Inspired by the many fanfictions I have read on the subject of what really went on during those four years Zack and Cloud were in the lab under Shinra Mansion. And also inspired by my need for an angst outlet. Poor Cloud…
It had been a year, and now, in addition to the daily dosage of Jenova cells, Hojo had taken the liberty of drawing out Cloud's blood and splicing the S. cells together with those in the blood sample until they were compatible. Now having accomplished this scientific breakthrough, he continuously injected Cloud with those as well.
Some days were better than others, but the comparison was like that of comparing one shade of grey to another. The days blurred together even more so now for Cloud. It didn't matter if they were splicing cells or doing tests, it was all the same endless torture that he couldn't escape. Zack always fussed over Cloud, making sure he slept and was warm enough, or that when he had a fever he didn't come crashing down afterward. Zack sometimes had to remind Cloud to slow down and rest and to remember that he wasn't a mindless automaton though he felt like one. Perhaps Hojo didn't need torture or tests to make them break. Maybe all it took to lose their sense of self was a routine melancholy enough to ease them into forgetting that there could be anything else other then the endless string of sameness.
The Jenova cells were having a greater effect on Cloud then he would have liked to admit. It wasn't just Jenova's constant presence in his mind, it was the way he was pushed into transforming into someone he was not. He cursed that deafening influence, the way it caused him to lose control. Hojo was delighted in Cloud's often unprovoked outbursts, and that merely added fuel to the raging fire burning deep inside Cloud's soul. He was Cloud! Not some alien that had no right to infringe his mind! He had a right to be who he was, and every time Jenova twisted her way into control, the hate and resentment burned like acid in Cloud's mind.
He directed his anger to anyone he could lash out at. He cursed Jenova all the way to the mako tanks, and uttered well-worn threats of vengeance at Hojo through the tests. With no exception, Cloud attacked the guards verbally or physically, whatever could be managed at the moment. It didn't matter to him who the receiver of his wrath was. He was mad and needed someone to blame. Though in the quiet moments at night with the frigid air curling around his face and settling under his skin, he couldn't keep the thought from coming that maybe, maybe his anger was just another cover to hide the fear embedded too deeply in him to be uprooted.
It was another such day of tests that Cloud couldn't even remember doing, another dose of mako, another injection of cells – he didn't care which, knowing only that they weren't his. He was tired, the feeling too common to be real anymore, and just wanted to go to bed. Even his tireless cursings had faded out from exhaustion. Besides, there was nothing more he could think to say. It didn't matter what he said to anyone anyway; nothing was ever going to change.
The guards dropped him off at his cell like a package delivered, and Cloud tromped inside with no resistance. Zack was already inside waiting for his return. That ever present grin even in the throes of fatigue shined through the dusky light of their cell. Cloud turned away from it, barely acknowledging that he existed.
"Heya, Cloud," Zack greeted, obviously dampened by Cloud's dour mood.
"Hng," Cloud grunted in acknowledgement, the timbre of his voice lacking emotion.
Zack leaned forward on his cot, perturbed. "Something happen, Spikey?" He watched Cloud flop lifelessly on his bed across the room.
Cloud blankly stared at the ceiling, waging a war inside him he didn't know was there. The frustration and coiled tension coupled with mounds of fear rose to the surface, and he blinked at the surprise that Jenova, for once, wasn't rising with it. It was just him and his pitiless emotions.
"Spike?" Zack reached out with his voice, pulling Cloud back. But he didn't want to come back.
"What?" he snapped, hoping Zack would get the message and leave him to his thoughts. How long had it been since he could feel the tingle of anger and the cold pit of fear in his stomach without Jenova vying for control? How long since he felt he was truly his own person? Too long.
The shuffle of footsteps prowled across the room. "Cloud? Are you okay?"
Cloud didn't know what to feel. He had been struggling for so long to hold onto his identity that now that he was free to express it, he wasn't sure how he really felt about the situation he was in. "I'm fine," he said coolly. Inwardly he flinched. There was Jenova. He could feel her waking inside him, but he pressed her back quickly, stomping her flat before she had a chance to rise up.
Zack was not easily placated. He too caught the grainy edge to Cloud's voice. Coming over to Cloud's bedside Zack searched his eyes for the telltale signs of Jenova inhabitation, but the serpentine slits were absent, and instead Zack was met with a raw angry glower. "Spike?"
The anger bubbled inside him, threatening to burst. Cloud didn't consciously choose the anger over fear, but anger was more easily handled then the fear that would always be present as long as they remained in the lab, and he was certainly not happy about their current situation. What was he supposed to feel?
Zack called his name again, the inflection of his voice unknowingly egging Cloud on down his aggressive track.
"Leave me alone, Zack," Cloud growled and turned over to avoid the concerned gaze.
Zack slumped down onto the edge of the cot, the mattress sagging under his muscular weight. "What's got you in such a mood?"
Cloud laid his head on his arm and stared viciously at the wall as though daring it to blink. "Why would you care?"
"'Cause I'm your friend," Zack replied as though the answer was obvious.
"Hmph," Cloud scoffed. He was seething with madness burning at his heart. He just wanted to let it out, let loose and lash out, but somewhere his subconscious whispered that of all people, Zack was not the one that deserved such a philippic from him. But he didn't want to listen to reason right now…that was it. He didn't want to let go of his anger. If that was the case, it was going to come out one way or another – that much he knew.
"Did they do something to you today?" Zack looked him over. "I'm serious. Something's up."
They do things to me every day, but that doesn't mean I can't have my own emotions, that I can't feel, that I'm not still me. Cloud thought bitterly, but instead what came out was, "Ever thought that maybe this has nothing to do with their experiments?" Cloud snapped and turned over to confront Zack face on. He wasn't even sure where he was going with this. In his mind he had thought that all his resentment had filtered down from the experiments and trying to retain his identity. Where had this outburst come from?
Zack furrowed his eyebrows and watched as Cloud sat up swiftly.
Letting his emotions do the talking, Cloud let himself go. The words came tumbling out into each other like a river of rapids crashing together before resolving into something completely new. "Zack, I hate it here. I can't do this anymore. Every day I have to fight to stay who I am, but that's not what gets me. Every time they pull me out of here I just keep thinking that I wouldn't be here if I had never come to Nibelheim in the first place, if I had never joined ShinRa, never met Sephiroth, never met…"
Cloud froze. The last word hung in the air like the final piece to a puzzle that displayed a picture he had wanted to see for a long time, but now that it was nearly complete he shoved it off the table, not wanting to look at it, and the word hanging on his lips died away before betraying him. The anger washed away, and in the back of his mind he grimaced. Jenova had nothing to do with it this time, and he was still a failure. He had failed to be the loyal friend Zack needed to help pull him through each treacherous day. Even now Cloud could see the sadness on his friend's face pulling down the corners of his mouth, an ancient look shading his expression as though the words were nothing new to him, and as though he spent hours wondering the same thing and blaming himself for it. If I had never met…you.
Cloud opened his mouth, but Zack stopped him with a voice much older than him, "Don't say it," he halted the apology. "You're right. You'd probably be better off not knowing me."
Cloud needed a distraction from his mounting guilt. He even wished a Jenova episode on himself to blind him from his feelings, but she seemed to enjoy watching him flounder and fail, again. He always failed. It didn't matter what it was, he always failed and had to pick up the pieces, always hoping he could make something of the shards of failures and shape it into something of a life for himself, but it didn't matter. He only ever made things worse. If it weren't for him, Zack would probably be out of the lab by now, might not have even gotten into it in the first place. What was he blaming Zack for when he had his own line of guilt to make up for?
Cloud felt the heavy weight rise from the edge of his cot, but he didn't look over to watch his friend cross the room, cross the unspoken barrier of communication. This was bigger than words. Some things just couldn't ever be fixed.
The next two days they were pressed hard on tests, which for once, Cloud was grateful for. It meant that there was no time for words to pass between himself and Zack. The sad tension hung between them as they converged in the cell at night, and Zack had even left Cloud to shiver by himself on his own cot, but Cloud didn't need to ask why.
It was during a treadmill run that the silent stalemate was broken, although not the way Cloud had hoped. Treadmill runs were the hardest, probably because they were the longest, and Hojo had a nasty habit of forcing them to run until they either fulfilled a certain impossible quota of miles or collapsed on the tread from sheer exhaustion. Who would have guessed that Hojo was aiding future escapees in learning to handle the duress of constant running so when the time finally came they would be strong enough to endure it?
Zack was on the second of three treadmills, Cloud on the first. It was hard getting through the run on any occasion, but curse those alien cells! Jenova wouldn't let him rest. She didn't care where he was, what he was doing. She needed to control him, remind him that he was not free of her under any circumstances.
It was only a half-hour into the run, the same amount of time left and they'd be done with the day. Already Cloud was sweating from the brisk pace Hojo set the dials to, him amping up the speed every five minutes. Cloud's breath burst from his lungs in fast spurts, his mind scrambling to hold onto his sanity and his body struggling to keep moving. He'd collapsed on the tread more than once and each time felt worse than the last. The tread ran under the floor so he merely slid back onto the floor when he fell, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt.
He succeeded in pressing back Jenova for the next speed increase, but something was definitely going to break, either his mind or his body. It was both.
With a spurt of inhuman strength, Jenova lunged and seized control of his body, but Cloud was ready and pushed back, effectively regaining control almost as soon as it was lost. However in that moment, his legs stopped moving altogether and he was rewarded with a face-plant into the black tread which sent him sliding onto the polished concrete floor.
Every muscle in his body groaned at the force of impact and the whine of the treadmill slowed down to a manual stop mandated by Hojo's control system. His breath stopped for one frightening moment as the air was knocked from him and clear out of his reach. His body seized in a spasm of muscle contractions while he forced Jenova back. As the air flushed into his lungs, he gasped for more, his body deprived from the exertion of the run and the hit from the floor. A warm hand slick with sweat gently rolled him onto his back and lifted one of his fluttering eyelids. Cloud could feel his pupils pulsing with life, but through the painful haze he made out Zack's figure huddled and panting above him.
A click of guns and the shouting of guards, "Specimen Z, back away from the other specimen."
"There's no way they're making me get back on that treadmill with you like this," Zack muttered.
Cloud's own breath was loud in his own ears like the rush of wind at the top of Mt. Nibel. "Go, Zack." The words felt slow in his mouth and his sluggish mind had to fish around for the right ones to say. "It'll be worse for us both if you don't." His words slurred and his chest tightened, forcing out a few wheezy coughs from the heat of the run.
Zack's eyes darted to the guards. "But, Spike."
"Specimen Z, step away now." Their boots clacked against the cement as the front row of guards closed in.
"Please, Zack," Cloud begged. He didn't want to be responsible for Zack getting shot on top of all other things. Besides, the blackness was closing in around his vision, threatening to fade him into unconsciousness. Cloud wasn't sure if it was because of the pain, the fatigue, or Jenova. Perhaps all three.
Zack hesitated, but finally compelled himself to stand up and back up giving the guards enough room to get in between him and Cloud before carrying the limp blond out of the room. Hojo adjourned with them, leaving Zack in the hands on his assistants for the remaining exercises. While Zack finished up, Hojo prodded Cloud's unresponsive body, leaving pinpricks everywhere in his skin like red freckles. Cloud was fed a variety of solutions through needles in his arms leaving an adornment of bruises at each puncture point. At last his body was dumped unceremoniously back in the cell where he dragged himself to consciousness and curled up under his blanket.
An hour later Zack was granted his wish of respite with the return to the cell. A weary glance around the room found a whimpering, quivering mass of fear under the blanket on Cloud's cot. Every footfall heavy with lethargy, Zack plodded to the bed and collapsed onto it next to Cloud, rolling over so he could shimmy the covers over himself.
A fog blew over his mind and he lay there accepting that he couldn't even effectively find the words to comfort his spikey-haired charge. It was enough that Cloud's body didn't seize in a fit of tension when Zack had come in. The last two days of avoiding one another had been hard enough. That would have smothered Zack's already bruised and broken heart. Instead Cloud seemed to melt into Zack's form in acceptance of his presence. However, his shaking didn't stop. Zack gave him a one-armed hug and squeezed him reassuringly.
"Zack?" Cloud said, sniffing once and then again.
"Yeah, buddy?"
"I'm sorry," Cloud's voice broke, and the anguished sobs resumed their natural course.
Zack sighed deeply into the blond spikes grimy with sweat, mako, and months, if not years, of accumulated grime. "I know you are. Don't worry about it."
"But, Zack," Cloud wrapped his arms about himself as though he would burst with emotion. "I…I don't want you to think that I'm not happy to know you. I am," his voice faltered for a moment and hitched fearfully, "even in this place." He sniffed and plunged forward before Zack could interrupt. "Maybe especially in this place. I'm sorry about before. I'm…I'm sorry…" His words were drowned by the tears of remorse.
Zack hushed him, heart strings nagging him. He could never get over the sight or sound of Cloud crying. It seemed that he would give in to anything given that one condition, and he gave in now, but also because he didn't want Cloud to think it was his fault either that they were in this mess. "Shh," Zack whispered gently. "It's okay. I know you're sorry. It's alright; I understand."
Cloud's sobs were submerged in Zack's comforting tones, and he soon began to relax under his friend's calming assurance.
"C'mere," Zack helped him to roll over to face him. Cloud tearfully avoided his gaze. "Don't be like that, Cloud," Zack pleaded. "Just look at me, buddy. It's okay. I'm sorry I was mad at you. I forgive you."
Cloud sniffled and darted a hesitant glance into Zack's eyes. They offered no hostility, only forgiveness brimming with a veiled sadness of their own.
"It's okay, Cloud," Zack repeated.
Cloud shook his head and the tears came back to his eyes, fresh and new. "No, Zack," he sobbed, burying his face in Zack's sweaty prison shirt. "No…It's not going to be okay. It'll never be okay! Nothing's changed, nothing has happened. We can't get out of here, and if anybody knows, nobody cares. Nothing will ever be okay!"
Instinctively Zack's muscles tensed and he hugged Cloud's shivering form. He stammered, "No, no. Don't say that. It'll be alright, I promise."
"We're not going to get out of here, are we?" Cloud demanded.
"No, we will." Zack reassured firmly.
"We will?" Cloud repeated harshly, his resolve breaking down underneath his despair. He couldn't stay his tears and his voice cracked at the end of the question.
Zack hugged him harder. "We'll get out of here, and we'll both be fine. You hear me?"
Cloud nodded, but was still gasping for air between sobs, visibly exhausted, trapped in a circle of doubt and fear that kept coming to the same dismal end point. Zack knew this conversation could only go downhill. Time for a change in tactics, but first he needed to take care of that small detail of the Jenova attack. As much as he'd like to sometimes, Zack couldn't ignore how Jenova made Cloud sick and feverish every time she decided to drop in.
"Hold on a minute." Zack slipped out from under the covers and walked over to the bathroom, grabbing a fragment of cloth, torn from one of their blankets, as he went. Dousing it in cold water, Zack wrung it out and brought it with him to Cloud's cot. After getting back under the blanket, Zack folded the damp rag and pressed it onto Cloud's forehead. Cloud winced, flinching away instinctively, and Zack smiled sympathetically despite the worrisome tinge of pink coloring Cloud's cheeks.
Now to get Cloud off his track of thinking. "Hey, Spike, where do you want to go when we get out?"
Cloud looked up at him eyes brimming with stale tears and confusion. "Huh?"
Zack let out a small laugh, trying to relieve the tension in the air. "What I mean is, when we get out of here," he was careful to use the word 'when', "where do you want to go?"
The distraction was working, so Zack continued on. He knew Cloud had every reason to fear. That was why when they had first been put in the labs Zack had made it his job to be strong for Cloud and help him keep looking in the right direction. "You know where I'm going to go?" Zack grinned and tugged the blanket up over his and Cloud's shoulders. "I'm going to head to Midgar to see my girl. Remember? Aerith?"
Cloud gave a tiny nod.
Zack smiled. Responding was good. Reacting wasn't. As long as he could get Cloud to think before acting, they were doing better. His tears were all but gone, and he clung to Zack's words like a lifeline. Zack didn't disappoint. He plunged into a detailed account of what he would do, where he would go, keeping his focus sharply on Aerith. Anything that might set Cloud's mind going on another memory was tabooed.
As he narrated Cloud through his presumed future, the cell door grated open and a tray of food was dumped on the floor through the crack. Zack glanced over at the mess and grimaced. Shinra cafeteria meals were only ever edible; the laboratory scraps were just digestible. Rolling off the cot to scrape it from the floor, Zack smirked. "Alright, scratch all that. The first thing I'm going to do when I get out of here is get me a decent meal."
As they fed on guard leftovers, Zack laid out a six course meal complete with the cherries on top. Cloud perked up, his stomach growling, and the account of meals he never expected to have again made it easier to ignore the grainy texture of the water they slurped from the sink and the starchy taste of the corn mush dripping from their fingers.
When they were through, Zack smiled reassuringly at Cloud. "Your turn," he said simply as they crawled under the covers.
Cloud frowned. "For what?"
"Where do you want to go when we get out?"
The question startled Cloud, disturbed him even, though he knew it had all begun with that same question. Cloud lay with his eyes on the ceiling, the dim glow from his eyes burning images into the grey concrete.
Zack waited quietly, hoping he hadn't been wrong to ask Cloud that simple question, but at last the thin voice cracked the air, proceeding diffidently as though something might attack if the words spilled out too fast.
"I think… I'd want to go to Midgar with you."
A smile graced Zack's lips. He hadn't ever expected Cloud not to come to Midgar with him, but it was true that he had never asked what Cloud really wanted either. Now having the answer, Zack felt the slightest weight lift from his shoulders. Just a small one, but the words made a difference nonetheless.
"Glad to hear that, Spikey," Zack said, his body relaxing into the cot.
Cloud sighed and started again slower than before. "You sure love Aerith a lot, don't you." It was a statement, not a question.
"Yeah," Zack sighed happily, missing the cues about where the conversation was headed.
"Probably want to marry her, right?"
Zack caught on and looked over at the expression fixed sadly on the ceiling. Cloud had a habit of turning even the slightest things into personal matters. Zack sighed exasperatingly and rolled his eyes. Grabbing Cloud in a headlock, he ruffled his hair playfully before letting go. "Ah, Cloud. You've gotta stop worrying so much. Don't worry about it. I said I wouldn't abandon you, and I won't. I'll make sure you've got a girlfriend too before I go off and marry Aerith."
Cloud glanced at Zack's expression, not sure if he was teasing or serious. Zack grinned and Cloud knew it was both. With a huff, Cloud sighed exaggeratedly and turned away from him. "Goodnight, Zack," he groaned, but Zack caught the hint of a smile in his voice and punched him affectionately before he too rolled over. G'night, Spike."
Yeah, that's another story I've written where it ends with Cloud falling asleep. What can I say? It just didn't feel right to end it until then though. But I have to say, I love Zack and Cloud friendship moments, so when I say no yaoi, I mean: really guys – no yaoi intended. I just picture them almost as brothers. I can't imagine them not growing closer to each other during those hellish four years. But, enough of the morbid! Hope you liked it!
-Dante