This is one for NCIS that I thought about and decided to do as a fun, humorous one shot. I've always enjoyed the humorous byplay between DiNozzo and Ziva, and thought that a holiday one shot that puts Tony in a real bit of trouble, but in a humorous way, would be a nice one to attempt. I hope you enjoy it. Gregg.
Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Tony DiNozzo was in a festive mood. He was going to do it. Finally, after a couple of years of waffling on the subject, stupidly taking an undercover assignment that blew apart his chances with Ziva, and then once Rivkin was toast taking his sweet ass time preparing to get it right, he was going to make an overt move on Ziva. Now he hoped she didn't take it the wrong way and seriously kick his ass, but he had to take a chance. And what better way than to make his move with a Christmas present? He couldn't think of any, and while she didn't celebrate Christmas, she did observe the holiday out of respect to her friends. That's why he was sitting at his dining room table putting the finishing touches on everyone's presents. Let's see now, there was one for Gibbs, one for Probie, one for Ducky, one for Abby, and finally one for Ziva. He left out Vance as he was still a bit peeved at the man over his time on the ship after Sheppard had been killed, and he left out Ducky's assistant, Palmer, as he'd seen the little kiss ass making eyes at Ziva recently, so no present for his interloping ass. He was about to put the name tags on the presents when his cell phone rang, startling him and causing him to knock over the presents in the process. Damn! They were all wrapped in the same size boxes and with the same wrapping paper! Oh well, he knew what order they were in, so no big deal. He picked up his cell phone and opened it.
"Big D here. Talk to me," he said in his usual cocky tone.
"Get your butt down here DiNozzo," came the strident tones of Gibbs. "We've got a body and you and David are on it."
"On my way, Boss," Tony said instantly and rushed out the door without thinking about the presents. He made a quick call to Ziva telling her he'd pick her up and then he drove over to her place.
Tony dragged himself into his apartment about 3am and noticed the presents. Damn! He wracked his brain to remember the order and thinking he had it, put labels on them. He put them by the door so he could take them to work with him when he woke up in a couple of hours. Then he took his tired ass to bed and passed out.
Ring! Ring! Ring!
"OOOHHH," Tony groaned as he blearily reached for his cell phone. He opened it. "Hello?" he croaked out, almost falling right back to sleep.
"Time to get up for our morning run My Little Hairy Butt," the welcome/unwelcome voice of Ziva came over the phone.
Tony opened one incredulous eye and noted the time on his bedside clock. 5AM! "You want to run when we only got done with work two hours ago?" he almost shouted. Dammit! He'd been asleep maybe an hour and a half and he'd been hoping for another couple of hours, but Ziva just ruined that fantasy. Now he'd never get back to sleep!
"Of course," she told him. "When else would we be able to get such a good run?"
"Twenty minutes?" he asked, caving instantly and knowing he was seriously whipped. His present for her damn well better pay off!
"I will pick you up in fifteen," Ziva said quickly and hung up.
"Crap! Not only do I have to run on no sleep, but I'm going to be risking life and limb with the driver from Hell!" he grumbled as he got out of bed and quickly got ready.
When Ziva arrived he was ready, by some miracle, and she helped him carry down the presents to her car and then they left to go to the park they usually ran together at. When they got to work he handed out the packages and then they all got to work.
All was going well until about noon. That was when he saw Ziva opening her present and he paled.
"Uh, Ziva, I think you should wait until you get home to open that!" he scrambled.
Ziva, who had no intention of doing so shredded the wrapping paper and threw open the lid and looked down into it. She raised a brow and looked up at Tony.
"Membership to a Goth Club in Virginia?" she asked, not sure what to make of the gift.
DiNozzo's eyes widened in horror. "What?" he ripped the box from her hands and stared inside. Oh, no! He got the labels wrong!
"Ballet tickets at the Kennedy Center?" McGhee asked from his seat across the room.
DiNozzo whirled around. No, no. no! This couldn't be happening!
"Mr. DiNozzo, while I certainly appreciate the manual arts inherent in working with ones hands on wood, I should think that this gift would have been more appropriate for Jethro," Ducky joined the group. He was holding a box with some 18th and 19th century wood working tools that were in superb, well cared for condition.
"Uh, uh...," Tony managed to stammer. He turned as the elevator dinged and an advancing storm known as Abby came barreling in, and holding a box suspiciously like everyone else's. He closed his eyes and offered a silent prayer asking for an earthquake or sudden tornado to hit and make all this go away.
"Tony!" Abby thrust the box under his nose. "I specifically asked for a Goth Club membership. Why am I holding a book on the history of the modern mystery novel?"
Tony wanted to go somewhere and hide forever. There was only one person who could have Ziva's gift. Wait for it. Any moment now. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...Whack! Tony winced and whirled to see Gibbs there glaring at him.
"Hey, Boss," he said, not quite meeting Gibbs' eyes. "You got a present, I see."
"And I got a present for you, DiNozzo," Gibbs said as he handed Tony an envelope. "You get to spend the next three weeks attending sexual harassment classes, and sensitivity training. Honey dust wasn't enough? Now you've graduated into the Big Leagues?" he said, making reference to the mistake a few years before with Honey Dust.
"Uh...," Tony started, but trailed off. Three weeks! Crap! He'd never live this one down!
"I think this is yours, David," Gibbs said to Ziva, handing her a box like everyone else's. "If you want to spend some time teaching DiNozzo here some Mossad developed enhanced interrogation techniques first hand, I'll make interrogation room one available."
Ziva took the box while everyone exchanged gifts so that they all got was supposed to have been given to them. Opening it she took out a note.
Here's a few goodies I hope to enjoy with you. The Big D.
She tore at the wrapping tissue and gasped. Inside were assorted sex toys and flavored oils and body paints. On the bottom she saw what appeared to be the most blatantly risqué bra and panty set she'd ever seen, along with matching garter belt and stockings. She could feel her cheeks turning flaming red. Not at the gifts, which she intended to put to good use with her Little Hairy Butt now that he'd decided to push beyond Rule 12, but that she not only got this gift here at work, and that Gibbs knew exactly what Tony had gotten her.
"I think you will be having a very long night, My Little Hairy Butt, yes?" Ziva said bluntly as she looked at Tony, putting on her best I will kill you face that she'd perfected while a Mossad agent.
Tony winced as he got another, very hard, head slap from Gibbs. "What was that for, Boss?" he demanded. That hurt!
"For forcing me to make an exception to Rule 12," Gibbs replied, giving both Tony and Ziva a hard glare. The he leaned forward and spoke for DiNozzo's ears only. "You do anything to screw this up with her and you'll be working out of McMurdo for the next decade, DiNozzo."
"Understood, Boss," Tony said instantly, knowing that Gibbs was serious. He also knew that Gibbs would be standing in line waiting for the buzzards to finish with his sorry carcass once Ziva got done with him if that happened. He looked over at Ziva who was sitting at her desk looking at him with that same glare. Then he saw the glare turn into something heated and downright sultry. Hmm. Maybe his Christmas screw up wasn't such a screw up after all. He watched as Ziva stood and walked over to him. "Ziva," he said, a small, nervous smile on his face.
"My apartment, 1900 hours," she told him. She glanced down to just below his waist and smiled. "And The Big D had better be ready to live up to that name all night, My Little Hairy Butt," she informed him and then took her gift, and her belongings out of the bullpen and into the elevator.
"Come with me, Mr. DiNozzo, and I will give you some advice from my vast experience with my Mother, about how to get along with strong willed women," Ducky said as he pulled the unlucky agent along.
"Boss?" Tony asked, hoping to be given an excuse not to have to listen to Ducky for hours.
"Take your time with him, Duck," Gibbs said, an evil grin on his face. "In fact, I'm turning him over to you for the entire afternoon. Call it a Christmas Gift, DiNozzo."
"Thanks, Boss," Tony grumbled. No. This definitely was a screw up and would be until he got to Ziva's apartment. Hopefully she wouldn't kill him off with a heart attack before he got to really enjoy the new exception to Rule 12. And it all started with his knocking down a few presents! Damn!
A/N: I only wanted this as a short one shot to give the highlights of a funny situation where DiNozzo winds up with Ziva, but in Dutch with Gibbs at the same time. I hope you all enjoyed this one. Gregg.