A/N: This is another companion piece to the brilliant work by FitchSwitch, "What the Heart Sees", endorsed and commissioned by none other than the author herself. You need to have read through at least chapter 8 of that before you read this, and preferably you need to have read my other companion piece for it "Trial and Error" as well. This, like T&E is set before WTHS begins, but it spoils revelations that take place in chapter 8, and it takes place shortly after T&E. Also, chapter 10 part 2 is going up tonight, so for those of you already caught up on her story, don't forget to go read it and leave her love.
This is for you, Brit. xx
Disclaimer: I don't own Skins or the characters.
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"Thanks. For...you know. Just..." Emily choked up and Effy looked away as Emily dropped her bag on the floor.
Effy wasn't big on emotional displays, least of all from people she cared about. It made her feel things. She crossed to her desk and pulled a pack of fags out of a drawer. She extracted one, and crossed to the window, pushing it open despite the chill of the air outside and lit up. "No problem," she murmured before exhaling.
She heard a slight chuckle, and when she looked up, Emily was rolling her eyes, a smile on her face despite her haggard appearance. The weeks of abuse were showing on her face: dark circles under puffy, red-rimmed eyes, hair that looked substantially thinner than it had not long ago, and fingers that wouldn't stop fidgeting and cracking her knuckles, a new nervous tick. Effy imagined that those same fingers had been balled into fists at Emily's side a lot, recently, as she tried to hold her tongue or her temper so that Jenna might eventually stop berating her and who she was.
Effy swallowed hard and looked away, out into the empty street with bleak grey clouds looming ominously above it. It wasn't raining yet, but it would be soon, she could tell. "Katie coming over later?" she asked, aware of Emily settling on the bed behind her.
"I convinced her not to. I just want a night away from anything having to do with my house, you know?"
"Bet she took that well," Effy murmured flatly, but she felt a smirk tugging on the corner of her lips. She could just imagine Katie's reaction and it was somewhere between wounded puppy and indignant leaping lizard.
"Oh, swimmingly," Emily agreed sarcastically. She let out a small laugh, but it sounded far too hollow, as if it had been too long since she'd last done so.
Effy finished her cigarette in silence, for once finding the quiet a tad unsettling. She wasn't good with words of comfort, even with someone that was such a close friend. Part of the problem was that there were just too many things to say to Emily, and not enough ways to make her believe them.
When she finally turned her gaze back to Emily, she found her curled in a tight ball on her bed, silent tears trickling down her cheeks as she stared blankly at the far wall. Effy's heart broke, and she set her jaw hard in determination that at any available opportunity in the future she would make Jenna pay for making Emily feel like this. She would make that woman as uncomfortable as humanly possible in her own home as she could, and Effy was fucking good at making people uncomfortable.
She crossed to the bed and sat down beside Emily's curled form, wrapping an arm loosely around her, showing her silent support. Emily nuzzled closer into her side and sniffled quietly. "So make yourself at home. My mum and dad are at each other's throats again, so they probably won't even notice that you're here."
Emily reached out a hand and fumblingly found Effy's, giving it a little squeeze. Effy looked away again. That was Emily. Always a natural carer, even in her hour of need.
"You hungry?" Effy asked, standing, fighting her own emotions threatening to show themselves for once.
Emily shook her head.
"Have you eaten today?"
Emily hesitated for a moment, then shook her head again.
Effy shook her head, but she couldn't blame Emily. She lost her appetite when she was upset, too, and she could tell that Emily'd lost weight. Still, Emily needed to eat. "I'll get you some toast and some tea."
"No, Ef...I'm fine, I'm –"
"You need food," Effy said, in a tone that didn't leave room for protest.
Emily sat up, wiped her eyes and nodded slowly.
"Besides, Katie will have my head if I let her sister waste away to nothing."
Effy noted, with a pleased feeling building inside her, that Emily smiled just before she left the room.
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"Emsy? How're you doing? I missed you last night," Katie asked, slipping into Effy's bedroom first thing in the morning.
God, it was barely light out, Effy realised. She was willing to bet money that Katie hadn't slept all night. One look at Katie's haggard face, dark circles clearly visible beneath her eyes, confirmed her suspicions.
Effy's eyes drifted to the other girl in her bed and noted the way that Emily was curled up in a ball, and, though she wasn't making a noise, her eyes were already wide open and they were rimmed red. She'd probably barely slept as well.
Effy sighed softly to herself and scooted over as Katie came to climb into bed with them. Emily instinctually reached out for her twin and pulled her to her, and Katie held on like she was clinging to a life raft.
If Effy hadn't witnessed so many private twin moments as she'd grown up with them, she might have felt uncomfortable in her own room, like she was intruding, but she knew them well enough to just give them a little space in the bed and look to her window instead. A bleary glance at the clock informed her it was only five-thirty in the morning.
After a few minutes, Katie looked over Emily's shoulder at her. "How was the night?"
Effy shrugged. "We had toast and tea. We watched shit TV. We came to bed."
"And Emily?"
"I can answer questions about me. I'm right here," came an emotional, muffled voice from somewhere buried in Katie's shoulder.
Effy quirked an eyebrow up at Katie, who was still looking at her expectantly for an answer. Katie glared. Effy shrugged in response.
Emily wiggled a little and emerged from her sister's arms. "I was fine, Katie. You know Effy will take good care of me, not that I'm not capable of taking care of myself, mind," Emily said, shooting both of them a look, but Effy knew it was half-hearted.
At the moment, what Emily both wanted and needed was their support.
"I'm allowed to worry about my sister, aren't I?" Katie demanded.
"Did you even sleep?" Emily asked, sounding horribly tired herself, obviously having noticed the same signs in her sister that Effy had.
"Yes," Katie replied defiantly.
"Really?" Emily said sceptically.
"Well, did you?" Katie tried turning it around on her sister.
"Yeah, actually. A bit," Emily replied. There was a pause and then Emily asked, "How's mum taking it?"
"Just forget about her, Ems. She'll be fine. You worry about you."
Emily nodded. "Okay. I just – Okay."
"Good," Katie sighed softly. She lay back down and snuggled into her sister, and Emily closed her eyes.
It was a few minutes, though, before Katie reached across Emily, whose breathing had evened a bit, and held out her hand to Effy.
Effy wasn't one for too much unnecessary contact, really, but with Katie...with either Fitch twin...They were her family. She could make an exception. She lay back down and reached out and took Katie's hand.
"Thank you," Katie picked her head up and mouthed over Emily's shoulder.
Effy met her dark brown eyes and nodded. She felt a squeeze on her hand as Katie's head dropped back to the pillow, and Effy closed her eyes. She could use some more sleep too. She had a feeling she'd need her energy to help both Fitch twins get through this.
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She'd hoped that all it would take was Emily being away from her house to start to feel better, but after three days with minimal signs of improvement, she realised that the damage that Jenna Fitch had done to her daughter ran far deeper than she'd initially anticipated.
Effy knew that having Katie around was both a help and a hindrance for Emily. On the one hand, she provided some much needed unconditional support. On the other hand, she reminded Emily of everything that she was missing out on at home. It was for that other hand that Effy finally told Katie to go home and stay home for a full twenty four hours one morning before Emily woke up. It was a school day, but Effy had other plans for her and Emily that day. School wasn't fucking helping either, and Emily was barely absorbing anything they tried to teach them anymore anyway. They were going to spend a day out in the sunshine getting high out of their fucking minds, and it was going to be just the two of them.
Emily needed some space to just be away from everything and everyone. Effy hoped so, at least.
Emily was being awfully quiet as they lay in the grass, passing the spliff (some grade A shit Tony'd given her before he'd gone off to uni) back and forth. Worryingly quiet.
Effy wasn't the kind to pry though. Not when someone was lost in thought. She, for one, hated when people felt the need to ask what she was thinking, to fill the silences. If Emily needed silence today, then Effy would give it to her.
That didn't mean she wouldn't worry, though.
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It wasn't until they were back at Effy's that night, having sobered up some over supper, that Emily finally decided to string more than three words together.
She'd been sitting in Effy's window, sketchpad on her lap, pencil in her hand, idly sketching the rooftops, when she finally spoke. "I've been thinking," she murmured absently, and Effy pushed up on her elbows from where she was lying on her bed to note the way Emily's hand moved so easily over the paper as she worked on some shading. The sketch on her lap was already spectacularly detailed. The girl really was brilliant, even if she rarely admitted it.
Effy looked at her expectantly, silently urging her to continue.
It was a few moments before Emily glanced up at her and sighed, then nodded. "I just..." she began, the strokes of her pencil falling a little harder now, "I've been thinking that maybe it'd be better if I just pretend."
Effy frowned. She didn't like where this was going at all.
"You know, just like, be straight. Just for the rest of college, you know? Get my mum off my back. Maybe she'd even consider art school if..." Emily faded out, her eyes looking longingly out the window, before she turned back to her drawing, shading so hard that the lead of the pencil broke. "Fuck," she muttered.
Effy pushed herself up, stood, and crossed to Emily, taking the pencil carefully from her clenched hand, and removing the sketchpad from her lap. She placed them on her desk then went back to Emily, taking her hands, smoothing them out between her own, then urging her to her feet.
She led Emily back to the bed, her heart breaking for her friend all the while. Jenna Fitch was lucky Effy didn't murder her. Mandy, too, for that matter. What the two of them combined had managed to do to this beautiful girl who was always so strong...Neither of them deserved her.
She urged Emily into her bed, then crawled in beside her and claimed her hands again. "No," she said simply.
"Effy," Emily sighed, sounding so weary that Effy had half a mind to just tuck her under the covers and make her sleep. "It's just another year and a half. Then I can get out of her house. Out of this fucking city. Away from...just away from everything."
"No," Effy repeated.
Emily's eyes were glued to their hands, and Effy didn't like it. She couldn't read her quite as well when she wasn't looking at her. Effy brought one hand up and stroked the side of Emily's face tenderly, then dragged her fingers down to Emily's chin and lifted it until Emily's eyes came up to meet hers.
"Nobody wants me like I am here. It'll be better for everyone if I just –"
"No," Effy said again, this time more firmly. Emily looked so sad. So broken. For the first time ever, and this worried Effy more than anything, Emily looked like she was doubting her own self-worth. She felt a surge of anger run through her at the thought. She needed to fix this.
Emily needed to remember who she was. The strong, confident, sexy, adorable, smart, artistic girl that Effy knew and loved. She needed to know that she was okay, and Effy knew that Katie had tried to tell her that. Cook had tried too. Freddie. Panda, in her own little goofy way. JJ in his ridiculously logical way. All of them had tried to tell her. So maybe someone just needed to show her.
She brushed her thumb against Emily's lips, then leaned in without thinking about it further.
Emily pulled back at first in surprise, but then she leaned into the kiss.
"No, Emily," Effy whispered against her lips.
Emily captured her lips again, fiercer this time, her emotions coming out and being channelled into the physical sensations. Effy kissed her back just as hard, but she put her own emotions behind it: her love for Emily, how much she cared about her.
Emily gasped as Effy moved her kisses to Emily's neck.
"You're gorgeous," Effy murmured against her skin before she licked up the smooth expanse of it and settled in to place kisses just behind Emily's earlobe.
"You're smart," Effy whispered hot in Emily's ear before sucking her earlobe into her mouth then letting it slip out with a soft 'pop'.
"You're incredibly talented," she informed Emily as she kissed along her collarbone and they slid down in the bed together, Emily's fingers running along the bottom of Effy's top.
Effy let Emily pull her top off, then she tugged Emily's up over her head and moved down to pepper kisses up Emily's taught stomach.
"You're really fucking sexy," Effy practically growled against her soft, supple skin. She trailed her tongue up to Emily's bra, and deftly reached around behind her to unclasp it, before pushing it up over her tits. She slid it off of Emily's shoulders and tossed it aside, and took a moment to look down at her friend. She really was fucking stunning. How could she not see it?
"You're the kindest person I know," Effy told her before capturing Emily's nipple in her mouth and sucking hard.
Emily let out a small moan and arched into the touch.
"You're gay." Effy paused to look Emily in the eyes as she said that before she moved her attention to Emily's other nipple.
A small guttural noise escaped Emily's throat as her fingers tangled in Effy's hair. Effy took her time, licking and kissing and noting how Emily responded to each touch, but she had one last thing to say, so after a few minutes she moved back up to Emily's face, and brushed back a few stray pieces of hair from her face.
She leaned in close and waited until Emily's eyes opened and looked straight into her own, and said, "And you're perfect. Just as you are."
She kissed her again, this time with no intention of stopping as she proceeded to show Emily just how true her words were.
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Despite the activities of the night before, Effy woke up early. Emily was curled around her, arm splayed across her stomach, leg laying over one of her own, and she was sleeping as peacefully as Effy had ever seen her.
Effy took that as a good sign. Effy didn't know exactly how long it had been since Emily had last had a decent night's sleep, but she knew it was a while before she ever got to her house.
She brushed Emily's hair back from her face and placed a tender kiss on her forehead, feeling the warmth from her body spreading through her. "You're perfect, Emily," Effy whispered into her hair. "Don't you dare pretend to be someone you're not for other people."
Emily didn't stir. She was out like a fucking light.
Effy lay her head against Emily's and closed her eyes, hoping that even in her sleep Emily would feel Effy being there for her, holding her, loving her for her. People who couldn't accept and love Emily for her didn't deserve her.
Effy breathed in deeply and stifled a yawn. Maybe a few more hours sleep would do them both some good.
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She was almost back asleep when Katie's outraged voice brought her back to full consciousness.
"WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
"Katie –" Effy began, but Katie cut her off as Emily stirred beside her, rubbing her eyes and looking blearily at her sister.
"BY COMFORT HER I DID NOT MEAN FUCKING SLEEP WITH HER, EFFY!" Katie yelled.
"Katie," Emily attempted, sitting up some and clutching the sheet to her bare chest as she did so.
Effy sat beside her, grabbing Emily's top from the night before from the floor beside her as she did so and handing it to her.
"No, Emily! What the fuck was she thinking? This is only going to hurt her more!"
"Katie, it's okay," Emily sighed as she pulled her top over her head.
Effy looked around and located Emily's knickers near the foot of the bed. She leaned forward and grabbed them, handing them helpfully to Emily who was also glancing around searchingly.
"Thanks," Emily muttered, shooting Effy an apologetic smile.
"God, get out of bed with her! Just because you kissed me does not mean it's okay to sleep with my fucking sister, Effy! Not everything can be solved with sex!"
But some things can, Effy thought. She refrained from saying it, however, knowing Katie well enough to know it wouldn't help until she calmed down a bit. Katie was going to yell until she felt she'd had her say.
Emily slipped out of bed, located a pair of shorts and tugged them on, and Effy stood too, wrapping the sheet around her.
"I FUCKING TRUSTED YOU WITH HER!" Katie's glare was so intense that Effy briefly considered the idea that maybe looks could kill, in which case she might actually be in trouble.
"Katie, I'm a big girl. Nobody took advantage," Emily protested.
"That's exactly what she did! Effy you fucking cunt, I can't believe you!" Katie yelled, stepping closer, her voice loud enough to make Effy shrink away and rub at her left ear.
She wouldn't be hearing out of that again anytime soon.
"She helped me, Katie," Emily said quietly, her eyes searching out Effy's, and Effy knew that she was telling her that too.
Effy nodded just barely at her to let her know that the message had been received.
"What?" Katie snapped irritably.
"She didn't hurt me. She helped."
Katie's eyes flipped between them sceptically, then they settled on Effy with a slightly less certain glare.
"Em, how about you go put the kettle on," Effy suggested softly. She'd have to talk Katie down on her own. Emily could only do so much, and she didn't need to overhear more fighting, not when that was what she was trying to escape by being there.
Emily nodded. "Just...Don't kill each other, okay?" she asked as she hesitated at the door.
Effy smirked. "Promise."
"I can't promise anything," Katie grumbled, but Effy shooed Emily from the room anyway.
"Katie –"
"No, Effy. I can't believe you. I just – She's my baby sister, Ef! She's my twin! How could you?"
"Are you mad I slept with her or mad I didn't sleep with you, because I thought we sorted out that you're not –"
The slap stung her cheek, but she'd been expecting it. Katie needed it, she knew. When her eyes met Katie's again, Katie was calmer and a tad apologetic.
"I slept with her because she needed it, Katie. Not in a sexual way. Not in a lust-filled night of passion way. In a comfort way. She needed to know that people loved her –"
"She knows I love her!" Katie retorted, defensively.
"Yes, she does, but she needed to know that people who aren't her twin love her. That it was okay to be her because people would love her just as she is," Effy attempted to explain again.
"But she knew that!" Katie exclaimed, then she turned questioning eyes on Effy. "She did know that, didn't she?"
"She'd forgotten, Katie. And us telling her wasn't helping her remember," Effy replied.
"So you showed her," Katie concluded.
Effy nodded.
"You treated her right?"
Effy let out a small laugh. "It wasn't exactly a date, Katie, but yes. Don't worry. I made sure that she –"
"Okay. I really don't need to know the end of that sentence," Katie cut her off and Effy smirked.
"It was good for her," Effy said.
"I'm going to choose to take that in the way that means that it was good for her mental health, not that it was good for her sexually," Katie replied, narrowing her eyes at Effy.
Effy smirked and shrugged.
Katie took a few deep breaths and sighed. "I'm still not exactly happy about this, you know."
"I know," Effy replied, putting an arm around Katie's shoulders and pulling her into a half hug.
Katie came reluctantly. "She's my sister."
"She slept well last night," Effy supplied.
"Did she?" Katie asked, sounding hopeful.
"Yeah. Really soundly."
Katie nodded, then she pulled back and narrowed her eyes at Effy. "Did you make me slap you on purpose?"
Effy shrugged again.
Katie shook her head. "You're impossible, do you know that?"
Effy grinned. "You might have told me once or twice."
Katie stepped forward and ran her fingers over the cheek she'd slapped, then she leaned in and kissed it gently. "Sorry."
"You needed it. You Fitches are a surprisingly violent bunch," Effy teased.
Katie shoved her playfully in the arm.
"Come on. We should get downstairs before Emily thinks you've murdered me," Effy suggested.
"Yeah, okay," Katie agreed, but she didn't move towards the door. "You think she'll be okay, right? You think things will get better? Emily will be able to be herself again and my mum will stop being such a cunt and –"
"It'll be all right, Katie," Effy assured her.
Katie nodded. "Thanks."
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It was another two weeks before Emily felt strong enough to move home again, and it was with an open offer from Effy that she could move back in any time, warning or no warning.
"You're always welcome here, Em. You're family," Effy told her as she packed, finding herself oddly choked up over seeing Emily go. She couldn't help but worry that maybe it was too soon, but then again, she knew Emily. Emily was strong. She'd be fine.
"Thanks," Emily replied, throwing a big grin in her direction.
It was so nice to see her smile reaching her eyes again, Effy thought.
"Look at you, actually expressing emotions," Emily teased, her eyes sparkling mischievously.
It was good to see her eyes twinkle like that again, too. Effy gave Emily a look that said, "Ha. Ha. Very funny," and flipped her off.
Emily laughed. She'd been doing that more again, as well. It was a really lovely sound, Effy reflected.
"Right, well, that's it, then. I think. It's not like if I forgot something I couldn't come back and get it, or like you couldn't give it to me at school or whatever," Emily muttered, scanning the room one last time.
"Too true," Effy agreed.
Emily crossed to the window where Effy was smoking the dregs of a cigarette, and leaned in, giving her a soft kiss on the cheek. "Thank you. For everything. You've helped...Well, I just...I appreciate it."
Effy nodded, keeping her eyes on the street to try to keep control of the emotions swelling up inside of her.
"Anyway, see you soon," Emily said, straightening and returning to her bag, throwing it over her shoulder.
"See you," Effy acknowledged with a wave.
Emily was at her bedroom door when Effy called after her.
"Em?"
"Yeah?" Emily paused halfway out the door and looked back at her.
Effy shot her a smile. "You'll find her, you know. That girl who sees just amazing you are and loves you for it, no questions asked, no need for you to change. She's out there."
Emily smiled back and nodded. "I know."
Effy turned back to the window and she heard Emily leave the room and head down the hall. She would find that girl, Effy had faith. Probably someone blonde, Effy thought. Emily had a thing for blondes, whether she was aware of it yet or not. Effy'd noticed the way her eyes always seemed to linger on the pretty leggy blondes at clubs. Maybe someday soon she'd meet the right one.