SexyBack
A/N: Is it wrong that I actually like this song? Anyway, I own nothing. This fic is definitely going to contain yaoi. Man-on-man. Don't like, don't read. I don't own "Sexy Back" or FMA. Please note that I took out a few lyrics. I still don't own it.
Rating: R—it earns it.
Genre(s): Parody (I don't think there's anything else here.)
Original Characters: None
Out of Characterness: I try to keep them in character! I really do!
Pairing: ArcKim (LOLWHUT?! Since when do I ever let Archer seme
Enjoy.
-+-
I'm bringing sexy back
"Lieutenant Colonel, don't you think you've spent enough time in front of the mirror?"
Zolf J. Kimbley glanced up from the mirror, golden eyes meeting his superior's icy blue ones. "Good morning, Colonel." Of course he was mocking Archer's use of ranking. After all, Kimbley was above the rules, and they both knew it.
"Are you done with the mirror yet?" Archer asked instead, quirking an eyebrow and ignoring Kimbley's obvious sarcasm.
"Well of course not! I have to be the sexiest man out there!" Kimbley flipped his long hair over one shoulder and ran a comb through his spiky bangs again.
Archer just mumbled something that sounded vaguely like "mullet".
Them other boys don't know how to act
"What did you say?"
"Nothing, Kimbley. Hurry up, we'll be late."
Kimbley snorted and rolled his eyes. Late? How could they be late? The train wasn't leaving without them! After all, wasn't Archer in charge of this whole Liore campaign? Well, Kimbley didn't care. He had other things to worry about. "And you're sure I'll get to make my fireworks?"
"Yes, yes." Archer waved a hand airily, finally snatching the mirror from Kimbley grip and setting it down, proceeding to pull the alchemist from the room by his ponytail. "I said we're going to be late. So stop worrying about your appearance!"
"Ow ow owww!" Kimbley yelped, managing to tug his hair from Archer's death-grip and glaring. "You spend as much time with that mirror as I do!"
"No I don't. You were staring at your reflection for a solid ten minutes without doing anything."
"Can I help it that I'm just that sexy?"
I think you're special what's behind your back
"You're just annoying, Kimbley." Archer snorted, straightening his collar as the two walked out into the crowded train station. It was rather obvious where the military was—the blue uniforms were a big clue.
Kimbley of course paced behind Archer, golden eyes trailed on the other man's ass, or at least what was visible of it due to the waist coat. Which he honestly thought was the worst fashion statement ever. And they were so useless in fighting! He'd tripped over his several times during Ishbal. But he hadn't been as graceful then as he was now. "Where are we goin' again?"
"Liore. I've told you that ten times at least." Archer stated, turning to glance at the alchemist, and quirking an eyebrow. "Excuse you."
"Can't help it—you've got a nice ass!"
So turn around and I'll pick up the slack.
"Well stop looking." Archer didn't seem at all unnerved by Kimbley's gaze, and in fact, he was grinning when he turned back around. It was more than a little entertaining for his subordinate to be so fascinated with him.
Kimbley snorted and followed Archer closely, slipping into their private compartment. "Private, eh? I assume you have something planned?"
Archer just smirked.
Dirty babe
"I figured we should have some… fun." Archer's smirk didn't falter for a minute as he shut the compartment door, pausing to remove his jacket and waist coat. He gestured for Kimbley to do the same, and once the alchemist had he claimed the alchemist's lips in a rough kiss, serving only as a distraction to steal the other's silver pocket watch.
"Hey…!" Kimbley was more upset over being deprived of the physical comfort he so desired. "Don't start what you can't finish!"
"Who said I was finished?"
You see these shackles
With that, Archer pulled the chain out to it's full length and wrapped it around Kimbley's wrists with a good deal left over, tying that to the overhanging luggage compartment.
"Wh-what…?" Kimbley glanced up, pulling on it. The chain wasn't sturdy enough and he could probably snap it or blow it up if he wanted to. But he got the feeling that he wasn't going to.
"Now say it." Archer purred, sliding his hand up under Kimbley's thin shirt and lightly trailing his lips over the other's prominent jawbone.
"Say what?" Kimbley squirmed a little, but it was more or less because the blood was going to run out of his arms. He hated that feeling.
"You're mine."
Baby I'm your slave
"I'm all yours." Kimbley grinned lightly as the Colonel brought his lips back up to Kimbley's. "All yours."
"Good." Archer smirked, trailing his hands down to undo Kimbley's pants, earning a hiss of relief from the other. "And you only belong to me."
"Only you." It was rather ironic, he'd gone from a greedy Homunculus to a greedy superior officer. Well, either way he got sex!
"But we aren't going to do that just yet." Archer laughed, moving his hands back up to play across Kimbley's chest.
"Fucking tease!"
I'll let you whip me if I misbehave
"Now, now, Kimbley, you shouldn't disobey me." Archer shook his head lightly, walking away from the other and digging through a small suitcase. "You could be court marshaled for that."
Kimbley squirmed a little, trying to get his arms into a more comfortable position without breaking the chain. "Yeah, yeah, I know."
Crack!
"OWW!! WHAT THE FUCK?!" Kimbley yelped, shoulders hunching inward and body trying to curl itself up around the growing bruise underneath his shirt.
Archer stepped back, stretching the short leather whip experimentally. "I told you not to disobey."
It's just that no one makes me feel this way
"F-fuck! You didn't have to whip me!" Kimbley winced, but realized that it wasn't that painful.
"You just overreact, Kimbley. You'll be fine in a moment." Archer set the whip down on a nearby chair and moved back over to his willing captive, taking those lips again. "You're all mine, and you're only mine."
"Or punishment will be worse, right?" Kimbley grumbled, but didn't hesitate to take his lips. Come here girl Go ahead, be gone with it
"Correct." Archer returned his hands to Kimbley's waist and finished shoving down the alchemist's pants and boxers. "That's better, isn't it?"
Kimbley growled at the other's condescending tone, but he was right, it did feel better. Kimbley wasn't a masochist by any means, but being tied up and used like a dirty slut, well it was a major turn on. Then again, what didn't get him off after seven years in jail? Oh yes, sex had hurt with Greed. But Archer was human, Archer couldn't shield his cock and—
"Are you even listening, Lieutenant?"
Crack!
Come to the back Go ahead, be gone with it
"Ow! Oww! Fuck! I'm listening!!" Kimbley yelped, attempting to avoid the whip again. "Just stop hitting me!"
Archer smirked and dropped the whip, followed by dropping to his knees below Kimbley. He smirked up at the alchemist's confused expression. "What, don't tell me that monster never sucked you off…?"
Kimbley grinned lightly at that. "Go ahead, sir. Make me yours."
"You already are." Archer retorted and pushed Kimbley's legs farther apart, stroking the other man a few times before taking him down his throat.
VIP Go ahead, be gone with it
Kimbley groaned, wanting to urge Archer on but already beyond words. He hadn't actually fucked anyone since before his imprisonment, and this… Well, this was as close as he could get with Archer, he already knew that. The man had an inhumane power lust. Which was fine, Kimbley was into inhumane things anyway. "M-more…"
Archer smirked, tempted to let go just to say that there wasn't much more left to take. But he figured he might as well please his subordinate. After all, he did reward all of his subordinates. Just usually not like this. After all, Kimbley was special. Archer continued the sucking and bobbing motion, reaching up to fondle Kimbley's balls and smirking widely as the other groaned.
Drinks on me Go ahead, be gone with it
And then as suddenly as it had started, Archer let go and was standing back upright, wiping the back of his hand across his mouth.
"F-fuck! Finish it!!" Kimbley yelped, squirming harder against the pocket watch's chain. "You aren't going to fucking leave me like this are you?!"
"No, no, I just wanted to get you interested." Archer smirked and returned to the suitcase, pulling out a small bottle of lubricant.
"No need for that." Kimbley snorted. Hell, Greed hadn't used lubricant and Kimbley was able to take all that.
Archer just gave a condescending laugh. "I think you will need it." Which made Kimbley grin, an echo of Archer's own smile. "You're going to enjoy this."
"I always do."
Let me see what you're working with Go ahead, be gone with it
Archer slipped down his pants and boxers, not bothering with removing his button-up pristine white shirt. He didn't use much lubricant, but coated himself down and gripped Kimbley's hips firmly.
"Standing?" Not that Kimbley had a problem with that, he was rather used to it this way. So he kicked his legs up and wrapped them around Archer's back, positioning himself over the other. In all honesty, Archer wasn't that impressive. Then again, when you're getting fucked by an inhumane shield, nothing human can impress you anymore.
"Ready?"
"Go."
Look at those hips
Go ahead, be gone with it
Archer kept a firm grip on Kimbley's hips and brought the alchemist down hard over his erection, hissing in a quick breath before starting up a fast-paced yet regular rhythm.
Kimbley moaned and wrenched his hands free from the watch's chain, clenching them in the shoulders of Archer's shirt, attempting to muffle his moans somewhat. Though if anyone caught them, no one would be surprised. "F-fuck…"
You make me smile Go ahead, be gone with it
"I-I didn't th-think you were into such k-kinky s-sex." Archer growled, nudging Kimbley's head aside and attacking the other's neck with tongue and teeth.
"Mmn…" Kimbley groaned softly, tilting his head away and allowing Archer more room. "F-fuck off." But he was smiling broadly. Hearing the hitches and stutters in Archer's voice made him more human. And Kimbley had come to crave humanity.
Go ahead child Go ahead, be gone with it
Kimbley's arms were sore, his legs were aching, and he felt like he was going to cum already, whereas Archer didn't even look winded yet. He grumbled something rather inappropriate and slammed down to meet Archer's next thrust, moaning at the increased friction between the two of them.
Archer just laughed.
And get your sexy on Go ahead, be gone with it Get your sexy on
"F-fuck! I'm gonna--!" Kimbley didn't get a chance to finish as he felt that searing white light burst behind his eyes, closing them and moaning loudly into Archer's shirt as he came hard across the both of them, panting and still somehow or other meeting Archer's thrusts.
Archer's grip tightened around Kimbley's waist as he too came, eyes rolling back and near falling over from exhaustion. Somehow or other he managed to deposit Kimbley in a chair and fell beside the alchemist, panting. "This… is going to be… a damn good war."
"You've got more lubricant, right?"
-+-I'm bringing sexy back
Kimbley stalked around the military headquarters, scaring Cadets and on the search for a certain Roy Mustang. Why? Well that was rather obvious! He wanted to see that fear splay across Roy's face as he walked by. He'd never seen anyone so afraid of him. Even the Ishballan darkies had the nerve to try to stand up to him. Roy just melted.
Perhaps that was why Archer was so much more appealing.
Them motherfuckers don't know how to act
"S-sir! You're not allowed out yet! You're supposed to be dead!"
"Fuck off." Kimbley snapped at the Cadet, seizing his uniform front and shoving him out the door as well. And then a really annoying and familiar feminine voice reached his ears.
"KIMBLEY!!"
"Hey…"
Come let me make up for the things you lack
"Fuck, that hurt."
"Shut up, Kimbley. I told you not to go wandering around."
"So? The Elrics already knew I was alive!"
"It's not them I'm worried about."
Kimbley shifted a little on the table and squirmed as Archer rubbed more of the healing salve on his bleeding forehead. "Ow! Hey! That hurts!!"
"It's good for you!" Archer snapped, hitting Kimbley over the head with the bottle and continuing to bandage him up. "You have to go out to Liore and stir up a riot. I'm not letting you go out there looking like a battered wreck. Besides, it's rather pathetic you lost to a fourteen year old boy."
"HEY!!"
Cause your burning up I gotta get it fast
"So… I've got to go in there, start up a riot, and then get out? That all?" Kimbley was seated up on the table again, though his wounds had healed. A week would do amazing things. That, and the fake stone's radiation probably had something to do with it.
"Yes, that's correct." Archer nodded slightly, handing Kimbley back his pocket watch, loaded with little fake stones. "Be careful with that. Only for emergencies."
"Yeah, yeah, I know."
I'm bringing sexy back
"And don't die on me."
"Aww, goin' soft, Archer?"
"Fuck off." The Colonel snapped, glaring over at the alchemist, positioned by the door. "I need you in order to advance through the rankings. Other than that, I don't care about you."
"Sure you don't." Kimbley laughed, turning and flipping his hair over his shoulder. "You love a sexy piece of ass like mine!"
"Get going!!"
Them other boys watch while I attack
Boom.
"Heh heh…" These Liore citizens just weren't putting up as much of a fight as the Ishballans had. Maybe they were scared of the chimeras? Yes, that was probably it…
"You, alchemist!"
Kimbley turned at the strangely familiar voice. He never forgot a face or a voice. And after a few moments of contemplation, he remembered. "Oh… It's you! The man I wanted to blow apart piece by piece!" A broad grin spread across his face as the other approached, destroying all Tucker's chimeras. "This time… I'll finish you!" He clapped his hands together and pressed them to the ground, sending a ripple of alchemic energy through the earth.
Boom.
If that's your girl you better watch your back
"Heh…"
But the man burst through the smoke, alchemy-powered right arm aiming for Kimbley. But the alchemist was faster, ducking and dodging it, all while retaining that strange sleekness that just screamed his name.
"Oh come on, you have to do better than that! Do you really want to kill me like that?" He laughed and dashed off, knowing better than to goad him too much. After all, what would Archer do without him?
Cause she'll burn it up for me and that's a fact
He slipped into one of the deserted buildings, glancing around warily. Kimbley wasn't nervous—death didn't mean anything to him. But he knew to be cautious. After all, Archer needed him. And he had a feeling the other would do something stupid if Kimbley got himself killed.
Boom.
That wasn't Kimbley's alchemy, and he dodged away from the shattering of the wall and glass, managing to get back out of the breaking building, staring at the other man. "You're pretty powerful, Scar. But the thing is, you just can't beat me!" He laughed, idly twirling the golden ring set around his finger, fake stone set in it. "You just can't win!" He fisted his hand and sent another blast of alchemic power over at the scarred man.
Get your sexy on
"After all, how can you expect to beat someone as damn sexy as me?"
You ready?