Full of Grace
Summary: Post "Drowning on Dry Land"; Derek contemplates his feelings for Meredith. One-Shot
A/N: This is my first GA fanfiction, so please be kind. I'm also not a doctor which means most of the medical things mentioned in this are fake. Lyrics are by Sarah McLachlan. At any rate…
I feel just like I'm sinking,
and I claw for solid ground.
I'm pulled down by the undertow,
I never thought I could feel so low,
and, oh, darkness, I feel like letting go.
"And just for the record, I am your knight is shining whatever…"
When he had given her that witty reply earlier that morning, Derek Shepherd half believed what he was saying. Yet, here he was, sitting on the floor of the hospital he had spent most of his time in the past year, at a loss for words and feeling helpless.
They had kicked him out, the chief and his other colleagues, and he had done nothing to object. He simply mumbled a few no coherent words and gently caressed her hair before leaving the room.
It was unlike him to simply give up like that, and it made him shake down to his core. His body heaved and tears streamed down his face as he slumped against the wall. There was so much he could do for her, yet any ounce of strength and confidence in himself had been diminished at the sight of seeing the woman he loved on the table.
Is that what love had done to him? Made him crumble under the wreckage that was his life?
It was the warm touch of someone's hand on his shoulder that shook him out of his thoughts. She sat silently beside him for a moment before mustering the last bit of courage she had within her. They had once spoken so easily, and now Addison Montgomery had to force herself to speak to the man she had once loved, "She gave us a scare, Derek. We almost lost her." Tears began to stream down her face, and she paused for a moment to gain her composure, "Burke and Bailey are taking her to the ICU now. They said you can go up and see her once…once she gets settled in."
Derek was quiet trying to understand what she was saying. He gave Addison a nod. Pursing his lips, he questioned, "Is there brain damage?"
"We won't know until she wakes up."
"If she wakes up," He corrected.
Addison wrapped an arm around his shoulder and pulled him close to her, "Don't say that. Meredith's a fighter." She paused before adding, "You found a good one."
"Oh, Addie. You know as well as I do the likelihood of…" His voice drifted off and he closed his eyes in thought, "I better go see her. I don't want her to be alone." He stood up and left Addison to sort out her own thoughts.
"She's going to be fine," She called out to his retreating figure not sure if she was trying to convince him or herself of it.
-
"How's her temp?" Derek questioned a nurse who was administering another round of warm saline. He glanced down at Meredith's chart before looking up to the woman expectantly.
"It's better than it was." She replied snapping off her gloves, "It's at 93 now. I think the chart said it was somewhere around 88 twenty minutes ago." Giving Derek a slight smile, she added, "Things are looking up, doctor."
Derek nodded as he put the chart back in its place, "Can you give me a moment?" He asked as he rounded the bed to sit down next to Meredith.
The ICU nurse nodded before adding, "The doctor should be around to check on her in about fifteen minutes. Page me if you need anything."
Derek's attention had already been redirected to Meredith, who except for the rise and fall of her chest resembled a corpse. Her skin was cold and had lost its color. Derek closed his eyes and tried to picture her, but the beeping of the heart monitor served as a constant reminder of where he was- in a hospital ICU room. The pressure to keep his emotions contained became unbearable, and he began to sob. At first he was quiet, but as more thoughts flooded his mind the tears came faster.
He couldn't do it without her, any of it. She was his life, and it made him sick to think of the fact that he might lose her. For months he had denied his love for her, trying to do what he felt was morally right, but as soon as he had come to terms with the fact, the world spun madly on.
Stopping and finding self-control was out of the question, and when the doctor came in to check on Meredith, he continued to sob.
Their love life had been the tragic fairytale of the hospital. Doctors and nurses constantly talked about them, and now as he sat helplessly at her beside, everyone couldn't help but feel sorry for him.
He wasn't the conniving "Mcbastard" he was believed to be when he left Meredith for his wife. Derek Shepherd was human, and like every human he had a crisis of conscience he had to deal with. He had emotions and an undeniable love for a woman that he couldn't have without leaving his wife. That he couldn't have, period. He had broken her, and now it seemed as if she had broken him.
He had given her all of him, and that was what caused him to fell so vulnerable.
"Meredith…" He mumbled, "Please… Please, don't do this to me."
As he pleaded with her, a feeling of security washed over him and he couldn't help but feel as if everything was going to be alright. Perhaps, the constant beeping of the heart monitor wasn't a reminder of where they were but of the fact that she was still alive.
Maybe Addison was right. His Meredith was a fighter.
If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place.
I know I can love you much better than this:
Full of grace, Full of grace, my love.
(Full of Grace- Sarah McLachlan)
A/N: I know I didn't tell you what happened to Meredith, and I did that purposely. I wanted to show Derek's growth, and I felt Meredith waking up would take away from that. In my mind, Meredith does wake up, but it's up to you. Anyway… Like it? Hate it?