Hangin' by a Thread

by danceremmax3

one-shot songfic: Caitlyn's parents died, and ever since then she hasn't been the same. Naitlyn

So for some reason I'm into writing depressing stuff lately. Once again, I own nothing.

I'm just warning everyone that this story contains cutting.

Song used: Hangin' by a Thread by Jann Arden

Camp Rock. The one place I always used to think I'd never have to have to pretend. The one place that I thought I could always be her true self. Yeah, well now all I can do is hide.

When I cry, I close my eyes
And every tear falls down inside
And I pray with all my might
that I will find my heart in someone's arms
When I cry, cry

Six months ago is when it happened. The day that changed my life. I was driving home with her parents from a Connect 3 concert. They knew I was close to the band and they wanted to meet them. That's just how my parents were. Anyway, it was raining really hard, and as we turned the corner to our road, a huge tractor trailer slammed into our small Lexus.

Two hours later, I woke up in a hospital bed surrounded by my friends. Mitchie, who was clinging to Shane for dear life, Jason, who had his arms around both Ella and Peggy, and Nate, sitting beside me holding my hand. Being the person I am, blushed and pulled my hand away and giggled. No one else laughed with me. Everyone's faces were solemn, and Mitchie's stained with tears, my face fell; and I knew what was going on.

"Caity…" Nate said in a quiet voice.

"No." I whimpered, tears falling freely from my eyes. Mitchie reached out and tried to grab my hands, but I whipped them away.

"NO. NO. THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!" Mitchie backed away and back into Shane's arms.

"Cait, it's going to be okay. We're all here for you. Especially me." He reached out and grabbed my hand, and I leaped out of my bed and into his arms. I felt a shooting pain through my right leg and realized it was broken. I didn't care right now though.

Nate asked for a few minutes alone with me, and they hesitantly complied. Besides Mitchie, Nate is one of my best friends, and he explained that he just needed to talk to me for a few. I just sat there, on his lap, bawling my eyes out and clinging to him. He stroked my hair.

"Cait, I know. I know what you're going through." I remember that Nate's dad died in a motorcycle accident a year ago.

"Nate, why them? I was in the crash too. I should be dead instead of them. It's my fault…" I looked at him, and his eyes were sincere. He grabbed my face with his hands.

"Caity, no. Stop blaming yourself. It's not your fault. It's the jackass' who ran the red light. Not yours and not your parents'. I will not let you believe this is your fault." I just looked at him and gently nodded my head.

When I cry
When I am sad I think of every awful thing I ever did
Oh When I cry, there is no love,
No there is nothing that can comfort me enough
When I cry,
Cry, cry

I'm not the same person that I was before the accident. I wear long sleeves all year round to hide the cuts that cover my arms. I never wear makeup, and the curls that used to be bouncy and full are now just kind of hanging 

there. The friends I had at home don't hang out with me anymore because I never want to do anything. They kind of just stopped trying. I don't blame them. It's not their fault. It's mine.

I've been doing a lot of that lately, too. Blaming myself, that is. I feel like everything is my fault. I really don't know why, but I just find ways to make myself think that I'm not living up to what my parents would want me to be. I feel like I'm failing them. I guess that's why I feel the need to cut. It just…takes all the pain away. It makes me forget, and that's all I want to do.

Nate doesn't know. I never let him see. He stayed at my house with me until I moved in with my aunts, and I always wore sweatshirts or long sleeve tees. He doesn't need to worry about me anymore than he already does.

The salt inside my body ruins everyone I come close to
My hands are barely holding up my head
I am so tired of looking at my feet
Or all the secrets that I keep

My heart is barely hangin' by a thread
Hangin' by a thread

I guess that's where we get to where I am now. Seated by the lake, armed with my laptop, I sit and watch Mitchie and Shane on one of their famous canoe rides. As much as I love them, they're perfect relationship is slightly annoying. They're totally lost in each other whenever they're together. I hear that happens with true love. With Mitch and Shane, a monkey could notice that they're head over heels in love. I can't help but be jealous. Not of them but of what they have.

I pick myself off the ground and walk off towards the cabin I share with Mitchie and Lola. I walk up the front steps of the porch and swing open the door, letting it slam behind me. I walk to my bed and pick up the picture of my parents. They were so perfect. Together and separately. They met here, actually, when they were 15. My Mom always said it was love at first sight. My mom was here for singing and dancing, and my dad was here for guitar and song writing. Now that I think about it, it sounds exactly like Mitchie and Shane.

I feel tears pricking my eyes from reminiscing and I get up and walk to the bathroom, letting the tears spill out of my eyes.

Oh look at me
At all I've done
I've lost so many things that I so dearly love
I lost my soul
I lost my pride
Oh I lost any hope of having a sweet life
So I cry,
Cry, cry

I take off my long sleeve shirt and throw it in the corner. I look in the mirror at my reflection. The tank top I'm wearing is black. Just black. Something the old Caitlyn would never wear. But the old Caitlyn died with her parents. I rummage through my stuff to find what I'm looking for: a Swiss Army Knife. I pop the blade out and place it on my arm. Just as I was about to puncture the skin, I heard a voice.

"CAITY!"

Oh the salt inside my body ruins everyone I come close to
My hands are barely holding up my head
Oh I'm so tired of looking at my feet
And all the secrets that I keep
My heart is barely hangin' by a thread
Hangin' by a thread



I whip around, dropping the blade in the process, and lock into a gaze with the most amazing brown eyes she'd ever known. Nate.

"Caitlyn, what are doing?!" He grabs my arms and looks at them, and I swear I can see his eyes well up in tears at the sight of my arms completely engulfed in cuts. He picks up the knife and throws it across the room, making sure I can't get to it.

"Nate, it helps me forget. It makes it all go away. It reminds me that before they died, someone loved me." He eyes flashed to my face, watching the tears fall once again.

"Damn it Caitlyn, I love you!" He practically screamed out. His hands switch from my arms to my hands and drag me in the direction of my bed. He sits, pulling me with him.

"Cait, seeing you the way you are lately kills me as much as it kills you. How could you do this to yourself? When you fell apart that night, I wanted to do anything to make the pain go away for you. I understand what you're going through Caity, but this is not going to help. I promise you. Why did you hide this from me for so long?" His eyes are filled with sincerity. I sighed.

"I started the day after the funeral, when I realized that they were really gone. I couldn't tell you. I didn't want you to worry about me anymore that you already do. I want to stop, I just feel like such a disappointment to my parents. Nate, they're all I had." My eyes switch nervously, avoiding his gaze.

"Caitlyn, you should've told me. You shouldn't have done this to yourself. And Cait, you have me. You'll always have me, whichever way you want. Boyfriend or best friend. As long as I'm in your life that's all I need. But I need you to stop this." He looks down and runs his hands softly over the cuts. I flinch, and he runs his hand up my arm to cup my face.

"Please. For yourself. For your parents. For me. Just thinking that you could do this to yourself…Cait, you don't even realize how amazing you are. You're talented, breathtakingly beautiful, and an incredible person." His gaze is strong and intent, making sure that I can't look away.

"Thank you. I will Nate, I promise. I'm so sorry." I fall into his arms and hold on tightly, realizing that he's not lying; that he'll always be there.

"It's alright. I wish I had realized sooner. I never should've let this happen. I promised your parents, you, and myself that I'd take care of you." He pulls my face up, making me look at him.

"Nate, you are. You're the best best friend I could ever ask for." His face falls for a second, but then goes back to staring into my eyes. I take a deep, shaky breath.

"But I don't want you to be my best friend anymore." He looks confused and hurt. I continue.

"I want you as my boyfriend. I want to be able to say that I'm yours, and I want to be able to express the fact that I'm completely in love with you and kiss you and hold your hand whenever I want, and I want to be the only one able to do that." I start shaking, a nervous habit that I've developed when I was a kid.

"You don't even know how long I've waited for you to say that." His lips crush into mine, and my hands travel to the back of his neck. His hands grip the small on my back and deepens the kiss, and I hungrily run my tongue along his lips, begging for entrance, he complies, and after a few minutes we both feel the need to come up for air.

"Caitlyn Marie Geller, I love you more than anything on this planet." My fingers intertwine with his.

"Nathaniel Nicholas Black, I feel exactly the same. Now kiss me." His lips crush onto mine once again, and I experience a feeling in the bottom on my stomach. Love.

"Cait, I promise to always protect you. You'll always be safe." I smile.

"And Nate, I promise to stop all this," Pointing to my arms. "I have a reason to keep living my life now."

I miss you all
I wish I was with you now
I wish I was

Depressing, huh? I had a friend who went through the same thing, so it's familiar territory. Review please!