It was a warm, humid day in the Hobbit Town, capital of the Shire. Harry Potter woke up in his sleeping bag beside Bilbo's bed.
"This is fucking crazy how hot my ass is," Harry Potter said. "Holy shit I am hot."
Bilbo awoke soon after. "Wow it's hot outside," he exclaimed.
"You are damn right it is Bilbo," Harry answered. "My ass is hot as my balls."
"Well I guess let's try to make breakfast anyway," Bilbo said, trying to calm down Harry Potter. "I have a good crispy bacon stash to cook up son."
Harry grinned despite how hot and sweaty he was. He was glad he had found out Bilbo Baggins was his biological father. Hobbit Town was a fun place to live, much better than back in England. He loved his sleeping bag a lot too. It was his favorite sleeping bag he had and he loved his sleeping bag.
"IT IS HOTTER THEN A FUCKING DESSERT," Harry screamed to Bilbo.
"Calm down let's cook up the bacon."
"OK Dad," Harry Potter said.
They were in the kitchen, sweating profusely, when Gandalf appeared at the door.
"God damn is it hot as a shit on fire out here to day," he said. Bilbo nodded in agreement.
"I have an idea, let's go get a bite to eat in a cool restaurant instead of sweating over the stove like this," Gandalf suggested. "Hell, it could be a tight adventure."
Harry Potter laughed, "you and your crazy adventures Uncle Gandalf." He shook his head and laughed uproariously.
Gandalf shot magic that made Harry Potter suddenly vomit. "That will learn you to disrespect an old man," he bellowed. Bilbo was stunned. "That's gross as shit you old coot."
"Well then it's settled where are the best restaurants in the Shire, Bilbo?" asked Gandalf.
"Hooters," said Harry Potter.
The three set out toward Hooters. It was in a seedy area of Hobbit Town. There were many pimps, thugs, and Hobbit gangs. Everyone kept trying to pick fights or be a hooker to Gandalf.
"What the fuck Harry, are you sure about this?" he asked.
"Trust me Hooters has the best wings in town, and some of the biggest sodas, I recommend it whole heartedly," Harry answered.
"That's my boy," said Bilbo.
They walked for about eight more minutes until they saw the Hooters sign staring them in the face. The parking lot looked kind of empty and Gandalf tensed up a little. "I have a bad feeling about this," he said. Bilbo gulped.
"Come on you little dipshits," Harry laughed. "It's just Hooters."
Harry Potter opened the door first. He expected a grand scene, a "WELCOME TO HOOTERS", and to see all the hobbits with the biggest boob. But it was quiet.
"…" Harry Potter said.
There were a few shady looking men eating at the bar, and some other normal customers about. None of them were the fine ass hobbits Harry Potter had been expecting.
"This is bullshit," he said. Bilbo had just walked in after him. Harry sighed.
"I guess can we get a seat, or what?" The customers looked up for a minute, but no one answered.
There was a loud rattle and clang that came from the kitchen and then the doors burst open.
AC Slater appeared. He was wearing an apron and a cook's hat. He looked pissed as fuck, murderous, and freaking insane.
"Oh my god. Jesus my GOD! What are you lot doing here!? Get out Bilbo what the fuck. This is my Hooter's you know that you little shit! Get back out to the shire!" AC Slater screamed.
The Hooters grew deadly silent.
"I'll never forgive you Bilbo," Slater continued. "I'll never forgive your sorry ass and is this your son? He should have been mine son you little shit hobbit. Fuck all the hobbits GET OUT OF THE HOOTERS. He's dead. This little butthole is dead!"
Before anyone could do anything AC Slater pulled out a butcher knife and threw it into Harry Potter's head.
Bilbo was aghast. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO SLATER!"
"I killed your son because you stole my girl you shitty little hobbit," AC Slater replied. "And Hooters was a trap the hole time, I knew Harry would get horny and come here. You have just been played."
Harry Potter was instantly dead.
Bilbo crouched and started powering up.
"YOU ARE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS YOU BRUTE!"
Gandalf shuffled in. "What the fuck is this?" the white wizard exclaimed. "Oh my god." He saw Harry who had just been killed with a butcher knife by Slater.
Gandalf's eyes narrowed. He got pissed as fuck. "You're going to eat shit now." He started powering up too.
Meanwhile in the far corner of the Hooters, unaware of what was causing all the racket up front, Stu Pickles was enjoying a meal alone.
He grumbled. "Just trying to eat some wings over here, I wish these idiots would shut their trap." Stu's hands were sticky he had eaten so many wings. Dee Dee had gotten so damn pissed at him and they got in a fight. So he came to Hooters.
"Will they please shut the fuck up?"
Stu picked up his iPod to turn on some music to drown out whatever those douchebags were yelling about. But he forgot about the sauce on his hand. His iPod got sauce all over it.
"Damn it!" Stu said to himself.
His waiter, Mr. Ed, appeared.
"How is the meal today sir?" Mr. Ed asked. Stu wasn't sure first of all why a fucking horse was a waiter, why it could talk, and why it didn't have boobs. This was Hooters after all.
"Pretty bad dude," said Stu. "There's too much sauce and those idiots up front won't shut up. Actually I hate to ask this but can I talk to your manager?"
Mr. Ed was inwardly pissed as fuck but remained calm. "OK fine." He walked back to the office.
Meanwhile, AC Slater had attempted to throw more knives and other kitchen shit at Bilbo and Gandalf but they had deflected them all with a chi field. They were still powering up, and preparing a blast. Gandalf had trained Bilbo how to do magic blasts and chi. Slater was taunting them.
"Look at these little idiots. Look at that fat ass Bilbo who stole my girl. Little dilholes crouching like pansies. Get up you little butts fight like a real man. This is getting stupid as fuck. You are both stupider then a bag of bricks." But you could tell Slater was worried.
Gandalf winked at Bilbo. "Let's send his ass to hell," Gandalf said.
"This is for Harry!" Bilbo screamed.
They fired a chi blast toward AC Slater.
Mr. Ed trotted back to Stu Pickles' table. "I'm sorry, our manager is currently on the phone. Is there something I can help you with?"
Stu was tired of this shit. His hands had gotten stickier and stickier and he couldn't pick up anything. There was just too much damn sauce on these wings.
"You can help by giving me a refund this Hooters is fucking terrible mate," Stu sternly answered. "And as a waiter, well, I've had better son."
Mr. Ed got even more pissed by this arrogant little shit.
"Fine," he answered, raging inside.
Just then, Bilbo and Gandalf's blast shot Slater all the way across the Hooters.
"What in the FUCKING HELL?" Stu Pickles screeched. "Waiter! Waiter! What is this shit you call yourself a waiter! I'm not tipping for this shitty Hooters!"
Mr. Ed kicked Stu's head off.
Pandemonium struck inside the Hooters of Hobbit Town. The few remaining customers panicked and ran out. Mr. Ed was eating Stu Pickles's wings with his decapitated body still sitting in the seat. AC Slater was down but not out, as Bilbo and Gandalf charged toward him for a finishing blow. Harry Potter lay dead on the floor.
Then, finally, the door to the manager's office swung open.
"B-boss!" exclaimed Mr. Ed.
"Oh God, I'm sorry, I…wait, what!?" a confused AC Slater cried.
"But…what…how…is…I…" Bilbo stammered.
"What in the fuck." Even the white wizard was perplexed.
Harry Potter stepped out of the manager's office.
"That's right," he said, menacingly. "That's right all you idiots. Every last one of you has been a cancer on my life. I was just fine in England with the Dursleys until all of you had to whisk me away to Hobbit Town. Bilbo you ruined my life you butthole!"
Everyone was stunned.
"And I built this entire Hooters by hand just so you all would get here and fight. I hired Slater straight out of Bayside High because I know you stole his girl so long ago. He had major beef with you. And you two chumps would fight when my stunt double got killed. HA HA HA HA HA. WHO IS PLAYED NOW SLATER, YOU STUPID LITTLE TURD!?"
"What about me?" asked Mr. Ed.
"You are a poor employee and bad server dumbass," said Harry Potter.
"AND NOW FOR THE GRAND FINALE. I'M GOING TO TAKE A DUMB ALL OVER THIS HOOTERS AND HOBBIT TOWN AND THE SHIRE."
Harry Potter pulled out his sleeping bag. It had a nuclear bomb inside. The bomb started ticking.
"Run you fools!" Gandalf screamed.
"THIS IS MY FINAL DUMP!" Harry yelled.
But before the nuclear bomb could finish counting down and explode, the ghost of Stu Pickles flew down from heaven.
"Not today, chum," he said. He shot a heavenly bolt out of his finger and the bomb vanished in a little poof.
Hooters was closed for bad sanitation grade and Harry Potter incarcerated. All the hobbits with big boobs started working at Thee Dollhouse of Hobbit Town. Gandalf visited every week and never forgot his adventure with Mr. Ed.