I don't own Batman or Superman, or any characters relevant to them.
Lex Luthor knew who he was. He was mankind's protector against the alien menace known as Superman. The unappreciated hero who fights a loved villain. A mortal who stands up against an all powerful god. He was the only one who saw the true evil that lurked in the monster, and he knew that he must do everything he can to prove to the world that Superman was the villain he knew he was.
So how the hell did he end up sitting across a table to the Joker?
"Hey, why so grim Lexi?" the clown asked as he took a large gulp of the wine in his hand.
"It's Lex." the businessman responded simply. "And I want to know why you have kidnapped me Joker."
"Well I'm here to celebrate your birthday buddy. What other reason would there be?" Joker responded. Grinning madly to show his now red stained teeth, before looking around. "Now where is our food? We've been here for ages for crying out loud!"
"Unless I am mistaken, we've only been here for six minutes."
"And we're the only ones here. I'm defiantly going to give this place a one star review."
"Now what do you mean you kidnaped me because it was my birthday?" Lex questioned, trying to figure out what the criminal's plans were. While Lex knew that the psychopath acted like a fool, underneath all that insanity was a cunning mind that could achieve so much if he wasn't completely obsessed over a certain maniac who dressed like a bat. However he got no response from the do called jester of genocide.
The two were currently in a small restaurant that had at first almost convinced Lex that this was an actual restaurant. But he noticed the one major flaw, the one imperfection, the one thing that proved it wasn't a real restaurant: it was too perfect. Every restaurant, no matter how impeccably clean and presented, would always have something that ruined it. A crack in the ceiling, a small tear in the wallpaper, dirt under the table caused by mischievous rich children. But there was nothing wrong with the table or the empty tables around them. Everything was clean and tidy. So this was obviously the home of a criminal with an obsession with living out fantasies in places like this.
"I assume this is one of Mr Schott's hideouts?" Lex asked the Joker, taking a sip of the wine in front of him. He found it unlikely the Joker had brought him here to kill him, since he described how he would kill him when they had first met.
"Well, his and Tetch's. Weirdos like them tend to stick together since they can't hang out with the cool kids." Joker replied as he gestured between him and Lex. "Oh look, the waiters are here. About God damn time!"
Lex looked to his side, expecting Harley or some henchman like that kid Prank who he had seen on television. Instead he saw nothing, until he heard a strange noise. He looked down slightly and saw something that was perhaps the most surprising thing he had ever seen in his whole life, though he made sure his face didn't show he was. There were two robotic toys about the size of a four year old, clearly build by Schott, except they were clearly modelled on Superman and Batman. Both had a plate of food in their hands, which extended so that they could place the food in front of both Lex and the Joker.
"So is Tetch and Schott controlling them?" Lex asked as he gestured to the two robots.
"No actually. I persuaded dollman to build me these two, and in return I wouldn't make him a girl." Joker told Lex with a mad burst of laughter, almost falling of his chair. "I know not the best joke but you should have seen the look on his face. Anyway, you two rust buckets can get out of here."
"Now again, why have you taken me here Joker?" Lex asked. "What is the purpose of this?"
"Lex my good man, I told you. It's not everyday you turn seventy-eight." Joker answered as he started to stuff his face full of chicken.
"I'm thirty-six." Lex replied with a stern face, trying to resists the impulse to strangle the purple wearing clown.
"Yikes. Then you should really get that looked at. Put on some skin moisturiser or something." the Joker told him, quickly snatching a piece of Lex's chicken from his plate and taking a few bites of it before looking at him. "Oh, you weren't eating this were you?"
"No, I wasn't. And I ask you again Joker, why are you here? Because I doubt it's for my birthday."
"What? How can you say that Lexi?" Joker asked, speaking again before Lex could remind him that Lexi wasn't his name. "I'm your best friend. Why wouldn't I be here for your birthday?"
"One, because you are not my best friend." Lex told him. "Two, I don't have a best friend. And three, and this is the most important, if I did have a best friend he would surely know that my birthday is in April."
"What!" Joker said in surprise, his eyes suddenly forming tears. "How could you say that? After everything we have been through together and you say that! I have never been so hurt in my life."
"Joker, will you shut up." Lex ordered, but as usual Joker ignored him.
"And I'm sorry I don't know your birthday, but you've never told me. So this is all your fault cue ball." Joker accused, wiping away tears from his eyes.
"My date of birth is on Wikipedia." Lex said, this causing the Joker to strop crying and look at Lex in surprise and confusion.
"You have a Wikipedia page?" he asked. "How can you have a Wikipedia page, when every attempt I make at making my own goes wrong? I even got Crane to write my one so no one would no it was me."
"Oh I don't know. It can possibly be because I'm the owner of a multinational company that makes billions of dollars, and I am a sure win for the next presidential elections, while you are a homicidal maniac in a clown costume." Lex told him.
"No that can't be it. People like you love me for bringing laughter to the world, so it must be some big conspiracy." Joker replied. "Anyway, what do you mean I'm not your best friend? I'm obviously your best friend, and you're mine."
"I thought Batman was your best friend?"
"No, me and him are more life partners. You and me are best buds." Joker explained as if it was obvious.
"Ok, let's say that it is possible that you are my best friend, what evidence do you have that it is true?" Lex asked, expecting Joker not to have an answer. He shouldn't habve forgotten he was talking to a lunatic with a multiple choice past.
"Easy. I know all the bad blood between you and your old man. Great decision to kill the bastard by the way, though I would have done something more impressive." Joker started, causing Lex's superior grin to vanish. "I know that while you call yourself Lex, your first name isn't Alexander it's Alexis. You legally changed it the second you had the chance because kids bullied you because of it. Out of everyone in the super villain community, particularly outside of the boy scout's other less noticeable foes, you team up with me the most and we spend a lot of time socialising. I know your favourite colours are green and purple, unlike people who think you wear green because you typically use kryptonite. And most importantly, you and me respect each other."
"I don't respect you." Lex told him. "We are completely different people with nothing in common, who have never shown the other any respect. And as for all that other stuff, well I drink when I spend time with you because it's the only way to stop myself from strangling you to death."
"Yeah right. Let me ask you something, if you didn't respect me then why have you always invited me into your little clubs like the Injustice League? Why is it whenever Bats shows up in Metropolis you call me to deal with him. Why is it when out of everyone in the world, when you need aid from a criminal you call me? Hell, if you didn't respect me at least a little I doubt you would try so hard not to strangle me." the Joker questioned. "And as for me respecting you, I've done the same things you have whenever the flying boy in blue shows up. I always tell you what's happening and give you my honest advice on how to go forward. I mean, I don't have to call you, I could easily call Lobo to deal with Superman or something."
"Why am I not surprised your friends with that dumb brute?" Lex said, trying to think of a response that disproves all that the Joker had said.
"He's actually a bit of an asshole. But despite that I could always still call him instead of you." Joker replied.
"Well you're wrong. Because Joker, we are not friends. That is the last thing that we are." Lex explained angrily to the Joker. "We are simply allies of convenience. We both have enemies who tend to work together, so at times it can be an advantage to work together. At leas that is the idea, since you always ruin any chance for us to win. You are rude, violent, obnoxious and more psychotic than anyone I know. Sop I am going to say this one last time. Lex Luthor and the Joker are not, have never been and never will be friends."
"Huh." the Joker said simply after a moment of silence and his face that of a depressed and suicidal man. "Very well, if that is what you feel. I will leave you alone."
The Joker stood up, but before he left he pulled out a small rectangular parcel out of his purple coat pocket and put it on the table. After that, he simply walked away and out of a nearby door, closing it behind him as he did. Lex just sat there, about to leave himself when his attention went to the parcel. It was wrapped in green and purple wrapping, which admittedly were his favourite colours, and had been wrapped neatly. Slowly and reluctantly, expecting it to explode, Lex picked up the gift. After moving it about a few times and trying to hear any kind of ticking, Lex began to tear away the wrapping. Lex had been expecting some kind of crude joke, so he was surprised to find that it was a picture of him and the Joker in a well designed frame. It had been taken years ago, back when they had claimed they had started a business and were selling mechano-men, after they had successfully convinced everyone that the Joker was cured. How the did that, Lex will never know and honestly it makes him worry about the future intelligence of the human race. But that had been their first team up as the Joker would describe it, and while their plan had failed Lex had to admit that it had been sort of fun.
"Oh shit." Lex said as he looked at the picture and realised what he was feeling. He had fun with the Joker. Like he still sometimes had. Which meant he enjoyed the Joker's company to this day. Which meant the Joker was right. "How the hell did me and him...How did this happen?"
Reluctantly accepting the truth, and knowing he will forever hate himself for allowing it to happen, he spoke up. "I know you're waiting outside the door Joker. Come back in. You were right."
"I was?" the Joker asked as he opened the door slightly and stuck his head in.
"Yes. You are my best friend and I'm yours." Lex said, still struggling to accept that it was the truth.
"Yes! I told you. " the Joker shouted in triumph, suddenly pulling out his phone. "Come on pal, let's take a picture so we can forever remember this moment!"
I hope you enjoyed this. Tell me what you think and if there are any spelling mistakes or sentences that don't make sense. By the way Prank is a reference to the character from the show The Batman. I mentioned him because I really like that episode. And for the record, Lex's actual name really was Alexis during the Silver and Bronze age, while back in the Golden age he was known simply as Luthor, though after the DC Multiverse was created he was given the name Alexei. I believe the first Alexander Luthor was his Earth-3 counterpart, and after Crisis of the Infinite Earth's Alexander became the more well known name for the character.