Disclaimers: Canon characters not mine. Not making any money from this.
Thanks to my betas Zoe and Ari.
Thanks to wolfpup for giving my work a home
Spoilers: Not really any. Maybe a teeny tiny one for 'Rogue', but blink and you'll probably miss it.
Warnings: Read this story after you have read "The End of a Guide". Lots of Angst (definitely a hanky warning. I was sniffling as I wrote it!)
Author's notes: This is a companion piece to "The End of a Guide". It is the letters that he wrote to each of the people that he loved.
Read these stories in the following order. 1: "The End of A Guide" 2: "Last Letters" 3: "Fight for Control" 4: "Another Life".
LAST LETTERS
Sam Mallory
Simon,
Thank you for all that you've done for me over the years. I really can't say it enough. Your support of my partnership with Jim when you didn't necessarily believe or understand its necessity has meant more to me than I can adequately express. Thank you for being such a good friend to Jim and to me.
I quit the Academy. I know that you worked so hard to pull strings for me and called in who knows how many favors. You'll never know what that means to me. That you cared enough to do it. I'm sorry, but I can't get past that being a cop means carrying a gun. I just can't do that! More than that, Jim and I cannot work together anymore.
Maybe you didn't notice, but things haven't been amicable between us since the fountain. Please try to understand. I will not be coming in to the station anymore and I'm moving out of the loft in the morning. I can't tell you where I'll be, but know that I truly value your friendship. If you value mine at all, please don't look for me. Just let me walk away with the modicum of dignity that I have left.
I hate to ask anything else of you. You've already done so much for me. But Simon, please take care of Jim for me. Please! Thanks for everything!
Love,
Blair
Simon pulled off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. Damnit, the kid has actually left! Ellison's gonna be a mess, he thought sadly. I wish to hell that Sandburg had tried to talk to me before he just took off. Maybe I could have done something to help him out. He's a good man. He didn't deserve all the crap that Ellison slung on him. Hell, I wasn't much better, I guess. I just sat there on my ass in my office and watched it all happen. Kept telling him "You're not a cop, Sandburg!" Banks shook his head ruefully, honestly sorry when he thought about never seeing Sandburg again, heart sick that he'd had any part in him leaving everything behind.
I hope Blair keeps a level head and takes care of himself. God, I'm gonna miss that kid!
Daryl,
I know that it's difficult to understand everything that's been going on lately and I wish that I could explain it to you, but I can't. You are a remarkable young man. Remember that and know that you can do anything when you put your mind, heart and soul into it. Follow your dreams but don't get lost in the process. Always remember who you are and that you have many people that love you, including me.
I'm leaving. I can't tell you where I'm going because I don't know and honestly I need to make a clean break with this life if I have any hope of salvaging anything.
Jim and I haven't been getting along for awhile. Don't be mad at him or at me. Sometimes, people have problems that are so complex that no matter how hard you try, it is nearly impossible to work them out.
Please don't be angry with me. This is the best thing that I can do.
Please take care of yourself and your dad for me. I love you both so very much.
Love,
Blair
Daryl cursed as he balled the letter up tightly in his fist. Why did he have to leave? I can't believe he just left without saying anything to me or at least trying to say goodbye in person. I wouldn't have let him go. Tears were running down his face as he sobbed and threw the paper across his room. How could he do this to me? He stormed out of his bedroom slamming the door, feeling somehow betrayed and bereft, at the same time.
Megan,
I hardly know where to begin. You are an amazing woman and I regret that I will not get the chance to get to know you better. Thank you for always being such a good friend to me, especially during the dark times in Mexico. I don't think I would have survived that trip without you by my side.
I'm sure you know that things have not been fine with me for awhile. I need to get away. I can't take this anymore and with the diss fiasco, I have no other options available to me. Please watch out for Jim for me.
Take care of yourself and keep that beautiful smile for me.
Love,
Blair
Megan pulled another tissue from the box as the tears streamed down her face. Oh, Sandy. Why didn't you come to me? I knew it was bloody horrible. I just didn't figure it was so bad that you would leave us all. I could kill Ellison. I won't get the chance to know you better. I really wanted that chance, mate. I hope that you take care of yourself.
God, I'll miss ya, Sandy.
And, yeah, only for you, I'll look out for the big, dumb, lug. I promise.
Rafe,
You have always been such a good friend to me. Thank you for all the good times and fantastic poker nights. I'll always remember your kindness and strength. You are one hell of a cop, my friend.
I'm sorry but circumstances being what they are, I can't stay here and work with you guys anymore. I'll miss you all dearly.
Watch your back and take care of Henri.
Love,
Blair
Rafe shook his head dismally as he read through the quickly scrawled note. Blair, man, I wish you would have told me things were this bad. We could have found a way to work it out. Hell, you could have crashed at my place if you needed to. Take care of yourself. Rafe set the letter on the table and went to find some aspirin, to quiet the throbbing pain that had taken residence behind his eyes.
Henri,
What can I say, man? You are one of the best! I wish I could stay around and work with you guys, but given the crazy turns in my life right now, that is completely impossible.
Please take care of Rafe and keep the bad guys from taking over.
Love,
Blair
Damn, Hairboy. I should've seen it comin'. What with Ellison bein' a prick an' all lately. Wish you coulda worked it out. You were the best damn partnership I've ever seen. Tight. Real tight. I wish you woulda asked for help. I'd a been there for ya! Henri folded the letter and placed it on the kitchen counter as he reached for the phone to call his own partner.
Joel,
This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'm writing this letter to tell you goodbye, man. Keep the faith and always remember that you're so much stronger than the things that you fear. Take care of Jim and your family. Watch out for the big boom.
You've been like the father that I never had and for that I thank you with all of my heart.
Love,
Blair
Oh, Blair. Joel shook his head as he stared at the letter in his trembling hand. The tears rolled down his face as his wife wrapped her arms gently around her suddenly stricken husband. You helped me so much, kid. Why couldn't you let me return the favor. I could have helped you. Given you a place to stay. Be careful, Blair. Stay safe. Don't take too many chances.
Joel turned his head into his wife and wept unashamedly as she stroked the back of his neck, whispering comfort to him to soothe his grief and sorrow.
Rhonda,
You are one of the sweetest people that I know. Please take care of yourself and try to have time for yourself away from Major Crime. You give so much of yourself to that department, you deserve to have a life of your own. Some beautiful kids. God, you'd make a great mom!
As you may have noticed, my life has been a bit shaky lately. There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just come out and say it. I'm leaving. I'm moving out of the loft tomorrow morning and I won't be into MCU again. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry that I won't get to know you any better, but the past 4 years have been incredible.
Please take care of yourself and as always, Simon.
I'll miss you!
Love,
Blair
Rhonda sighed heavily as the tears cut tracks down her face. Oh, Blair. Why didn't you ever say anything? I never realized what you were going through. How much pain you must have been in. How depressed you must have been. Please, look after yourself.
Dear Jim,
I'm sorry, man. My heart can take no more. I know I promised that we would always fight together, but lately we've been fighting each other. I can't do it anymore.
There's so much that I need to tell you. Things I've managed to hide from you for the past few months. Things that I'm sure have added to the strain already between us. I know that you think you know how hard it was for me to walk away from my dreams, but I'm not sure you really do.
For the past three months, I've been on anti-depressants and they seemed to help for awhile, but given your cold indifference lately, I can't get a handle on it anymore. I can't stay here any longer. The tension between us is too much to bear and I need to leave while I still hold some love for you in my heart as I hope you still have some love left for me.
I thank you for all that you've given to me and done for me. Don't blame yourself. I mean, you have been an unbearable prick, but I had something to do with this mess as well. You gave me a place to live when nobody else would. You have also saved my life many times and for that I am truly grateful.
I've only taken with me what I can carry. I know it's a pain in the ass but you can sell what's left and keep the money for any back rent I may owe you. Please, don't try to find me. Let's be honest. Your Guide died in that fountain 6 months ago and as much as I'd like to come back, I can't take the resentment and coldness anymore. I'll be fine. I just need this chance to start a new life on my own. I've been dependent on you for too long for too many things.
Please take care of yourself and be careful. Under the bed in the tote with the blue lid is all of my research. Use it to help understand your senses. I've asked Megan and Simon to watch your back and help be your Guide. I just can't do it anymore. Please, don't hate me, but I have to do this. Don't waste your time trying to find me. Please, have respect for the most difficult decision I've ever had to make. I love you, my brother and will miss you with all my heart.
Love,
Blair
Jim had just grabbed a beer when he noticed the envelope with his name scrawled across it. He flinched at the sight of it. He knew things hadn't been good between him and Sandburg, but he was honestly afraid to find out what Blair had written.
He opened the envelope with shaking hands, tugging the paper free. Glancing at the letter within, he was stricken at the amount of thought that Blair must have put into it.
He scoffed coldly with self-derision. At least it didn't say, "You're an asshole! I'm outta here." That would actually have been more what he deserved.
Blair had given up everything for him; Ellison knew that. His career, his reputation, his dignity, everything. How could I have allowed Blair to divest so much for me? he thought with a stabbing pang of guilt.
I deserve a hell of a lot worse than what he's said.
Jim read the letter again slowly, taking in every word Blair had written to him. Committing every word to memory. Branding it to his very soul.
Swiping at his eyes, he gently set the letter down onto the table and stared vacantly at the Tupperware stacked there. Maybe he just needs some time and then he'll come back, Jim tried to convince himself, knowing that he was lying. Blair was gone, really gone, and wasn't ever coming back.
After the way that I've been treating him, why would he?
Fear warred with anger for dominance in his heart. Anger won. He threw the beer bottle at the French doors across the room. "What am I going to do?" he raged, sinking to the floor, suddenly too overcome to remain standing. "This isn't happening! This can't be happening..."
The End