I couldn't handle it, the was a cold and silent night gave me too much thinking space. Thoughts were flooding my head as I lay silently in my bed, my body acing in pain. I could barely live with the thought of Finny hating me, the night he screamed to me to get out of his hospital room. It broke me. I felt weak and helpless as the world spun around me. I couldn't help my longing desire for pain. Only Finny could make me have such irrational thoughts. I hated it. I did not hate Finny though, he was my light, what caused me pain, yet kept me going all at the same time. The thoughts in my head seemed to be hitting the walls of my skull, the pounding feeling in would not go away, no matter how hard I tried. My body was going numb at the thoughts of Finny- no Phineas.
However, all Phineas had to do for me was stay alive, that would be enough.
He can be the only one to keep me going, his smile which was long gone was what helped me. All I had to do was imagine it. To imagine him not hating me. He was an angel, who was once naïve and sweet. While he is still an angel, he now knows about the cruelty of the world, about the cruelty of me. I was a cruel and despicable human being, that deserved what I was getting.
Rumors were spreading around the school: about the trial, about Phineas, about me! I was powerless to stop it all. I wanted to save Phineas from this cruel fate, but it was my stupid actions that had lead to this in the first place. I felt the need to hurl, so of course, I ran to the rest room, and began to let the little food that I had eaten for dinner out of my system. I couldn't help but cough and gag, but no food had slipped out of my mouth. I had already thrown-up all of my dinner. I was so busy in the bathroom that I hadn't heard the door opening. Once I was done with all that my body could handle, I felt woozy. I needed to lay down, however, the moment I turned around my eyes widened. Phineas was standing at the door.
My blood ran cold at the sight of the state he was in. His light brown hair was messy and tangled. It seemed to have grown out a bit, I could tell because his hair had gone down to the nape of his neck instead of it's, originally, high cut style. His bangs were messy and longer than normal. He had bags under his eyes that were not yet hidden by this hair. If he didn't get a haircut soon, his eyes would probably be fully covered. The emerald green eyes that I had once adored were dull and evaded of all life that Phineas had once had. Yet, he still remained devilishly handsome.
By the time I was done studying him, he had moved closer, now right in front of me. I could see the once dull eyes now being converted to anger, fire seemed to burn at the edges. They were now darker in the center and had a deadly bloody texture to them. He still remained muscular though. And I could tell I was in for a world of pain.
Before I knew what was happening Phineas was gone and a acing pain became present around my eye. I was laying back, my hands supporting me up. He had punched me. Right in the eye, and a purple form was shaping around it. I wanted to cry, I needed to cry. So I did. I cried until I had no more tears left in me, until my body had not been able to handle my quick breathing. I was hyperventilating, and I knew I was about to pass out. I felt light headed, and I couldn't stay awake much longer. So I didn't.
When I woke up, I immediately felt out of place. I knew something was off, but it didn't take long for me to figure out. The surface I was laying on was soft, warm, comfortable, and familiar. It was my bed. Thoughts of how I got here immediately flooded my head. Many possibilities sped there way through the road of my mind, crashing into each other every painful second. But one of those seemingly harmless "answers" to my questions stood out amongst the rest.
Did Phineas put me here?
No, I assumed, he wouldn't. I could never be sure though, unless I asked him. I would not though, that would be foolish of me. If I asked him, be would probably give me the silent treatment, or he would just hand me another punch, like he did yesterday. That one action was enough to lead me into the bricks. Like I said; I deserved it though, considering my own action had lead Phineas into bricks. That had to be one of my most foolish actions, if not the most. I was already foolish for thinking that he would even tolerate my existence without putting some effort to make it go away. He wanted me to go away, so I was bound to at sometime. Not now though. I still have a spark of hope left in me, that Phineas would except me once more. It's a stupid and naïve statement, but the small spark would not go away.
Why was I thinking this way? Was it because of Phineas' carefree attitude? Was it because of his random mood swings? I knew he would never except me again, not like he used to! I just couldn't come to except it. I called him a friend and he called me a friend! That was long gone by now. I couldn't wrap my head around why I had so much hope! I was searching through my memories, when a shot of nostalgia hit me. It was the first time I had ever seen Phineas.