Phineas's surgery had gone fine and he was on the mend. He wasn't going to be any better off than before, but things hadn't gotten any worse for him.
So why couldn't I be happy at this news?
"Phineas is asking for you," Dr. Stanpole had found me in the hall and stopped me.
"I know," I said softly, and I did. Brinker had already been in to visit Finny and he had told me, "Tell him I'm busy."
"He's going home in a couple of days."
"I know," I repeated, more forcefully this time, "I can't go see him."
Dr. Stanpole studied me for a moment, then nodded and walked away.
A few days later Finny was sent back home. None of us at Devon ever saw him again. Some tried to keep in touch but as we one by one left for the war, it became impossible.
Me, I didn't even try. I received many letters from him, but I didn't dare open one. Because Phineas may have forgiven me, but he didn't forgive me for what I really did. He forgave me for a stupid accident, not a purposeful attack. And no matter how much I liked to tell myself that there wasn't anything behind it, I still couldn't ignore the unmistakable feeling of satisfaction at having destroyed Finny's future.
I trudged, soaking wet, back through the mud. But as I approached the school once more I saw a figure standing staring up at the dorms I used to sleep in and as I came closer I realized it was not a student. He was leaning heavily on a cane. I suddenly recognized him.
"Finny!" I said, out loud and louder that I had intended.
His head snapped around, and his expression as our eyes met was unreadable. He moved slowly towards me, practically in wonder.
"Gene," He said softly once I was in earshot, "It's good to see you."
"You too," I murmured. I studied him for a moment. The years had not been kind to him. He had gained weight and his eyes and hair were dulled.
"Who would have thought," Finny mused, "That you would be the decorated war hero and I'm just…nobody?"
I said nothing. Instead, I made my way over to a stone bench and sat down on it, avoiding Finny's gaze. He came over next to me, his cane scraping the paved path.
"That's why you did it," There was no question, no doubt in this statement. For a moment it was like having the old Finny, so sure of himself.
I slowly nodded, then finally looked up and met his eyes.
"I'm sorry!" We both burst out at the same time. Finny's mouth twitched.
"You first," He said, "What are you sorry for?"
"Ruining your life!" I exclaimed, "I was jealous, and I tried to take your bright future away from you, and I succeeded."
I swallowed the lump in my throat. To my surprise, Finny had a smile on his face.
"Gene," He began, then paused and raised his left hand to show me a gold wedding band, "The accident was the best thing that ever happened to me. If I had gone to war, I never would have met Ruth. I'm a father, Gene, we have two little girls and a baby boy. And just because I'm not a household name across America like I planned, I mean the world to four different people, and that's all I need. I'm happier than I ever imagined, and I should be thanking you."
"So what do you have to be sorry for?" I asked.
"For not being a better friend. For pushing you too far and still outstripping you. For making you try to be like me instead of encouraging you to strive to be you," Phineas rattled off, "I'm sorry I drove you away."
"God Finny, I've missed you," I said, and soon we were embracing, both laughing and crying in a way I could never imagine doing with any man other than Phineas.
We broke apart, and he looked at me.
"Gene, you're soaking wet. Where can you get cleaned up?"
"I'm staying at the Devon Inn," I said, "Come back there with me. I'll get cleaned up and we can go grab some food and catch up,"
Phineas nodded, and we stood and walked away from the Devon school for the last time. Together.
And we never grew apart again. Letters, phone calls, visits. Our friendship was never again that of our school days, but it was better that way. We were older, more mature, smarter, and we had learned that sharing an identity as we nearly had was not the best choice. Now, Finny and I could live our lives, each in our own separate peace.