Title: A Thin Veneer?
Summary: The team goes out to the Goose to unwind after a tense call but as Greg looks at Ed, is it really back to business as usual or is it all just a thin veneer, hiding a brewing emotional volcano? Ed/Greg Post Ep OS to eppy 5.04 Eyes In 'contains some spoilers'
Disclaimer: If I owned anything to do with FP Ed would be all mine! Hehe *alas* I own only my DVD's that fuel my imaginative muse Alice.
A/N: okay so was hoping for another Ed/angsty snippet in this eppy but *alas* we were once again denied! but next week's preview shows a hint of Ed's underlying emotional tension so fingers crossed our path here hasn't been in vain!
Dedicated to JKokol – thanks so much for all your help with these! (hope you like this)
Note: Words in italics and double quotes taken directly from episode (usual disclaimer haha)
"Ed you joining us at the Goose?" Sam asks as the male members of Team One prepare to head out for the night after a long day and tense hot call.
Greg looks up as he reaches for his shirt, Ed's slight hesitation not lost on Team One's supervisor.
"Yeah sure. We gonna help Spike get past being shot down."
"If at first you don't succeed Spike," Sam pipes up.
"You offering pointers Samtastic?" Spike looks at Sam with a dimpled grin.
"Sure. It worked out for me in the end."
"Whadda ya think boss? Another dynamic duo?" Sam asks somewhat tongue in cheek, Greg's eyes fixed more on Ed than on Sam's goofy grin. Sam and Spike take their leave, Sam giving Spike some dating pointers and allowing Ed and Greg a few moments alone before they join the rest of the team for a team night out.
"So…that was some driving today."
"You mean the semi? 50 cal stopped it cold," Ed mentions as his mind thinks back to him and Jules on the bridge. The first shot from the high powered rifle didn't take, Greg's whispered "come on Eddie," in his ear as the driving force for him not missing the second shot. "It stopped without incident…the second time," he concludes in a soft whisper that Greg is quick to call him on.
"Eddie?"
"It's good boss but yeah at least the driver…"
"Nah I meant you as the delivery driver. You moonlight for UPS afterhours?" Greg gently teases as he grabs his jacket and nears Ed, noticing his fingers tightly curled around the edge of the locker door a few seconds before they uncurl and Ed reaches for his jacket.
"What can I tell ya…it worked," Ed shrugs as he offers a small thin smile, pulling on his jacket and then closing the locker shut.
"But today was a good day," Greg mentions, noticing Ed's posture was still a bit stiff and firm. "However my friend we gotta talk history."
"Meaning?" Ed inquires as they finally head for the exit doors.
"The Trojan war?"
"What?" Ed smirks as they join the rest of the team. "Sam and I got the gist okay?"
"What do you know about the Trojan war?" Ed asks Sam outside the trucking warehouse.
"Not much, you?" Sam replies.
"Me neither."
"Let's do this," Ed nods as Sam smirks and nods in return; both of them knowing what to do, get a truck and go in disguised; bearing gifts – their weapons.
"Boss you givin' us a hard time about the Trojan war?" Sam interjects. "The plan worked."
"You two actually don't know what the Trojan War is about?" Jules interjects.
"Hey at least no one made a condom comment," Spike chuckles. "You know Trojan…cond…" Spike clears this throat.
"Oh yeah I like where this is going," Jules groans as the laughing team leaves the SRU and heads for the Goose. As they had Sam and Jules with them Greg knows he can't much talk to Ed and see how he's doing on a personal level, Ed was far to private to open up to anyone other than Greg on stuff like that. As much as he knows Ed and Jules are friends, he knows Ed still wouldn't give her information that he would Greg or someone else outside the team; that was just Ed. For the past few weeks, he just hadn't been himself, something was off, and Greg was almost amiss to put his finger on it.
But if he was honest he knows deep inside that it wasn't just May's untimely death that was still haunting Ed; hers was merely the first catalyst that was now forcing him to walk such an emotionally tormented path that he had been contemplating years before. My friend…what am I doing wrong…talk to me, Greg's mind calls out. Ed had come back an emotional wreck after May's SIU hearing and had admitted to Greg the following day that he felt partially responsible for Raf's rather hasty departure. The days that followed, Ed seemed quieter than normal, not engaging when he normally would, seeming distant on topics he would normally enjoy and brushing off a tense discussion with the trademark Ed Lane 'I'm fine' instead of offering his seasoned opinion.
No one blames you Eddie…no one, Greg's mind had stated over and over, his lips audibly uttering the same sentiments a few times in private. Did Ed believe him? Did he believe deep down inside that May's death was the result of her own actions; actions that she was in control of and that no one on Team One could have predicted? And if he was still feeling guilt over that, how many others over the years was he still holding himself to blame for? SIU clearing him but his own inner judge and jury being his personal executioner and not letting him inwardly heal.
Is that true Eddie? Do you blame yourself when you shouldn't? Have you not fully let go yet? Have you not forgiven yourself yet when those around you have? Talk to me…Greg's mind inwardly begs.
They reach the Goose and all file inside, taking their seats at a large round table; Greg choosing to sit across from Ed, so he could purposely observe his friend and team leader in a casual team setting. Maybe the past few weeks hadn't afforded him some real down time with the team, some time to just have a beer with friends and relax and not talk about work. However, as much as he knows it's a bit of a veiled pipe dream for them not to talk about work, Greg hopes for Ed's sake the conversation won't come back to the topic of death and kill shots. That dream was short lived.
"Do we ask the boss now for lessons on kill points?" Sam pipes up, putting all eyes on Greg.
"It worked," Greg offers in his weak defense as the rest of the table laughs.
"You know I missed that," Spike interjects.
"Yeah where were you Spike?"
"Oh just talkin' a guy down from a ledge," Spike playfully retorts to Sam.
"What are those kill points again Sarge?" Leah asks with a smile.
"Kill points?" Ed wags his brows at Greg. "The size of a dime?"
"Beach balls to us," Leah smiles.
"Came to me in the moment Eddie…in the moment. Hey I came down to his level okay?"
"Dumbing it down for the baddies. Gotta like it," Sam grins as the subject then, thankfully for Ed, changes to something else.
It was the first time in weeks that he had finally allowed himself to go out with the team, the weeks prior his mind not really allowing him even a few moments of personal joy; his inner voice still battling May's tormented calls for help before his actions silenced her voice for good. To take a life was never something he relished, always happy when the boss came up with a peaceful 'let's talk it out' solution. Even a hardened criminal, someone he suspects won't be rehabilitated in jail; to take a life was to play god…was in that moment to decide their life was not worth living and he had the right to take it. I decided…not god…me…I ended her life…me, his mind would torment him over and over again. It wasn't up to them to play god…they were mere mortals, highly flawed at that.
He still hadn't worked up the inner or even outer courage to go and see May's mother, simply because he couldn't get past what he had done and didn't feel right in asking for even a small reprieve from her when he couldn't even forgive himself. Ed takes a swig of his beer and looks up to see Greg watching a few seconds before he turns and laughs at something Spike mentions. Greg knows…he always knows…damn it…I just need time…this will pass…they all have passed…they all have…this will too, he tries to convince himself over and over until his inner core was heating up due to silent friction and he had to force himself to engage in the team's somewhat mindless banter.
But it wasn't to be and anyone with an insight into human emotions and characteristics would tell from a mile away that he was faking his enjoyment; the thin veneer was close to being pulled back to expose his real emotional state – a brewing volcano. He had tried…almost everything, workouts, yard work, taking Izzy for extended jogs in her stroller, the gun range…everything to get May's haunted expression from his mind, anything to seek the forgiveness he had extended himself on other kill shots that was missing with hers. 18 years old…a kid…abusive father…I took away her first taste of freedom. She was taking back her life…and I…I took her life, I took that freedom. Me. Who the hell am I to play god? She just wanted…to live. I killed her…I murdered her…me. I don't deserve forgiveness.
Greg notices Ed's fingers tightly flex around the neck of the beer bottle and frowns, wondering what inner demon Ed was battling and what voices his mind was having trouble extinguishing. May's? Others from the past? Family? Friends? His own? Talk to me Eddie…what are you hiding? What's eating away at you inside? Please let me help you.
The team slowly starts to dissipate, Sam and Jules first to leave and then Spike and Leah, their budding friendship a welcome delight; him and Greg left at the table, Greg finishing his strong coffee and Ed working on finishing his third beer.
"I'll have…"
"Coffee," Greg kindly interjects as Ed looks at him sharply.
"I'm not driving."
"I am. But he's still having coffee," Greg insists as the waitress shrugs and then leaves.
"Greg…" Ed starts only to have Greg lean in closer. Ed pulls back with a small frown as Greg's lips twist into a soft curl.
"That was a serious tone Eddie, figured it was for my ears alone."
"No," Ed merely shakes his head as he leans back in his chair, his fingers still fidgeting with the room temperature beer bottle. "It was nothing."
"Good because you have had enough and we have to work tomorrow."
"Enough…yeah," Ed nods as he downs the last bit of nearly flat beer in one hearty gulp and then slams the bottle back down on the table with a bit added force; making two nearby patrons stop and stare in wonder.
"Wanna talk about it?" Greg asks lightly.
"Wanna talk about it," Ed repeats with a hint of disdain, Greg's defenses starting to perk up. "What Greg? Talk about what? You tell me? What should we talk about?"
"Eddie…it's been a long day…you're tired and now we just gotta keep the peace in here okay."
"Fine," Ed slightly lowers his voice as the waitress returns with his hot coffee. "I'm done talking."
"Didn't talk that much tonight," Greg comments lightly.
"What do you want from me Greg? What?" Ed asks with a small hiss of anger as he takes a sip of the hot coffee, his stomach begging for something more than just liquid to stem the acidic tide.
"The past few weeks, I've asked how you are and you say…"
"I'm fine."
"I'm fine," Greg repeats softly. "Eddie…I've known you a long time. I know when you're not fine."
"Some days are better than others…we all have those days. You…Sam…Jules…all of us."
"Raf had a day like that and quit, went back to his undercover stuff with five minutes notice to the team."
"You worried I'm gonna quit?" Ed asks in surprise.
"I'm worried about you. Look, I know a guy…"
"I don't need…boss…Greg…look I'm fine. Yeah it was a tough…call," Ed slightly stumbles over his words, his heart racing and starting to heat his core to the point the room was now slightly spinning. His brain flashes images of May asking his name in the club, making them promise her in the truck and then finally forcing him to kill her. "It was a tough call."
"And some calls…they stay with us…longer than others," Greg carefully prods.
"They do. And time helps you get past and move on."
"Yeah but sometimes it takes a bit more than just time."
"I'm not going to see a shrink," Ed retorts, making Greg slightly smirk at the term for a psychologist. "I don't want them getting into my head…pulling out my faults and…"
"And making you feel weak," Greg concludes with a small frown as he leans back in his chair. He looks at Ed and ponders something else now. Maybe inside his own mind and heart that's why he didn't push for Ed to get professional help. Maybe it's my fault I didn't push Eddie to see someone sooner…force him as a superior to go and talk to someone…maybe my friendship is to blame? I've always seen him so strong and in control…maybe it's my fault…I didn't want to accept that he had a problem. Over the years I discounted it…I didn't want Ed labeled…didn't want him to have the stigma of being weak…is this my doing? Him this closed off and about to emotionally explode…is this my doing? Am I to blame? Eddie…tell me…I'm sorry.
"I'm not weak…" Ed mumbles in his soft defense.
"I doubt there is a person that knows you that would ever think that," Greg states firmly, Ed's eyes dropping for a second and then looking back up; signaling to Greg that someone did think that – Ed did, of himself; he just couldn't say it. "But you know…to admit you had an off day, isn't being weak."
"I'm fine…I'm just tired."
"It is me?"
"What?"
"Ed, I…maybe I held back when I should have…"
"I'm fine…I'm just tired, okay? Just tired," Ed repeats with a hint of frustrated anger.
"And you're sleeping okay and such?"
"Greg…"
"Ed, I gotta know…I think part of me hasn't pushed enough and for the sake of your own mental sanity and I should have and I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry. If I wanted to talk to someone I would have. I'm not that guy."
"Not that guy…right," Greg huffs as he rests on his elbows as Ed downs the last bits of his strong coffee. "We all are that guy Eddie…even I'm that guy and I've been at this longer. I'm concerned."
"And I'm fine."
"And May."
"What about…May?" Ed manages, his throat catching as he tries to roll her name off his lips.
"You have told yourself that you weren't to blame."
"SIU cleared me right?"
"You don't live with SIU," Greg counters correctly.
"Sophie doesn't…"
"Yourself. Ed when you are alone with yourself…what do you see? Hear? Tell yourself? Have you forgiven yourself?"
"I'm okay."
"Ed…"
"I'm okay. Where's the damn bill?"
Greg looks at him and frowns. That's not answering the question Eddie…damn why didn't I press for this sooner…and I mean years sooner? How much longer can you keep it all inside before something really snaps? Dear God I hope and pray that never happens but why do I have a feeling it's coming?
"Well…." Ed leans forward, his head still buzzing from the copious amounts of alcohol and minimal amounts of food. "Gotta work tomorrow."
"You know if you ever want…you know a personal day."
"Personal day?" Ed retorts with a small snort. "Do to what?"
"Go fishing…read a book…sleep in…possibilities are endless really," Greg shrugs as they both stand up to leave, Greg noticing Ed waiting a few seconds and surmising he was probably waiting for the room to stop spinning. "You want to have something more to eat?"
"I'm good…just tired. Let's go."
"I mean it Eddie. A day to do…whatever. None of us are machines and we do get paid holidays and leave for a reason."
"I'll think about it," Ed casually replies as they head outside into the cool night air, the blast of freshness instantly awakening his once dormant senses. They head for Greg's car, talking about the team and what the weekend would bring, Greg telling Ed that he was attending a fundraiser for one of the companies Marina's does business with and Ed telling Greg they were having Wordy and family over for dinner.
"So getting back to my earlier discussion, I know a guy…"
"Greg…"
"He's the one that helped me pick myself back up."
"I haven't bottomed out."
"Yet," Greg answers almost absently, making Ed look at him sharply.
"Meaning?"
"No need to get defensive but over the past few years…Eddie you've made some tough calls. You follow orders without question and…and damn you are the best in the field at what you do. But you are also human my friend and us humans…well sometimes we need a good kick in the ass because we are so stubborn," Greg replies with a smile at the end, making Ed's hardened expression somewhat soften. "You're too good a friend Eddie for me to just pass it over as if I'm not seeing the warning signs and pretend nothing's wrong."
"Fair enough," Ed nods as they near his home. "Goodnight Greg."
"Goodnight…Ed," Greg huffs as he watches Ed get out of the car and head for his darkened home, fists shoved into his pockets and his rigid stance telling Greg…nothing was fine…something was very wrong. "Damn it Eddie," Greg lightly curses as he prepares to leave.
Ed turns and gives Greg a half wave, a small guise he hopes his friend will buy before he slips into his quiet home and closes the door, leaving the world and it's prying eyes outside. Instead of heading upstairs to get some sleep, an invisible hand starts to lead him to the one place he had hoped he wouldn't have to visit tonight – the garage…his lonely fortress of solitude.
He knows the path sight unseen…blindfolded and in the dark he could find it…its haunting contents calling to him like a beacon. And so he goes, a moth drawn to a deadly flame. Ed enters the darkened garage, not turning on the light, merely allowing the backlighting from the hallway to light his path to his emotional grave.
Ed's weary frame slumps down onto the small stool, his eyes slowly lifting upward to the lock, his hands unable to find the strength needed to pull the key and open Pandora's Box. He knows the contents…memorized every single item…burned them into his heart and soul. Reminders…warnings…
"I'm sorry…" he utters in anguish, his eyes watering as he once again allows himself to hear May's screams silenced by his skilled shot. He hangs his head as his inner temperature enflames; his mind boiling over. His lips open…wanting to emit an anguished scream, but knowing that if he does, attention will be given for which he doesn't want and rethinks his course of action.
Instead he merely offers a soft angry curse, slams his closed fist down on the table and takes a few ragged breaths, her voice starting to call to him in a clearer tone and his eyes watering further.
"I'm sorry…oh god May I'm so sorry…" he ends with a miserable whisper, a few heated tears falling in the darkness to the cold, unforgiving pavement beneath his feet. "I'm sorry…" he whispers again, unable to find any kind of room for inner peace…unable to take the next step and try to find forgiveness for himself and move forward…unable to see past the 'brand' killer in his own haunted mind.
"I'm sorry," he utters for the last time that night, sitting on the stool in the cool, damp space and allowing the silence to start to assault him from every angle; his body not having the strength to fight the emotional onslaught, his heart convincing him he was deserving of this nightly torment.
And no matter how much he tries to fool himself when he leaves the cave of doom; no matter how much he tries to put on a brave face to those around; no matter how much he tries to convince himself it'll never happen to him – the volcano inside his soul continues to silently boil…waiting…waiting for the moment…the moment no one expects it to erupt. But the moment was coming…it was coming and there was nothing that could be done…and no one that could stop it now. It was coming.
"I'm…sorry."
THE END!
A/N: Okay so I know these are very angsty but this is the course the writers have chosen for our beloved Ed this season (dang it being the last b/c next season would have kicked ass for them all *ahhh-personal rant over*) but I really hope you all liked this (hope it's not weak!) and once again only a few snippets from the eppy but I still wanted to continue these b/c next week Alice is finally going to get some actual Ed angst from the eppy! Yay!