Disclaimer: The characters in this fic are mostly from the Bible and do not belong to me.
The True Account of Events in the Book of Tobit
Sypnosis: The whole truth and nothing but the truth, AKA what the Bible doesn't want you to know--- i.e. What Archangel Raphael, Tobias, Sarah, the mysterious fish and a bunch of thankfully unmentioned people were really up to...
Dedicated to my friends BAD and Cockatrice. This was written many years ago, when I was obsessed with Wodehouse. Hope fans of Wodehouse-que humor might find this enjoyable! I will upload the rest as soon as I finish formatting them.
Tobias's Diary (1)
Dear Diary,
Today is another one of those days that exists so that you can tick it off the calendar with a huge sigh of relief--- that's not to say it's dull, mind you. On the contrary, I'd much prefer a day that I can safely forget about in my old age. Yet this is one of those days that gets imprinted on your memory so firmly that, if I ever dreamt about it in the future, I'm sure I would leap out of my sheets with a blood-curdling yell. Note to self: if I ever had the guts to go on a journey again, I would have the prudence to hire a guide who could, above all, cook decently, and have normal conversations, regardless of how many times he says he has been to my cousin's house. This specimen Azarias, whom we virtually picked up at the front door, claims to be a practitioner of medical science. Whenever he's not staring at the road ahead, he's entertaining me with tales of the good times he had in my cousin Raguel's house, which, by the way, mainly involved issuing death certificates for some young men who got killed by a demon. Most disturbing, that.
Apart from the usual ghastly anecdotes Azarias told me jovially, one excitement of the day happened in a good way: while I was splashing around in the River Tigris, a sizable fish tried to amputate me, probably having mistaken my foot for a can of worms. It was no match for a man who could eat anything at the moment: I disemboweled it and in no time at all it was roasting on top of a jolly fire under my companion's disapproving gaze. I secretly uttered a prayer to Heaven for delivering me from the usual bill-of-fare prepared by my companion, who insists that the brown yuk he makes is practically bouncing with nutrients and can keep me sprightly till I'm two hundred. I agree with him most heartily on that point: by Jehovah, a spoonful of that stuff can give an Egyptian Mummy a nasty jolt! I just haven't the heart to refuse it every meal because Azarias looks so sincere about it. After ten days of this medication, even Raguel's house, in the middle of nowhere and a lot of corpses, seems to beckon like the Garden of Eden.
Anyway, after I have soaked up the fish like manna from Heaven and packed away some of the entrails (my companion had let me save some to feed my dog Toby in the future), the really frightful ordeal of the evening began. Although Father said a fellow has got to go through some ordeals in his life, an ordeal of this magnitude, I reckon, ought to be spread out over fifty years:
"Tobias, do you remember Sarah, Raguel's daughter?"
"I jolly well do! She's the corpse-factory you keep telling me about, isn't she?"
"Nonsense! How many times do I have to tell you, that a demon's behind all this? Anyway, she is beautiful and wise. You might like to marry her."
"Not if I want a wife who'll stick with me till I die."
"Actually, it is imperative that you marry her. If you do, her father will give you half of his property, which your family will very well benefit from."
"Does the fact that he's giving so much to get Sarah off his hands suggest anything to you? I wouldn't touch it with a ten-foot pole."
"I'm afraid you'll have to--- according to the Law of Moses, she's your rightful inheritance, and failure to marry her is punishable by death!"
"Wha?" I spent a few minutes goggling, having choked on a fish bone I was sucking on.
"Relax!" Said Azarias smoothly. "I've got it all planned out for you. As soon as we arrived at Raguel's house, I'll tackle Raguel and everything will be off like a shot. By no means worry about the demon, Tobias. I have confidence that I can deal with it. The Lord will watch over your family, Tobias!"
"I don't think I can deal with it! Besides, I don't want to marry yet."
"That inconvenience can be easily overlooked." Said my guide with a careless wave. "We'll reach the house by nightfall, so try to get prepared and look your best. Put a spring into your step, and do stop mumbling under your breath, will you?"
You see, my guide has this way of talking matter-of-fact-ly that somehow reduces a fellow to numb acceptance while he's shoved into the soup. I just couldn't help envying snails as I crawled towards that building in the distance that spells my demise. To anyone who's reading this, if I have passed away to the world beyond, you'd know whom to blame, wouldn't you?
Archangel Raphael's quest log (1)
Today is certainly not a good day to start undertaking a serious mission! Deceptively, things have been going in the most invigorating way in the morning, with only one slight dissatisfaction: well, I'm afraid I have rather lost track of Tobias's diet. He caught a thing in the river and started smearing his face with it as if it's ambrosia, that I just didn't have the heart to tell him how those burnt bits oxidize his insides, and so on. As soon as he seemed to be in a jovial mood after lunch, I popped him the death-sentence. The effect was better that what I had expected. He merely jumped a foot or so, protested weakly, then took it like a sport. Things were definitely looking up when I drifted into Raguel's place, with Tobias trailing behind like a wreckage.
As far as I'm concerned, my first job is to get Tobias married to Sarah. The demon Asmodeus should be easily taken care of, since he owed me a favor and now is a good time to remind him of the fact. I greeted Raguel, Sarah's father.
"Hello, Brother Raguel!"
"You've come at the right time, Azarias! We'll be needing your services shortly. Fancy having dinner with us?"
"Make that for two extra. Look who I've brought with me!" I moved aside and revealed Exhibit A, who made a pathetic moan behind me. Even brooding King Saul would have looked like a jolly bean next to Tobias.
"Wait a moment, he strikes me as bearing an extraordinary resemblance to someone I know! Are you the son of Timothy, step-brother of my second cousin, who has just started out as a blacksmith?" Said the relative, hovering over Tobias like a vulture.
"No." Croaked Tobias.
"Well then you must be the son of Augustus the son-in-law of my godfather! How's the camel trade going on, old chap?" Raguel made another spirited attempt. Rumplestiltskin would have been impressed.
"No."
"Surely you're not the son of Tobit? I heard there's some trouble in the family, what with the wife stole an ox or something." Meditated Raguel.
"It's not an ox! It's just a lamb, mind you---" Babbled Tobias.
It's high time to get things back on schedule. "I'm afraid you must have made a mistake, sir!" I gave a polite cough. "The whole thing is one of those ridiculous misunderstandings. By the way, this is Tobias son of Tobit your relative."
I had expected them to slap each other on the back and have a good laugh about the matter, but Raguel continued to ogle at Tobias as if he's something the burglar left behind, while Tobias had gone splat on the ground like quivering jelly.
"Are you sure its not an ox? I heard---" Repeated the man obstinately. Very offensive, that. I gave a forced laugh.
"Can't you talk about anything else? It's a bloody mistake, good heavens---" Fortunately, the matter was temporarily dropped as the assemblage of cutlery is detected.
"Dinner!" Exclaimed Tobias hoarsely, and stumbled towards the table like a dying man.
"Well, well!" Puffed the old egg, glancing at Tobias's back with an expression I was not too optimistic about. Even angels know when not to push things so far, so I bided my time.
Thankfully, atmosphere improved greatly over the course of dinner. Raguel's wife, Edna, had greatly taken with Tobias. The sight of Tobias wolfing up her slops had, I suppose, greatly raised her esteem of him. As for Sarah, she kept to herself, looking so sad that any man's heart would have ached for her, although it was rather hard to tell with Tobias as his heart was not on the subject of chivalry at the moment.
Raguel had become almost congenial, so I decided to raise the matter. "Brother Raguel," I began. "I would like to discuss with you a matter of the utmost importance. You see, your cousin Tobias wishes to marry your daughter---"
"What?" Interrupted Raguel. The man had turned absolutely livid in half a second, a most astonishing reaction time. It was almost fascinating, like some fast-forward scene of tomato ripening.
I hated to be interrupted. "Tobias is a most honorable and industrious fellow, pious in the way of God---"
"His family can scarcely support itself!" Roared Raguel.
"Shame on you, sir, to be thinking of such base things!" I reprimanded. "After all, the Law of Moses---"
"Well, Moses would jolly well marry his daughter to someone with a viable means of living!" Replied Raguel in a satisfied way. I had to admit that this momentarily stumped me. I glanced at Tobias for support, but the spineless pig just sat there with a faint smile, as if he was watching a distant road play or something. It was at this highly vulnerable moment when Raguel's daughter, Sarah, snipped the life-line:
"Father?" She said, a trival frostily. "Can you stop talking about marriage? I'm not getting engaged again any time soon, if you remember."
"Remember what?" Repeated Raguel.
"I'm going to get married tonight, have you forgotten?" She continued. We archangels have seen plenty of things that would curdle mortal blood, but somehow, the voice of this female filled me with stronger stuff.
"Oh, that slipped my mind momentarily, I'm sorry." Admitted Raguel, turning back to me with a dusk-red face. "Sarah is scheduled for marriage tonight with a chap called--- er---"
"Nathaniel." Said Sarah helpfully.
"Precisely! I'll forget my own head next!" Chimed the accursed man. "Came yesterday--- most promising lad, an architect or something, if I remember correctly. Claims to have the ability to drive away demons, too. In short, very promising, but we'll find out after the trial sleeping tonight, which is why you must stay around to help me fill in this death-certificate, just in case."
"!" Said Tobias. It seemed as if a ray of light had dawned in his horizon, and sunk again.
"You'll meet him pretty soon," Continued Raguel, as if trying to understand why I was still standing there like a stunned fence. The truth was, there were times when my supernatural sense told me to wait for the death-blow. "Nathaniel is a vegetarian and can't abide the sight of meat, so he has gone roaming outside to arrange his own needs. He'll be back at around--- well, speak of the devil, here he is!"
That was just the line I wanted to say myself, because at that moment, I came face to face with Satan, The Adversary.
To be continued…