even the stars found their way home
'We're a bunch of washed-up nowhere kids, hopelessly infected by the broken heart disease, inescapably inflicted with a suicidal tendency.'
The first time they talk about death, they're on the school bleachers. The sky is darkening and lone clouds drift above them, ominous.
"It just hurts, you know?" She says, voice soft but determined. "The pain isn't even acute anymore. At first, it was throbbing and stinging, loud and unyielding, desperate to be felt. But now, it's just… settled. It's as if my entire body has absorbed the pain. It feels like… like the pain has settled inside my bone marrow, like it's leaked into my veins. The throb has deepened into a harsh beat in tandem with my pulse. When I dream, when I wake, when I breathe; all the time, the throbbing is there. And it won't go away."
When she looks up at him, her eyes are clouded. Perhaps she's looking through him—he can't tell. He's not used to seeing her like this—raw, open and hollow. It scares the hell out of him. But secretly, this side of Marley also thrills him, sends rushes of cold fear through his being,
"I don't know if that makes sense. But that's just how it feels to me. Does it make sense to you?" She finally looks at him—he's sure now. Her eyes are wide, reproaching, desperate for validation. Despite what she's been through, her eyes still brim with a rare, untouched innocence.
"Of course it makes sense. That's exactly how it feels to me too." He looks at her, and sees the light of an almost-smile in the darkness of her eyes. "I couldn't have thought of a better way to phrase it. That's how it has always felt."
He stops talking then. Her words repeat in his mind, and an odd comfort settles at the center of his chest. He thinks it probably is the comfort of being understood. The moment is still, and grey. He watches the cold wind blow clouds into shapes. In the storm clouds, he sees the form of Jameson, his puppy who died a puppy, and remembers the salty tears of heartbreak when he first learnt of the pain of lost love. He sees his mother crying under bed sheets, after his drunken dad had left and never came back. And then he sees Marley's crestfallen face in the clouds, turned away from the light to hide her tears. He remembers what happened, and what had been happening in school. The throb of blood rushing to his ears becomes louder. He thinks of them, the cruel words they had shot at her- dirt from the ghetto, child of a slut, fat bitch. He remembers the red mush of lunch, cooked by her mother, they had shoved into her face, and the way they jeered and laughed at her, taunting, mocking, unbearable. The words had stopped his heart. Now, they fill him with an irrepressible rage, and make him want to break their necks.
As time passed, it was only getting worse.
"People are shit." He suddenly says, breaking the silence. "Life is hell. People are rude, unfeeling, soulless pieces of shit who deserve nothing of what they have." His voice escalates in building rage. His speech is thick with the injustice of life, and hate for all that was. His clenched fists patterns his taut arms with the purple of protruding veins.
Marley places a soft hand on his, and his voice softens.
"I just wish this could all disappear, you know? Sometimes, I wonder what it'll be like to just… disappear. To feel nothing, to be nothing. To be gone."
The ghost of a smile hovers on Marley's lips.
"I wonder the same thing too." Her voice is stronger than before. When she speaks, there is an eerie conviction about her that sends chills through Jake's body.
"Do you think we could try it? Leave this hellhole together? I'm sick and tired of this. I can't live with the pain and I want to leave. Could we?"
The dark word suicide sends alarm bells ringing in Jake's head. His rational mind yells at him to stop, stop yourself, and please, stop her, before it's too late. But something in him feels unexplainably drawn to the danger of the idea. There is an eerie, haunting chill at the thought. He imagines his dad's face when he finds out that his son, who he had callously abandoned for some other woman, was dead. He pictures the bullies knowing that they had caused this, and being punished with regret for the rest of their lives. A sadistic pleasure fills him, fueling him with the resolve that propels his next all-determining response.
"Yes." He said, and Marley smiles, for the first time in months.
"Let's do it."
The next time they talk about death, they're lying on the school field. Leaves pile in crumpled heaps on the ground, decaying and rotting in shades of dirty browns and dark grey-purples, reminiscent of bruises. The frosty wind bites them on their cheeks and on their arms, leaving behind red marks. Jake moves closer to Marley, and wraps his jacket around her shivering frame.
Her teeth are chattering relentlessly when she speaks, her voice quivering with the cold. "How are we going to do it?"
He pauses awhile, contemplating the question. They had made the decision two weeks ago, and truth to be told, he was clueless about the actual practicalities behind the act. (They refused to say the word suicide aloud, because it sounded wrong and incorrect, like a sin. It probably was wrong, but to them, it felt right, and it felt inevitable.)
"Drugs? We could OD. It's over the tabloids all the time. Celebrities do it. It's effective. And painless, I imagine."
Marley shrugs. "How about a noose? We could do it here. Use that tree as leverage." She points to an old oak tree with strong branches that could probably withstand their weight, a reasonable height, at least a head above Jake.
"We could jump. The tallest building in Lima is what- ten storeys? That would work."
At Jake's suggestion, Marley lets out a small laugh. Jake looks at her quizzically, his eyebrows arching upward in disbelief.
"We're talking about how we're going to die—and you laugh?"
Marley laughs harder, and in between giggles, she speaks, "I'm sorry. It's just… it's just…" She catches her breath. "I keep imagining us jumping off a building, and then flapping our arms, and flying. Like how Dumbo the elephant did in that Disney movie! Except he flapped his ears. If only we had big ears. We could fly away together!"
This time, it's Jake's turn to laugh. He prods her playfully, and she rolls over in laughter. He rolls over too, until he's hovering on top of her. In between laughter, he teases, "Trust you to bring up a Disney movie in a moment that was supposed to be serious and dark!"
When they realize the proximity of their faces, and how their limbs are intertwined, they stop laughing. Jake looks at Marley and something in him changes. He remembers their mortality, and he remembers Marley's youth. Looking into Marley's eyes –bright, but gradually dimming into grey- he sees… a future.
"Flying away together," he says, his fingers laced with hers. "I'd like that. I'd like that a lot." In the evening light, Marley smiles again.
The third time they talk about death, it is inadvertent, and Marley is crying. It has been three weeks since the last time they talked about it, and Jake was pretty sure they called the plan off, but now he's pretty sure it's happening—and happening soon.
They're on the bleachers again, and in between aggressive sobs that edge on violence, Marley begs, "I want to do it, Jake. I want to do it soon, and I want this to be over!"
Her voice is desperate, reckless, and her eyes are wild. Jake hadn't been there when they confronted her, he hadn't heard the words that were said. But he did see the desperation in her mother's eyes when she looked for him in English class. When she had asked for him to be excused halfway through a test. Jake, I don't know what to do. That was all it took to send him bolting to her spot, their spot.
"I hate them. I hate them, I hate them, and I hate me." She turns toward Jake, and buries her face in Jake's shoulder, soaking his T-shirt.
"Marley," his voice cracks like broken porcelain, and he holds her close, breathing in the scent of her hair. "You don't mean that. Things were getting better. We were getting better."
As soon as he speaks, she goes stiff in his arms and sits up. Her sobs stop immediately, and she looks at him, glare penetrating and deeply cutting. Her eyes are filled with the same conviction as when she first brought up the topic five weeks ago. This time, though, her eyes are dark and threatening, and it scares Jake.
"I thought of all people, you would understand," Her tone is scathing, and Jake recoils.
"I thought we were in this together. After all this time, you're going to back out? Turn back on your word like they all do?"
Her voice is leering, malicious. "I thought I could trust you."
Jake couldn't say no. He couldn't. Not to those beautiful eyes. Not to the girl he knew he loved.
"If this is what you really want?" He asks, unsure.
"It is," Her voice rings with confidence. "It is."
They are lying in the shadows cast by the old oak tree, somewhere on their school field. The evening sky is quickly blushing into night, and even the stars have found their way home, running into constellations. Jake's pocket is enlarged with the barrel of a handgun. There is something quietly peaceful, even beautiful about the night. But Jake knows the beauty is fleeting, that soon, the moment would be lost forever. They would be lost forever.
"I would lie here with you, forever, you know?" Jake says, turning to face Marley. He can't help but notice how beautiful she looks, features cast in the dim glow of the pale moon.
"I know," Marley's voice is soft, tentative, and shy. "Me too."
Jake feels her hand on his, as she sits slightly up. "Jake?"
"Yes?" He wishes this would last forever now, he hears the seconds losing their battle.
"Thank you." He hears the sincerity in her voice, and he hears her tears. His eyes become wet as well.
"Thank you," she repeats, her words quivering, losing their grip. "Thank you, for being here for me, always. You are the best thing that has happened to me for a long time now."
When Marley says that, tears run down Jake's face. Thoughts and emotions, feelings and memories rush into his mind, and into his heart.
They look up at the sky, and Marley follows the constellations with her eyes.
"What do you think will happen after, Jake?" She points upward, her finger tracing outlines in the night sky.
He chokes on his words, when he speaks. "See those stars, Marley? With every star, there's another us. There are an infinite number of 'me's and 'you's up there. And when we're gone here, we'll be up there, somewhere else, in the infinity of the galaxy."
"Do you think we'll be happy there, Jake?" Her voice shakes harder, and Jake notices her fear.
"If we are together, we will be happy, no matter where we are."
"Marley…" Jake speaks again. "Can we think about this a little more? Don't you ever wonder about us? We're young. Things get better. We'll get better. Time heals everything."
Marley's eyes darkened once more. "We've had time. Too much time. And it's been too much." Her voice is desperate now. "I can't sleep at night. I will myself not to fall asleep, never to fall asleep, because when I do, all I see is them. All I see is cruelty and hurt and betrayal. And it hurts. How much do I have to say to tell you how much it hurts?"
The world is a blur behind his film of tears. Jake grabs Marley and holds her against his chest, feels her heartbeat against his. His mind is a whirlwind and he needs to think clearly and quickly. He needs to find a way out. Because it's clear to him now—he knows that sadness is temporal and he wants Marley to know that too. He's felt the hurt and he knows that it gets better.
Marley is still, and suddenly she moves frantically. In a split second, Jake feels her hand on his back pocket. In a blur of immediate movement, Jake sees the last sad glimmer of her eyes. Suddenly, there is a deafening shot that pierces the stillness of the night, and a ear-piercing scream that cuts right through Jake's thoughts. A numbness rings in the aftershocks of the sound, and Jake takes a few moments to regain his bearings. He feels a stark, mind-numbing pain, and for a moment, he thinks he is dying.
But then he realizes that the pain is just the shock-induced headache that pounds at him from within. Slowly, the world realigns into focus, and the post-shot tremors settle. The wizened trees regain their balance, and the air around them is cold and harsh.
But when Jake turns, his face goes pale, and he can't breathe. He can't breathe, he can't think, and he can't feel. He sees the mess of her brown hair, the departure of the life in her blue eyes, and a blur of bright, sickening red. The red is fluid and it runs in rivers, staining Marley's clothes. Her hand is cold, as it releases its grip on the gun, collapsing into lifelessness.
The moments afterward are a blur-calling the ambulance, picking Marley up, and running. Running faster than he had ever before, his lungs and heart nearly giving way, but fueled with the all-empowering need to keep her alive.
He remembers blood on his shirt, on his face, and on his hands. He remembers how limp and lifeless she looked in his arms, and how he daren't look further at where the gunshot had pierced her body. He remembers the sheer sickness he felt at looking at her dead, and how he knew, at once, that that was the worst sight he had ever seen. He remembers paramedics, red lights, and uncontrollable sobbing. He remembers his hand in hers, and he remembers begging her to wake up. He remembers the thoughts that overwhelmed his being, with strength and belief and conviction and truth and clarity:
I love you, Marley, I want to be with you, I want a life with you, I want to live for you, and want a forever with you. I want to get through this with you. I want to love you. Let me love you, Marley. Let us heal together. Let this not be the end.
"It appears the gunshot missed her heart. It punctured a lung, and possibly a kidney, she lost a lot of blood, and she's in the operating theatre now. But yes, sir, she is still breathing. She's suffered pretty harsh injuries, but she's still breathing. And yes, she will recover. Gunshots give pretty tough wounds, but given time, she will regain her motor control, and she will be okay."
When she first wakes up five days after, Jake rushes to her side. As Marley's eyes blink open, blissfully unaware of what had happened, Jake sees the Marley he had first met, and had first fallen in love with. He recognises the bright-eyed girl, who overflowed with optimism and laughter, who believed in people and believed in hope.
As the world realigns, Marley parts her lips to speak. "Jake, where are we? Is this what heaven looks like?"
Jake collapses into a mess of tears as he wraps his arms around her, holding her close and promising to never let go, never again.
"Yes, Marley, this is heaven." She seems to understand, and through her tears, she smiles too.
The first time they talk about life, it's six months after. They're lying on their school field again, far away from the old oak tree. This time, the trees are ripe with summer leaves, and yellow flowers blossom in small clusters around them. Jake plucks a golden dandelion from the grass and tucks it in Marley's hair. Marley laughs, and then grimaces at the slight pulse of pain behind her white bandage wrapped around her torso. And then she laughs again.
The weeks after the incident, Marley and Jake had been the talk of the school. Although they stayed out of school till two months after, their story spread like wildfire through Limo Ohio, patterned across headlines. Interestingly, the incident seemed to remind people of their humanity, and people had sent in flowers and cards and teddy bears to Marley's hospital room, people they hardly knew. Three weeks after, a visit marked the turning point for Marley and Jake. The boys and girls who had been responsible for the mean words and the lunch-thrown-in-faces had come to apologise. They hung their heads low as they looked at the machines surrounding her hospital bed, and the blood stained bandages that held her tiny frame together. They refused to look Marley in the eye, and Jake knew that they knew. They knew what they had almost caused, and they knew that this was miracle that saved them from a lifetime of regret. That was enough for Jake, and he knew things would get better.
"What are you thinking about?" Jake turns to Marley, a small smile on his lips. He gazes at the way the sun lights up her face, and sees how her eyes have matured in the last six months.
Marley turns to him, and blushes. Her eyes are almost bashful, and Jake feels his heart stumble over its beat.
"I'm thinking about being alive… about the miracle of being here. We pretty much stared death in the face, and I can't believe we did. It was brave. But it was stupid. Never, ever again…"
"…Jake?" Marley's voice is tentative, reproachful.
Jake turns and nods. He places his hand over her smaller one, and intertwines his fingers with hers.
"In those five days I was gone… Wherever I was, all I could think of… was you."
And then she's closer to him, her lips on his. He wraps his arms around the small of her back, and kisses her back, long and slow. He tastes peppermint on her lips, and he closes his eyes, and sees stars exploding in the darkness. Her heartbeat is fast against his chest; she's nervous and he's nervous, but there's nothing more either of them wanted. Marley pulls back, breath quick and jagged, and Jake looks at how beautiful she looks, with her brown hair framing her small face, and the shyness and earnestness of her eyes.
"I love you, you know that?" Jake says, and Marley's cheeks turn even darker red.
She looks down and then looks back up, smiling shyly once more. Jake could definitely get used to her smiling this much. "I love you too, Jake." And he mirrors her smile.
In that moment, as they lay underneath the blue summer sky, Marley lying in Jake's arms, their eyes locked permanently into each other, one thing was for sure: this was perfect, they were happy, they were in love, and in that moment, they had never felt more alive.
AN: Thank you for reading :) Please review, and let me know if you'll like to read more!