks for the tickets."
"KRIEGER?" Cyril did a double take.
"Shocker…" Mallory sighed.
"Well I was able to get those tickets from…a friend," Krieger admitted.
"It's one of your damn clones isn't it?" Ray groaned.
"Yeah," Krieger nodded. "Ahab. He's one of the vets at Ocean Park."
"And another piece of the puzzle fits together," Ray sighed.
"There's a puzzle too?" Cheryl asked.
"Yes," Mallory groaned. "The puzzle is: Why I do still associate with you idiots?"