I sat up. I looked around. I had the very odd sensation of simultaneously having no clue where I was, and at the same time knowing not only everything about where I was, but everything about the world in which that somewhere was located. In short, I was sitting on a roof looking at Hokage Mountain. I don't know why everything still looks like it does in the anime, and it was very very disorienting at first. I looked at my hands, and that was very weird. I looked at the rest of me, and that was weird too.

I twiddled my thumbs, and that was kinda weird too. I examined the long white stuff obscuring either side of my face which was also weird, especially when I tugged on it and found out it was my hair. A thought occurred to me and I took off my vest thing and saw that it was red. I put it back on and looked at my shoes, which were high heeled wooden sandals. I ran a hand over my face and decided that that was definitely not my nose. I pulled the long white hair behind me around to the front and wagged it slightly before dropping it and running my hand through the spiky white hair all over my head.

I sighed as I looked at the very large scroll riding on the small of my back. I looked at Hokage Mountain and sighed again. There was no doubt about it. I had just woken up in the body of Jiraiya of the Sannin, with all his memories. I closed my eyes and sorted through his memories and after a long spat of reminiscing with memories that weren't mine I looked up at the clouds and thought, No wonder Tsunade turned him down so consistently…What an IDIOT…

I tried to stand up and managed to break the sandals almost immediately. I immediately discarded them both in favor of going barefoot. That first chakra jump was, to put it lightly, exhilarating. I bounded across the rooftops of Konoha, giving into the urge to laugh like a child as I went. Super jumping from the top of Hokage Tower to the top of Hokage Mountain was a thrill like no other.

I landed on Lord Third(Sensei?)'s head and immediately paused as I heard laughter. I poked my head over the ridge and saw Naruto swinging around on ropes painting the monument. I sat back up and thought about everything I/Jiraiya knew about Minato and Naruto, and one thing rapidly became clear to me: In this world, Naruto really was just some random orphan. No significant lineage, certainly not Minato's son. I looked over the ledge at him again, he was still the Nine-Tails, but that was just bad luck on his part. The only orphaned baby new enough during the attack for the sealing to take. A stroke of unbelievable luck on the village's part. They didn't mob and chase him this world, it was more ostracism and subtle stuff than that. Still though…

I sighed, "Why do I have to be such a nice guy?" I exhaled and walked over and down the side of the mountain, Jiraiya's confidence in his skills bleeding over to keep me from freaking out about it. I walked over to Naruto, "There's an easier way to do that you know." It was a good thing Naruto had tied himself off or he would've fallen as he yelped in surprise. It also made reaching out and grabbing him much easier. I hauled him up the mountain to the top, pulled his line loose and dragged him off, kickin' and yowlin' the whole way.

I used his own line to hang him from a tree. Then I sat there and tried to decide what to do with him. He finally quieted down and sulked at me. Finally I asked, "Kid, shouldn't you be in school right now?" Naruto looked surprised and then looked away pouting. I pondered him for a few moments, "Isn't the Graduation Exam tomorrow?" Naruto looked surprised, "How do you know about that?!" I stood up, "Naruto do you have any idea who I am?"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?!" I sighed, "That's not important. I'm guessing you haven't got a clue who I am?" Naruto shook his head. I raised an eyebrow at him, "My name is Jiraiya. I'm the guy who taught the Fourth Hokage, probably the second most powerful shinobi in Hidden Leaf right now." That got his attention. I grinned at the attentive look in his eyes, "Got your attention now?"

Naruto nodded, "Can you teach me how to be Hokage?" I laughed, laughed harder and then laughed some more. Naruto was glaring at me when I straightened up, "Kid, you don't want that position. I tried to warn the Fourth about it but he didn't listen. He was dead in five years." Naruto paled slightly and I grinned at him, "Let me ask you, why do you think you want to be Hokage?" "So that everyone will look up to me," Naruto replied.

"Well they're certainly not going to look up to someone who cuts class and pulls pranks all the time," I pointed out, "They might laugh if you're funny, but quite frankly kid, you're not. Even if you were, being funny can only go so far, even towards making you liked. The minute you start making jokes about people who don't take it well, or cross a line you shouldn't have with your humor, all that good will can disappear in an instant. What you want is to be a hero, and not all heroes are Hokages. Much the same way not all Kages are heroes, which reminds me I gotta get hold of Gaara before that happens…see if I can talk some sense into him…better run down Konan and Nagato too…"

Naruto blinked at me, "Who are Gaara and Konan and Nagato?" "Just some old friends," I replied, "Nothing for you to worry about. Anyway, back to the topic at hand, you're never going to be anything if you don't get your act together. I know school's boring as hell, but the more you skip the longer you'll be stuck in school." Naruto paled slightly at the thought and I grinned, "So how about I help you out with your jutsu, and you graduate the Academy tomorrow instead of failing for the third time in a row?"

Naruto nodded tentatively and I grinned, "Good! Now then, first off, Substitution." I pulled out a kunai and buried it point first in the ground, "Imagine yourself where this kunai is. Just picture yourself out of that rope and down here on the ground." Naruto blinked, closed his eyes, and substituted. His eyes popped open in shock and he fell on his butt looking at me in awe.

I grinned, "See? Told you I'm good. Now then, I hear you're having trouble with Clone jutsu?" Naruto's eyes widened and I grinned, "Get up and do a little dance, and imagine four more of yourself dancing with you." Naruto closed his eyes and started doing a dance that was silly even by his standards. Then sure enough, just like I had known would happen, four hazy copies of himself started phasing into existence. A few seconds later they were good firm images of him mimicking his movements.

Naruto must have felt it, because he opened his eyes and looked when they were formed properly. They stared right back at him. "I did it…" he whispered in shock. I grinned, "There's a reason it's a basic jutsu. Anyone with access to their chakra and the brain power of a flea can do it. All you needed was a little proper instruction. Let me guess, Iruka and the other teachers told you to 'feel your chakra and will it into the shape of yourself' or some other such nonsense?"

Naruto nodded, "Yeah! Just like that! Why couldn't they have said it like you did?!" "Clearly they're not me," I replied, "Now then, the other basic jutsu is Transformation. I trust you know that one?" Naruto sweated slightly, "Well, I only have one form with it, I call it my Sexy Jutsu…" I nodded, "Well then let's see it!" Naruto blinked, I guess that wasn't the reaction he was used to. Then he made his hand sign and transformed in a blast of smoke.

A moment later a very cute, very well endowed female version of Naruto was standing there looking at me nervously. I looked carefully as the smoke cleared, "Hey kid, I'm gonna try something, I need you to not freak out, okay? I think you did something beyond regular transformation jutsu, but I gotta take a feel to see if I'm right." Naruto blushed and I had to work very hard to keep my thoughts clean as I reached out and gently grabbed Naruto's right tit.

I snatched my hand back almost immediately as I realized that it was in fact flesh and not illusion, my eyes bugging out, "Holy crap you actually did it!" Naruto blinked, "Did what? Isn't this what everyone does?" I shook my head, "No, that jutsu is poorly named. It should be called "Disguise" jutsu because it's not supposed to change the actual properties of the person or thing. What you just did is an actual transformation. I'd need a med-nin to check and make sure, but you may very well actually be an actual girl right now." Naruto stared at me, "So…I haven't been doing it right?"

I looked at him, "Kid that's Jonin stuff you're doing right now. If your instructors knew you could do what you're actually doing right now, I think they'd have to pass you." Naruto stared at me and I sighed, "Put some clothes on, we're going to talk to the Hokage."

==Ten Minutes Later==

I rapped on the Hokage's window. He came and opened it when he saw who it was, "Jiraiya! I didn't realize you were back in the village." I nodded sagely, "Weeell I just got here. Took a nap, took a funny turn and decided I want back on the list of Jonin Instructors. I've got a kid I want to teach. I don't care who the other two are, but I'm teaching Naruto Uzumaki."

Sarutobi-sensei blinked at me and I wondered when I had started thinking of him as Sarutobi-sensei as he asked, "And what brought this on?" I shrugged, "Had one of those life changing epiphanies you hear about in books." "And what epiphany was that?" Sensei asked. "That I've been an idiot," I replied.

Sensei looked stunned, so I explained, "Number one, those kids from Hidden Rain I taught at the end of third world war, Nagato Yahiko and Konan, what the hell was I thinking leaving them there for Hanzo to find out about and target?! I should've had Tsunade and Orochimaru help me bonk all three of them over the heads and dragged them back with us! Next let's think about how I've been acting around Tsunade. Have you ever seen a guy succeed with a woman that way? I haven't! Then let's talk about the peace I've been striving for. What was I smoking when I came up with that? We're shinobi, we thrive in war, it's what we do. If I succeed in creating peace, there'll be no need for shinobi, the shinobi who are left will have nothing to do and the economy of the Hidden Villages would crash as we were reduced to policemen at best."

Sensei was looking at me more than a little worriedly, "You're starting to sound like Danzo." I snorted, "Don't insult me sensei, we both know I could never condone what he does. War and subterfuge though are a necessity for shinobi to continue to exist, so I'm not going to try to act like we could continue without it. I'm also going to track down Orochimaru and kill him, then if I haven't done it by then I'm going after Tsunade and she's bringing her happy little ass back here to either get it in gear or retire officially if I have to drag her by the feet. She's been in mourning long enough, and there've been a lot more people than her who've lost brothers and fiances. They didn't take nearly this long to recover and it's quite frankly embarrassing that she is. She's supposed to be the best kunoichi we've ever turned out, and this is the example she's setting?"

Sarutobi-sensei looked troubled, but I wasn't done yet, "For that matter, what kind of example have the Sannin been setting as a whole? The team genius went crazy and rogue in pursuit of power leaving two of his students dead and one with abandonment issues, the kunoichi of the team lost her boyfriend and little brother in the line of duty and took off for thirty years, and then there's me, the guy who hardly ever takes missions or students and is officially retired to travel around peeping at hot springs like a lonely pervert whose only significant accomplishments are teaching the guy who didn't listen, became Fourth Hokage and died within five years, and writing a mountain of smut that I'm sure makes all the ladies think even less of me. I'm embarrassed sensei, deeply embarrassed and utterly ashamed of myself and my team! I'm setting things right, starting today."

I could tell I was making Sarutobi-sensei very uncomfortable, so I grabbed Naruto, who was still in female form but had transformed his (her?) clothes back on and hoisted him (her?) up front and center by the collar, "So first thing's first, Naruto here has mastered physical transformation instead of that illusory disguise crap they teach at the Academy, and he did the two jutsu he's been having trouble with for years in less than a minute when I gave him properly blunt instruction instead of that hocus-pocus spiritual tutorial nonsense they've been giving him at the Academy. The kid's got a lot of potential and I'm not letting him waste it. Hence, I want back on the roster for potential Jonin Instructors, and I want Naruto on my team after he passes the graduation exam tomorrow."

Sarutobi-sensei looked like he had just had just seen a mathematical proof that "up" was in fact neither "up" nor "down", but "slightly more forward than left with a half squiggle twist so that it's pointing to the right". He weakly gave me a thumbs up and an "Ok…" before going back to his desk and hunting the paper work to get me back on the roster.

I stuck around with Naruto until Sarutobi-sensei found the paper work in question. I filled it out, wrote "Naruto Uzumaki" and "Don't care-Don't care" under "List three potential students who you would like to teach", signed it and handed it back with a smile. Sarutobi-sensei told me that there'd be a meeting for the potential instructors that evening at seven. "I'll be there," I replied as I smiled and stepped out the window with Naruto right behind me, "See ya around sensei!"

As Naruto and I bounced across the rooftops, Naruto asked, "So should I call you Jiraiya-sensei now?" "Yep!" I called over my shoulder. "Where are we going Jiraiya-sensei?" "Back to the Academy, I'm gonna interrupt your teacher and give a little lecture of my own. Maybe a test, don't worry you'll pass." Naruto was quiet for a moment and then, "Ok, but it's not gonna be a math test is it?" I laughed, "No way kid, I hate math!"

==Fifteen Minutes Later==

I knocked on the door to the class room. It was opened by a chunin with brown hair and a nose scar. Iruka was clearly more up to date on who was who in Konoha because his eyes bugged out when he recognized me. I grinned, "Hey there, Iruka right? I hope you don't mind, I was just giving Naruto here a little pre-finals tutoring. Would you mind if I borrowed your class for a little lecture? I understand a lot of them will be genin-hopefuls tomorrow?" Iruka nodded hastily, "Of course Lord Jiraiya! Um class, special surprise guest lecturer! Please give a warm welcome to Jiraiya of the Sannin!"

I laid a hand on Iruka's shoulder as I stepped into the room and sent Naruto up to his seat, "Call me "the Toad Sage", we were named "the Sannin" for a fight we barely managed a draw in. I'm actually proud of being the Toad Sage." Iruka blinked in surprise, "Uh, of course sir!"

I walked in and over to the chalk board, quickly grabbing a piece of chalk. I wrote, "Jiraiya-Sensei's Ninja Glossary For New Genin" on the board in big letters. The first thing I wrote on the board was "Shinobi", I turned to the class and pointed at it, "Alright class, who can tell me what this word means?"

A girl with pink hair who I could only guess to be, "Sakura Haruno, your answer?" Sakura and everyone else looked surprised that I knew her name. She answered politely, "A shinobi is someone who protects their village right?" I smiled, "Nope! Nice try, but that's a policeman you're thinking of. Anyone else?" The class looked dumbfounded so I sighed.

"Ok, let's try it from a different angle, what do shinobi do?" "Guard the village?" Sakura asked plaintively, clearly very unhappy to have gotten a question wrong. I waved my chalk at her, "Very good!" I turned and wrote it on the board, "Shinobi protect their village!" I whirled back to the class, "And who can tell me how that's done?"

There was a classroom full of blank faces staring at me. I sighed, "Can anyone tell me what the village needs protecting from?" "Missing-nin," a broody looking black haired boy who could only be Sasuke Uchiha said after a few minutes. "Very good! We have to be protected from missing-nin, shinobi who have gone rogue and would sell our secrets and kill their former allies! Take Itachi Uchiha for example, he bumped off his entire clan for power and then took off to who knows where! Who can tell me how he should be dealt with?"

"KILL. HIM." Sasuke growled. I pointed at him, "VERY GOOD! We kill the traitor! We do it to avenge those he killed, we do it to protect our secrets and our loved ones, we do it so that he can't kill us first, there are any number of reasons to kill a missing-nin, but the point is, we kill them. We kill them just as dead as we can, and if we can do it without risking their escape, say in a well-organized public execution, we make it hurt." A lot of the class looked uncomfortable and Sasuke was looking at me with a fair deal of respect in his eyes.

I gestured for questions, "Now then, who can tell me what else the village needs to be protected from?" "Other villages?" Kiba Inuzuka asked. I grinned at him, "Right! Other villages of people just like us who don't like us because they're paid to not like us! To consider us "them" or "the enemy", but really they're just people like us. We could get along with them, if we really wanted to, but we've been going at it for so long and spilled so much of the others' blood, that it's become something of a pipedream. We could try to convince everyone to forget about the brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, moms, dads, friends and children killed by the other side, and we could try to forgive and forget all the horrible things they've done, but let me ask you all, if someone were to kill your whole family, perhaps even right in front of you, would you ever forgive them?"

There were a lot of shocked expressions and Sasuke growled out a "Hell no." I nodded, "Exactly, but here's the thing, just as the shinobi of other villages have done many horrible things to us, so too have we done horrible things to them. The fact that Hidden Leaf has come out on top in not one, not two, but three world wars means that our village has sown perhaps the most destruction and death of any of the villages. So, knowing that, how do we treat other shinobi in peace time?"

Nobody had an answer for that, so I provided one, "With respect. Remember, you never know someone's history especially as a shinobi. For all you know that grouchy jerk next to you could have been the kid whose entire family was killed right in front of him." Sasuke twitched and several people looked at him.

I went on, "The pretty blonde on the next barstool over might've lost her fiancé and little brother and sunk into a deep depression. The timid little brunette in the front row might be the one whose family treated her like rubbish because they thought she was weak and in doing so made her lose the confidence in herself to blossom into a powerful kunoichi."

Hinata flinched and I continued, "The bubbly twit painting graffiti down the road might have been shunned his whole life and never had anyone to care about him." I saw Naruto flinch and I could tell Iruka was on the verge of intervening so I chose my next example carefully, "That hard ass teacher who never lets you slack off might once have been the village's premier prankster and the bubbly twit nobody liked because he just wanted somebody to acknowledge his existence before he grew up, got serious and made them see that he was there by becoming a respectable shinobi and a teacher." Iruka froze and the whole class stared at him.

"The lazy instructor who never shows up on time and reads porn in public might once have been his village's top shinobi until he lost his sensei and best friends in a war." I'm certain Kakashi sneezed somewhere as I continued, "That crazed murderous psychopath might have been a little kid who was almost murdered by the one person in the world he trusted, and the old man fighting arthritis to fill out paperwork might have been one of the most powerful shinobi of his time."

I had been making a point of meeting the students' eyes as I talked and now my gaze swept across them, "Remember, just because someone is your enemy in war does not mean that they are a bad person. It simply means that they work for someone else. However, war is in fact war, and the nature of war is to kill one's enemies. If you are to be a shinobi, then you must make peace with the fact that you will be required to kill or be killed on missions, and the people you will be killing are in fact people. They are people just like you who may have been your friends had events played out differently." I paused as the whole class looked slightly ill barring a few exceptions.

Then I smiled, "So who can tell me the lesson?" There was no answer so I said softly, "The lesson children, is to take no more lives than you have to. As a shinobi, one day you will have to kill, you'll probably have to kill a lot, but never forget, that the lives you take are people, not some cardboard training dummy."

I raised my head, "We are shinobi. Our livelihood is war and subterfuge, to kill when we are paid or ordered to by any means necessary. If we forge all our blades into plows, we'll be plowing for the benefit of those who didn't. So we must bear this burden so that the people we are sworn to protect can live in peace. That is what it means to be a shinobi. There is little honor or glory in our line of work, but we do more to maintain the safety of our home than anyone else. So before you go jumping off the deep end into the life of a shinobi, make sure you know what you're getting into."

The whole class was very thoughtful and in many cases troubled as they pondered my words. I raised my hand in farewell with a slight smile, "In other news, I have just come out of retirement. I will be taking a genin team this year, and I look forward to seeing some of you on my team. Naruto, I'll keep your spot reserved if you still want it, but all of you should consider the lives you are about to undertake, and your reasons for wanting to walk this path." I pulled out my Hidden Leaf forehead protector, shed my Oil one and put it on before gesturing to it with a thumb, "Once you put on this headband, you're in."

I patted Iruka on the shoulder on my way out, "They're all yours Hard-ass sensei." Out I went thinking, Ought to be some interesting attendance tomorrow.

==That Evening==

I was receiving some very interesting looks. Some thoughtful, some surprised, and in Kurenai's case, friggin pissed. From the way she was glaring a hole in the side of my head, I could only assume that Hinata hadn't taken my little lecture well.

Sarutobi-sensei cleared his throat as Kakashi arrived and closed the door behind him, "Right. Now that we're all here, let's get started. As I'm sure you all know, we are here to discuss tomorrow's class of genin hopefuls. Are there any comments before we get started?" "I have a question," Kurenai declared. Sensei nodded, "Go ahead."

Kurenai turned to look at me, "I would like to know why our respected Sannin decided to visit the graduating class today and give a discouraging lecture about the hard facts of shinobi life."

I turned to face her right back, "I visited and told them what they would've had to learn as shinobi at some point in their lives. If they became shinobi without learning that being a shinobi means that they'll be called upon to kill, then they'll find out as soon as the next war rolls around. Would you prefer they find out that killing isn't easy by having a panic attack in the middle of a battlefield after they make their first kill, or in the nice safe classroom where they can question their life choices in peace and safety before they ever have to take a life?"

Kurenai was still upset, but she was having a hard time finding a good objection. "You should have faith in her to make her own decisions Kurenai," I said softly, "She knows herself better than anyone. If she doesn't think she can handle killing, then don't try to force it on her. I may have scared one of the most incredibly promising students I've ever seen off the path of a shinobi today, one that I was very much looking forward to training. I took no pleasure in telling them what I did, but I would take even less pleasure in seeing my students freaking out and being horribly traumatized the first time they get covered in blood or see someone they care about die in their arms."

Kurenai was slightly mollified and I turned back to Sensei, "I think that's that question answered. You were saying sensei?" Sensei nodded and cleared his throat, "Yes, well, erm, as I was saying, you have all made your requests, those of you who had requests. If those students pass, you will have them. We only had one issue of dispute, Sasuke Uchiha. I have elected to assign him to Kakashi since Kakashi is the only other Sharingan user we still have." There were a few protests, mostly that Kakashi had never passed a genin team and would probably flunk Sasuke too.

Kakashi bore the complaints stoically and Sensei stared them down, "And Kakashi was right about every one of those candidates. If the Uchiha fails, he fails and we put him to work reviving his clan whether he likes it or not. I trust Kakashi's judgment in this." I grinned slightly as those protesting promptly shut their traps, Glad to see I'm not the only one who's thought about that.

Sensei gestured to a stack of papers, "These folders contain copies of the profiles of every genin that is not already assigned. Everyone look through them and mark those who you would be willing to teach."

We formed a line and I took a folder from the stack. I opened it and the first name was Aburame, Shino. I checked him off as someone I'd be willing to teach immediately and went to the next one. Choji Akimichi, check. I decided that the next one wasn't promising enough, nor the one after that. I kept reading through the profiles and didn't approve another one until I got to one that almost made me drop the folder: Fukusei, Hatsumei.

Hatsumei Fukusei was a character I had made up, he wasn't canon. I stared at the picture with the profile, there was no doubt, that was him. I looked at the little orange flag in the top right corner, that meant he had failed his first genin exam but had been approved for another try with a different team, not that that happened often. Second chances were very rare in this program. I looked for the section where it would mention what had happened and quickly found it,

Might Gai: Very talented and would be a very good shinobi, but was unfortunately on a poorly put together team that didn't pan out in the slightest. I recommend he be offered a second try as he did not deserve failure this time.

I nodded, that sounded about right, it wasn't the backstory I had come up with for him, but it made sense. Hatsumei was a damn good shinobi if he was anything like the character I had created, and judging by the abilities listed for him he was; he wouldn't have failed if he had any chance at all. I nodded and marked him off twice for good measure, I would definitely teach Hatsumei.

Then I flipped to the next profile and my heart almost stopped in shock, No…WAY… I thought as I stared at the second of my characters, Hyuga, Yumiko. Another orange flag,

Kakashi Hatake: Yumiko did everything in her power to support her teammates, but was unable to stop them from fighting each other more than me. Almost got a bell from me by herself after her teammates knocked each other out. Fully approved for another try. Refer to Might Gai if possible.

I nodded, that sounded exactly right. When I had created Yumiko she had been badass enough that she could've kicked Neji around like a soccer ball, and she was smart, beautiful and fiery to boot. If Hatsumei was a damn good shinobi, Yumiko was a perfect shinobi. I triple checked her name.

Then I flipped through the rest of the profiles, Let's see...I guess Kurenai requested Hinata already…Sakura, check. Kiba, check. No, no, no, no, Shikamaru, check. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Ino check. I flipped the folder closed, and handed it back to sensei, "If it's not too late, I'd like to make two more requests sensei." Sarutobi-sensei blinked in surprise and then nodded, "Of course." I pulled out Hatsumei and Yumiko's files, "These two. I've got a good feeling about them."

Sensei raised his eyebrows as he examined the orange flagged profiles, then he nodded, "Very well. Everyone, Hatsumei Fukusei and Yumiko Hyuga have been specifically requested, please remove their profiles from your folders." Everyone looked up at me and sensei in surprise, they all knew what an orange flag meant, and by the looks of it most of them hadn't looked at anything beyond that. I caught a look of approval from Kakashi and nodded to him. I looked at sensei, "Anything else Sensei?"

He shook his head, "No. We'll meet again tomorrow night to discuss the final assignments and the next night to discuss who passed and who didn't."

Out I went.

==The Next Morning==

I casually watched the Graduation Exams using Jiraiya's/my Transparent Escape Jutsu and wasn't at all surprised to see that many of the kids that had been in class the day before weren't there. I was also rather unsurprised to see that Hinata wasn't there. Kurenai's glaring had kind of given that one away. I was however somewhat surprised to see Sakura still there. After she passed I wrote on her profile, refer to Kurenai Yuhi for genjutsu training. Iruka and Mizuki looked at the space where my head was with surprised respect as they immediately saw the potential there.

When Naruto came in I was watching Mizuki like a hawk. I needn't have worried, Naruto passed brilliantly. It was kind of hard to fail twenty Naruto's each doing their own individual victory dance. Sasuke passed blandly and the rest of the examinees passed in a boring little blur, although I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something familiar about a lot of those kids. After Sakura came through, I wasn't surprised to find that Hinata was the only one of the Konoha 12 to drop out of the running. I made an invisible shadow clone to tail Mizuki to make sure he didn't get up to his canon tricks and then I went to find Hinata.

It didn't take me long to find her, Jiraiya knew Konoha like the back of his hand, so it was easy to find my way across the village to the Hyuga Compound. I strode right up to Hiashi's front door and knocked. I was met by a servant who looked unsurprised to see me. He was from the Branch House, so I guess he saw me coming. "I'm here to see Lord Hiashi if he's not busy, and I'd like to talk to Lady Hinata even if he is," I said politely.

The servant bowed, "Of course sir, if you will follow me please." I followed him to a small parlor, and waited. It didn't take long for Hiashi to sweep in with Hinata right behind him. Hiashi sat down across from me with Hinata right beside him. Hiashi gave me the old Hyuga Clan Head Stare, "Lord Jiraiya, it is an honor to meet you. May I ask why you wished to see me and my daughter?"

I smiled easily, "Yes. I wished to apologize for spooking Hinata off the path of a shinobi and speak with the two of you about the repercussions and options she has now." Hiashi's Byakugan was immediately active and most people would've run like hell from that glare, "Really? How, precisely did you 'spook Hinata off the path of a shinobi'? And an even better question, why?"

I raised an eyebrow, "I told her entire class the hard truth about being shinobi. It involves killing, and killing is not easy. You need not fret, half of Hinata's class declined graduation to Genin status. Only fifteen of the thirty even showed up today, and half of them failed." Hiashi raised an eyebrow, "And you saw fit to sabotage my daughter's graduating class why?"

I waved a hand, "Don't think of it as sabotage. You forget, there are far more paths in life than just being a shinobi, and the vast majority of people are in fact not even remotely cut out for it. Hinata would've been a fine kunoichi had she graduated to genin today. However, she would have been just that, fine. Not great, at least by Hyuga standards. If she hadn't been called weak and timid so often that she internalized it, well that might be a different story." Hiashi's glare intensified, "I'm not sure I follow you."

I smiled, "It's quite simple. Hinata's comparative lack of aptitude and strength is all in her head. You could easily get rid of it by encouraging her and telling her how strong she is rather than constantly pointing out her shortcomings. Hinata is suffering from learned helplessness, she's been told she's weak so often that it has destroyed her confidence. Hinata is inherently a gentle person, when that was taken for and labeled weakness, it became weakness. When someone acts or is told they are a certain way long enough, they become that way. If you had been telling her all this time she was strong, then she would be. Theoretically you could start right now and make her into the heiress you think Hanabi is going to grow up to be if you want to."

Hiashi was looking thoughtful, still irritated but thoughtful. Hinata on the other hand looked shocked. I smiled, "Really life is often simply what you make of it. For example, Hinata's decision today to not graduate to genin this year. You could take it as a sign of weakness, or you could take it as I do, and see it as a sign of profound insight. Hinata is not ready to be a killer, and she knows it. What's more, she had the courage to tell you that she was not ready. Given how high an emphasis the Hyuga Clan puts on being the best and perfection and all that nonsense, I'd say that took a lot more courage and strength to do than any exam that academy could throw at her."

Hiashi was looking less irritated and more thoughtful now so I continued, "She has an opportunity now to explore other avenues of life. With the Byakugan and the people insight it can lend, she would be an amazing politician or lawyer, and the Byakugan would also make her an amazing medic. She could be a psychiatrist too, Kami knows this village needs a few more of those. She could be an artist or a chef or anything she wants really. She's actually a very talented and intelligent girl, she just needs someone to have a bit of faith in her."

I rose, "That's all I came to say. Thank you for hearing me out Lord Hiashi, and please, both of you, think about what I said. Have a nice day." And out I went.

I paused on my way out of the compound as I heard a delighted shriek and bounced up to the nearest rooftop to look. I grinned as I saw the source of the shriek. Yumiko was in the Hyuga garden practicing her archery, and was currently hugging a very flustered looking messenger. I hopped down and sat on the branch of the tree holding her arrow filled target. "Good news I take it?" I asked cheerfully as she turned back around and spotted me.

Yumiko had an arrow trained on me in an instant, "Who are you?" I hopped down to the ground, "Your new Jonin Instructor Jiraiya the Toad Sage." Yumiko's jaw dropped and she immediately let the tension off her bow. Then she surprised me and tackled me in a hug that almost knocked me over, "Thank you!" I smiled and hugged her back, "You don't have to thank me Yumiko, but if you really want to, then thank me by being the kunoichi I know you can be." Yumiko stepped back and bowed quickly, "Hai sensei!"

I grinned, Yumiko was everything I had wanted her to be, "Well Yumiko, meet me at the Academy tomorrow and we'll pick up the rest of the team." A very flustered looking bat fluttered down out of the trees and transformed into a young man with black hair and yellow eyes, "Owwww…my ears and eyes…I hate transforming in the day time…"

I could almost see his eyes and ears throbbing from the over stimulation his bat form had received from flying in daylight through the ever bustling Konoha. I grinned, "Hatsumei Fukusei." Hatsumei's eyes popped open and he stared, "Lord Jiraiya?" He bowed at me, "Thank-you-thank-you-thank-you-thank-you-thank-you!" Yumiko blinked in confusion and then it dawned on her, "Hats! You're on my team?"

Hatsumei grinned at her and she shrieked with delight before tackling him in a hug that did knock him over. Judging by the grin on his face, I don't think he minded at all. I smiled, "Ok Hats, I'll tell you like I told Yumiko, if you really want to thank me, be the shinobi I know you can be. We'll meet tomorrow at the academy, I believe they'll be assigning the instructors and teams at eight thirty. We've got one rookie who I plan to surprise with you two tomorrow, otherwise I'd take you two to find him right now." Hatsumei and Yumiko grinned.

I decided it might be wise to tell them who Naruto was in advance, so I cleared my throat and got serious, "Before you meet him, there's one thing you should know about Naruto Uzumaki." I saw Hatsumei's eyes widen as he recognized the name, "I'm guessing you already know who he is Hatsumei?" Hatsumei nodded carefully and Yumiko was sharp enough to immediately realize that whatever I was going to say about Naruto was extremely important and probably not good.

"What you need to know," I declared in an ominous voice that had Hatsumei and Yumiko hanging on my every word like their lives depended on it, "is that the kid eats ramen like a fish drinks water!" I declared, "Seriously I've never seen anybody who can put it away like that kid! Ten big bowls is his warm-up! No matter what he says, no matter what he does, never ever let him convince you to buy him ramen or he'll clean your wallet out along with the ramen stand!"

I know I shouldn't have done it, but the looks on their faces was just too worth it. It took them a few minutes to recover and then, "THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED TO TELL US?!" Hatsumei exclaimed, "I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO TELL US ABOUT THE F-!" He stopped himself just in time to not say "fox" and clamped his jaw shut immediately. Yumiko looked at him curiously, so he knew but she didn't. I wasn't surprised, I had made Hatsumei to be probably the best information gatherer Hidden Leaf had ever seen. I would've been disappointed if he didn't know about the fox.

I pretended to clean my ear out with a knowing look, "The foxes and the bees you say? Ya know I always heard it was the birds and the bees, but I suppose foxes could work just as well. No, no, no, don't gimme that look, you asked, you're gonna get it." Hatsumei and Yumiko were both blushing as red as my vest (haori?), I knew they were already a couple, but I had to rib 'em a little anyway.

Before they could protest I started, "So, the foxes and the bees. So there were these nine foxes, and they took issue with a certain beehive in the leaves of a tree. Now these nine were very dangerous and powerful foxes, so they actually got to the beehive." My figurative language wasn't lost on the two and they were paying full attention. Good I thought, very good, "So the foxes were able to attack the beehive, lots of bees didn't make it."

"Eventually," I continued, "the queen bee took action, and the youngest of the bees, born that very day, took the fall alongside the queen bee so that all the other bees could live in safety from the foxes. The foxes were sealed away in the stripes of the youngest bee, and in years to come with the aid of a wise frog the young bee learned to channel the power in his stripes to protect his beehive. It was a long dangerous process, and many of the other bees feared his whole life that he was nothing more than the new form of the foxes, waiting for a perfect moment to strike, but the young bee did what he had to do to protect his beehive. That bee became a hero to his beehive and that is what should be remembered about him."

I grinned as I saw that they had understood every word I said, "The moral of the story students, is that it should never be about what you are, what's important is who you choose to be. Remember that when you meet Naruto. See you tomorrow!" and with that I was gone.

==That Evening==

Kurenai was looking at me differently tonight. She wasn't glaring now, instead she was giving me a very thoughtful look. I guess Hinata had told her what I'd said to her father. Kakashi came in last again and the meeting got started.

Sensei cleared his throat, "We all know why we're here, so we'll skip the chit-chat. The team assignments as recommended by the Academy Instructors in accordance with the Jonin Instructors' preferences are as follows: Squad One, under Hayate Gekko: Hanro Shi, Yugi Tobi, and Fugara Utakata." I cleaned my ear, certain I had misheard.

"Squad designations two and three are still in rotation. Squad Four under Inoichi Yamanaka: Sakun Aru, Sasun Aru and Naruhi Na." I looked at the ceiling, somebody was up there screwing with me.

"Squad Five under Erza Scarlet: Natsu Dragneel, Gray Fullbuster and Lucy Heartfilia." I stared at him, The hell?! Then I looked over, saw Erza Scarlet standing there in samurai armor and my brain shut down a little bit.

"Squad Six under Mugiwara Luffy: Roronoa Zoro, Nami Nekonodorobo and Sanji Vinsmoke," I twitched a little as I saw freakin' Monkey D. Luffy straw hat and all, munching a hank of meat as big as his head. This was getting ridiculous.

"Squad Seven under Kakashi Hatake: Sasuke Uchiha, Ran Domdude, and Phil Ername." I couldn't help it, I face palmed and tried my damnedest to hold back my snickers as I came to the conclusion I had somehow been written into some sort of crack fic, could this author be any more ridiculous?

"Squad Eight under Kurenai Yuhi: Shino Aburame, Sakura Haruno and Kiba Inuzuka," I saw Kurenai straighten up slightly with surprise when she heard Sakura's name. I guess she had heard of the Academy's worst fan girl.

"Squad Nine still in rotation. Squad Ten under Asuma Sarutobi: Choji Akimichi, Shikamaru Nara and Ino Yamanaka." Asuma looked mildly interested at having been handed the heirs to the Ino-Shika-Cho mantle.

"Squads Eleven and Twelve are still in rotation. Squad Thirteen under Jiraiya the Toad Sage: Hatsumei Fukusei, Yumiko Hyuga and Naruto Uzumaki." I sighed slightly with relief.

My relief evaporated at, "And finally Squad Fourteen under Kermit Gama: Piggy San, Fozzy Kuma, and Gonzo Degrate." My eye twitched as I looked over and saw a guy with green hair, a banjo on his back and a bit of a derpy expression, Oh you have GOT to be shitting me…

AN: First thing's first, as of right now, this is a oneshot. However, if I receive twenty follows and/or reviews asking me to continue this story, I will strongly consider it. Thirty and I'll definitely do it.

It will in fact be a serious fic as most of this first chapter was, and as such it will have its dark moments, as well as some seriously dark moments, but like this first chapter it will also have little moments of cracked-ness and crossover humor here and there.

The reason it's getting harder to tell whether the guy in Jiraiya's body is the guy who woke up shocked to be in Jiraiya's body or Jiraiya himself, is that people are really not much more than the sum of their memories, so the more the character interacts with Jiraiya's memories, the more he actually becomes Jiraiya. He won't ever be the same Jiraiya from canon, but he'll be close enough that people won't be able to tell anything's particularly wrong about him other than that he's mysteriously developed an entirely new personality and will know a few things that people will never really be able to figure out how he knew.

UPDATE: It's confirmed, this story will be continued, and chapter 2 is in the works.

Also, I know that somebody out there is thinking, "but wait, in canon the transformation jutsu actually did physically transform the person or thing!" Yes, yes it did. And that was stupid. Because my dear readers, if anybody can physically transform their body however they please, then number one, physical training is totally redundant because anyone can simply transform to add more muscle as needed, and number two, a great many other things in Naruto-verse are totally pointless. For example Kimimaro's kekkai genkai being a kekkai genkai, totally pointless if anybody can physically transform however they please because they would be able to replicate it at the drop of a hat. The Akimichi and Inuzuka clan's techniques being clan secrets, totally pointless for them to remain that way because someone who can physically transform their bodies however they want can do those things at the drop of a hat. Orochimaru's hunt for a Sharingan would be absurd because if he could transform however he wanted, he'd be able to alter his eyes to match the Sharingan or the Byakugan or whatever the hell else he wanted. Even without one to study he'd experiment enough that eventually he'd get it down pat, he might not be able to replicate the powers of a Mangekyo, but let's face it, those are broken as hell anyway. Medical jutsu and Tsunade's regeneration ability being some big hard thing would be absurd because anybody would be able to force their body to change and mimic the effects of regeneration at will as long as they weren't knocked out. So I'm chalking this up to a plot hole rather than label everyone in Naruto-verse freakin morons. Seriously, this is up there with using Shadow Clones to do paperwork.

Yes, this does mean that Naruto being able to physically transform however he wants is in fact, a really big deal, and yes, it will be something New-Jiraiya capitalizes on.