The one thing Alicia can't do is start writing with 'dear diary' but the words that are screaming inside her need to come out, so she starts by dating the top of the page. The easiest way to start is to start with the facts...

02 April 2009

'Peter has been home for 2 days now; he spends his day on the phone, the computer and with the kids. Trying to finalise everything for his trial and prepare his evidence and witnesses.'

She looks down at the page, the facts are not keeping her up at night, but it's the feelings she has been bothered by. The way his presence makes her feel, the way he smiles at her, he is scared of her. Scared she will leave him, or afraid that she hates him... these are feelings she just wishes she didn't have.

I've been trying to deal with him being near me, when we are within a metre of each other it feels wrong, I can't figure it out or understand it. Something I remember loving was his body moving past mine, just the closeness was comfortable, however it now feels like I'm living with a stranger.

How should a women deal with an affair, or many affairs...

Is it worse that he was with a prostitute, or is it better? How do Ihave sex, or make love to him after this... surely there is nothing I can give him that he even wants. He paid for sex, with a girl so young she could have been his daughter. Am I unattractive to him now? Does he really want to be married to me still, or is his career the reason he wants to stay together? Does he think I'm a fool for staying by his side?

All the things she said on TV and in the magazines hurt, hearing the words he spoke to her hurt. I've never been so embarrassed. Yet when I see him I want to hug him, and I want to be in love again, we used to be so in love.

He is so thoughtful now; he is treating me like he could so easily break me. He acts as though he would do anything to make our marriage work. I'm overwhelmed right now; even my thoughts don't make sense. I feel like I'm falling for him again, and I can't decide if that is good, or bad.

Alicia looked back at what she wrote; she wished she could make sense of it all. It was near 12pm and she knew the next day would be long, for that she was thankful. It would be tomorrow evening that would be a little terrifying as it was Friday and that would be her first evening together with Peter followed by a long two days which work cannot be her excuse to get out of the house. She will have to deal with some of the problems they are having.

She walked to her wardrobe and pulled out one of the few clean night dresses she had left. It was a deep red satin chemise with a little bit of black lace tastefully used on the trim. Her longer more conservative night dresses were in the basket to be washed, not that it should matter anyway.

She walked into the bathroom to brush her teeth and noticed that the kitchen light was on, she realised Peter was probably up still working on his appeal. Alicia looked at her face in the mirror, trying to decipher how well she had aged, playing with her hair until it sat in a way that made her feel more attractive. She fiddled with her night dress to make herself look as sexy as possible, then she just stared at her body and her face. She bushed her teeth and put the tooth brush away wanting to put a little lip gloss on but thinking better of it she turned around heading towards the door, not paying attention. Peter was walking in towards the bathroom, she ran directly into him. His natural reaction was to grab her arms to steady her. They both froze, not sure what to do.

She looked up at him, thinking of all the things she was writing down earlier. His hands loosened and slid down her arms towards her hands, her eyes were on his lips and then to his eyes. Peter was watching her and realised where she was looking, he wanted to touch her, or kiss her. He just couldn't move; he knew if he did and she wasn't ready it would destroy his chances, but he couldn't stop staring at her, his eyes dropped to look at what she was wearing. He licked his lips, a move that Alicia noticed immediately; she couldn't help but feel better when she saw it.

Alicia moved her arms up over his shoulders and around his neck, she pulled him close enough to hug her, she was watching his face, the way his muscles moved and the uncertain look in his eyes. She wanted to know how he felt inside, what he was thinking. Peter moved his hands to her waist, she had such an amazing figure, he let his right thumb move slowly over her abdomen where his hand rested.

She wanted him to pull her up against him; but she also wanted to push him away, this internal tug of war was tiring her out. She took one step back and used her grip around his neck to pull him with her, he took the hint and followed her with a small step, then another, until he realised what she wanted. He gently pushed her against the wall keeping his hands on her hips. She took a deep breath letting her chest rise and then let it out when she relaxed a little more.

Peter looked into her eyes waiting for her to push him away or let him know it was okay, he moved his body closer, stepping one foot in between both of her feet. She could feel his leg against hers, then he slid his hands up her waist, the satin of her chemise moved to show almost all of her thighs. She leaned into the wall more as Peter moved down to kiss her collarbone, she felt the warmth of his mouth, the softness of his kisses, and he was being so tender and gentle.

"Alicia...you're beautiful" he said as he leaned in close, his lips were just one inch away from hers. He wanted her to close the distance for the kiss, she waited for a moment, a moment that felt like an eternity to him. Enjoy the closeness she tilted her head up slightly and pushed her lips against his, as soon as she did his hands moved around her body and he pushed himself against her. She gasped at the coldness of the tiles on the wall as all the bare skin of her legs and upper back were pushed against it, and their kisses got more forceful. Alicia started pulling his shirt off, he lifted his arms up and she dropped the shirt on the floor, she could feel his erection against her body. Their hands found each other again and Peter started moving under Alicia's night dress. When she felt his hands on her bare stomach she froze.

He knew what was happening immediately, she dropped her arms beside her and he moved his around her to hug her. She couldn't get the thoughts out of her mind, the thoughts of him with another woman. He felt her sadness, and he wanted to make it go away, standing in the master bathroom holding her tightly against his bare chest he could feel tears slowly roll down her face onto his body.

"I love you Alicia, please let me hold you" he looked down at her for any indication. She nodded her head without looking up at him.

"I'm tired, would you come to bed and sleep next to me tonight?" she still would not look at him.

"I'd love to, thank you" he held her hand and walked with her into her bedroom, realising how lucky he was to be invited into her bed tonight. He had permission to hold her, to comfort her. He felt awkward being in her bedroom, he didn't want to push her boundaries too far.

He watched her walk over to the bed and pull the covers back, he moved to the opposite side that she took, he noticed that it was the same side as she used before everything fell apart.

She looked over to him "Are you coming to bed?" she was nervous, and he was standing near the bed watching her, which made her more uncomfortable.

"Yes of course" he smiled at her, and he pulled his socks off and slid into bed next to her. Careful of getting so close as to actually touching her, he was lying there quietly on his back as she turned the light off. She rolled towards him, watching his figure reappear after the shock of turning the light off wore down. She could see his face outline and his chest rise and fall with his breath, she moved closer to him hearing his breath hitch a little. She could tell he was nervous, and she was nervous too.