Finally I've finished this thing! It took me about forever! I've been reading LOTR recently, so that's why it's such a strong theme in this fic. Scene's line about Head and Shoulders, and the whole idea of it really, is from a movie I saw a while ago called Evolution, so yeah. The green goo oozing is from Howl's Moving Castle, Ford Prefect is from HitchHiker's Guide To The Galaxy, and the old perverted guy is my own creation.
Disclaimer: Do you really think someone as crazy as me would own Death Note, LOTR, Head and Shoulders, Ford Prefect or anything else I forgot to mention??...don't answer that. "
The Shire Meets Yaoi
There was a time, long ago, when elves and men lived together in alliance. But that time is over. All that once was is now lost, and many things that should not have been forgotten, have. In recent history, however, humanity has found something for itself.
It has found itself hopelessly obsessed with attractive, fictional, anime characters.
We now flip forward to a day sometime in the month of May 2008 that nobody has bothered to remember. It was refreshingly warm and breezy on this particular morning. In going against going against the usual, horrendously cheesy Yaoi couple, two well known male anime characters had only weeks earlier been thrown into the endlessly cliched chasm that is newlyweddedness, and on that particular May morning were moving into their new house together.
Of course, the newlyweds were Mello and Matt, more rarely known as Mihael Keehl and Mail Jeevas, and of course they preferred to be called Mello and Matt, since their real names were just plain weird. Mello and Matt, newlyweds as they were, wanted to live in as comfortable a house as possible. A nice little cove with a low amount of windows, so no one would have to see anything they didn't have to see.
So they moved to the Shire. Specifically the village of Hobbiton.
The two L heirs bought themselves a nice little hobbit hole just minutes away from Bag-End. Well, it wasn't a real hobbit hole because, as,as can be expected, Mello and Matt weren't hobbits.
Anyway, moving to a new house, especially one that involves going back in time to some point in Middle Earth, can be extremely difficult. So, on this particular warm and breezy morning in May, five people that did not include Mello or Matt stood with their hands on their hips, staring at the selection of heavy boxes and furniture with pursed lips, stalling so they wouldn't actually have to help their friends move.
Sera Nakamura stood beside her boyfriend Touta Matsuda, hoping direly that there was a Tim Horton's in Hobbiton. Matsuda hoped direly that Sera wasn't thinking what she was in fact thinking, because he didn't think she would react very pleasantly to the answer.
Eve Berglund stood beside her husband Prince Caspian, wondering where her daughter had gone off to. Yes, you heard right, Eve and Caspian had gotten married, and to everyone's utter shock the wedding had gone off without a hitch. The relationship probably wouldn't last another week. And yes, you still heard right, Eve and Caspian had had a daughter, whom they'd given the beautiful name of Scene. Scene was now a year and a half old.
The enigmatic detective L scratched his head, smiling at the fact that the grass felt absolutely splendid under his bare feet.
Ryuk the Shinigami floated next to his assisant Mr. Buttersworth, telling him to take the limo, go to the Mayor of Hobbiton, Samwise Gamgee's office and tell Mr. Gamgee that he'd like to purchase the village.
You see, after the incident where Peanut the giant talking elephant had popped Ryuk's eyes literally out of his skull, Ryuk had gotten a large sum of money from sueing the elephant into oblivion. Ryuk's eyes were firmly back in place and his spine straightened out, and he was now a very rich death god.
Nate River, more commonly referred to as Near, shoved his hands into his imaginary pajama pockets amd muttered "Where are those two?!"
And at that exact moment, if you had pressed the pause button on your Universal remote, you would've seen Pansy Parkinson, one of the biggest snobs in the Slytherin house, throwing Scene Berglund up and down in the air snobbishly.
Near started curling a lock of whitish-silver hair. "No, I meant Mello and Matt."
On cue, the round wood door to the newlywed's oversized hobit hole opened and Matt and Mello came out, pressing down frizzy hair and putting their shirts back on.
"Maybe we should've waited until the mattress was in." Sighed Mello, tieing the string on his leather pants.
"Yeah, those hardwood floors aren't entirely comfortable." Agreed Matt, putting his goggles back on.
There was a collective wince and eyebrow raise throughout the entire group. "Uh...yeah. Can we get started please?" Sera remarked dryly. Slowly, everyone nodded, got the yaoi images out of their heads and got to work.
"Yeah, open the boxes out here and just bring stuff in and put it away." Advised Mello, clearing it up sensibly.
Mello's advision proved shortly to be bad advice when a tall, dark-skinned man with a thin,drawn face who was hiding in a bush spotted Mello and Matt's towels.
"Oh, look at that! Towels! This is wonderful; I'm all out. Oh, look at the one at the top. It looks like one corner has vitamins in it too suck on in a case of emergency. Perfect!" The man, or rather alien, since he was in fact born on a planet in the vicinity of Beetelgeuse, slyly moved from the cover of the bush, rushed to the box of bath towels, grabbed his prize and hurried off.
"Aahaha! This will get me off Earth for sure!" The alien with the unfortunately unsuitable name of Ford Prefect laughed as he scurried back to his hideout, unaware of the fact that self-narration was totally not popular anymore.
Just as the group of fan fiction victims looked from what they were doing to the towel theif, a ghost popped out the ground and got in everyone's way. "Not you again!" Matsuda moaned.
The ghost looked to be about twenty-six when he'd died, and had greasy, unshowered red hair. His sweater-vest and corduroy pants were torn to shreds. "Yes, it's me again! Back from Hell to say hi." The ghost said without discernable enthusiasm.
Sera took a sip from the Ice Capp that had suddenly appeared. "Vincent?"
Vincent Green pushed back stray locks of his fading red hair. "Sera?"
"What are you doing here? We haven't seen you in two years!!"
"Don't they have showers in Hell?" Eve asked innocently.
Eve and Sera's high school buddy sighed with lack of amusement. "I've been busy. I got a full-time job at a Mr. Sub in Hell. Light Yagami works there too."
"All that guy ever talks about is killing all the criminals and become the 'Satan of the new Hell'. I've tried explaining that if he killed all the criminals, there wouldn't be a Hell to take over, but he won't have it. And when this jack-ass elephant named Peanut comes over from the Oblivion for a turkey sub all he talks about is how much he hates some Shinigami named Ryuk for sueing him to Oblivion. And then he talks about how the only things on TV in Oblivion are American Idol and Desperate Housewives, to which Yagami lights up and decides to take over Oblivion instead of Hell...I think I need a vacation."
L nodded. " Light was a crazy-ass college student, I'll give him that."
"Oh, let Peanut know I said Hi!" Ryuk requested, removing his sunglasses randomly. "And tell him there's no hard feelings, okay?"
Vincent Green rolled his eyes and cursed the ferrets that had killed him.
Eve turned her head and finally noticed that Scene was being thrown in the air by Pansy Parkinson. She quietly moved toward them, shoved Pansy brutally down the hill into an oncoming lawnmower, caught her child and brought her to Vincent.
"Hey, Vin! This is my daughter, Scene. She's a year and a half. Isn't she the cutest thing you've ever seen??" Scene moved her bright blue eyes up to look at Vincent and his ghostlyness, smiling widely. "Shower, dude!" She announced in her tiny voice.
Vincent looked back at her with scorn and attempted to poke her in the stomach, but his translucent hand went through it. He then glanced up at Eve and then Caspian, who so far wasn't important enough to have lines in this fan fiction (and his accent wasn't worth hearing). "Is he the father?" Vincent murmured suspiciously.
Eve smiled sheepishly. "Actually...it's Draco Malfoy..."
Matsuda and Sera twitched, sensing a tantrum of some kind.
Suddenly, the bright summer sky churned and became dark with cloud cover. The birds that had been flying leisurely while singing sweet songs that almost seemed to have words squawked with fright and dove for the protection of their nests. Rodents and other animals scurried away to shelter, and a mile away, an alien with the unfortunately unsuitable name of Ford Prefect threw the towel in a random direction, screaming "Okay, okay!! I'm sorry! I'll never steal a towel from giant hobbits again! AAH!"
Vincent's grey eyes clouded over and his face turned sour. "That...thing is the spawn of ferret scum?!" He muttered with simmering anger.
Mello shivered with fright and clutched his lover tightly. "Don't worry, it'll be fine." Matt reassured him, running his hand through Mello's hair. Near rolled his eyes and pulled out a toy robot to play with so he'd have an excuse not to help move things in when this was all over. L grinned and sucked on his twenty-third lollipop that day, obviously amused by all this.
"Well...i wouldn't really say that..." Eve stammered nervously.
Vincent's mood seemed to worsen, and a thick green substance started to slowly flow from his aura onto the grass below. " I can't believe you would disgrace me with this monstrosity! Me, whose been your best friend since grade five! Me, who dated you for a whole week before discovering my homosexualism. Me, who died to protect all of you!! Sera, what do you have to say?"
Sera opened her mouth in surprise. " Oh...umm,well...you're kind of oozing green goo everywhere..." At that point, everybody noticed that they were ankle deep in goo, and it was rising. Very soon it would seeth into all the boxes.
Matsuda felt the inclination to repeat a certain line from The Wedding That Never Was Part 3. " Oh shit."
The whole group started panicing, and Scene started wailing that she wanted to be put down. Sera just stared in the direction of the dirt sidewalk, thinking about how she didn't want to think about anything at all. The finicky panic of her friends was like a dull ringing in her ears, and the half-full Ice Capp dissapeared as mysteriously as it had appeared.
Dumbly, she now noticed the old man walking down the path. He was donned in beige robes, and long hair and a longer beard framed his face. The man looked at Sera tranquilly, and the two made eye contact, neither of them making any sort of sound. He smiled at her knowingly, as if he knew everything about her, from her still deep obsession with Pokemon to the secret about how her brother had really died. Not nervous at all, and not really thinking at all either, Sera smiled back, not wondering at all what the old guy's intentions were.
His intention was known a moment later when, smiling wider, he raised his arms, made about three pelvic thrusts and continued on his perverted way. Sera opened her mouth, not sure what to think since she wasn't thinking anything at all. Finally, she shook the non-thinkingness out of her head and turned her attention back to the situation going on around her.
Everyone was still in a finicky panic, and everyone was just standing there, not doing anything. Scene was still wailing to be put down.
"Down! Down!" She screamed in a high voice. Her mother stared at her blankly, not doing anything. " I have a plan!! Down, down!"
Sera eyes widened. " Do it! Put her down!" She hollered to Eve. Eve didn't move. Huffing in frustration, Sera waddled over to her best friend and partner, took the baby from her arms and set her down in the green muck. It came up to Scene's diaper, but at any rate, she proceeded to wade over to a gift-wrapped box on the lawn. It was a house-warming present from her to Mello and Matt. She ripped at the box with her tiny fingers and after a lot of exasperated screaming, opened it.
In swift, professional moves, the year and a half old girl pulled out a bazooka that was probably twice her size and started dumping several bottles full of Head and Shoulder's anti-dandruff shampoo inside. Once she had finished, she spun around and most likely breaking multiple laws of physics, aimed the gun at Vincent, whose eyes were glowing with evil intent.
Throughout this part of the story, Sera proved that jaws really could reach down to the floor, which was a bad thing since she was getting a large mouthful of green goo made of who-knows-what.
Scene winked at her and fired. Like a watergun, a steady flow of Head and Shoulders drenched Vincent, slowly dissolving him into a pile of hissing foam. He turned to look at Scene and glared at her ferociously as he dissolved. " May all your bacon burn!" He cursed her.
With him, the shallow pool of green goo dissolved, and Sera started coughing ferociously.
Scene grinned maliciously. " And that why I always keep a fresh supply of Head and Shoulders around the house!!"
Peregrin Took walked up the path, singing a little song he'd learned from some stoner named Tom Bombadil. He was on his way to becoming Thain of the Shire, really nothing more than a fancy title, but he was feeling jolly about it anyway. Suddenly, some creepy old dude walked by, chuckling over some hot chick. Pippin raised an eyebrow, wondering what was going on. He remembered that some humans had just moved in up the path, and decided to go check on them. When he came up the hill and spotted them, he was shocked beyond words by what he saw.
The entire lawn was covered in hissing green foam. In the middle, a toddler stood with a giant bazooka in her hands and a grin on her tiny face. Close to him, a giant flying creature in a fancy suit floated above the ground, chuckling with amusement.
Peregrin turned on his heel and headed back down the hill, changing his mind.
"And I though places outside the Shire were weird!"
Tres End!!
Whoot! I have absolutely no clue what the next fic will be about, so any ideas you may have are welcome! Seriously, I'm starting to run out of my own ideas here!! O.O
See you next fic!! OO