Six Months
"I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do."
Inoperable.
Untreatable.
Terminal.
"…how long?"
"Six months."
The breath hitched in the back of Matthias' throat. 6 months. Not even a whole year.
The doctor kept talking but the Danish man was beyond listening. He knew he didn't want to spend the rest of his life trapped in a hospital bed which he explained to the doctor before walking out of the small oncology surgery and out into the world. It was strange, he felt completely numb from shock and yet at the same time felt overwhelmed by everything. The feeling of air against his face and the lingering smell of the rain which had showered before he had left. The feeling of autumn leaves crunching beneath his feet and the sounds of traffic, cars, people…everything. He felt all of it and yet it barely registered.
It was when he felt the cold sting of sea-spray on his face that he realised he had walked to the beach in his numb state. Deciding there was nothing better to do, Matthias sat on the stones and stared out to the liquid expanse. Watched it encroach on the stones around him and fill his nostrils with its scent while it caressed his taste-buds with its salty flavour.
Has it always been this peaceful?
It was there, on the stones with the sea before him on a cold autumn morning that for the first time in his life Matthias cried.
He cried for his friends, his family and for everyone he would miss and would miss him in return, and then, he cried for himself. He was angry, like he had been betrayed by life. He had never exactly been a saint but he sure as hell wasn't evil. There were many people in the world worse than he was and yet walked around healthy and alive. Without a tumour leeching off his body and infecting it in return.
Eventually the tears stopped and Matthias picked himself up and wiped his tears. He had to be strong. He had to come up with a plan to stop the others finding out.
He had to rest.
It had been the most tiring day in the blonde's life and he would be glad when he was finally able to rest.
He started to head back to the house he shared with his friends but the exhaustion was proving too much and the Danish man stopped at the nearest bus stop.
He sat on the single decker bus and sighed, the meaningless chatter that surrounded him was usually a source of amusement, but today he just couldn't be bothered with all the moaning about petty ailments and plans of doing harmful and stupid things for fun.
Matthias tried to calm himself down, they don't realise how precious life is…hell, I didn't until today.
Matthias pushed open the front door to the apartment he shared with his friends, a large smile sliding onto his face as he walked inside. "Hey! Anyone home?" Silence.
Matthias sighed and headed to his bedroom. He flopped down onto his soft double bed and was asleep almost instantly, not bothering to take off his jacket.
I feel...scared. I don't want to leave, I really wish I could stay.
It had been two weeks since Matthias had received his diagnosis and not a lot had changed in his life except he was now working on autopilot. His fake smiles had become easy and his friends were seemingly none-the-wiser. "Matthias?" The Danish man turned at the mention of his name and in front of him stood Lukas, the Norwegian boy he had had a crush on since they had met. He looked nervous about something as he pulled at the edges of his sleeves.
"What's up Lukas?" Matthias replied from the sofa in their apartment. The others were out so it was just the Danish man and the Norwegian in the house. Lukas coughed awkwardly and sat down next to Matthias.
"I need to talk to you." Lukas said flatly but his usually distant eyes were filled with worry. Matthias nodded for Lukas to go on and the Norwegian stiffened, one hand playing lightly with the cross in his hair. "Well, I just… "Lukas sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I think I love you. No, I know I do. If you hate me, fine. I just needed you to know." He said quietly, a slight blush dusted his cheeks and he avoided eye-contact with his Danish friend.
No.
No this isn't fair!
In that moment Matthias wanted to scream. Wanted to cry and scream and smash everything because it just wasn't fair. You can't love me! I'm condemned to die. I won't even see next autumn; we'd never even have an anniversary…
And yet, despite how selfish it was Matthias found himself tilting the shy Norwegian's chin upwards so he could plant a firm but sweet kiss on the stoic blonde's lips.
"I love you too Lukas." Matthias muttered between feather light kisses and Lukas sighed with relief.
That night Matthias couldn't sleep. Instead he spent the night with tears of guilt dripping off of his face.
It was the end of the first month and Matthias had already noticed the decline in his health. He was getting headaches almost every day and would occasionally get very dizzy and once or twice he lost consciousness. He still hadn't told anyone and decided that a month before he was due to die he would leave and take his own life. He wanted…no, needed that amount of control at least.
His life went on, he would go out on dates with Lukas every weekend and would spend his weekdays writing articles for the magazine he worked at. He was happy as long as he wasn't thinking about it. But every time he looked at a calendar he would realise that he only had four months left and then he'd be gone. It broke his heart every time Lukas would comment on the future or ask if they'd be together forever. Those eyes so hopeful and honest that Matthias felt tainted. It was like someone was stabbing with a red-hot poker repeatedly.
He wondered what he would miss most… the fights-that-weren't-actually-serious-fights with his Swedish friend, the times they would all go out and do something together, like the time they all went to the fair together and Tino was too short to go on any of the rides and Emil went on the "magic puffin" ride over a dozen times. It was one of Matthias' favourite memories and always cheered him up when he felt down. But, what he would miss most would be Lukas. He had waited for so long for the chance of them being together and yet fate had been cruel.
He knew they would both end up hurt by the doomed relationship but he couldn't bring himself to change it. When he was with Lukas he didn't think about dying or tumours or anything like that, it was just them.
It was midway through the second month and it was Matthias' birthday. He sat at a table with a cake and all his friends. Music blaring in the background and everyone was happy. Even Lukas was smiling slightly. Matthias was able to forget everything and just enjoy himself. That was until at the end of the day, after everyone had left, Lukas presented Matthias with the finest watch he had ever seen. It was a beautiful gift and it truly meant a lot but Matthias couldn't help but be reminded that time for him was running out. It was slipping away from him and there was nothing he could do.
That night, Matthias pulled down a couple of old photo albums and managed to talk everyone into looking through them with him. The group of friends all sat, leaned on or stood behind the sofa while they all looked at the pictures. Memories of long ago, photos of childhood, of birthdays and Christmases, good times, bad times and just normal days were all contained in the pages they were all browsing through. Matthias felt tears burn his eyes and left with the excuse of needing a bath. When he got to the bathroom he locked the door and turned the water on full blast, relishing in the noise it made as it covered the sounds of his barely stifled sobs.
He was falling apart.
It happened some time during the third month. The group of friends had all been squashed round a small table in a café while ordering breakfast and Matthias had been hit with one of the stronger headaches that he had been getting the past couple of weeks. The Danish man grit his teeth and tried not to let his pain show, pouring himself some water on the off-chance it might help.
He felt the headache ease a little and relaxed until the world started fading quickly and sounds became muffled. Then the dim world began tilting and shifting as Matthias' unconscious form slipped from his chair and onto the floor.
"Matthias?" Lukas asked but the Danish man seemed not to have heard him. The boisterous blonde's eyes were hardened and his jaw was set in what looked like pain and then his eyes took on a glazed look before he just fell to the ground. At first people laughed, thinking that the clumsy Danish man had fallen but then he didn't get back up. Lukas kneeled down beside him and checked frantically for signs of life, thanking the gods that he could feel a pulse.
"Someone call an ambulance." He said stiffly to the others who were gathered around, his neutral expression masking the blind panic inside of him.
Tino clutched to Berwald's chest out of worry for the friend inside the hospital room in front of them being checked by a doctor. Even the overly stoic Emil had his arm around his brother Lukas' shoulders. "He'll be okay." The Icelandic boy kept muttering randomly.
Eventually the doctor stepped out of the patient room and sighed as he turned to the group. "How is he?" asked Tino quietly.
The doctor looked at the group solemnly, "the tumour is progressing faster than we hoped it would…"
"WHAT?" Lukas screamed and everyone else stared at the doctor in shock. The doctor looked taken aback and checked his file. Emil's grip on his brother tightened.
"He didn't tell you?" The doctor asked nervously and his response was a mixture of looks from shock to fear to total devastation. "Mr Køhler is a very sick man. I must ask that you don't overload him with questions about his condition as it will tire him. I am very sorry but I have patients to attend to." The doctor explained formally before hurrying off and the group looked at each other.
"….Matthias." Lukas whispered and then turned and stormed into the room where his boyfriend was lying in bed, the others slowly following behind.
"Lukas? What's wrong?" Matthias asked when Lukas came storming into the room and wrapped his arms around the other.
"You're an idiot Matthias. A goddamn fool!" He sobbed into the crook of the Danish man's neck while Matthias rubbed his back soothingly. "Why didn't you tell us?" He asked and Matthias looked between the group in confusion.
"The doctor told us what's wrong with you." Tino said sadly, still clutching Berwald. Matthias suddenly looked devastated.
"I didn't want you to know." He muttered.
"Why not?" Lukas asked, drawing back to look into the Dane's endless blue eyes.
"I didn't want you to have to watch me die." Matthias said gravely and everyone froze.
"…H'w l'ng d'ya h've?" Berwald asked the inevitable quietly and everyone turned to stare at Matthias.
"…about two months now." Everyone gasped and Lukas chocked.
"t-two months." The Norwegian repeated and Matthias nodded gravely, leading Lukas to sit in his lap, curled against the Danish man's chest as Matthias stroked his soft platinum blonde hair.
The next month was spent making memories. They had all gone to theme parks, day trips all over Europe and were together almost all the time. The problem came when the fourth month was nearing and Matthias could hardly travel from one room to another without feeling exhausted. He decided it was time to set his affairs in order and write his will. He left everything to his friends and boyfriend. It had been sad, pretty much everyone had started to cry as Matthias signed his will and handed it to his lawyer.
Everyone felt it, there was a darkness over the house as the group watched their friend who had once been so strong and full of life as he now struggled to do anything that before would have been menial.
His once bright eyes had dimmed from exhaustion but he tried not to let himself get overwhelmed by depression. He joked and messed around but everyone could feel how forced it was now.
Matthias hadn't even made it five months when he decided to call a meeting with his friends. They all sat around the round dinner table waiting and after a while the sound of shuffling was heard and Matthias came in being held up almost completely by Lukas. "Thanks babe." Matthias said as he sat down and Lukas couldn't bring himself to smack him like he would before. He knew what this meeting was and he could barely keep from crying. The pressure in his eyes was immense and his throat burned.
Matthias addressed the group around him solemnly, "guys, it…it's time. I can't go on like this. I'll do it this weekend." He said and despite everyone wanting to, nobody protested. It was Matthias' life and they all knew they'd do the same in his situation. Though that didn't help the painful tightening in the chest they all felt. Or the sudden inability to breathe properly.
All too soon, it was Saturday evening and Matthias was in his bed. Lukas was sat beside him on the bed and Emil stood beside the Norwegian. On the other side stood Tino and Berwald. They had spent the day recalling their favourite stories and those that were less favourable but memories they all shared anyway. There had been laughter and tears and now everything was peaceful.
Matthias had just taken the last sleeping pill that had been in the bottle and would simply fall asleep. His throat constricted and he couldn't get the words he wanted to say to form properly so he took a couple of deep breaths. He could feel the pills working as the sensation of his limbs being as heavy as bricks took over his body. His breathing quickly became laboured and he found it nearly impossible to stay awake.
"I just…wanted to tell you…I…love…you…guys…" With that he felt light and warm as his eyes gently slid closed and Matthias took his last shuddering breath.
This is...
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE WRITERS OF MY FAVOURITE SHOW TRY TO KILL OF MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER! D:
rikba;fn GAHHHH the rage and paiiiin D:
and now I'm just doubly depressed! both by this story and the show!
Plus I spent 3 hours washing up plates I'd never touched and then spent about 4 hours trying to catch a mouse in my kitchen because everyone else was either too scared or trying to kill it.
Then I broke my foot again cause I had a dizzy spell and fell over about 4 different things.
All in all BAD DAY.
So unawesome.
~Oresama