Contemplation
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You're watching her again. You don't even notice yourself do it anymore; you just can't break the habit. It's natural; your eyes are drawn to wherever she is. An automatic response. McGonagall talks in the background about the importance of something, you're not sure what. You'll do the reading later, it's routine now. You stare at her, she's writing every word down, so lost in concentration. You tell yourself that's why she continues not to acknowledge your existence in the class. You stare so intently in the hope she'll turn round and smile. That's all you really want. You get lost in that smile; it reminds you of why you've held on for so long. You want to be the only one who can make her smile like that; you feel it's your responsibility. It's the only responsibility you take seriously.
Sometimes when you're sat there, watching her, you start to think about why. It's something you're asked a lot, by her, Sirius, Remus. Why. It's been 7 years to them, but to you it's been your whole life. From the moment you were born, you were meant to love her, even if you didn't know it then. You think back to that first day on the platform. The beginning of the end of your life. Because that's what it was, you think. The day you met her was the day you changed. Every day since, you've done the same thing. You've sat, watching. You don't make a conscious effort to seek her out now, it just happens. As soon as you walk into a room you'll find her. Your eyes won't leave her until something pulls you back. You'll joke with the boys, flirt with a teacher or two, but somehow your gaze will slowly drift back. It's pathetic you think, when you realise. When you're not staring at her, you're thinking about her. Sometimes you think she might have ruined your life, and you'd be better off if she'd remained out of this world, oblivious to the magic around.
She raises her hand and then she talks. You don't listen to what she says, you never do. It's the way she lights up with passion that has you enraptured. You can't see her face, but you can picture her eyes, full of excitement. After 7 years and she still hold that childlike wonder about magic, that's what you love. You don't want her to ever lose that. You'll do whatever it takes to keep that joy about her, that wonder, the passion she ignites. Against all odds you'll keep her safe in this war. That's why you stare. It's the one selfless thing about you, your love for her. All you want if for her to be happy. The only reason you've taken a step back this year. You're Head Boy; you want her to feel comfortable around you. For her to feel safe. With you. It's a long shot, you know, but slowly you're breaking through. You want to prove yourself to her, you're trying. Taking this Head thing seriously, making an effort to not attack Snivellus, you're even tutoring first years for God's sake. You don't tell anyone you secretly enjoy watching them finally get it though. But for the first time, you think she might finally be seeing you. You still pull pranks, but she laughs now. She doesn't look down on them, occasionally she'll congratulate you. But only in the safety of the Heads room. You've never loved Dumbledore as much as you did when he took you both there for the first time. You look at it as the first house you'll share with her. Instead of shutting you down, she entertains the idea when you suggest it. It gives you hope.
She turns around, and quickly you start to write, head down. You pray she hasn't caught you watching. You've come so far in the past two months; you don't want to ruin it by acting weird. It would scare her off. You hear a snicker coming from beside you, and you punch Remus in the arm. Then something happens, you glance up, and she's smiling. At you. And then, before it begun, it's over. Marlene leans over and whispers something to her, and once more you're faced with her back. She pulls her hair round to the front, and you're back to staring. You could stare at her all day, without becoming bored. And that's why. Your explanation to anyone who asks. Because it's her. The most beautiful thing you've ever seen and all you want to do is keep her safe. And stare at her. Because for you, it doesn't get better than that. For the past 7 years you've sat in this same chair, and she's sat in front of you. You wonder if McGonagall did it on purpose sometimes. To laugh, as you stare. At her. Lily.