The title probably has very little to do with the fic, actually more than likely it has nothing to do with the fic, although the encounter was supposed to happen between Castiel and Joshua, not with this other player. Apparently Dark Side of the Moon has done a proper number on my little heart. I've got a whole host of fics racing through my head and all of them are angsty and hurty, because Cas is angsty and hurty and I don't like my angel like that.
Disclaimer: I keep checking and they still aren't mine. But if Kripke wants to give them to me, I'll be happy to take them.
The Gardener.
Take glass in hand, raise to lips, tip back, swallow, repeat.
Castiel has been sat in this dingy bar for hours now, even the barman is looking at him with something crossed between pity and a grudging respect for his ability to hold his drink. The edges of his vision and grace are beginning to go fuzzy, his insides numb and still he cannot quite escape from the pain that twists within at knowing that his Father does not care, that his Father does not want to be found.
"I'm sorry, kid," he recognises the hard tones of Gabriel, his Father's former messenger and a brother who abandoned them all to Zachariah's manipulation.
"For what?" He asks, downing another shot of something that stopped burning an hour ago. Gabriel sits next to him, conjuring himself some sort of cocktail that is probably very sweet and outside of this establishment's usual fair.
"For Dad," Gabriel closes his lips around a straw and takes a sip of the syrupy liquid. "I've been down here so long, did you even think that I would have seen him in all that time if he wanted to be found?"
It is something that Castiel has not considered, had never thought of, because Gabriel was hiding so he had no need to look for an errant Father who does not seem to care about his children. It hurts to know that He has been avoiding them for so much longer than this fight has been taking place.
"You should have told me," he growls instead, taking another drink as his vision starts to go hazy.
"Would you have listened if I had?" Gabriel responds and Castiel remains silent at that. "Thought not," the archangel mutters, "so why waste words? Anyway, I kind of hoped that He would want to talk to you."
"Why are you here, Gabriel?" Castiel sighs, signalling for yet another drink and watching in fascination as his hand trembles a little. The barman scowls at him, clearly deciding that he has had more than enough to drink even if he is not visibly intoxicated. He secretly suspects that the barman is right but he glares until he receives the whisky he requested anyway. He wonders how Dean tolerates it, wonders why the human thinks that this amber liquid can lessen all of his problems when all it seems to be doing for the angel is magnifying the issue.
"Can't a guy have a drink with his brother?" The lapsed archangel asks as he takes another mouthful of sticky and sweet. "Dad let us both down, bro, but this isn't the answer, no matter what those asinine Winchesters seem to think."
"I won't ask them to say 'yes'," Castiel's words are slurring as he speaks, the alcohol finally starting to get to him and he can see sorrow in Gabriel's eyes as the archangel realises just how far he has slipped down the path to falling.
"I know you won't," Gabriel snaps his fingers and the drinks are gone. "Come on, little brother, that's enough for tonight."
"You can't give me orders, Gabriel, not anymore," Castiel shrugs away from his brother's hand, eyeing the smaller vessel warily because he knows Gabriel's power and he knows what the archangel is capable of doing even to one of his own siblings.
"I'm not trying to, Castiel," he says, the hardness that came into his eyes at the lesser angel's words melting away a little. "But you are falling."
"I had not forgotten," even slurred the words carry a measure of hurt and frustration.
"I know. You're becoming more human, Castiel, and the Winchesters are not the best models of humanity to emulate."
"You think I should abandon them as our Father has abandoned us?" Castiel snaps and even the thought of leaving the brothers hurts him, they are all he has left now.
"No, your loyalties might be misplaced but you're still disgustingly dedicated to those two idiots," he smiles and Castiel lets his brother lead him from the bar and the crush of too many humans.
"What am I going to do, Gabriel?" He asks, feeling despair coiling deep in him now that he is utterly rudderless and completely without purpose. "If our Father doesn't care, what do I do?"
"I'm not the best one to ask, kid," the archangel admits, shoving hands into his pockets in a gesture that is altogether too human and yet too learnt an action to look natural now that Castiel knows the truth about the Trickster. "I gave up on Him and I've not exactly lead a wholesome existence since I left."
"It hurts," the falling angel admits softly.
"Yeah, it does," Gabriel replies, "wish I could say it gets better." He steps close and places a hand on Castiel's shoulder. "Don't make the same mistake I did, bro, it isn't worth it."
There is the softest of rustles when Gabriel vanishes, leaving Castiel with the same hollow feeling and sense of abandonment that drove him to explore Dean's chosen coping method in the first place. He puts his own hands in his pockets, feeling the heavy plastic shell of his cell phone in one and the seemingly vast emptiness of the other where the amulet once rested.
He takes out the cell phone, stares at it for a long moment and then flips it open.
"Cas?" The worry in Dean's voice tells him that he is not as alone as he thought.
Congratulations, Kripke, you've broken my heart and pulled out all the little pieces.
Artemis