Does anybody really understand what goes on in the mind of a person? Sakura Kinomoto adamantly believes that it's impossible to know anyones true feelings, even if they've assured you of them a thousand times over. After all, words are just words, and only the extremely naïve put faith into them. 'I love you' means nothing. They are just a spoken reassurance. Empty, void of truth. In her world, love does not exist. If you truly loved somebody, then how could you bring yourself to leave them? This is her reasoning behind her 'hatred' of Syaoran. If he had loved her, he would not have left, and if he hadn't left, everything that had occurred since could have been avoided. At only 16 years old, Sakura can honestly say that she has loved and lost. She can also say that she regrets every minute of that love, as it has left her an empty shell of her former cheerful self.
Chapter One
Sakura's Point of View
The bell rang for morning class. Maths. This used to be my worst subject. It seems though, that since I found all of the Clow Cards, and had them reincarnate into 'Sakura Cards', I've excelled in most subjects. I suppose that Syaoran moving back to Hong Kong and Yukito and Touya leaving for college also helped me to keep my focus. To be honest, the only person that's still with me is Tomoyo-chan. Even Kero has gone off, to stay with Eriol in England. He and Spinel have decided to make an ongoing game of their 'rivalry'. I don't even talk to my classmates much anymore. I just sit back and watch as they flutter around me, dealing with their ever-frantic lives. While they talk about pointless things, mainly the Spring Dance, I just sit silently, allowing myself a few minutes to read over the algebra question set in front of me.
Occasionally, my mind wanders, and I can't help but think of everything I've been through and managed to overcome. On numerous occasions, I've actually saved others from death, and on occasion, I've very nearly failed. And yet, the one thing to actually break my spirit was the loss of Syaoran. He left last year, without even warning me or saying goodbye. He hasn't even made an attempt to contact me, and the only news of him that I've had is in brief paragraphs of Meilin-chan's letters. And even those have almost stopped entirely… It's as though the carefree cheerful Sakura Kinomoto of Tomoeda, Japan, no longer even exists. What's worse, is that nobody seems to have noticed her slipping away. I'm beginning to feel that if I were to physically disappear also, nobody would notice, let alone actually care. Even Tomoyo is overly occupied now. She's joined so many out of hours clubs that we barely see each other. Apparently, her love of filming Sakura was based around my childishness and liveliness. As that slipped away, so did our bond.
After school, I avoid going home for as long as possible. My dad, Fujitaka, is also away at the minute, and will be for over a month (missing my 17th birthday). So my family currently consists of only me. No dad, no Touya and no Kero-chan. And no matter how much I change, I can't bear to be alone at home. It just makes all of the memories seem more painful. I even miss being called a 'monster'. It seems so odd with the house being completely empty. Usually dad's conferences and such only take days. This time, though, he was invited on a full-scale excavation, and I told him he should go. Swinging on the swings in Penguin Park, I think of all these things, and can't help but smile and look over at the war-wounded King Penguin, who plays a big part in a majority of my memories. It was on this very swing where I sat and cried and told Syaoran of my declaration to Yukito. In hindsight, I'd never felt as safe, or distracted, as I did when he held me that day. I find it odd now that I was truly too oblivious to see how much he meant to me. The teddy that he made still resides in my bedroom, occupying Kero-chan neglected drawer bed. It's not as if he needs it anymore. He's been gone for several months already. Now that there are no longer any 'strange' happenings, my powers and I have become unnecessary and forgotten.
When I finally do drag myself back home, I feel too hollow to even eat. Chances are, if I were to even try, I'd make myself feel ill. All I can bring myself to do is make my way to my bedroom and flop down on the bed. I manage to pull my bear out of the drawer and shake the dust off of him before snuggling down. He must be feeling more neglected than I have been. After what seems like days of lying there, staring at the ceiling, I find the willpower to close my eyes and lull myself into sleep. This hasn't been an easy task over the past year. Honestly, I think I'm afraid to sleep. Dreams are lost to me now, and all I experience are nightmares. Terrorising realities in my subconscious where I'm made to relive the loss of people I care for. In my opinion, it is more than understandable that I tend to not sleep. Unfortunately, there appears to be nothing I can do but try to keep myself occupied and avoid sleep. I suppose eventually, I'll come to terms with things.
The nightmare strikes again, and I'm left yelling for those that I love as a bridge crumbles away from beneath them. I scream and scream, but no sound is emitted from my lips. It's as though everything is falling away, and all i can do is stand and watch as I'm left alone in the rubble filled aftermath, silently waiting to disappear. There is nothing i can do. I can't even steer the direction of my own life. Everything is fading, and I'm completely powerless to stop it. I always have been.