Normal voice

Personal in-mind voice

DISCLAIMER! If you thought I owned agents of SHEILD, you should really rethink your existence. Seriously, if I was MARVEL, I wouldn't be making self-insert fanfics, would I? I only own the plotline and Francoise du Burgundy, the rest belongs to Marvel and all other refrences to their rightful owners. I cite the "Fair Use Copyright Law," allowing me to use intellectual property, to a limited extent, without getting prior permission, and without me making ANY money from it. All MARVEL characters are not my own.

Chapter 1: Francois du Burgundy in... Sheild?

I look up at the sky, admiring the calmness before me. I rest and bask in the serenity. Wasn't I supposed to be doing something? As a matter of fact- Where am I? I panic, and hear... a Sheep?

To tell you the story of why I am looking at the sky next to a sheep, I have to take you ALL the way back. Oh yeah. All the way to a week ago.

Doodly doo, gonna get laid... I sat on the couch, listening to a Cyanide and Happiness short. I am wearing my normal jeans (Bit worse for wear, but still in good condition), some brown leather combat boots, a black dress shirt buttoned all the way up, a blazer, and a black trench coat. I blow my chin-length, dark blonde hair from my face, rearranging it to have a swoop on the right side and straight and flat everywhere else. It stops at my grey eyes, supported by my glasses. "I really want ginger hair" I think to myself. I sigh, stand up and put an old black fedora on. I stand nearly 6"7', and am really thin. Like, proper skinny, Matchstick Man so to speak. My socks show above my boots.

I walk across the hardwood floor to the fridge. Normal procedure really, I get bored, open the fridge, and browse, then sit back down. Repeat. Oh god, now I sound depressing...

I look at your point of view. "I bet your thinking, when is the crossover going to begin? Hmm? Well, its about to!" Dad walks in, his bald head a bit shiny. Not awkwardly shiny, not car shiny, not silver shiny, just... Shiny. "Sup dead?"

"Ready to go? Also, did you check the fridge for milk?" Did I forget to mention? We gotta go shopping.

"Yes. We are fine on milk. I can't drink two gallons in one week, especially being lactose intolerant." I found that out the hard way by the way- Looked like Hurricane Katrina went through the toilet, but it was made of my fecal matter and not clouds.

"Well you could, it just wouldn't be clean!"

I imitate Fat Bastard's voice: "I got ah Creap on Dick that could Choke ah Don-Keay!"

We both laugh as we go outside and climb in the car. Its an old yellow Camry, from '09. No, I wont be writing out the full year, I am lazy, deal. Also, enjoying the fourth walls?

When we get to the store (I had grabbed an extra belt and two other cloth straps for the trenchcoat before leaving and stowed them in the pocket) we walked in. We got the normal produce (Like apples- I like apples, Not pears though, never trust a pear.) Upon getting to the meat (Which was in the very back) there was a loud "Boom." Like, ever heard fireworks go off? Well think that, but louder- kinda like the bombs they use to bring down buildings, without any ear protection on.

"What the motherfucking shit?" I yell, unknowingly because I am almost deaf. Dad didn't hear, he just kinda... froze in place. I hadn't noticed, and was running up to the explosion while people were running away. I said aloud, "Well gee, everyone is running away Burgundy, must be a good idea to go TOWARDS what they are running from!" I didn't care though. I was exited!

Up at the front, there was a crater in the floor and a hole in the ceiling. Rubble was all over the place. Some people looked incapacitated, covered in dirt and dust and... Blood? "Ugh... they are uhh... Sleeping! Yeah, just sleeping a bit..." I kinda gag at the thought of them being dead, trying to rationalize against it.

Then I noticed HIM. Some guy in the center of the explosion, completely unharmed, but frozen in place. I walked up, saying "Oh yeah, this is a fantastic idea, nothing could POSSIBLY go wrong!" and poked him. I felt a blow to the back of my head, and then blackness.

Time jump, some white-looking room, unknown when

I slowly open my eyes. Everything is blurry without my glasses. I sit up on.. a bed?.. with a start, and everything spins. I groan, and someone comes over, obviously female from her voice. "Looks like you are awake, Mr..."

"Burgundy. Francoise du Burgundy, but you can just call me France or Frank, Ms..." I trail off.

"Agent May. You got involved in something, and looks like we accidentally picked up the wrong guy."

"So... Any chance I get to know what I was involved in, or is it like, some super secret government agency secret thing that's gonna result in me either having to join or be killed?" I say, with a shit-eating grin and in a joking voice.

"You seem to have hit the nail on the head Mr. Burgundy" some guy said, obviously an older one. He looked around 5"11' to maybe 6"1'.

"Uhh, what do you mean, Mr. Agent..." I trail off again. It seems the first one, May, has her arms crossed and seems extremely... strict. Like McGonnigal strict.

"Coulson. And its Director Coulson."

"Ah... I was joking, you know... Agent Coulson... right..?"

"No."

"Whelp, shit just hit the fan. And not in a good way" I say to your view. Coulson and May don't seem to notice.

"Mr Burgundy, we are going to need you to choose. I think you will probably accept. Will you join SHEILD, or will you become a nameless hobo in Tennessee, or Tallahassee, or Taiwan, or someplace starting with a T?" Coulson said very smoothly.

"Uh... Can I think about this? I mean, number one, this is a LIFE CHANGING decision, and number two, I would like to know who I am working for, and number three, I don't exactly have marketable skills..." I trail off.

"Of course Mr. Burgundy. May and I will go to the bridge. If you need anything, call the number on this" he said as he handed me a... Phone, but not one I've seen before. It was too... Holographic. "It also has all the information a recruit will be allowed to know. Take your time, but I will need to know by the end of the day." They left.

I turn back to your viewpoint. "This shit's gonna have nuts in it!" My shit-eating grin returns.

Time jump- Around 1800 hours, still the strange white room

I hum. And pace. And hum some more.

"Mr. Burgundy?" a guy's voice comes to me.

I turn to face two people, one clearly a guy, and one a young lady... I think? To be honest, I am blind as all hell without my glasses. "Ah, yes, Agents... Brit and ponytail?" I say with an innocent grin. The lady snickers and the guy huffs.

"I am WELSH, thank you very much, and name's Agent Fitz" the guy says again.

"Agent Simmons" the lady pipes in, a... Well, an accent from the British Isles to be sure.

"OOH! Fitzsimmons! Aha!" I wear a shit eating grin again.

"Yes, but you need to add 'agents' before that. Also, Coulson sent us to ascertain your decision." It was the guy, he seemed... off.

"Oh yeah... That bit..." I had read the file. I wanted to join, but felt I wouldn't be USEFUL if I did. "One question. Any clue what I would be doing? I have as many marketable skills as Grumpy Cat."

Simmons snickers again, and Fitz speaks up, "Yeah, you will go through training first, and then you will start on simple things- stakeouts, low-risk raids, etcetera."

"Hmm... Alright." I sigh the most immense sigh anyone could ever have uttered. "I'll do it. Just fair warning, I am more nonathletic than a toddler." Simmons snickers again, and Fitz deadpans.

"Sounds great. Agent Skye will be training you, starting now." Coulson had snuck up behind me while I was talking to Fitzsimmons. Beside him was a very young lady, mabye twenties?

She spoke up. "Nice to meet you, new guy. Lets go to the sparring room." I just nod and follow, but not before I say "It's not new guy, it's Francois du Burgundy, or France. Yeah, France. I'll go with France."

"Nope. Agent Burgundy until you are at my level."

As I am following, I speak. "What is your level?"

"Eight."*

"Well, that'll take a while then..."

"Nah, took me about a year. Wasn't easy, but I made it."

I just stare, grunt and follow.

"here, changing room. You can't fight in that, not yet. At least change everything waist up."

"Ugh, fiiiiine."

I change, and get ready to spar.

A/N: That, Mein Freunds... Ist a Wrap! Heh... Expect chapter two next week. The fourth wall breaking will happen VERY RARELY, IF AT ALL after this chapter. I'll be trying for three to five chapters every week on Saturday. Also, while the physical description of me is a close resemblance, it is not me (You think I would really add me in direct? C'mon son!). Any resemblances to people IRL is PURELY INCIDENTAL!

Tra!