Yo! Tre seventh fic in my Death Note series!! -proud-...by the way, in the new Narnia movie, Edmond really is mildly atractive, Peter's an arrogant bastard, Susan is rather whoreish and Lucy is too nice, so yeah...
Disclaimer: Death Note and The Chronicles of Narnia do not belong to me, but I'm working on getting a patent for that slow-motion tie, so soon it will belong to me.
Draco Malfoy...Rejected!
This is the story of a young bounty hunter (or perhaps huntress?...Who knows) with slightly gravity defying black hair and blue eyes. On this particular August afternoon, she was not clad in a normal bounty hunting outfit, but in a T-shirt, gray hoodie, and a sweatpants/jeans hybrid. They save a lot of money on gas, you know.
On this particular August afternoon, there was a weak-dead human body lying in the field about four hundred yards away, but nobody was really caring to notice it.
Contrary to popular thirty-second-ago assumptions, the bounty hunter (or huntress) was not Sera Nakamura, nor a very, very lazy version of Lara Croft. The woman was, in fact, Eve Berglund, and one of the reasons she was dressed so lazily was that she was three months pregnant, and beginning to let herself go.
How she came to be three months pregnant is a very interesting story. You see, five months previously, she had left the dinner table with a new friend by the name of Draco Malfoy. One thing led to another, and, BOOM, pregnancy. And she didn't even have to rub any bald men to do it, either! Okay, maybe it's not that interesting, but that's not the point.
So, the 'Shower' in this fan fiction's old title does not refer to the thing Vincent Green desperately needed to do before he died, neither to what it's been doing outside while I've been writing this. It refers to Eve's baby shower.
Oh, and just so you know, another reason for Eve's appearance was the fact that she was fraternal twins with a certain detective known mostly as L.
"Seriously!" Expressed a shell shocked Sera Nakamura. "I had no idea...this is almost insulting, you know."
"Yeah, there was this accident involving a contraceptive, a weasel, and some matches..." Acknowledged Eve.
"Why didn't you tell us before?" Touta Matsuda put in.
"Because L didn't want everyone to know he had an older twin sister." Eve explained with a glint in her eye. "Plus, I didn't feel like it."
"Only five minutes!" L's majestic voice boomed down from the heavens, even though he was only standing menacingly behind Matsuda. "Five bloody minutes!!"
Watari, who'd recently been forbidden from cooking, smiled a cozy smile and imagined L's career as a TV announcer.
'And tonight on TBS...We're changing the name of our station. Again.'
The summer breeze suddenly gusted an especially dramatic gust of wind, forcing everyone at the shower to wonder what they would look like if they did a sexy hair flip right about now. Matsuda's red silk tie was one of them.
Time abruptly slowed down as Matsuda's accessory lapsed into a sloth like sort of dance, flipping and flapping with the breeze. It was quite remarkable.
"Uh...Matsu..." Sera started in wonder.
"Yes?" Matsuda almost whispered, focused on his tie's beautiful performance.
"Why is you tie flapping in slow motion?"
"It a feature." Matsu sang in reply. "Cool, eh? Expensive too."
It was at that point that Sera went looking for some booze.
It should be noted at this time that Matsuda did propose to his girlfriend five months before at the Wammy's House after an incident involving human meat pies, however, they decided not to get engaged. Their reasoning was that it was much more interesting to pretend not to be committed even thought you actually were, then get married and have to pretend to be committed after a short while. The latter includes symptoms such as messy divorce, changes in sexual orientation, and being forced to go to a strip club every Thursday night even though you told your wife you were going bowling with buddies.
Anyway, back at the baby shower, half an hour went by with no incident. Matsuda spent half that time gaping at his tie, and the rest trying to figure out how to turn the thing off. This rather upset the tie, as it thought it deserved better. Sera got herself splendidly drunk.
Eve and Draco pondered over what to name their baby girl (as that's what it was). Eve was fixated on the name Quillsh, but Sera thought she should pick a more normal name like Whiskey or Vodka.
So, as I've said, thirty minutes went by with the only incident being Sera's splendid drunkenness. Right before the half-hour of unincidence was up, Sera pulled a plushie of the shinigami Ryuk out of nowhere and began trying to break bottles with his head for no discernible reason. The first time it worked. The second time one of his eyes fell off.
Suddenly, five young warriors rushed into view, each of them tripping on the dead body four hundred yards away. Trailing behind them was the real Ryuk and Vincent Green's ghost. His clothes were in tatters and his hair greasy and unshowered.
"Come on, I know I saw Aslan! I know it!" Cried Queen Lucy.
"Don't worry, Lu. I believe you." Assured the now mildly attractive King Edmund.
"I'm being an arrogant bastard today, so I don't!" Announced High King Peter.
"Does anyone else think my boobs are bigger in this movie?" Asked Queen Susan.
"Well, for the end-of-the-movie's sake, I guess I have to." Replied Prince Caspian in his stupid Spanish accent.
"Where the hell is that Eve?" Muttered Vincent's ghost.
Ryuk chuckled. "Now this is interesting!"
"Oh my god!" Exclaimed Eve. "Prince Caspian is so hot..."
The group of royals stopped rushing to where ever they were going. "What are you all doing here?" Peter asked in an arrogant tone. "If you didn't already know, we're in the middle of a war with the Telmarines!"
Matsuda ripped off his tie in annoyance. "I knew Narnia wasn't a good place for a baby shower..." The red tie glared at him in contempt.
Eve was gaping at Prince Caspian. "...I...love you!"
Sera, who was still intoxicated, gave Eve a strange, lopsided look. "But Spicy..."
"Yes Kittypon?" Eve replied distantly.
"Wait. Who are we talking about?" Asked Matsuda.
"Actually no. What I was going to say was..." Continued Sera/Kittypon. "What about Malfoy?"
Eve stared continuously at the over-tanned Prince. "Oh, he's old news."
Vincent Green's ghost sighed in relief. "Good, cause there was no way I was going to let you be in a relationship with such a ferretty person!"
Wow Vincent." Proclaimed Sera. "You really should've had a shower before you died!"
"Oh, shut it!" Huffed Vincent. "I'm going back to hell..." He then disappeared.
Ryuk laughed.
Out into the field bounded a giant talking elephant. He stepped right on the dead body, and it made gross squashing sounds under his large foot.
"Didn't we tell the army to hang back?" Mused Edmund.
"Someone didn't get the memo..." Matsuda stated nervously.
Ryuk laughed.
He was also going to say something about how interesting humans were, but as he was opening his large mouth, the elephant stepped right on his back, and Ryuk's eyes literally popped out of his skull.
This time, Ryuk didn't laugh.
Two weeks later, back on Earth, Draco Malfoy, now single, was trying to convince Harry Potter that they were meant to be together. It was successful quickly, and once the two went to Canada to get married, Harry also convinced Ron Weasley that Hermione Granger was a whore and that there were tons of fan girls out there that liked him a lot more that she did.
This also was hugely successful, and once Hermione came to realize that not a large group of men actually appreciated her existence, she eventually committed suicide.
She was buried next to Misa Amane in the 'So Annoyingly Annoying It's Just Annoying!' category in some cemetery somewhere. Sakura Haruno from Naruto and Sara Sidle from CSI are also resting there, not receiving any flowers.
Eve and Caspian started dating, but no one was sure how long it would last for a large number of reasons I don't have the time or motivation to list. Eventually, I think they came up with a name for Eve's daughter, but the mother was in a permanent state of disappointment, as the name was not Quillsh Wammy. Then again, the whole world is probably better off when there's only one person with a name that ridiculous.
The day after the shower, Sera woke up with the mother of all hangovers. In an attempt to get revenge on Matsuda, the silk tie hit her repeatedly in the head, but this attempt was foiled when Matsuda's belt came in the room and repeatedly beat the tie until it could no longer be identified.
Sera and Matsuda agreed never to buy slow motion accessories ever again.
Three weeks after Eve's baby shower, Ryuk sued Peanut, the giant talking elephant, for assault.
A young Japanese man named Teru Mikami was the attorney prosecuting Peanut, and he'd rolled his eyes probably fifty times throughout the case.
"I wonder what life would be like if I was being used by a mass murderer out to take over the world..." He would often wonder.
It would suck eggs, trust me!
Well...in the next fic: Enough MelloxMatt yaoi to make even the most hardcore fangirl annoyed, a new character and a LOT of green goo oozing.
I shall now commence my daily pity party of Teru Mikami -zones out-
Now, go into the search bar and type Fanfiction's breakfast...it's the prequel to A Party NOT To Be Remembered and was written before the next fic, so READ IT FIRST!!