The pit in my stomach grew, a numbness that felt like a mountain bearing down on me. It had been years since we had last seen each other. No longer was I a naive eleven year old forced to study for a scholarship. Four years had changed me; how much had he changed?
Doubt grew strong with step I took in the town. Would he remember me the way I remember his light breaths following laughter, the way his eyes light up in the sunlight reflected in the stream of the cave, the way his voice was layered with dust and stone and hills.
The pounding of drums filled my ears, echoing my footsteps soft dun dun dun on the cobblestone. Sunlight had long since said its final goodbye over the horizon, the moon giving just enough light to pierce the darkness.
I remembered the last time I was in the hills, the days spent going trap to trap with him. The spiders and lizards we would watch, catch. The cries of birds as they flew from one end of the earth to the other. The home we made our own, too lost in our world to acknowledge the others.
A shadow shifted in the fog. I stepped away from my family. The shadow moved again.
Lili.
He had changed, but I recognized him; the shape of his jaw, the rise and fall of his chest, the way his head turned ever so slightly, the shifting of his legs when he stood still for too long. I could recognize him no matter how much he changed. I could recognize him in death and in another life. He turned to me, the movement so familiar. My heart soared.
"Lili," I breathed out, breath fogging out in a cloud from my mouth.
He couldn't hear. He wasn't meant to. It was for me, for me to experience the familiar vowels falling from my lips. It told me this was real.
"Lili!" I was louder this time, loud enough to be heard. He turned to fully face me and I was able to glimpse a smile on his face, hidden in the nighttime fog. "Were you waiting for me?" I asked, voice lighter with happiness.
He shrugged. "I was waiting for the old man, but he's not here." He was lying. I always knew when he was lying since he looked away. Lili never looked away from me, not for long.
I stepped closer, close enough to see the dewdrops on his eyelashes, the small clouds of mist falling from his barely open lips. He blinked and dewdrop fell, tracing its way down his face the way paint traces its way down an artist's brush.
I longed to throw myself to him, wrap him into a hug the way I had in dreams, and I could see in his ever bright eyes that he wanted to as well. The calls of my family stopped us and I swallowed heavily, staring into Lili's eyes a moment longer before looking away.
"Merry Christmas Lili."
"Merry Christmas Marcel."
I moved to join my family again and continue the walk to our lovely country house, but paused for a moment. "Meet me tomorrow?"
He grinned. "Like I would stay away."
Sure enough he was waiting for my the next day, standing outside the country house. The sun made him glow as though he were a god; perhaps he was, for he always gave me a forever every
day we spent together.
"Come on," he said turning to go, "We have to check the traps." He began to walk away, stopping when he saw I didn't move. He stepped closer, but I still made no move. "Marcel." His voice was soft. I looked away from him with my heart pounding, stuck between believing it was both a dream and reality.
Lili grabbed my hand suddenly and gently pulled me along. "Come on," he repeated with a teasing grin on his face, "Have you forgotten how to walk?"
His playful teasing brought a smile to me face. "Shut up. Lets go to the traps." Lili's grin matched mine, glowing with the forgotten light of our childhood.
We walked along the hills still hand in hand, under the warm winter sun and the clouds and cries of the birds.
"I'm glad you're back," Lili said, breaking the silence that had fallen over us like a wool blanket on a snowy Christmas eve. I only smiled and gripped his hand tighter.
The air between us seemed to change but I didn't particularly mind, stepping over stones and kicking up dirt as we went to each trap on the hills. Casual conversation picked up between us but it was steady or long lasting, filtering through time like leaves at the very end of autumn. For a while, it bothered me, but I said nothing about it, grateful to be talking to him at all.
The sun was nearing the horizon when we reached the cave we had spent our younger years in. We sat down besides the two gallon spring and let the sound of water running over stone drown out everything else.
He handed me a fake cigar a few moments after we sat besides our small creek. He lit his first so I could touch the tip of mine and light it, rather than bother with the lighter again. My heart always jumped when I was so close to his face. I could only stare into Lili's eyes, glowing bright like stars sent from the heavens. When my fake cigar was lit, I lingered for a few moments to commit every line of his face to memory.
We leaned back away from each other, but still close enough to bump shoulders with each other. It was like when we first met: fake cigars and comfortable silence. Those were still present, but something else had joined our moments together and I didn't know if I liked it or hated it.
I took a drag. "Lili?"
I saw him look to me from the corner of my eye. "Yes?"
"Do you still have the clothes I gave you the first time we met?"
He let out a breath and I watched his words slip out of his mouth and around the fake cigar. "Of course I do. It keeps a part of you with me," he answered casually.
I leaned closer to him, pressing our arms together. He was warm, so warm it seemed like he took all the sunlight of the hills to become a sun. Lili moved his pinky to make it cross over mine, like we were making a promise that would be remember even in death.
"Marcel," he said, voice heavy with smoke, the sound sending a chill up my spine. He lowered the fake cigar and laid it down on ths stone. I followed in suit.
"Yes?" I waited for him to speak.
"You love this place, right?"
"Yes, I love it very much."
"Did you miss the hills more or the life on the hills?"
"I missed you the most."
Lili's surprised eyes snapped to mine, shining and soft and warm like everything good in the world. He stared at me and I couldn't look away, a strange jumpy feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I didn't pull away when he surged forwards and closed the small space between us, capturing my lips with his. The world stopped and all things ceased to be. Only we were in the universe, focused on each other.
My surprise faded as he began to move back, a gap of space appearing between our mouths. I could feel his heartbeat, fast and uneven and just like mine, when I closed the space again. I never wanted the feeling of being whole to fade away.
Like me, Lili didn't respond immediately, but he overcame his shock faster than I had and moved against me. All I knew was the softness, the roughness, the gentleness, the bliss in his lips. He lifted a hand and trailed his fingers lightly over my cheek, tracing the line of my jaw with feather light touches.
When we pulled broke the kiss for air we stayed with our faces close together, breaths mixing in the small space between us.
"Marcel," he said.
"Lili," I said, and that was all that was needed: the feeling of the other's name falling from our lips how we fell for each other. The atmosphere between us cleared. I knew what the foreign feeling was and the joy it filled my heart with.
Lili pulled away more and looked at the sky, red coloring both our cheeks. The sun was beginning to slip beneath the horizon and sent a kaleidoscope of colors across the sky.
"You'll have to go soon," he stated. I don't want you to ever leave was left unsaid between his words, but I understood. I always did.
"It's alright," I breathed out, "We have the rest of our lives together."
"And I would rather spend every moment with you than alone."
"Then you will." We stood and began walking away from the fake cigars that had burned themselves out. We didn't know what to do next now that we knew there was something between us that bond our hearts together. But I knew we would figure it out together like we always did.
I gazed softly at the back of his head as Lili lead me back to the country house. I reached for his hand, lacing my fingers between his. He squeezed my hand and held it tightly and my heart grew lighter than the dewdrops on his eyelashes on that foggy night.