Summary: I'm kind of disgusted with how fluffy this is, but I know some of you loooove fluff, so here it is! allthatisevil wrote review #2,000 for ATT ages ago and asked for a oneshot of Charlie's thoughts when grown-ups (namely crazy emotional Emily) were talking to her. I gave it a Look Who's Talking Too treatment. I kind of thought Charlie's thoughts in Roseanne's voice.
Cheat Sheet (you'll probably need this!):
Section 1 is from Chapter 2 (Late Night Callers—when Emily is babysitting before finding out about Will and JJ's deaths)
Section 2 is from Chapter 51 (Insecurities—where Charlotte falls asleep on Hotch's belly).
Section 3 is from Chapter 55 (Catch 22—when Emily can hear Jessica insinuating some not-so-nice things about her to Hotch, and Hotch doesn't defend Emily)
Section 4 is from Chapter 106 (The Last Surprise—when Hotch and Emily share their baby news with everyone and Hotch can't get Charlotte to say 'dada').
Section 5 is from Chapter 108 (Seven—the final chapter, when the kids first meet the twins).
1 - February 2011 (Age: 1 month)
"It's okay, honey."
Why is she the one crying? Is she the one starving half to death? God, lady, get your act together and feed me.
Finally, a bottle.
"Want to stay up and watch crappy movies with me? You know, they call it Lifetime: 'Television for Women,' but the women usually get the short end of the stick in these movies. Just one of the many words of wisdom I have for you."
Lovely, she's talking again. If only I could respond.
"Here's another. Boys are stupid. Don't bother with them. You may feel a strong urge to have your own babies someday, but just let your girlfriends have babies and then pretend they're yours. Boys are just a bunch of trouble. They'll flirt with you, protect you, make you feel pretty, and then when they're bored, they'll just…up and leave. It doesn't matter how much they mean to you, they don't care. So like I said, boys are stupid."
Lady, this is so not my problem. You're nice and all, but you're an ugly crier, and I want to eat in peace, if you don't mind.
"Oh, and it's totally okay to buy neopolitan ice cream and only eat the chocolate part. I do that sometimes. Everybody knows the chocolate part is the only important part. It's all about who gets to the carton first. Whenever you have the option, actually, don't even bother with neopolitan. Just get chocolate."
I hope my parents get home soon. You're mental.
"Yeah. I know. Auntie Emily's a little crazy."
You can read minds?
"But behind every crazy woman there's a boy at fault."
What is all of this about boys? Boys like my brother? I mean, yeah, his diapers smell worse than mine, but what did a boy ever do to you?
"I can't believe how little you are. I would very much like one of you for myself, but, like I said…boys are stupid…"
I really don't see what boys have to do with this at all. Did I miss something? I'm almost starting to feel sorry for her. Okay, I'll give her a good burp. Maybe that'll shut her up. The big people love that.
Later That Night
Hello? Hello? Please come and get me! I smell almost as bad as my brother and you're not moving fast enough. Ahh, there you are. And you're not crying for a change. That's nice. Good, pick me up…Hey, you're not such a bad holder…Don't squish the diaper, though. Okay, you're going in…No! Wipes first, lady! Get the wipes! You can't leave me out in the open like this. I'm freezing!
2 – April 2011 (Age: 3 months)
Oh, so warm, so warm. I love Daddy's tummy. Falling asleep. Is she asking about beer again? Do grown-ups drink anything else? I wonder what it tastes like. Daddy's breath stinks after he drinks it. Okay, falling…asleep soon…
"We did, I just—oh my God, is she sleeping?" Mommy's saying.
"Not sure. She didn't react when I yelled to you just a minute ago, so probably."
I love pretending to sleep when they talk about me. Henry thinks he's the cutest but he's so wrong it's not even funny.
"Yup she's out…This has got to be the cutest thing I've seen in…I don't even know how long. What? You can't tell me this isn't cute," Mommy says.
"That's what every man dreams of, you know. Being 'cute.'
"Well, a man with three little kids including a baby who falls asleep on his stomach is going to have to get used to it."
I keep hearing Aunt Penelope talking about how Mommy and Daddy flirt with each other. I think this is what she means. I won't open my eyes because I don't want to get caught eavesdropping, but I'm pretty sure they're smiling at each other again.
3 - A Few Weeks Later
I don't know what's worse. Listening to grown-ups fight, or taking a bath. Mommy is crying again. She's pretty good at that. Almost as good as me. But still, ugly crier. I'll be nice, though. As long as she doesn't take too long getting me in a towel afterward. Daddy sucks at that.
"Remember what I said about boys being stupid, or something along those lines?"
Here we go again. I think when grown-ups roll their eyes, it means 'Would you please be quiet?' I wish I could roll mine. Or better yet, talk. That would be great.
"Well, I guess you got to see it in action."
Somehow, I'm not sure she's talking to me when she talks to me. I think she's just talking out loud to herself and using me so she doesn't feel silly. Just makes me pity her more. Okay, Mommy, good job with the bath. Don't you dare put those clothes on me yet, I'm not dry.
"Hang on…"
I'll give you three seconds. Three. Two. One. Okay, cover your ears. I'm not stopping until—ooh, yay, the glider! I do love this thing.
"Now would be a good time for someone to grow a pair and tell his ex sister-in-law that she can see Jack all she wants. All she has to do is open up her mind a little and come over."
Ex-what who huh? I wish she would make sense once in a while. It would really make these crying fests more interesting for me.
"I don't know what I did to her personally to make her hate me so much, but who needs her, right? I have you guys."
And now she's kissing me. Oh, Lord, why do you have to go and do things like that? You make it so hard for me to laugh at you. It's not fair that you know how much I love kisses.
4 – August 2012 (Age: 19 months)
I love being able to talk now. I can say 'mama,' 'down,' 'up,' 'no' (that one's my favorite), 'more,' 'Ack' (short for Jack), 'Bubba' (short for Henry), and a few more…I can say 'dada' too but Daddy doesn't know that. It's pretty funny watching him to try to get it out of me.
"Charlie, who's your dada?"
You're my dada! I'll point to you, how about that?
"Can you say 'dada'?"
Nope. Not today. See ya. I wish I had eyes in the back of my head like Mommy. I'd love to see Daddy's face right now. Okay, time to go find Aunt Penelope. She has fun toys in her purse.
5 - March 2013 (Age: 2 years)
"Daddy."
"Charlie, hey, princess."
He's picking me up! I like Aunt Jessica just fine but I missed my dad. Man, do I have it good. I hope boys are this easy to get when I'm Mommy's age. I'll probably be a lot better at it than she is. It sure did take her long enough. Okay, I want to see those things. "Babies."
Okay, Daddy's carrying me over there. Oh, dear Lord. I don't get what all the fuss is about. Little wrinkly things in blankets. I am so much cuter. Okay, Daddy, put me down, let me see. But don't go too far. I'll want you back in a minute. Okay, that's better. Right over Mommy's shoulder.
Oh. They're even uglier up close. Daddy said Mommy's going to have two more kids to pay attention to now but I don't see that being a problem. They should take these ones back to the baby store where Aunt Penelope bought all those clothes.
A/N: Thanks for reading! I had a scene where Charlotte wakes up in the hotel room in Sweet Briar, too, but yeah, that was a bit too weird for most, I figured. I thought it was funny, and so did allthatisevil, but I don't think most would.
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