What could I possibly say here to justify the existance of such a thing?

Griffin

Sunny meadow surrounded by bleachers

There is a grey border around the outside of the screen, indicating a television inside a television. Scene opens to a BLOND WOMAN in a red leotard complete with a long cape. The woman throws a silver Frisbee into the air. It dances in an intricate pattern - loops and such. She lights her cape on fire and then tosses it, and it neatly wraps itself around the Frisbee. The Frisbee moves in a circle, and she flips through the resulting flaming loop. The cape flutters behind her, momentarily spelling out "Thank you" in flaming letters before she catches the Frisbee and bows to a panel of three JUDGES.

Judges hold up signs:
JUDGE 1: [9.8]
JUDGE 2: [9.6]
JUDGE 3: [9.3]

OFF SCREEN VOICE: an impressive performance by contestant number 73. She's had a very good year, and this display pulls her into first place.
ANOTHER OFF SCEEN VOICE: The next contestant, number 48, was last year's winner, but I don't know if she can beat that….

BLACK HAIRED WOMAN in a black leather outfit. She gives a high pitched wail, and then throws the Frisbee, which ricochets off a bleacher, flings back so fast the camera can barely keep up, and slices through 73's wrist. 73 pulls arm up in horror. Before she can scream, the Frisbee bounces back and forth between a tree and a water cooler, cutting her into slices. The camera focuses on her head toppling, then zooms in on the judges.

Judges 1 and 2 glance nervously at each other. Both hold up [10]s. Judge 3, oblivious, holds up [9.5]. 48 glares at him, and he quickly exchanges it for a [10].

FIRST VOICE: And a perfect performance for 48! I think we have a winner, folks….
OTHER VOICE: What are you talking about? Even if you take the artistic murder of the blond chick into consideration, it was a crude performance. The echoes from the ricochets were unharmonic… and let's not even go into the angles….

While the off screen voice is rambling, 48 turns to camera… glares… pulls back Frisbee-holding arm….

The scene flashes to an image of a blond man scowling out from a background of black girders and orange flame, before going black.

The Griffins' living room. Peter, Lois and Brian are sitting on the couch, and Meg is lying in front of it. Instead of staring at the television they're glaring at Peter, who's holding the remote.

Peter: There's just so much women's discus a man can take. (Points remote at camera….)

Cut to Credits.

Griffins' backyard. Nighttime. The family and their neighbours (Joe, Debbie, Cleaveland, Loretta, Quagmire, etc) can be seen scattered around a giant bonfire.

Cleaveland: This bonfire was a good idea, Lois.
Lois: I'm glad *you're* enjoying yourself.
Cleaveland: I'll admit though, when Peter first told me about national pyromaniac day, I thought he was making it up.
Chris walks up to them.
Chris: Look, Mom. I found more firewood. (Holds it over fire.)
Lois: Chris, no! That's a cat!
Chris: But Dad said I could burn it. (Cat hisses and scratches at him.) Ah!
Lois: I don't care. Let it go.
Chris: Okay…
Chris lets the cat go - right into the fire. The cat jumps out, screeching, and runs off: a streak of flame.
Chris: Bye-bye, Pussy.
Lois: Chris! That's a terrible word. Pussy….
Chris: I wonder if poo burns.

Lois walks over to Meg.
Lois: Have you seen your father?
Meg. No. (Watches a leaf drift into the fire.) Hey, Mom, Kevin said once he built a fire, and it was next to a tree, so then the tree caught on fire, and there was a person in the tree…
Lois: That's nice, honey.
Quagmire approaches.
Quagmire: Hey, Lois! I need some help. I don't know which is hotter - you or the fire… and I've already tried out the fire. Diggity Diggity… (Leans towards Lois, face twisting into a grimace.) Need… Burn…. Salve….
Lois: Meg, why don't you take care of this? (Sees Peter and walks towards him.)
Meg: (looks rather disturbed) Okay… This way, Mr. Quagmire.
Quagmire: I don't know. I might need some help rubbing it on.
Meg: Mom!
Quagmire: Allll riiiight.

Peter tosses an armful of stuff in the fire. A loud crash and breaking glass is heard. Amongst the pile are crystal champagne glasses, a family photograph, the Mona Lisa, and Canadian currency. Lois walks up to him.
Lois: Peter, did you tell Chris he could burn a cat?
Peter: No. Oh, wait… no. No.
Lois: Peter, did you tell Chris he could burn a cat?
Peter: Oh, wait… did you mean a cat?
Lois: Peter…
Peter: mhmm… mhmm… No. Oh wait, oh wait… yes. What was the question again?
Lois just stares.
Peter: No, it's okay. I've got it back now. Four. Definitely four. And a half, if you're counting the left foot.
Lois: Cat, Peter.
Peter: Oh, right. Oh, right. Yes. No, wait… Yes.

Flashback. On stage, people are prancing around in cat suits. Peter and Chris are sitting in the dark theatre. Peter pulls out a lighter and waves it above his head.
Chris: That's neat, Dad. Can I try?
Peter: Sure. (Gives Chris the lighter.) Now just move it back and forth.
Chris: Like this? (Throws it on stage.)
Off screen: Meaaaagggghhhh!
Peter: That's pretty good for your first time.
Fire alarm sounds.
Chris: Now what?
Peter: Now we blend into the crowd and run away as soon as no one's looking.
(As they exit the building, we see a human shaped fire running around the stage.)
Chris: Did I kill him?
Peter: It's okay. He wasn't going to pass on his genetic material anyway.

Back to the bonfire.
Peter: Heh heh. What colour was it?
Lois: I don't know. Brown maybe? Does it matter?
Peter: Well, anything brown is firewood, right?
Lois: Is this like that time you thought anything that started with an I was ice cream?

Flaskback. School classroom. Elementary school, judging by the size of the desks.
Woman: Hi, I'm Miss Idlebun, your son's teacher.
Peter: I'm going to eat you.
Woman: Oh, you. (giggles)
Peter: (takes out ice cream scoop and chocolate sauce)
Woman: (seductive) Now, Mr. Griffin. What will your wife s - aaagghh!

Back to present.
Lois: (muttering) …cking tramp….. (sighs) Peter, its getting late. How much longer is this bonfire going to last?
Peter: At a guess?
Lois: Why not?
Peter: 40 days and 40 nights.
Lois: Right. I'm going to put the kids to bed…
Peter: Yeah. I guess three in the morning is an okay bedtime. It's just, well, you know how kids are with rules. You say three, and suddenly Meg has a school thing until four, or Stewie wants to go bar hopping with his friends….

Flashback. Playground. Nighttime.
Stewie, holding his teddybear, Rupert, is dangling from a monkey bar while other kids move past.
Stewie: Oh really, isn't this a worthwhile endeavor. (Kid jostles him on her way past.) Watch where you're going, you diminutive tramp. If I'm forced to relinquish my precarious hold on this structure, do not think my vengeance shall be swift and painless. (pauses, as if listening to Rupert.) What did you say? (pause) Well, perhaps my upper body strength would be sufficient if I didn't have to lug your dead weight around…

Back to bonfire.
Lois: Are you done?
Peter: Almost.

Momentary picture of Stewie dangling.

Peter: There. What were you saying?
Lois: (picking up where Peter cut her off) …somewhere where they don't have to worry about burning to death in their sleep.
Peter: huh?
Lois: I'm taking them to a hotel.
Peter: That's crazy, Lois. It's national pyromaniac day. Nowhere is safe. Nowhere!
Lois: I don't care. I can't take much more of this. The fire is attracting bugs.
Peter and Lois look to the street. Volkswagen Beatles line their side of the road several layers thick. An old fashioned white one driving down the road begins swerving to join them.

Inside Car.
Dark Haired Man grapples with the wheel.
Man: Dammit Herbie. When God invented cars, he gave them steering wheels for a reason.
More grappling.
Man: Do you want me to phone the junkyard? Do you? It's not like I don't have options… we both saw the look that yellow number was giving me. And she was a 2003 model!! 2003!

As we pan back to the couple, we pause on Stewie, who is on the opposite side of the fire, blowing at it. There is little effect.
Stewie: (Between huffing and puffing) Come on, fire. She's not far. A few feet ahead. (pauses, glares at Rupert) You know, I am sick of hearing your comments. I am well within the physical standards for my age group. (pause) You'd like that, wouldn't you. Perhaps if I'm not successful using the flames to destroy Lois, you'll do as an acceptable substitute.
Brian: (staggering by, martini in paw) You know you won't go through with it.
Stewie: You stay out of this, dog.

Camera follows Brian. As he approaches Lois, Peter runs off into the house.
Brian: Is he still mad about the steak? Because he should really leave his leftovers in a better place.

Flashback. Griffins' kitchen.
There is a steak on the floor, covered with something mushy and vaguely green. Brian makes a disgusted face, picks it up by a corner and, being careful to hold it as far away from himself as possible, walks to the garbage and throws it in.
Peter (off screen): I was going to eat that!

Back.
Lois: No. He's thought of a way to get rid of the bugs.
Brian: Charge them money. I've been saying it for years. They're taking advantage of you, Lois.
(Peter runs outside carrying a huge orange container with a yellow nozzle.)
Brian: Is that what I think it is?
Lois: Kids! Get over here. Now!
Peter: No, it's okay. I know what I'm doing.
Brian: Peter, unfortunately I think I know what you're doing, too. And it involves a lot of gasoline.
Peter: What are you talking about?
Brian: (gestures to container)
Peter: You want my orange juice?
Lois: You put orange juice in a gas can?
Peter: Yee…esss….
Brian: I don't believe you.
Peter: Then I guess I'll have to prove it to you! (Throws head back and drinks out of nozzle. Dark liquid dribbles down his face.) Mmm…. High octane orange juice. (Gulping noises.) Excuse me….
(Peter runs off.)
Peter (off screen): (retching noises) … Oh god! …. (more retching)
(Peter comes back.)
Peter: See? Good, healthy, orange juice.
Lois: Peter, were you going to set them on fire!?
Peter: No. I was going to offer them free orange juice. But now that you've thought of it…. And, I didn't think you were getting into the holiday spirit.
(Lois grabs the can, and they get into a pulling match.)
Lois: I'm not going to let….
(The container flies out of their hands into the fire, which explodes upwards.)
Off screen: Meaaaagggghhhh!
(A human figure, covered in flame except for a few distinctive pieces of a cat costume, jumps out of the fire and runs off in the direction the other cat went.)
Peter: Well, that's just great, Lois. Are you happy now?
Lois: What are you talking about?
Fire spreads towards street. Off screen sound of explosions, squealing tires, an engine having trouble starting, more squealing tires.
Brian: (Drains his martini) But at least you don't have to worry about bugs anymore.
(A huge brown insect crashes into the fire.)
Brian: (sighs. Takes a silver flask out of his coat, shakes the remaining few drops into his martini glass, replaces the flask, and re-drains the glass.)
Lois: What the hell? There's people in there!
Peter: Well, duh. What do you think giant mutant moths eat, Lois? Salad?

Flash to fancy restaurant.
Two insects are seated in a plush, red velvet booth. A (human) waitress stands at the end of the table.
Insect 1: …But do you think I could get a vinagrette type dressing instead of the almond paste? I'm trying to watch my fat intake.
Insect 2: I'll have one of these. (Points to something on menu.)
Waitress: (glances at sheet Insect 2 is showing her.) Oh, I'm sorry. You seem to have been given a map of Eurasia instead of a menu.
(Look at menu. The tip of Insect 2's leg rests on a shape labeled "Holland." Leg drifts east across map.)
Insect 2: Well, how about a Thai salad, then.

Back to Griffin's backyard. Off Lois and Brian's horrified expressions (and Peter's distracted one) to the moth at an awkward angle in the middle of the roaring fire. There's movement from the three figures inside the moth, and one of the transparent domes where the eye should be pops open. The top half of a really hot (in more ways than one) woman and a panicked looking man in a red hat emerge.
Peter: (yelling) Don't worry… I'll save you…. (turns to Lois.) Lois, what are you standing around gaping in disbelief for? Go save them!
(Joe rolls by them holding a ladder over his head. He plants one end in the ground, and the other falls onto the top of the moth. Joe then rolls up, using the sides of the ladder as a wheelchair track. Flames begin to char the ladder. He pulls the woman onto his lap, leaving the man to grasp the back of his chair. The ladder begins to buckle. Joe rolls back down, doing a somersault to avoid one area of particularly high flames, and arrives at the edge of the fire just as the ladder collapses. The woman jumps off his lap; revealing that Joe's pants are on fire. He hits at them until the fire is gone, leaving the charred remains of his jeans.)
Joe: Oh, dear God. My legs! (Starts laughing, Family Guy regulars join in.)
Woman: Thank you… for saving us… (Gives Joe a "thank you" kiss that quickly deepens.)
Debbie, Joe's perpetually pregnant wife: Ahem… (pause) …*Ahem!*
(Kiss slowly ends.)
Man: Yeah, well, not that I'm not greatful too, but maybe Xev can do the thanking for both of us.
(Xev smiles seductively at Joe, licks lips…)
Lois: Wait… weren't there three people in there?
(Focus on moth, which is quickly being consumed by the fire. There is still a person inside.)
Man: Don't worry about him. He's already dead.
Lois: Oh. I'm sorry.
Xev: Yeah. Me too. (Smiles at Joe again.)
Brian: Am I the only one who thinks there's something weird about this?
Peter: What? It's not like a giant bug with a hot chick inside doesn't crash into a thirty metre high bonfire in our backyard every night.
Brian: (stares) Peter, do you even know what a metre is?
Peter: Did I say metre? Sorry. I meant to say hot chick.
Quagmire: Where? (Spots Xev.) Hee-ellooo Nurse.
Lois: It's horrible. Her friend was just killed in the crash, and then burned to a crispy piece of charcoal in the fire. She's probably devastated. Inconsolable.
Brian: Yeah. And now she'll need someone to turn to for emotional support.
Peter: A warm, caring person to comfort her as she cries, to hold her close as she suffers through the terrible madness of grief…
(They watch for a few seconds as Xev shamelessly flirts with Joe, oblivious to Debbie's death stares. She does not seem the least bit upset.)
Quagmire: Allll riiiight….

(The man from the bug approaches Cleaveland and Loretta.)
Man: So… Hi.
(Cleaveland and Loretta stare.)
Man: Yeah, well, I guess you're a little confused, huh. I mean, this *is* a type thirteen planet, after all. I bet you're wondering who I am.
Cleaveland: (shrugs) Not really. I think I'm in shock, actually.
Loretta: You never could handle the unexpected.

Flashback to Hospital. Loretta is lying on a bed in a white room. Cleaveland is standing beside her. There is a doctor holding a kicking, howling baby, undoubtedly Cleaveland Jr..
Doctor: It's a boy!
Cleaveland: What?
Doctor: A healthy, beautiful, baby boy!
Cleaveland: A baby?
Doctor: Yes.
Cleaveland: You mean, a baby balloon?
Doctor: No. Just a regular baby.
Cleaveland: I don't get it. Didn't you say it was a balloon?
Doctor: Well, I….
Cleaveland: But I went and bought tanks of helium… I put a screen over the ceiling fan….
Doctor: That was very responsible of you, but it turned out to be a baby after all.
Cleaveland: Is it partly balloon?
Doctor: No.
Cleaveland: But it still eats helium, right?
Doctor: Um, maybe. If you mix it with milk.
Cleaveland: Special balloon milk?

Back.
Man: I'm Stanley H. Tweedle. Captain of the Lexx.
Cleaveland: Lexx?
Stan: You know, the big bug in the sky, the most powerful weapon of destruction in the two universes…
Cleaveland: (to Loretta) He's obviously never tried your meatloaf.

Xev: A poll-ees officer, hmmm. How… brave… of you.
Joe: Well, I do what I can.
Xev: I'd like to see what else you can… do.
Debbie: *AHEM*
Joe: (to Debbie) Are you feeling okay, honey? You don't sound very good. Maybe you should go home without me. I shouldn't be long.
Xev: Mmmm… I bet you would be.
Debbie: I think we should both go home. Now. (glares at Xev) Together.
Joe: What kind of officer would I be if I didn't learn how she comes.
(Off Debbie's glare.)
Joe: Er, came. In that bug thing.
(Debbie grabs the handles of Joe's wheelchair and pushes him towards their home.)
Joe: (shouting over his shoulder) I'll get a statement from you later.
(Xev pouts as she stares after him. Behind her the fire darkens slightly with an internal shadow. The shadow wavers and slowly darkens and coalesces into a vaguely human shape. The figure steps forward, and a black boot emerges from the flames, followed by a black clad leg, followed by the rest of a man with a weird hairdo dressed entirely in black. Creepy music plays as he takes another step towards Xev.)
(As he approaches from behind her, Xev glances backwards and then continues pouting after Joe.)
Xev: Hey, Kai.

Lois: (to Brian) Do you have any booze left?
Brian: Believe me, I wish I did.
Peter: (Shouting) So, um, weird guy, how come you didn't get killed by the fire. Isn't it hot enough? (to Lois) Maybe I should add some more furnature.
Xev: He *is* dead.
Brian: Could have fooled me.
Kai: Apparently. Although it was not my intention to do so.
(Peter glares suspiciously at the bonfire, and then sticks his hand in it. When he pulls it out, his sleeve is on fire. He runs around screaming in the background for awhile.)
(Everybody stares benignly at Peter for a few seconds. Then they turn back to the conversation.)
Brian: Okay, let's do this again. How did you survive?
Kai: I didn't.
Brian: Right. (Stares longingly into his empty glass and then looks to Lois.) You want to try?
Kai: I was not killed because I am already dead, and have been so for the last six thousand years.
(Off Lois and Brian's blank stares. Peter runs screaming behind them.)
Kai: The dead cannot be killed by fire. The dead cannot be killed at all.
(Off Lois and Brian's blank stares. Peter runs screaming in opposite direction from before.)
Xev: Only the living can be killed.
Peter: (standing beside Lois, normal except for some smoke drifting up from his sleeve) Oh, we already learned that.

Flashback. Lois in a black dress is standing beside an open crematory furnace thingy.
Beside her, a man in a black suit is lying on a slab.
Lois: (sniffling) Goodbye, Uncle Vinny. (Pushes him in.)
Peter: Isn't this your Uncle Jerome's funeral?
Voice From Furnace: Aaahhhh!
Lois: Oh, crap!
Peter: It's okay, honey. No one has to know.
(Camera pans to their right. An old woman in a black dress and fancy black hat is staring at them in horror. Peter's eyes scan back and forth. He walks up to the woman and pushes her into the furnace.)
Voice From Furnace: Neeaarrgghh!
Peter: It's okay honey. No one has to know.
(Camera pans to the right. A small group of girl guides is staring at them in horror. Peter's eyes scan back and forth…..)

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