All The Same

by Silencing Hate

Severus leaves Hermione every year, but she is always there waiting for him when he returns. Songfic. A/U as of Deathly Hallows.

I don't mind where you come from
As long as you come to me

Hermione stood in the lab. She was all alone again, standing at a bubbling potion waiting for him to come back. He always came back. She didn't know why, but she knew that no matter what, he'd come back. He'd always come back to her.

They always fought about his past. He seemed to think that she cared what he had done. He seemed to think that the people he had killed in the war – in the name of the Light – changed the way she felt about him. And it was every year on this day that he left her. That he would walk into their room with that broken look on his face. That he remembered all of the horrible things, especially the death, the murder, of his friend.

But I don't like illusions I can't see
Them clearly

Hermione sighed as she bottled the potion and put it on the shelf. She always made the same potion when he left. She had made the Pepper Up potion so many times that she didn't have to think about what she was doing. It was the perfect potion to make while she waited for him to straighten out his emotions. She just wished that he would admit that's what he was doing. Every year, those haunted eyes looked at her and he refused to let her help him – to let her hold him.

It hurt that he pushed her away every year. But, she knew that he was in more pain than she was so she never said anything about how she felt. She just wanted him to come back to her, whole and happy. Well, as happy as he ever allowed himself to be. But it was better that he was taking care of his pain in private than lying to her and pretending that he was okay. Hermione would rather be alone once a year than to know that he was lying to her. And maybe, one day, he would no longer leave her every year. Maybe someday he would forgive himself.

I don't care; no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you

Hermione still remembered the first time he had walked into the lab with that look on his face. He had told her to leave. That he didn't deserve her – that he didn't want her to attach herself to him. He was always so self-deprecating, but this day above all others was the worst. And he never understood that she accepted him whole heartedly for who he was – then and now. He still believed on some level that she wanted to fix him.

And, oh, how she wished she could fix him. To take away the pain and the suffering that he had gone through – to make his childhood different, to save him from the choice that he had made, to block the path that had led him to self-destruction. But, every time those thoughts went through her head, she knew that changing his path meant they wouldn't be together. She knew that, no matter how much pain he'd been through, without that pain he would not be the noble, incredible man that he was today. So, no, Hermione would never try to fix him - because it was the pain that had led him to be hers.

You've shown me eventually what you'll do
I don't mind
I don't care
As long as you're here

Hermione had no doubt that he would come back. He would come back with the haunted look still at the edges of his eyes. And she would take him in her arms, just like the first time. He would not say anything. He would not cry. He would just stand there in her arms and let her hold him. That was how she knew that everything was back to normal. That was how she would know that he had purged the pain for one more year. That was how she would know that the ghosts were gone and he was totally hers again.

She didn't care that he left her once a year. He never actually left. Hermione knew she couldn't compete with that death. And she didn't want to compete with it. She just wanted him to heal, so that when he came back he was the man she knew – the man she loved.

Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same

Hermione sat in a chair before the fire; she had finished the potion hours ago. She didn't know where he went on this day, but she knew he would come back to her. That he would walk through the door into their living room and walk to where she sat before the roaring flames. She liked to think that the flames helped him to feel more comfortable, that it helped to heal some of the pain in his heart that maybe she couldn't fully heal. Because, ultimately, all that mattered was that he dealt with the pain and that he came back to her. She loved him as he was, hurt and pained or healed and happy or even somewhere in between.

And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's all the same
Hours slide by and days go by
Till you decide to come
But in-between it always seems too long

There wasn't a clock in their living room. There was no need for it since the school bells governed their lives. She didn't really care what time it was anyways. It didn't matter because eventually he would come back to her no matter how many hours and minutes had passed since he left. However, this day every year, Hermione always wished that there was a clock. One of those big ones like the Weasleys' had so that she would know that he was ok – so that she could see his tracking hand pointing at the word "Safe."

She had begun to doze when she heard the soft tread of his boots coming into their living room. Slightly drowsy, Hermione breathed an audible sigh of relief as she drank in the lank black hair and long robes that he always favored. Despite the fact that she knew he would come back, she always had that small sense of doubt in the back of her head. But, as always, he came straight to the chair she was sitting in and laid his head in her lap. Hermione watched the fire reflecting in those black locks that obscured his face as she gently stroked his hair.

Suddenly
But I have the skill, yeah
I have the will, to breath you in while I can
However long you stay is all that I am
I don't mind, I don't care
As long as you're here

Hermione savored those moments when he laid his head in her lap. It was the only time he ever showed any sign of weakness to her. She loved that he was strong and would always protect her. But these moments were the ones that let her know that he needed her just as much as she needed him.

After a time she moved her hands to his shoulders and began to rub at the tense muscles there. She felt him shaking a little as the emotional exhaustion finally caught up with him and she uttered non-sense words underneath her breath. About the time that her hands were getting tired, he lifted his head and looked her in the eyes. His black, piercing eyes that usually looked so self-assured were glassy with unshed tears.

Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's always the same

They sat like that for a long time. He was staring into her eyes, drinking in the acceptance and the love just as his body drank in the heat from the fire. And slowly, ever so slowly she saw him relax. And finally, he broke the silence.

"Hermione," he whispered, as if he was afraid that talking to loudly would break the silent spell that they were under. "I'm so sorry, love. I'm so sorry that I left you again."

A gentle smile made its way onto Hermione's face. Not a full smile but an accepting, loving smile that still held just the smallest hint of sadness. She took his face in her hands and gently rubbed circles on his cheeks with her thumbs. "It's alright, love. It's alright. I knew you would come back to me. You always come back to me Severus."

"I love you so much Hermione. You don't deserve this. You don't deserve to have such a broken man. You deserve so much better.

Hermione hated this part of their yearly routine almost more than she hated watching him walk out on her at the beginning of the day. She hated the part where he tried to convince her to leave him. Sometimes, he was too noble for his own good. And when mixed with his shaky emotions, his nobility led him to push her away.

"Severus, don't you dare say that. I love you, you silly man. And, believe it or not, I need you. Don't say such things. I'm not going anywhere no matter what."

Wrong or Right
Black or White
If I close my eyes
It's all the same
In my life
The compromise
I'll close my eyes
It's all the same

"How do you put up with me? Every year I leave because I don't know how to deal with this day. I can't be here and remember his death. He meant so much to me and I betrayed him." The longer he talked, the softer his words became. And at the end he looked at her with that small gleam of hope in his eyes. He was waiting for her forgiveness, her absolution, his salvation. And she gave it to him without any hesitation.

"I'm sure that Albus has forgiven you, love. He never did anything but love you. He knew what would happen that night, probably better than you did. Albus forgave you. And I forgive you, Severus Snape. I forgive you."

And then, as if they had practiced it, they both stood up at the same time and reached for each other. They stood in the arms of the one they loved and reaffirmed their feelings. And in that embrace they said so much more than words could ever communicate. They told each other that they loved them – that they forgave them for all the wrongs that they had each committed. Because, in the end, both knew it didn't matter what they did as long as they had the other. They could face anything together.

Go ahead say it
You're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are now
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

Hermione lay in Severus' arms that night unable to sleep. This was her part of their yearly ritual. When he came back to her, she stayed up all night, healing her heart. In the dark she would trace the contours of his face as he slept. She would memorize the feel of his arms around her and the sound of his gentle snores. She would remember all the good times and all of the bad times that they'd have together and she would wrap those warm memories around her like a shield against the world. Secretly, Hermione would send a quiet prayer out to the universe that someday, Severus would not leave her on this day of the year.

And, as Hermione lay in Severus' arms that night she felt just the smallest twinge of hope for this day in the future. After all, each year he came back to her sooner than the year before. And this year, he had finally told her why he left each year.

A/N: The song used in this story is "All the Same" by Sick Puppies. I do not own this song, nor do I own the characters is this story, I am just exercising the muses. I hope you all enjoyed this; I have been sitting on part of this story for almost two years, trying to find time to work on it around school. But, I finally graduated in May and now I have time to return to fan fiction. Oh, and if any of you read my WIP, I lost all of the chapters that I had written and am slowly rehashing the story. An update is imminent. I'd say no later than January, depending on how much work I have from my job. As always, reviews of every kind are always welcome!