Hey, everyone! This fic has been building in my head since the Klaine kiss. Spawned from there. And in case you managed to miss it in the summary, this has spoilers for Original Song (2x16). As always, please review!
Disclaimer: Glee doesn't belong to me. If it did, Kurt would have spent this episode kissing Puck.
I Can't Go Back And Undo This
One-Shot
He hadn't taken his eyes off the road the entire drive home from Dalton. Switched between rushing back and delaying it, because...
How was he supposed to tell Puck that he and Blaine had...
He felt sick, but beneath that, there was a happiness that made him hate himself all the more.
He'd liked kissing Blaine. Had kissed him more than once.
Forgot about the boy he had in Lima. The one that had asked him out after Sectionals. Made him this beautiful dinner and apologized for his less than fancy home. The one whose hand had been shaking the first time they kissed.
Puck who was still so terrified of what he was feeling that in the months since that first date, they hadn't gone past making out in Puck's locked bedroom.
His dad always thought he was with one of the girls when he was really with Puck.
His boyfriend.
The one he cheated on.
Kurt's eyes burned as he pulled into Puck's driveway, bottom lip red from biting on it for two hours.
What had he done?
He liked Blaine. He and Puck both knew that. Puck hadn't even looked at him as he called him out on it. He'd told Puck it wouldn't go anywhere. Promised him.
"He doesn't want me."
"So I'm the consolation prize?"
"No! I didn't mean that! I meant that you don't need to worry."
His legs felt weak as he knocked on the door and his hand gripped the railing so tight that his knuckles turned white. Puck was smiling this contained smile when he opened the door, like he was waiting until he could pull Kurt inside and into his room before he'd let it fully show.
It disappeared a second later. Puck's shoulders fell. Kurt swore he saw something in Puck's eyes break.
"You kissed him."
The words were whispered. A statement. Resigned.
"Yes."
He hadn't listened any further past Kurt's response before he shut the door. Leaned against it and slid to the floor as Kurt kept knocking, begging him to open the door. For another chance.
No.
He wasn't stupid. He'd been with enough people to know how to read them. It was all on Kurt's face. Yeah. He was sorry, but part of the countertenor didn't regret it.
His sister looked up from her coloring book, holding his hand like she understood. Who knows. Maybe she did. She'd seen Kurt over the house before. Seen them sneak past their mom more than once.
The first tear (the only tear he let himself truly shed) fell when he heard Kurt give up and the Navigator drive away.
He wondered if it was all worth it as he kissed Sarah's head and went to his room (to hide?). When he'd asked Kurt out, off to the side as two schools celebrated a joint win together, he'd felt ready to be sick. Wanted to punch a wall like he'd done the night he jerked off and it was Kurt's name on his lips when he came.
It hadn't been a perfect situation. Puck knew that. Kurt wanted a boyfriend that he could hold hands with as they walked outside and Puck had been too chicken shit. Hadn't been ready for Goddamn anything. Not for anything past heated kisses with another boy.
He'd come thisclose to booking it when Rachel walked up to him after her party and said she saw him kiss Kurt. She'd never said anything after that. Just quietly accepted that he and Kurt were something. He thought about texting her then as he sat with his back to the headboard, pillow clutched against his chest like some stupid teenage girl that had just had her heart broken.
But maybe it was a little broken.
He thought he might maybe have loved Kurt.
He'd been thinking about telling his mom.
Didn't matter anymore.
He and Kurt were over.
It didn't mean it hurt any less as he sat beside Rachel in the audience and watched Kurt and Blaine sing together. She held his hand between the seats when his eyes started to tear. Never asked. Knew.
She wasn't as oblivious as people liked to think either. She knew what a lot of people didn't say. Just liked to pretend to herself sometimes that if she ignored it, it wasn't true.
Like Finn and Quinn.
He chanced a glance at them, wondering if Quinn thought the tears were for the daughter that turned a year old today. Some were. Some tears would always be for the little girl he'd never get to raise, but right now, the main cause of the watery blur was from the way Kurt and Blaine's voices melded together.
Rachel squeezed his hand and he forced a smile. He let her pull him up to dance along with the Warbler's second song, but he didn't even listen to what they sang. His eyes were on Kurt as he tried to pretend that his chest didn't hurt like it did the day he signed his daughter away.
She squeezed his hand again before she went out to perform her solo. Gave him a look that said she understood and as she sang, he knew she really fucking did.
Winning was bittersweet. Standing on stage with Kurt only feet away. He made sure his back was to his ex (motherfucking ow) as the others celebrated and he gave a smile that was still partly forced. Felt Kurt's eyes burning a hole in his back as he stood there.
Pretended that he hadn't stumbled for a second when Kurt and the rest of the audience pulled out those damn foam fingers that they'd joked about weeks before. He hadn't thought Kurt would actually do it. Wondered when he'd gotten around to buying them all, before or after the kiss.
He sat next to Rachel on the ride home. Let her pull him away from Lauren (nothing more than a lie) with a comment that she wanted to talk to him about the performance. They sat in the back of the bus.
Didn't say a word the entire drive.
Puck would have laughed at them for holding a funeral for a bird.
He stood next to Blaine, phone on vibrate in his pocket, and wished that it would buzz. Puck hadn't spoken to him since that day on the other boy's doorstep.
He'd ruined everything.
Standing at Pavarotti's grave, he listened to Blaine talk about his mom's funeral like he understood anything about that day when he didn't. Listened to him talk about performing at Gaps (did he really think that was funny?) and nursing homes. Could almost hear Puck's snorted comment that those old timers probably turned off their hearing aids the second Blaine opened his mouth.
He wished he was with his friends and celebrating a win that should have been all of theirs.
Wished it was him instead of Mr. Schue that hugged Puck up on stage.
"You did win. So did I. We got each other out of all this."
Funny. This didn't feel like winning, standing in a cold, empty park when he really just wanted to be curled up in Puck's bed with him.
Blaine held out his hand and Kurt took it, because...what else could he do?
Puck wouldn't take him back. Not after he did the one thing he promised he'd never do. He'd made his bed and now he had to lie in it. That kiss with Blaine should never have happened, but it did. He'd liked Blaine then and maybe a part of him still did.
Maybe he'd be able to like him more. Be able to make himself like him. Forget about Puck and the idea that he might have been falling in love with the other boy.
And if Blaine turned into Puck in his mind the next time they kissed?
He'd cry about it in the privacy of his own room.
The End
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