Hi people! I am so, so, so, so, SO sorry that haven't updated anything in a month or two!! I have major writer's block and I can't seem to write ANYTHING! Well…I hope everyone likes this and reviews it…giving me encouragement to write…thanks!
Disclaimer: Teen Titans are not mine…that was so clever. ;)
Dedications: Ma soeur, Sizzlin'-Starry-Night-sky. She has helped me get through almost everything while I was trying to write this. Thank You so much.
ITALICS are Robin's thoughts, BOLD ITALICS are the song lyrics and the BOLD are flashbacks.
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It's Been A While
It's been a while since I could
Hold my head up high
How could I be so stupid? I had never felt so alive six years ago. Six years ago, I had everything I could wish for. I had great friends, I had a life anyone would kill for, and…I had her. My Star.
I never wanted to drift apart from my friends, they understood me; something I longed for. But…after what I did…what I caused…it all changed. And I left it all because I thought it was for the best, I thought that it would make everything better. Turns out, I didn't know what was best for the team's future…or myself.
So…why was I the leader again?
And
it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
God, I can remember the first time I saw Starfire. Starfire…was my best friend. I don't think I could have stayed with the Teen Titans for as long as I did without her. She was so caring, understanding, funny, terribly naïve, smart, and incredibly beautiful. She…was the one I wanted to spend my life with; I decided this six years ago, and I never stopped believing that.
When she first came to Earth, I was fighting some thief in the alley way, finally free from Batman. Then, an electric green comet shot across the sky. I was immediately curious, so I quickly tied up the criminal and rushed to where the electric green explosion occurred.
She descended into the pavement creating a crater in the street. Her hair was a deep crimson, her eyes were glowing, literally. But the color of her eyes was an exquisite emerald color, and I have never seen other eyes that could compare to hers.
She was wearing the strangest clothes, she had what looked like silver armor on her skin, mid-thigh boots, a short skirt and a top that come up to mid-chest. But after some readjusting and color changes, her outfit looked…normal. At least, to everyone else she looked normal. To me…she looked beautiful.
That day was when I also met Cyborg, Beast Boy and Raven…and that was when we first fought together as a team…not just five heroes.
So, six years ago, I lost everything. Six years ago, I'd lost those memories. Six years ago, I lost my friends. Six years ago, I lost her completely.
It's
been a while
Since I could stand
on my own two feet again
Six years ago, I was able to do anything. I'm still able to fight crimes with Bruce, but there is no thrill and sense of adventure soaring through my veins anymore. When I fight, I feel as if it's as simple as breathing. Is that what fighting is all about now? Simply breathing?
Six years ago, fighting villains was about trust, and feeling good after you fought them. I don't mean feel good as in your body isn't bruised or cut or scraped, I mean…you get this feeling deep within your soul that's way better than butterflies. It's like this cold, yet warm feeling that basically lifts your spirits and it gives you the confidence boost that you need. And I don't remember a time where I never felt so alive when I was fighting crimes with my friends.
And
it's been a while
Since I could call you
Why was I so stupid back then? The day I left, the very day I left her, I told her that I loved her; that I couldn't bear the thought of living with out her AND I LEFT! I poured my heart out to her while Bruce's car was expecting me. One last kiss…and I broke away; to leave the team. I dated her for at least a month, and I finally said that I loved her as I was leaving. And I wouldn't be surprised if she never wanted to speak to me again.
I would never see her again, never hear her, never hold her. I would not see her blush, hear her heartbeat, see that flash of intuition in her eyes. And worst of all, I would not be able to kiss her, to catch her when she fell, to feel her soft, warm touch ever again.
And
everything I can remember
As fucked up as it all may
seem
Consequences that I've rendered
Have stretched myself
beyond my means
I know that the team wasn't to blame; I would have liked to think so, but I'm not that hopeful anymore.
"Robin?" Starfire's voice called from his doorway. He didn't turn around.
She raised an eyebrow at him…and his room. Drawers were opened and bare, his closet only had some boots and uniforms in it, and there was uniforms and weapons on his bed.
"What are you doing?" She asked walking into his room, followed by the fellow titans.
Robin stopped packing for a minute and stared at his suitcase. "I could just leave tomorrow…but then I wouldn't be able to leave…but I know I'm going to regret it later…" he thought to himself.
He exhaled and continued to pack again, "I have to leave."
Cyborg crossed his arms and smiled. "Where 'you goin' this time? To train with the true master in Hong Kong?" he asked sarcastically.
"No…" Robin placed his uniforms in the suitcase and then walking past the titans to get into his closet, "We need to start our lives, right? And this is my starting point."
"You're leaving?" Beast Boy asked loudly, his arms in the air.
Robin nodded and walked back to his bed and began to put his belongings into the almost full suitcase.
"But…you can't," Cyborg stated, completely dumbfounded, "we need ya man."
Raven's eyes were wide, and she was shaking her head softly.
"Robin…you can't just leave…I mean- Johnny Rancid is still on the loose, Red X is still missing-,"
"I just…need to leave…" he placed his bird-a-rangs in his suitcase and walked past them to get his masks.
Starfire didn't say a word. Her lips were in a tight line, tears were threatening to fall from her eyes. She looked like she was barely breathing…or moving for that matter. She was completely frozen in front of him.
"…I really think it's for the best you guys," Robin said solemnly and put his last mask in his suitcase and zippered it shut.
"But…dude…," Beast Boy said quietly, "…I have no where else to go." Beast Boy sat down on Robin's bed.
Raven nodded slightly and crossed her arms, "I'm not sure what I'm going to do without you guys…" She said, "…we all need each other, in one way or another."
"Yeah, and if you leave…what are we going to do?" Cyborg added, "I mean…we've known each other for more than four years…and we're still teens. Beast Boy is turning fifteen soon, Raven just turned sixteen, Starfire's almost sixteen as well, you're eighteenth birthday isn't for another month and a half…and I'm nineteen! We still need each other!"
"I know…" Robin said, "…and that means we have to start now before we give up on ourselves…and I found a way."
He
faced the titans, who still looked shocked, hurt, and confused.
"I will miss all of you," he said as he placed down his suitcase and gave a quick hug to both Cyborg and Beast Boy, not lingering longer than three seconds and reluctantly they returned the hug back.
He moved to Raven, and she practically jumped on him. He held her tightly, and she pulled away, a single tear falling from her dark eyes.
"We'll miss you too," She said calmly, wiping her eyes. He nodded and he walked to Starfire and stood in front of her.
His face was hesitant and his mouth was open, trying to say something, but nothing came out. He had to say something; ANYTHING that would make her stop crying.
His hand reached shakily toward her face to wipe the tears from her eyes. His hand lightly touched her cheek, holding it gently.
"I-," he said hesitantly, "-am so sorry," he said quickly and practically ran out of his bedroom, taking everything with him.
Starfire let a tear fall from her eyes. "Wait!" she cried as she ran after him. She harbored no happiness within her self to force herself to fly.
"Robin! PLEASE!" Starfire cried. She ran up to him while he placed his suitcase in the trunk of the car.
"Starfire don't-," he tried to say, but she wrapped her arms around his waist tightly and quickly, her head resting on his chest.
He hesitantly wrapped his arms around her and he let his chin relax on her shoulder. He closed his eyes tightly and held her closer.
"I really am sorry," he said finally, "I didn't want to leave like this."
"Then don't," she sobbed as she lifted her lead so that they were looking at each other, "You can stay! It doesn't have to be like this."
"It's not that simple Star," he cast his eyes away from hers.
"Robin," She broke away from him slightly, "Why does this have to be all or nothing?"
"Starfire-,"
"Robin! You are choosing to leave us and you do not wish to tell us why. There has to be some reason why you are truly leaving because it is not like you to-,"
Starfire was cut off by Robin's lips crashing down to hers. He cupped her face as she placed her hand on the back of his head, the other resting on his chest.
As she parted her lips to deepen the kiss, he pulled away from her and took her hands in his.
"Starfire…" He whispered, closing his eyes for a moment beneath his mask.
She let another tear fall down her face, "…yes?" She whispered back.
His eyes cast upon her face before he took an deep breath.
"I love you," he breathed as he looked down at the ground, "You…mean everything to me. I never…want anything to happen to you. You are… the best thing that's ever happened to me… and I do not want you to change at all."
She shut her tightly and cried once more. This time it was for happiness, not sadness.
She smiled lightly as she cupped his face to pull him into another kiss. Unlike the numerous amount of kisses they've shared, this was entirely different.
He put his hand on the small of her back and the nape of her neck, drawing her closer to him. Her hands clung to his shoulders, not releasing her grip no matter where his lips traveled.
He gave her one last kiss on the lips before curling his arms around her waist, and hugged her securely while he whispered in her ear.
"I have to leave," he whispered.
"No."
"I will always love you, Star," he released her waist and held her face in his hands, "I will be back…I promise."
He bent to kiss her forehead, his hands soft on her face.
His lips touched her forehead, lingering there for a while until he looked into her eyes and released her face.
"I'll see you," He said finally as he walked over to the car and shuffled inside.
"Robin………"
It's
been a while
Since I could say
that I wasn't addicted
It's
been a while
Since I could say
I loved myself as well and...
I let the love of my life slip through my fingers. And it doesn't even matter now; she could be married for all I know. How could I do that to her? It was not fair to her and it wasn't fair to me. All I knew was me leaving made happy, but I was also fairly certain that I ripped her heart to shreds.
It's
been a while
Since I've gone and fucked things up
Just like I
always do
I completely fucked everything. Nothing is the same anymore. I hate feeling like this, completely useless and know that I can't do anything anymore. And the insane pressure to feel…normal, and not bear the weight of my mask. So…every glass of alcohol and every bottle of beer helped me shadow everything I've done…drowned everything up as I wanted to drown myself in every glass of alcohol.
It's
been a while
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with
you.
Everything is fading away. It's like a someone pressed the fast forward button on my life and I can not grasp anything or remember anything. I keep walking down the street, girls screaming my name, holding up the magazines...I hate the paparazzi. I guess I deserve to see what I've become, but I wonder…if she sees it too.
Every girl, every…slut I've been with, it makes me feel worse and worse. I remember one night, this one girl asked me if I missed anyone. I almost hesitated to answer.
I was going to say yes…but I said No. I lied. I lied to that girl (what ever her name was), I lied to myself; and that's one of my best talents to date.
And, the worst part is…I enjoy it way more than I should…
And
everything I can remember
As fucked up as it all may
seem
Consequences that I've rendered
Gone and fucked things up
again... again
It's more of a wondering thing, actually. I feel like sometimes I know she sees the magazines…and I feel like I want to do these things purposely…so that she sees me…even though I can't see her. A possibility that maybe there's a chance, if she's still on earth that is, that she sees these magazines and knows what I've become.
And
a possibility that maybe there's a chance…that she knows I need
her still.
Why
must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more
peaceful day
But then I go an fuck things up again
I
want to go back. I need to go back. I need to tell them that I was
being selfish and rude and that I didn't know what was best. That's
why I left, not because I needed a way out; I knew I couldn't lead
them any longer. I left Batman to be solo in the first place! But, I
realized when the five of us met, I needed to be apart of a team. SO
WHY DID I LEAVE!? God! I can never think of a reason anymore!It's
been a while
Since I could...
Look at myself straight
I crave to hear her say my name with the tenderness I never allowed myself to feel. I need her back. There's no question in my mind saying that I can find someone else-she's the only one.
I used to ignore Bruce's rants and lectures about me drinking at every bar in Gotham, saying that it was a pathetic excuse to think about her; but I know that he's 100 correct…and I'm a pathetic coward. Why couldn't I have thought of a reason before leaving? Why couldn't I take her with me? Why couldn't I still keep in touch with them? I owed them that much, didn't I?
It's
been a while
Since I said I'm sorry
I keep walking by this one pay phone on my way home from work, and I always grimace. I get home at 5:00…not to late to call, and not too early either…I almost picked up the phone once, but I knew I didn't want to. I don't deserve to talk to them.
But I want them to know desperately that I am sorry and that I don't like myself anymore because of it.
It's
been a while
Since I've seen the way
the candles light your
face
It's been a while
But I can still
remember just the way
you taste
I can remember everything about her. She had everything any model would trade for. I can remember her perfect figure, her angled cheekbones, her soft lips, her fiery and long hair, and, of course, her eyes.
Her eyes were wide, and intensely bright with three beautiful shades of green, framed with elegantly long black lashes. I could lose myself in them…and I wish I could right now instead of drowning myself in alcohol.
We had such great times together…and I hate whenever I go drinking to forget about her, I remember her even more!
I get these constant memories about her…and for a minute, I feel like my bones turned into sponges and I feel dizzy and lightheaded. Then, the next minute, I feel horrible and weak because I know I can't see her and that makes me want to drink even more. God, and there's this one memory that absolutely kills me…
"So…what do you want to do?" Robin asked.
Starfire tapped her chin with her pointer finger, indicating that she was thinking.
"Well, I know that Raven is at her favorite depressing café and Beast Boy and Cyborg are at the newly created Mega Monkey's Game Arcade in town, so we have the tower to ourselves."
Robin smiled as he caressed his hand on her jaw-stroking it gently, "I think we can find something to do," he said cheekily. Starfire giggled as she raised her head a small amount to kiss him fully.
They both closed their eyes as she placed her hands gingerly on Robin's shoulders while he placed his hand behind her head and shifted his body so he was facing her. Keeping their lips together, Robin's shoulders to his chest as he fiddled with her neck brace of her uniform with his other Starfire timidly traced her hands from hand; something he was accustomed to doing on a daily basis.
He broke away gently from the kiss as he placed his lips onto her neck softly. She giggled as his lips explored over the length of her neck, kissing every inch of her skin that was once covered by her neck brace. He placed a light kiss on her pulse point, causing her to moan lightly.
He smiled as he parted and began to trail kisses along her jaw-line down to the curve of her neck. She was gasping for desperately needed air and trembling beneath him. Her head didn't seem to be able to create coherent thoughts as his hands trailed across her body in a sexy way, yet not too inappropriately.
Though his hands were gloved, the warmth radiated through them, sending a fiery trail wherever he placed his hands. He practically had her body memorized, knowing exactly where she liked to be touched…or kissed.
They both desperately tried to get on top of each other, causing them to fall off the sofa. Starfire soon was on top of him, his hands at her waist and hers along his neck. She moaned once more and broke away from his lips to try to speak to him.
"I am certain"-kiss-"there is something"-kiss-"we could"-kiss-"do while"-kiss"-"the other's"-kiss-"aren't"-kiss-"here." She spoke quietly.
He chuckled as she kissed him again while he gracefully lifted her in his arms while she wrapped her legs around his waist as he walked with her safely in his arms, still keeping their lips in contact. They walked unsteadily up the steps, Robin not minding to stop and press her against a wall to kiss her. Soon, after some falling in the numerous hallways, Robin easily opened his bedroom door and walked over to the bed, falling lightly onto the bed with Starfire beneath him.
Robin placed his hands just below her chest; her arms instinctively curled her arms around his shoulders, letting her hand rest lightly on the nape of his neck. He broke this kiss and rested his elbow beside her on the bed. He smiled and she returned it back, her eyes gleaming with happiness.
Everything
I can remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be,
I know
it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he
could for me
I can't blame anything on anyone except myself. Bruce has being trying to help me, except when he shoves the magazine articles that have my face plastered on them in my face and yelling at me about them, he has been supportive…in his own way.
It's
been a while
Since I could...
Hold my head up high
It's been
a while
Since I said I'm sorry
That is my favorite memory…and now, just thinking about it,…I'm in desperate need for a drink.
"I'm going out," Robin hollered as he grabbed his coat of the coat hanger in the foyer.
Bruce didn't look up from his newspaper he was reading in the living room.
"Try not to screw someone else, would you?" He asked casually, still reading.
"I can't promise anything," Robin answered and she shut the door, not bothering to grab his car keys.
--
He walked down the street quietly, his eyes glancing around watching the people walk on the sidewalk. Suddenly. A couple walked briskly passed him, giggling and giving each other pointless kisses on each other's cheeks.
He groaned inwardly; he was always envious when he saw people like that…he wished she was in his arms and he wished that he could give her a kiss on a cheek whenever he felt like it.
He adjusted his mask and continued his way down the street, feeling numb from his moment of jealously. No thoughts were passing through his mind while he walked now, he was numb, completely numb. But not for long. He tried to hold onto the numbness, but it was washed away by pain as he thought of another memory.
"I guess I was wrong before," Robin muttered softly as turned to her, his eyes almost blinded by the rain that the Tokyo skies hailed that night.
She placed a strand of hair behind her ear and answered, "You do?"
He looked at her face, completely nervous, "…Maybe…a hero isn't all that I am..." He looked away for a brief moment, "…Maybe I can be…maybe we can be-,"
"Robin?" She interrupted, still looking at him.
"Starfire?" He whispered back.
Then, her eyes suddenly brightened with happiness, and a small smile graced her lips, "Stop talking."
They leaned toward each other and they brought their lips together. This kiss was deep and full of longing. And they have been a couple ever since…
Robin ran his fingers through his hair and let an frustrated huff escape his lips. He needed her…but he didn't have the slightest clue on where she was.
He stopped at the bar and scanned the building. He had never been here before…but why not try it.
He walked to the door and pushed it open, revealing a fairly huge room. It was dimly lit from the lamps hanging over the tables and chairs, the lights hanging over the pool tables, and the bar was lighted from the two TV's on the ceiling corners. There were three pool tables lining the north wall and the right wall from where he was standing, and there were about seven tables with four chairs encircling the table.
He let out a sigh and walked to the bar that was on the left wall. He sat down quietly in the bar stool and waited for a bartender to take his order.
A bartender came up to him from behind the bar and stopped herself from screaming with joy. The gorgeous, insanely hot, and extremely sexy Robin, ex-titan, is here! She fluffed her dirty blonde hair and lightly tugged on her black tang-top, making it reveal more of her skin.
"What can I-I get you?" She asked sweetly.
He fiddled with a small menu booklet next to the napkin holder on the bar table. He didn't care what the hell he ordered…he just needed something.
"Gin and Tonic," he said, glancing at her once and then looked down again. (A/N: I DON'T DRINK!! I just remember hearing it once.)
She nodded very quickly and quickly got the two bottles of alcohol and poured equal amounts into an ice filled glass. After placing a lime on the rim of the glass, she shakily handed it to him, smiling way too much to be natural.
"Here!" She said and looked at him, "Is there anything else I could get you?" She implied.
He chuckled and shook his head. "I'll let you know," he said as he took a small sip from his drink.
She giggled and backed away from him, only to walk into a fellow co-worker. The blonde didn't even recognize that she had made the other worker drop a glass and alcohol bottle she was carrying.
The worker shook her head and bent down to pick up the pieces of glass and wipe up the spilled booze.
"That stupid chlorbag…," she muttered as she was cleaning.
Robin's eyes widened and almost spat out his drink on the counter.
"Star…?"
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Well?? Did you like it? Next Chapter will be up…soon…
AND! Poison from the Shadows WILL be updated very shortly.
Thanks for reading and review please!!
XOXO
xStarfirexRobinxo