'Malfoy?'
'Hmm?'
'Can I ask you something?'
'I'm eating, Granger. Can it wait till later?'
'No. I want to ask you now. Please? PLEASE?'
'Later.'
'Please?'
'...'
'Stop batting your eyelashes, I'm trying to eat!'
'No.'
'Damn you, Granger.'
'So, can I ask you something?'
'You just did, Granger.'
'... Right...'
'Do you want to ask me another question, Granger?'
'Yes. Tell me, Malfoy, why do we still call each other by our last names?'
'Why not?'
'Well... Because it's WEIRD!'
'Quit shouting, woman, I'm right here!'
'It is weird! I mean, do divorced couples still call each other "love" and "dear"?'
'I don't know, Granger, I've never been divorced.'
'Ow! What the hell, woman!'
'Can't you be serious for once, Malfoy?!'
'I AM being serious, Granger! I was never divorced, so I can't tell you!'
'Forget that! Malfoy, why do you still call me "Granger", and I still call you "Malfoy"?'
'I said, Granger, why not?'
'And I said, Malfoy, because it's weird!'
'Do you find it weird?'
'Well, not really...'
'Then what-'
'It's just that other people find it weird. They told me.'
'What did they tell you?'
'Well?'
'Can you at least ACT like you're not bored by this Goddam conversation, Malfoy?!'
'Yes, dear.'
'Good! Now, they keep saying stuff like, "Why do you guys call each other by your last names? I mean, you're engaged!" It's annoying!'
'And your point is?'
'My point is, Malfoy, that they're right; we ARE engaged, and yet I don't understand why you call me "Granger", and vice- versa.'
'Do you want me to give you a pet- name, Granger?'
'Other than "dear", you mean?'
'... Yes.'
*sigh* 'Like what, Malfoy?'
'Maybe, "sugar lump"? Or, "sugar quill"? What about "cinnamon bun"?'
'Ugh.'
'Okay, how about "chocolate monkey"?'
'OW! Quit hitting me woman; do you want me to spill my food?!'
'What am I, your pet pygmy puff?!'
'You said you wanted a pet name!'
'Yes, but a normal one, Malfoy! Like "sweetheart" or "darling"!'
'But they're boring!'
'Who cares? At least people won't think you have a pet donkey!'
'Alright, then you know what? No pet names!'
'Fine! But what about the whole last- name- calling business?'
'What do you mean, Granger?'
'Malfoy! Stop it!'
'Well, would you rather I call you by your first name, Granger?'
'I don't know... Try it.'
'... Ugh, fine... Hermione.'
'What?'
'Nothing... Draco.'
'What?'
'... It sounds...'
'Awkward? Unusual? Stupid?'
'Yes, Granger, yes!''
'I know right!'
'It's just useless! We grew up calling each other "Granger" and "Malfoy!''
'Totally. Well, what should we do, Malfoy?'
'...'
'Okay, how about this: we'll keep calling each other by these names, keeping "Hermione" and "Draco" as pet names for when we're old or when we'll have children. How about it, Granger?'
'... Sounds okay, I guess.'
'Good. Now, can I continue eating?'
'Mhm... So wait, does that mean I'll call you "Malfoy" in my wedding vow?'
'Duh, we just settled that, Granger.'
'But-'
'DAMN IT, WOMAN, LET ME EAT!'