ver since Kate had come into her office to inform her that she would be taking maternity leave, Caroline felt like she had been living in some sort of dream like state. She dared not think this was her new reality as the world she now inhabited was one of her worst nightmares, she hoped she would soon awake and things would be like they were, well maybe not as they were as that had got her into this the mess, no she hoped she would wake in a time and place when she could make things right.
Everyday life had become an effort; she knew she was barely functioning as a human being let alone as a mother or as a headmistress of a prestigious school. She knew it could not go on but she could not see how to end this malaise. Maybe John had been right, maybe she was a shriveled up fruit of woman, a woman who had rejected the very thing that would have sustained her and brought life to her very being. She had cowered from the one person whose love would have allowed her to blossom into the woman she might have been had she not forgone supposed forbidden love all those years ago when she was at university.
As she sat in her office she was reminded of words from a song that she had a listened to a few weeks back as she drove to school, lost to the memories of the life that could and have been hers "give me these moments back, given them back to me, give me that little kiss, given me your hand"
God how she longed for her precious moments with Kate, the excitement she felt when Kate kissed her and the ecstasy which spread through her body like a raging forest fire when Kate made love to her. Caroline had come to realize that Kate had consumed her heart, body, mind, her very soul, with the love that she had given Caroline, a love which Caroline had treated with contempt and distain. She had loved in secret never daring to show the world let alone Kate the love she had in her heart, she had behaved as if she were ashamed of her love for Kate. She had tried to explain why once, articulate that on that fateful night at the hotel, but Kate was right did the people of Yorkshire really care that she loved a woman and that she wanted to be loved by a woman, true there would always be those people for whom it did matter, but the reality was that those people were fast becoming the minority – the ladies were truly landing.
Caroline felt salty rivulets of tears on her lips as they fell from her eyes, snaking their way down her cheeks and falling like droplets of melting ice onto the papers now strewn across her office desk. She cried for those lost moments with Kate, her Kate, not Greg's, her Kate.
Her decent into misery was broken by a knock on the office door
"Come in" Carline called hastily wiping the tears from her face in the vain hope she might hide her utter misery.
Beverley appeared, and as she stepped in Caroline's office she let out a palpable gasp. Over the past few weeks she had seen what she could only describe as the life drain from her doss, but today Caroline looked more bereft than ever. Beverly's Dr. Elliot appeared broken and beaten.
"Is everything ok Caroline"
Of course it wasn't, any fool could see that, Beverly chastised herself, but she simply could not find the words. Caroline dismissed her colleague's concern was a simple nod and some half baked excuse about a frustrating day going through school inspection reports. All the time keeping her eyes firmly fixed on the papers in front of her less Beverly see her tear stained cheeks
"What can I do for you Beverly."?
Caroline's every faithful assistant wasn't quite sure how to say what she was about to say, she had certainly heard the rumors about Kate and Caroline but Kate on maternity leave, the call she had taken did not make sense - how could it be?
"I have Harrogate District Hospital on the line, their maternity unit to be specific– they need to talk to you about Kate McKenzie"
Caroline's head and whole body jerked to attention as if a bolt of electricity has shot through her body "What, what do they want, is she all right"
She rattled off the questions like a machine gun that had jammed and kept firing finally managing "Put them through" in something of an over officious manner for which she would have to apologize for. Beverly left the office, retuning to her desk and putting the call through – while she expected Caroline to be concerned about one her teachers, her reaction suggested there was more
"Hello this is Dr. Elliott, Caroline, what's happened, is Kate ok, can I talk to her"
Again Caroline fired questions
"This is Nurse Booth, Kate has asked us to call you, I am unable to say too much over the phone but we assured Kate someone would contact you"
The Deputy Head and Beverly trailed in Caroline's wake as she stormed down the corridors of the school. Caroline barked out orders and instructions as she headed to the car. As she crouched by her car, emptying the contents of her handbag on the tarmac frantically trying to find her car keys that would take her to Kate, she suddenly remembered, Lawrence, she called her mother
"Mum, Kate's been taken to hospital, PLEASE MUM no opinions about what I should and should not do , I am going to hospital to be with Kate, no Mum I mean it I am not going to explain to you or anyone else for that matter why I am going, why I need to go to Kate just keep and eye on Lawrence and I will call you when I can
Caroline struggled to drive through the torrent of tears, she thought of Kate alone and scared in a sterile hospital room possibly mourning the loss of another chance of motherhood. Christ had she lost the baby, was the baby ok, was Kate ok? Why the hell wouldn't the nurse tell her exactly what was wrong – a voice reminded her you blew it Caroline, you are not her girlfriend, the reality was at this moment in time you are nothing more that her boss, a friend at best.
The thought of Kate in any physical or emotional pain was killing Caroline, she wanted to take Kate's pain away, she wanted to carry that burden for her – god make the lights change to bloody green, please.
Carline literally ran, as quickly as her stilettoes heels would allow, to the maternity unit. As she ran into the maternity unit reception crashing open the door causing people to look up she found Nurse Booth almost immediately. Nurse Booth smiled at her
"Can I help"?
Caroline's mind was a blur
" You called earlier I am Caroline, Dr. Elliot, I'm, I'm Kate's girlfriend so I am not sure what that makes me but I need to see her" Caroline spoke not in the whispered tones she had once used when other people were in ear shoot, not this time, she spoke with 's confidence, daring anyone to defy or question her
Nurse Booth smiled "Makes you the co-parent if you want one of those new fangled terms , I will take you to her now , the Doctor will be with your shortly to talk to you both". Nurse Booth led her to Kate's room – she gently tapped on the door and as they both walked Nurse Booth told Kate
"Your girlfriend is here"
Kate gently stirred, she opened her eyes, her eyes the window to her pain and suffering. Caroline wanted to sweep her up in her arms and kiss the pain and hurt away. She wanted Kate's pain inside of her, she did not want her beautiful Kate to be in pain. Nurse Booth made her excuses and quietly left the room. Kate spoke first
"Why did you come Caroline"?
Caroline was not shocked by the directness of the question, for all Kate's apparent outward timidity to assume Kate was supine was to do so at your own peril. One of Kate's many qualities was her selflessness, her desire make people feel valued however she also possessed a will of iron, if Kate felt it was right to defend someone, something she would, as Caroline knew to her cost. She pushed Kate too far once and found exactly how strong in action and thought Kate could be.
Caroline knew exactly why she had come to Kate
"Because I love you Kate, because I don't want to cower, explain or justify my love to anyone, I want to spend the rest of my life with you at my side helping me grow up. Because your pain in my pain, your happiness is my happiness, your dreams are entwined with mine"
Kate stared at Caroline who remained rooted to the spot, she looked into Caroline's eyes as if searching to know the truth of the words Caroline had just spoken. Before she could respond Caroline spoke again
"Kate!" Caroline said rather more harshly that she intended, "tell me what the hell is going on, how I feel is irrelevant all that matters is you"
Kate tried to blink away the tears that had started to form, Caroline finally moved from the spot where she had stood. She went to Kate's bedside daring to take Kate's hand in hers. There they remained , hands entwined in silent thought for what seemed like an age, only broken when Caroline let got on with one of Kate's hand's so she could stroke Kate's beautiful soft cheek, both remained silent Kate searching Caroline's face for some crumb of comfort and Caroline looking back with a love that over whelming her. It tore Caroline's heart to see Kate so scared and frightened. Kate finally managed to choke out some words
"There were come complications. The Doctor said that I should wait for the results to know for sure what the complications are. Oh god Caroline what if it's happening again – what happens if I lose this baby!"
Then Kate finally broke down, Caroline simply gathered her in her arms and rocked her, Kate cried with such force that Caroline could feel Kate's body convulse. She held Kate until she could cry no more. Kate gradually released herself from Caroline's embrace and looked at her with those eyes, oh those eyes which Caroline swore could look into your very soul, finally Kate spoke.
"Since when did you step out of the close? They asked if there was someone they should call and I told them you were a friend ".
Caroline smiled
"I love with all my heart and I meant what I said no more cowering, you are beautiful Kate why would I want to hide my love for you, Christ I should be shouting it from the bloody rooftops"
Kate managed a smile, if inwardly – maybe Caroline was capable of growing up on her account, she had not skulked into the hospital in some apologetic way, she had strode in here and laid claim to Kate, her heart and their love. Then again Dr. Elliot was extremely erudite, a past mast of saying the right thing at exactly the right time, after all she had to cajole parents, teaching and governors on a daily basis. Caroline's words had resonated but Kate simply could not think about it deeply, for now. Before Kate could speak there was a tap on the door and the Doctor and Nurse Booth both walked in? Caroline felt Kate's hand tense in hers and heard her take a shaky intake of breath.