that which was never mine (which has always been only yours)
summary: post s1. a few months after jane reveals the truth, she's back working with the team, on very strict terms. her relationship with kurt strained at best.
Dr. Borden was the first one to leave, followed closely by Patterson and then Zapata. Reade, however, stayed behind. The meeting had been top secret. Only the five people in the room knew of anything that was going on. Kurt looked up, seeing Reade still standing there. He raised an eyebrow at him.
"Can I have a word?" Kurt asked his new boss of six months.
"Of course," Kurt said, gesturing for him to have a seat.
"Do you think that's the right thing to do?" Reade asked.
Kurt was silent for a moment. They had just spent the last two hours discussing how this option, while. It the wisest, was their only option they had at the moment. "We are out of more… logical solutions at the moment, Reade. You know that," Kurt said.
"I do," the younger agent replied, "but I just… Will feel better if we run this over one last time. Humor me, sir," he said with a smile.
"Ok, let's go over the facts, shall we? She's not a prisoner anymore, so we can't keep her locked up in here. And still, she's still under surveillance and under our protection, so we can't have her go get her own place," Kurt stated the facts to a nodding Reade, "she got attacked in the first safe house we put her in. The decoy safe house we set up got blown up. Literally, they blew it up. Whoever did this to her is still after her, and at this point, they don't care. They just want to eliminate her."
Reade listened as Kurt explained the situation he already knew perfectly well and nodded. "We haven't been able to secure her safety so far and the office is obviously… we obviously have people here working for this Shepherd guy. We don't know who we can trust at this point, except the five people who I just told the plan to."
"You're right. About everything," Reade said, and then stood up abruptly. He reached towards his belt and pulled off his badge and placed it on the desk. "As an agent I agree with everything you e said. But… may I speak to you now as a friend? Not as an agent, or a subordinate… Not even as your sister's boyfriend. But as your friend?"
Kurt nodded and watched as Reade sat back down. "It's been a crazy couple of months, huh?" he asked rhetorically to which Kurt only sighed. "Things are finally falling back into place… sort of. But I mean, the team is finally back together, Jane is finally back on the team, and we're doing some really good work once again."
"Yes, we are," Kurt agreed.
"Things are back to how they're supposed to be… but not completely…" Reade said.
"What are you getting at, Reade?" Kurt asked.
"You two… You and Jane are finally civil around each other. Do you think the right call is to have her stay with you?" Reade asked, "and I'm asking as your friend. As someone who saw what you went through this whole time. Do you think that's the smartest thing to do?"
"It's the only way to keep her safe," Kurt explained, "as far as everyone here know, she's staying at the NYO, in holding… we can't risk another -"
"That's not what I'm talking about, Kurt, and you know it. Everyone knows how you two feel… or at least felt about each other," he said ignoring Kurt's look, "do you think you'll be ok with you two living under the same roof? Just the two of you?"
Kurt was silent for a long moment and then he shook his head, letting out a strangled huff, he said, "I'm pretty sure I won't. But I need to keep her safe. Do you understand that? I need to. And if this is what has to be done… then it's what I will have to do.
"You'll be putting your life at risk, too. If they find out -"
"Isn't that part of the job description?" Kurt laughed and Reade nodded.
Reade got up again, grabbing his badge off the table, he said, "she'll be ok," he clipped his badge back onto his belt, "and so will you, sir," he added with a friendly nod and left the assistant director's office.
The plan was simple. As far as everyone was concerned, Jane Doe was being kept under protective custody at the NYO until she was to be placed in a new safe house. In reality, she only spent an hour or so there, until Kurt snuck her out, with the help of the team, and together they went to his place. The car ride was silent, as was the case every time those two spent time alone. She didn't even question the decision that had been made regarding her new living arrangements.
They walked quietly into the empty apartment, the apartment that had grown eerily quiet since Sarah and Sawyer moved out a few months earlier. He led her towards Sarah's old room and turned on the lights. "Is this ok?" he asked and she nodded. Anything was an upgrade from where she'd gotten used to recently.
He pointed towards the dresser and closet. "You can keep your stuff in here if you want," he said and she gave him a weak smile. "I don't really have much of anything," she admitted and he apologized, for a moment forgetting she had lost what little possessions she had during the arrest, and what little less she had since in the explosion.
"If you want, we can arrange for you, Zapata and Patterson to go out some time during the week to…" he trailed off and she nodded again, whispering a small thank you.
He found a few of the belongings Sarah had yet to pick up and set her up in a t-shirt and pair of pajama bottoms. They didn't speak much. he asked her if she was hungry but she politely declined, choosing to go straight to bed. He stayed up a little longer, wondering how even though there was now another person in the house with him, it still felt so lonely.
The next morning was almost as awkward. The plan called for them to be back at he office extremely early to maintain the cover. So they had to be up by 4am. She took a quick shower, using whatever Sarah had left behind and got dressed. She found him at the kitchen counter, with his laptop and his coffee.
"Morning," she said and was greeted by a quick smile before he reached for a mug and poured her some coffee.
"There's bread, peanut butter…" He said, turning to open the fridge and check what else they had before she answered, "just the coffee is ok," she said, thanking him as he passed her the mug and she sat across from him. She watched him work at his laptop, only occasionally looking up at her, his gaze averting hers as soon as he made eye contact. It had to be exhausting. She stared at the coffee in her hands and asked, "now what?"
He looked up at her then and then at his phone, "we should leave in about fifteen minutes to make it-"
"No, I mean what now… what are we going to do with… me?" she asked with a slight chuckle.
He looked at her properly then, closing his laptop and moving it to the side, and it seemed like he was looking at her, really looking at her for the first time in a very long time. "Now, we find the people who did this to you, find the people who are coming after you, and we take them down."
"But… they have people at the FBI… if they find out we're going after them…" she argued but he shook his head.
"This won't be on the record. At the office, we go about business as usual. You're there because you've been reinstated as a consultant, under probation, with regards to the tattoos," he explained, "but off the record, the team is working on this. Patterson's set up her lab at her apartment, something sophisticated they cannot trace, and we'll be working everything outside the office."
And the first day back went just as he had explained. They worked a small tattoo case, something that required little to no field work, and at around 11pm, when almost everyone was out of the office, Kurt snuck Jane out.
"Are you sure this is a smart idea?" she asked as they drove back to his place. His place. It was still his place. Just another place she was being stored at for the time being.
"What?"
"Having me stay at your apartment? Considering what they did to the last place… it's too dangerous," she said.
"It's the only way to… it's a risk I'm willing to take," he said with a heavy sigh and he could see the disapproving look on her face without even turning to look at her.
"That's just ridiculous," she huffed, "putting your life in danger to -"
"To keep you safe!" he said, his tone rising against his better judgement, "what's ridiculous about that? What's so ridiculous about wanting to keep the people I ca-… the people I'm responsible for safe?"
By the end of the first week, they had found their rhythm. And it had become slightly less awkward, but still mostly about work. They spent their evenings eating take out dinner (because they had almost no time to cook considering they spent five or six hours tops at the apartment) and working. It was amazing how much information they had collected in just one week.
It was still not home to her, but somewhere in the next week, it was starting to feel a bit more welcoming. She had managed to fill a couple of drawers with things she could call her own, and the shelf in the bathroom now held products that smelled like her. And even though he never left her alone in the apartment, he had somehow found time to go shopping and fill the fridge with some of her favorites. And when she woke up one morning and smelled her favorite coffee brewing, realizing he'd exchanged his usual for her favorite, she couldn't help but smile.
It was a Friday evening and they were pouring over something Patterson had dug up earlier. She was on the couch and he was pacing the whole apartment on the phone with Reade, coordinating their work. the phone call had gone longer than he'd expected and when he came back, she had fallen asleep on the couch. He watched her of a moment, how she seemed smaller, almost vulnerable as she slept. He whispered her name, nudged her shoulder gently, but she was fast asleep. So he carefully pulled her feel from under her and lay her down more comfortably on the couch. He grabbed a blanket and covered her and then went on to put away all their work. He turned off the lights and went to bed himself.
When she woke up the next morning, it was close to 8am, and it was the longest she had slept in months. It took her a moment to figure out where she was, but then, when she did, something else took her attention. the smell of something delicious coming from the kitchen. She got up, rubbing her eyes and found him, with his back turned to her at the stove.
"What's going on?" she asked sleepily and he jumped back slightly. He turned to face her, a small smile on his lips, awkward, but a smile none the less, and he said, "I figured we could use a home cooked meal. Eating out of cardboard containers for so long isn't that good for you," he turned just long enough to flip the pancake, "and you haven't had a proper meal in so long, I just thought…"
"Thank you," she said, "thank you… for everything, Kurt."
A few days later, working late again, she fell asleep on the couch, again. That time, he told himself he would wake her up, and make sure she went to bed. He told himself that he would do it just as he finished reading that one file. but before he knew it, his 4am alarm went off and he woke up on the couch himself. And she was there too, sprawled on top him. Her head was resting against his chest, her body on top of his, and his arm wrapped tightly around her waist. He tried to move from under her, to move her off of him without waking her up, wanting nothing more than to get out of this awkward situation without making it more so.
No, actually what he wanted more than anything was to stay there, right there, with her on top of, their bodies melting into one, his arms around her, and her heart beating steadily against his chest. But he would never admit that, not out loud and not to himself.
But there no getting out of that situation without waking her up. And they spent the rest of the day awkwardly avoiding each other, mumbling apologies whenever they crossed paths. But that evening, they had the longest conversation they had had that wasn't about work.
She walked out of the shower to find something on her dresser. Something she recognized very well. Something she never thought she'd see again. Emma Shaw's necklace. She didn't know what it meant, and she didn't know how she was supposed to feel about it. She decided to do what she knew best. To confront him about it. o she went straight to his bedroom, a place she had not ventured into the whole time she had been staying with him, and found him sitting on his bed, fresh out of the shower himself.
"What is this?" she asked bluntly.
"That's -"
"I can't take this. It's not mine. It's not right," she said, not giving him a chance to really explain.
"It is yours, Jane," he said calmly, "I gave it to you."
"You only gave it to me because you thought I was her," she argued, "And I am not her. This isn't right," she said, holding the necklace out towards him.
"What was not right was taking it away from you," he replied, refusing to take it from her.
"No, no. You had every right. It belongs to her, not to me," she said.
"Technically, it belonged to me, I bought it," he said, "and I gave it to you."
"Because you thought I was her!"
"I gave it to you, Jane. It belongs to you. I had no right taking it away from you, keeping it away," he said thinking off all the times he noticed how her fingers would go to her neck, trying to clutch the ghost of what had been there.
"Kurt… I can't take it, please," she pleaded, and he sighed.
"Jane, please," he urged her, moving close to her, "I have been carrying this in my pocket for months," he said, "I wanted to bury it with her… with Taylor," he swallowed hard as he said her name, "but I couldn't. I just couldn't. I thought when I looked at it that I would see Taylor's face… her eyes… or that I would see Emma wearing it… but I didn't," he reached between them, closing her hand around the necklace and wrapping his hand around hers, "I saw you. Emma Shaw may not have bought this for you, but it's your now. Her daughter is gone, she never got to see her again," he swallowed back the tears as he spoke and she watched him closely, speechless. "But you were also someone's daughter at some point. Just like Emma, your mother lost her child. She could still be out there, looking for you, praying that you're safe… Emma never gave up hope for Taylor, and maybe your own mother hasn't given up hope on you either… o please, keep the necklace."
She was quiet for a long moment, silently watching the way their hands were clasped around the necklace.
"Have you?" she finally asked.
"Have I what?"
"Given up on me?" she said, given up on us, she wanted to really ask but could not find the courage to do so.
"No," he whispered, "I'd like to think that I haven't."
And with that he let go of her hand and walked out of the room. She let him go, held the necklace close to her chest and smiled. It wasn't everything, but for now, it was just enough.