I AM RELOADING THE THING WITH SOME MINOR CHANGES AND HUGE GRAMMAR CHECK.

PLEASE ENJOY.

Yukimura looked at his hands, both weak and unmoveable. What the hell is happening? His vision getting blurry and his legs won't move. He tried to move his legs forward but it won't move. It's like suddenly his body refuses to listen what his brain said. And he fell to the ground, face first. People looked at him, but he couldn't care less. He was still trying moving his own lips. And he failed.

His mind was blank. What happened? Why can't I bloody move my own body?

He could hear his name shouted and called by his team mates, all sounded worried. I am fine! He shouted inside his head. I am perfectly fine! It's just I couldn't move… my whole body, even a damn single finger.

"Yukimura- buchou! Hang on there!"

He could hear Marui tried to assure himself that his buchou is fine by telling Yukimura to hang on. I am fine, bloody hell! I am really fine! It's just I couldn't move… at all…

And in the heat of panic, Sanada pulled Yukimura from the cold pathway and bring him in princess-style. Everybody was so panicked that they ignored the details which usually will be the hot topic of gossip for months in Rikkai. All they wanted was just to make sure their dear buchou was fine.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"…what the hell is this?"

"We couldn't make it without buchou!"

"Why is this happening now?"

"Now, of all time?!"

"please be quiet." A sudden cold voice immediately cut all of other voices off. The whole members were silenced following their subconscious obedience to the blue haired guy. Yukimura voice is their God's voice; they must always obey their buchou's order. Akaya was sitting on his buchou's feet, head on his lap, acting submissive and meek. Yukimura smiled and tried to move his hand to pat his kouhai's head. But the hand couldn't move as graceful as he wanted; it just lifts barely a bit from its resting place. Akaya wasn't that sensitive, but he realized that his buchou was trying to pat his head, which was in vain. Akaya felt obliged to grab it and touched it to his head. Yukimura smiled and felt thankful for his kouhai's understanding. But he felt pathetic at the same time.

"Thank you, Akaya. I am really sorry. I know this is so sudden and so unreasonable. I didn't know that this could happen now. I never know I will have this disease. I feel useless now, but I am sure… all of you will be ok and bring Rikkai for national, will you?"

His tone was soft but cold. Silent filled the air. Every regular member in the room could feel the mixed feelings behind those words—Yukimura himself is the one taking the hardest impact of the situation and that they have no excuse of loosing the match against Seigaku this time. But they were determined and they have the confidence that they will win. They are the Rikkai afterall.

"We will win; we are the emperor." Sanada closed the conversation.

They were dismissed after that. Everyone leaves the room, leaving Sanada as the last person in the room with Yukimura. Sanada spoke softly to the disabled blue haired beauty on the bed.

"Rest well, Yukimura."

"… Will you leave me too?" the sudden soft whisper he didn't expect surprised Sanada Genichiou.

"huh?"

"Will you… stay with me?"

"The visiting hour is almost ended…"

"Don't leave me alone, Sanada. I beg you… I am scared." Yukimura looked at Sanada; signalling Sanada not to go through the door; whispering inaudible plead to be with him tonight in the hospital bed.

Sanada looked at him and at the door. He was frozen, torn between leaving and staying. In the end, Sanada choose to close the door behind him.

Yukimura looked at the closed door, unbelievingly. He felt rejected. He was quite confident that Sanada will stay with him. He even begged Sanada to stay. His usual fukubuchou will always listen to his every whim. But now he is the invalid boy; not their strongest buchou anymore. But now he is no longer the child of God, he is no longer their invincible buchou. And Sanada would not waste his time for an invalid person.

Yukimura's family failed to come over. No, actually they don't want to come. His immediate family never even care about his condition. He lives alone in the small flat near Rikkai. His whole family stays overseas, migrated from last 5 years. They never contacted him—it was just out of obligation that Yukimura sent an email talking about his current condition once a week to his mother's email account. It was never replied. He suspected that the email address itself is already inactive. He doesn't really care since it has started since he was young; since he was born. He told himself he should be happy since he could be free and never have anybody to control his life. He was fine as Sanada was almost always beside him and taking care the other Rikkai regular members had always busied his mind. At one point, tennis has been his goal in life. He was glad he entered Rikkai and meet the whole club members. They always played to his place, they filled it with laughter and life, and Sanada often stayed in his place, just to spend the night together. In tennis he found something he never had—control, friend, reputation and awe. But now, as Sanada closed the door, he realized everything. He is nothing without tennis. He has nothing to turn to. He has lost his ability to play tennis, he has lost control on his own body and he has lost the respect from his fellow members. He is currently worthless.

Worthless. That's why they left him in the flat, alone.

"sorry, it took along time to make them return safely home."

Yukimura looked up and saw Sanada standing before the door, sweats on his face.

"And I got some strawberry milk for you, your favourite."

Yukimura looked disbelievingly at his fukubuchou. "why… are you here?" He asked in small voice.

"Didn't you want me to stay?"

His fukubuchou took another step and placed the milk carton on the table. "Please cheer up. Drink this, this will make you better. I promise I will come here everyday."

"A…" Yukimura couldn't believe his eyes. "..ahaha…ha…" he was laughing heartlessly and tears fell down his cheek. He felt pathetic. Being melodramatic for a moment when actually… he is being loved by someone.

"Why… are you crying?"

Sanada wiped the tears with his hands. The soft skin of Yukimura never cease his amazement. Seeing yukimura so weak that he couldn't even wipe his own tears makes him wanted to protect this delicate person forever. However, realizing it were dirty, Sanada quickly retreat his hands. Yukimura shouted involuntarily. "Stop!"

"Stop? I am sorry, my hands are dirty…"

"I don't care… please, touch me, Gen. please… I like it."

Sanada blushed. It was a rare thing his buchou became this meek. He wasn't really sure he liked it or not, but Yukimura now is so fragile and in the verge of breakdown. Yukimura in this bed is not the usual strong, scary and charismatic leader of Rikkai anymore, he has become the lonely, scared and insecure child whom he met first time when they made their first love.

"I won't go anywhere. I wouldn't leave you."

Sanada gently kissed Yukimura forehead. Yukimura looked like he is struggling; he tried to move his hand to catch Sanada, but in vain. He couldn't even shed his own tears.

"Sorry… I know you don't like the weak me. Sorry. I don't like this weak me either. Sorry." Yukimura apologized over and over like he has done the worst mistake in his life. Sanada felt his chest stung. It's not Yukimura's fault he sick.

"hush, it's fine, it's not your fault. Just rest and you can get your old self back."

"… thank you." Yukimura smiled sadly. Somehow a mixed feeling filled his mind. He knew and thankful that Sanada was trying to cheer him up. But the way he said that made Yukimura wondered about how actually what Sanada loves is his mask; the mask of the strong and God-like buchou. In retrospective, Sanada never really looked at him when he was feeling weak—especially after making out. Sanada refused to look at him after they finished their sessions. Maybe 'Old self' that Sanada means is the whole key. Nobody need him as a poor child, everybody needs him as the invincible leader. There is no place for weaknesses, and for that, Yukimura found he was actually alone although Sanada's hand was clutching on his palm.

"Your hands are cold. Do you want me to increase the heater temperature?"

"I am fine, Sanada. Just leave and go home. Make sure you do the best tomorrow and I will not tolerate any mistake for tomorrow tournament."

Sanada was quite surprised to hear the cold and strict buchou's voice. He hadn't see that coming, as Yukimura in front of him was now laying weakly and looked serene. In his mind, he suddenly realized that Yukimura is his buchou, not a damsel in distress. He was delusioned to think that his buchou needs him. He was almost ready to support Yukimura if he cries again, but it seems that Yukimura didn't want it. It will be an insult if he tried to console Yukimura too, so…

"Ok. I will be leaving now."

With that, Yukimura and Sanada lost their last chance to communicate honesty.

~*~*~*~~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"You what?" Yukimura couldn't believe his own ears.

"We lost. Sorry."

"GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!! DON'T MENTION TENNIS TO ME ANYMORE!!!"

By that, Yukimura cut all chance of excuses from his fellow club members. Everybody was waiting in front of the room, head down; each realized their faults and failure. Even without the usual punishment, reality has slapped them in face harder than usual. They haven't lost since so long time ago—this lose is a slap in the face, a warning against their overconfident-ego. Nobody dares to speak out, as they also known what happened with Yukimura—that he couldn't play tennis anymore. The doctors just told him that he just couldn't play back even if he wanted that.

Yukimura closed his eyes, and shouted. The voice seems really pitiful, like a wounded wolf.

The whole situation was purely devastating. They are used to have been called the emperor of the junior high school for two consecutive years, having the perfect member; having their own strength and being lead by the Child of God. The pride, the self confidence, everything collapsed in just one particular match.

Yukimura clench his fist as tight as he can, body weak after operation and heart shouted for fairness in fate. It's not fair—they have been doing some crazy practice—and considering their own potentials… why everything should go now? Why he must down with this ridiculous disease which made them loose the place that should have been theirs. To Seigaku, even. They were just small fries two years ago!

Why is he this wretched? Why is he so ridiculous? Why is everything always going against him? Why is it happening now, of all time? Why is he…

Why all of this is his fault?

Nobody dared to come to his room anymore. Nobody visit him anymore; out of guilt and shame. Everybody helped him when he was released from hospital, but they didn't even make effort to congratulate him. Yukimura bitterly received the treatment. He felt that everything was his fault and he deserved it.

He was lonely and determined. He wouldn't loose. He has to give everything he has on his next and last chance. He was only released from hospital for barely 2 days when he started his usual regime—20 laps morning and evening, match against the wall, against the regulars and heavy portion of fitness. It was a crazy thing to do, even all the doctors ultimatum him to stop. But he knows he need to keep his promise and as nobody was there to control him—his team mates were too obedience to warn him and his family was off the picture—he continued to stretch himself all out.

Sanada watched as their leader and his lover running around the courts. His face focused, he didn't even care about the crazy amount of sweats coming out from his body or how pale his face was. Drenched in sweats, he looked stunningly sexy. Not that Sanada dare to say anything. For the past few weeks, their relationship has changed to worse. Yukimura seldom called him anymore; their hearts were separated further from what they used to be. They were restraining themselves from body contact as it is bad for Yukimura's health and distracting his practice. But usually they will still spend the time together in Yukimura's flat, just watching tennis video or cuddling against each other. Sanada has customised himself to Yukimura's hard and perfectionist personality, his habits and feelings, and secretly proud to be the only one who know what the Child of God feels like in bed, clinging to him, eyes seductively flutter with ecstasy. Honestly, Sanada missed all that. After he was released, Yukimura never called him anymore; their relationship seemed to be halted into postponed mode. Yukimura was acting like they just a regular friend, and what hurts the most was Yukimura started to avoid him and just before the practice yesterday, Yukimura returned him all his clothes and mug in a plain cardboard.

"Sanada, I think these things… just mess my flat. I think you should get it back."

"Yukimura!"

"Buchou! Fukubuchou! The morning practice should start now!" Akaya called them from the changing room, as the whole member was ready on the court.

Their lost was the trigger. Their leader's sudden illness and the will to regain their pride motivated them. And the picture of their buchou practicing like hell, more than them; make them felt ashamed with themselves.

Yukimura sighed. "It's buchou for you now." With that, he left. "All of you, 25 laps now!" Sanada could hear Yukimura's voice through the morning air. Sanada couldn't move; he was too stunned to even put the cardboard inside his locker.

"Is this… how we; no. You; say goodbye? What's wrong with us?" Sanada asked pleadingly to Yukimura, who clearly avoiding him now.

"… I am sorry. We are not compatible. Just that." He whispered coldly and left to practice with Akaya.

Throughout the practice, school and practice again that day, Sanada was inside his head. He was auto-piloting while his mind was simply busy thinking and searching for a valid reason.

Why in the world Yukimura wanted to shut him out? Why the hell they need to break up? Nothing was wrong. He has done nothing wrong to induce Yukimura's wrath. Well, except those looses and his illness, but…

Then an idea came to his mind the day after. No, it's a suggestion. Better even, it's a fact.

Yukimura was fed up with him because he lost to Seigaku.

It is understandable. Yukimura is a perfectionist and he brought everything to perfection. He doesn't need a loser. He need everything to be perfect. He didn't need an undependable partner. He is perfect in every single way and he expected Sanada to be one too.

He wasn't enough for Yukimura. He isn't worthy of Yukimura's love. He should be more… more… and more…

____________________________

The week practices were very different from usual. Tense atmosphere filled Rikkai's tnnis courts. The whole team was scared and motivated by their two leaders who look like they are determined to work themselves to death. Yukimura looked pale as he struggled for his last lap. He tried to keep cool, but his head was giving away. He hated all of this. Since when he become this weak?

The next minute, he fallen to the ground, luckily caught in time by Sanada who was following closely behind him. Sanada sighed as he tried to lift his ex-lover. Since when he became this light? Sanada knew perfectly why Yukimura fainted. Yukimura hated to run behind anybody; he always want to be ahead of someone. And he pushed himself to run faster than Sanada. Of course it is ridiculous since Sanada clearly have better stamina and speed. Sanada, knew by habit after spending two years with Yukimura, understood that Yukimura's habits are all driven by same feeling; insecurity.

While Yukimura was tken away by their fukubuchou, the other members gathered to exchanged gossip as usual. "What happened between them?" Marui whispered to Niou. "They didn't even speak to each other since last week."

"Some petty fight?"

"They broke up?"

"Well, I dunno." Niou looked suspiciously at Sanada who was carrying Yukimura princess style to the clinic. He did suspect something was off between their 'parents'.

It was a universal secret that their buchou and fukubuchou were going out. All the club members, well at least the regulars, knew and always gave them some time together. But since last week, both of them appeared to avoid each other and they didn't even talk—funny, when they used to stare at each other's eyes so deeply and acted like two lovebird under the morning sun.

"Maybe Sanada was too harsh and hurt Yukimura and Yukimura didn't like it and they fight?" Jackal asked in small voice. Marui and Niou nodded. "That's a possibility."

"Hey, what happen? Tell me!" Akaya asked his sempai-tachi.

"Not a child's business." In unison, three of them answered. Akaya turned red in the eye and challenged them for a tennis match. He hated being treated like a child while he is actually one. The situation was in chaos for a while but since neither buchou nor fukubuchou was there, nobody cared to stop them (well, Renji and Yagyuu were chatting about the weather while walking behind, pretending they didn't notice the chaotic situation).

~*~*~~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*

He tried to grasp them. But they always moved away without him. His mother looked at him so cold like he is a filthy burden while his father even refused to look at him. His grandfather was the only one who smiled and patted him on the head, but he knew that he was the sole reason his grandfather need to go to hospital every single week. He is the reason why his grandparents suffered from hypertension. He was the source of their stress. He was a burden. He is still the burden. He was an outcast. He didn't deserve to live. He was… he was alone.

Yukimura opened his eyes. Such a dream, he has long forgotten. He used to have it when he was younger, but since he has successfully blocked them away 2 years ago, he almost forgotten the dream. It doesn't count as nightmare as it was telling the truth. He didn't have a family to go home to and neither of his parents on the paper acknowledge him as their son.

"Yukimura, are you awake?"

"Sa…Sanada…?"

"You fainted this morning. Are you eating properly? I know you always skip meal everytime there is nobody to warn you."

"I hate to cook and I don't feel like eating."

"I beg you, you just out from the hospital. Don't make a chance for the disease to relapse!"

"I won't. it's just a mistake. I won't faint again."

"You don't say fainting as a mistake! It's the sign that you are pushing yourself too hard! Yukimura, listen to your common sense!"

"I have perfectly working sense, thank you very much."

"Don't you 'thank you' ing me now! Don't you understand that taking care of your own body is one of primary duty as an athlete?"

"Why are you so annoying now, Sanada? We have promise that we will win this time. I have no intention to break my promises. I will not let our team loose to Seigaku and I won't fall sick again."

"Yukimura…" Sanada hold Yukimura's hand in his tightly. "what I asked wasn't this."

"then what??? Aren't you guys the one who wanted the strong leader so that we can win again? Do you forget our ultimate goal? Don't be soft so sudden! It's weird!"

"I don't want to see you back in hospital just for a petty victory! Sometimes there is something that is better than winning!"

"Wasn't it just a lie? You only care when I am the good leader, right? I am trying here, so let me be one!"

"Yukimura, don't be stupid. Listen…"

"Who cares whether I eat or not? Who cares whether I was sick or not? Nobody complain as long as I am perfect, ain't them? If we win, wouldn't it be nice? We can be the emperor again. So shut up and let me be alone!"

"… I want to, but I can't."

"What? Why can't? Everybody was more than happy to leave me alone!" His family did that so perfect! Yukimura added it in his heart.

"I am not everybody. Well, I know you said we were finished, but I still care… for you."

Yukimura couldn't believe his ears. He stared at Sanada as though he was crazy. That was the first time somebody said they care… and it touched his heart. He couldn't control his body shaking, while tears running down his cheek.

"Really? You care? About me?"

"I do. I always do." Sanada kissed away Yukimura's tears. Yukimura pushed him aside.

"Liar. You said you wanted the old 'buchou' back. Not me."

"I wanted you, all of you."

"You don't know all of me."

"I do. Well, not all, but I think I do."

"I know you hate this weak me. I know you only wanted to see the 'Child of God Yukimura'."

"I don't know what make you so denial and scared like this. This insecurity… we have been together for a year, for goodness' sake! I know I don't feel familiar with this weak side of yours but if you don't let me see, tell me what you feel, how do you expect me to understand?"

Sanada, not used to give speech more than necessary, was at loss of words. He didn't know he could shout at Yukimura and spoke those cheesy words either. And he just realized that he was speaking in loudspeaker-manner… How will his buchou reacts? Yukimura was starring at Sanada deeply. He looked like he was trying to suppress some emotions as well as receiving the fact that Sanada really care about him. Sanada felt like he is in the edge of a cliff. Suddenly, Yukimura chuckled.

"You are amazed yourself, aren't you?"

"huh?" Sanada turned bright red.

"You can talk that LOUD and TACKY to your buchou."

"I…I don't mean…"

"Thank you, by the way. As your lover… I am so happy. Ex-lover… I mean."

"…I never think of us as finished. Not yet."

After a while, Yukimura whispered, "… will you take me in again?"

"the pleasure is mine." Sanada smiled while caressing Yukimura's bright red cheek. Sanada felt a huge wave of relief and longing. How long has he missed this soft skin, and this cute blushing face? He could have took Yukimura now and then, but since it was inappropriate to do anything 'mature' rated in school, he kept his cool and took back his palms. Yukimura seemed like he didn't want Sanada's hand to stop, but he regain composure after a few seconds.

"well, we should get going. I insist to take you back." Sanada stood up and walked to open the curtain when suddenly noises came from behind it. He was suspicious and quickly opened the curtain. He found Marui, on top of Yagyuu, on top of Akaya, on top of Niou, on top of Jackal were hiding behind it. They were struggling to run away, but jumbled in the middle of action. Only Renji has succeeded to run from the dangerous situation.

"What… ARE YOU DOING?"

"We were worried about Yukimura buchou." Niou smiled sheepishly, using the 'good team mates worries about each other' reason to seek the chance of forgiving fukubuchou. But Yukimura caught him first. "Oh, I didn't know you were so attentive to me, Niou-kun. Thank you. If you worry about me, how about a nice trip to the change room and help me clean the whole place? It will be a great help for me."

"Bu..Buchou… it's already dark, can I do it tomorrow…?"

"Do you want another chore of cleaning the whole tennis court?"

"No! No! I am sorry, I will go straight!"

"and all of you might as well as go and help him." Yukimura smiled so sweet at the rest of the people who were all on the floor. They nodded and went straight after Niou. Sanada sighed. "I am always in awe of your ability to scare them with a smile."

"… do you hate or like me smile?"

"of course I love it."

"Cheesy line again. you are getting good at this, aren't you, Sanada?"

"Genichirou for you. I am not cheesy. I am honest."

Sanada gave Yukimura a quick kiss on the lips before pulled him to the door.

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