I don't own X-men , so piss off and leave me alone!
Star Wars: Return of the Uncanny
(um, yeah, well, just read anyway)
Cast:
Cyclops: Luke Skywalker
Jean Grey: Princess Leia
Wolverine: Han Solo
Prof. X : Obi Wan Kenobi
Magneto: Grand Mof Tarken
SabreTooth: Darth Vader
Beast: Chewbacca
Toad: Yoda
Caliban: Emperor Palpatine
Jubilee: Wicket the Ewok / Jawa
Gambit: C-3P0
Bobby Drake: R2D2
Mystique: Boba Fett
Colossus: A storm trooper.
Help me Obi Wan: Part 1
Gambit: Mon Dieu! We will all die on dis piece of junk!
Bobby: Beep Beep Boop
Gambit: Remy...I mean C3P0...tinks we are being boarded!
Bobby: Beep Boop!
The ship is boarded and Darth Vader and many Stormtroopers come on board
SabreTooth: RRRRAAAAAAARRRRRR!
Rebel Pilot: How intelligent...
Sabretooth: GRRRRR. Where are the stolen Weapon X...I mean Death Star Plans...!
Rebel Pilot: How should I know, you're the one with force!
Sabretooth: crunches rebel pilots neck a bit, then throws him away
Rebel Pilot: OUCH!
Sabretooth: Turns to many Colossuses Search this ship, take no prisoners. RAAAAAAWRRRRRR!
Meanwhile, Gambit's lost R2D2
Jean: I'm putting these stolen death star plans..or whatever they are...in here so you can find them. Help me Obi Wan Kenobi. You're my only help
Bobby: Ow, watch where you stick that thing! I mean....Beep Boop.
Gambit: Der you are you rusty piece of poutine! Who are you talking to?
Jean disappears
Gambit: Where are you going? You can't go in der! Dey will melt you down. Get it? MELT you down!
Bobby: Shut the hell up, you Beep Boop!
Gambit: Don't use dat tone of voice with me.
BANG
Gambit: What's taking you so long, open de damn ting!
Back with Jean
Colossus: There, I see somebody!
Colossus: Set your guns to Stun
Colossus: Copy that!
Colossus: Stop Mutant...I mean...REBEL scum!!
Jean: Why are you talking to yourself.
Colossus: We're not. Now, do you mind, we're trying to have a conversation here!
Jean: But you're supposed to stun me.
Colossus: Says who?
Jean: It's right on the script you Dolt.
Colossus: Oh, right....
Jean: I'm sorry, I can't work under these conditions. Can you please recast the storm troopers?
Back at Sabretooth with Jean
Sabretooth: You are a mutant and a traitor!
Jean: So are you...
Sabretooth: thinks. You are a REBEL and a traitor!
Jean: I am not.
Sabretooth: but you just said you were.
Colossus: Lord Vader, sir! An escape pod just escaped!
Jean: What was it supposed to do, dance?
Colossus: Definitely no intelligent life!
Jean: Than what are you still doing here?
Sabretooth: Where are the stolen death star plans.
Jean: Up yer ass!
Sabretooth: That's it, I'm taking you to Caliban!
Colossus: Lord Vader Sir? I think you mean Emperor Palpatine!
Down on Planet Tatooine
Gambit: 3P0 tinks it is very hot here! My Joints are freezing!
R2D2: At least you can speak English!
Remy bobs Bobby on the head
Gambit: Speak right boy!
Bobby: Beep Boop
Gambit: Dat's better!
Bobby: Beep de beep beep BOOP!
Gambit: How rude! I disown you. You walk dat way now. I will walk dis way. And don't let me catch you
Following me!
Later, with Bobby
Bobby: mechanical whimper THIS SUCKS. Nobody's around and I have to talk this robot shit.
Jubilee: jumps out U-TEEDEE!
Bobby: what the F***
Jubilee: shoots bobby with an ion gun Speak right boy!
Bobby: OUCH! can't move Who the hell are you? I mean, boop boop beep!
Jubilee: I'm Wicket the Jawa
Bobby: It's Wicket the Ewok, you moron!
Jubilee: *Shoots bobby again* Speak right Boy!
Bobby: Boop de fuckin Boop!
Jubilee: I'm wicket the Ewok too, but George Lucas and Marvel were to cheap to Hire Rogue too! Now get
Now get in my Sand Crawler!
At the Moisture Farm
Uncle Owen: I need some mutants...I mean droids to work on my farm.
Jubilee: You've come to the right place! Shows all her droids
Cyclops: Points to Remy and winks I like that one, Uncle Owen!
Gambit: Whimpers
Uncle Owen: Shut up, boy. And take those damn sunglasses off. It's not that bright out here!
Cyclops: But Uncle Owen!
Uncle Owen: Shut Up or I'll shut you up! Walks to Gambit What do you know about moisture farming
Gambit: nothing
Uncle Owen: Good, We'll take this one!
Jubilee: Excellent choice! He's very good at playing Crazy Eights!
Cyclops: Goody!
Uncle Owen: back hands Cyclops Shut up!
Jubilee: May I suggest this one! Gestures to a ugly red droid
Uncle Owen: Ok, but only cuz yer cute!
Jubilee: I know
Cyclops: But I want that one! Points to Bobby
Gambit: He's stupid
Uncle Owen: We'll take im!
Jubilee: But he's my fuck partner!
Cyclops: EW He's a droid!
Jubilee: And you're a fucking panzy, shades!
*Next Day, trying to find Bobby, who ran away cuz Uncle Owen raped him.
Cyclops: Look, there he is!
Gambit: Dat's a rock!
Cyclops: no, It's a bird
Gambit: an Air plane
Cyclops:...No, it's a crippled old man in a wheel chair on the sand.
Gambit: Sucks to be him, non?
Prof.X :I found your damn droid. He won't shut up!
Cyclops: So turn him off.
Prof.X: Hey, you're luke skywaker
Luke: Yeah, so.
Prof. X : A single, schizophrenic Storm Trooper just killed your family.
Cyclops: schizophrenic?
Prof X: HE was talking to himself...
Cyclops: ahhh...
Prof X: by the way, I have something for you.
Cyclops: Goody!
Prof. X: Hands Cyclops an eyepiece that goes over both of his eyes.
Cyclops: Was it my fathers?
Prof X: no, your father wasn't as big a panzy as you.
Cyclops: You knew my father?
Prof. X: Yes, and now come with me, we shall conquer the world! SIEG HEIL!!!
AT MOS EISELY
Logan: This beer sucks shit!
Beast: Understood
Logan: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Beast: Just that I agree with you.
Logan: you're supposed to be grunting and shit, not talking English!
Beast: Sighs I'm the most intelligent person on this movie and I'm the one who has to grunt!
Logan: Go figure!
OUTSIDE
Colossus: Where'd you get these droids old man?
Colossus: You'd better tell us or else!
Prof.X : I fished them out of your toilet!
Colossus: He fished them out of my toilet!
Colossus: Alright, pass on through!
Cyclops: How'd you do that?
Prof. X. None of your god damned business.
INSIDE
Bartender: Hey, we don't let none of those Cajun Droids in here!
Cyclops: You'd better wait outside. You go with him R2.
Prof.X: We're going to get a ride off this rock with that guy over there!
Cyclops: He looks mean.
Prof X: He'll steal your girl too!
Cyclops: WHAT?
Logan: Hey dick head!
Cyclops: WHAT?
Beast: Really Han, I think we should minimize conflict here.
Logan: Sorry, what? I can't understand what you're saying?
Prof. X: We need a ride off this rock!
Logan: I know, you already said that! Right Chewy?
Beast: sighs rrrarreeraarr
Cyclops: WHAT?
Logan: It's gonna cost ya, bub. It's gonna cost ya real good!
Prof: X: I'll pay you ten dollars!
Logan: DEAL!
ABOARD THE MILLENIUM FALCON
Cyclops: What a piece of junk!
Logan: Hey, this is the Harley Davidson model, so shut your trap, DICK!
Prof.X: As long as it's fast!
Logan: Oh, it's fast
Beast: As fast as my grandmother!
Logan: What did you say, you egg suckin piece o' blue fur!
Beast: Roraroeerororar
Logan: I thought so!
Prof.X: Now, Luke, let us do some trainging with your new eye piece!
Cyclops. Okely Dokely!
Logan: Hokey religions and Ancient Weapons are no match for a good set of claws, dick.
Cyclops: Are too!
Prof.X: What do you mean, Mr. Solo?
Logan: All I need is a good set of adamantium claws.
SNIKT
Cyclops: JEBUS!
Bobby: Hey, I saw that Simpsons!
logan bops Bobby on the head
Logan: Speak Right, Boy!
Beast: Roroeirerrosroar
Gambit: Remy suggest a new strategy.
Bobby: Oh, and what's that?
Prof.X: Bops bobby on the head SPEAK RIGHT BOY!
Gambit: Let the blue scientist win!
Logan: Yeah, Hank....I mean Chewy... has been known to rip the arm outta peoples sockets when he loses.
Beast: I HAVE NOT!
Logan: WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY? I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU!
Bobby: I have no arms. I'm R2D2
Gambit, Logan/ProfX/Cyclops: SPEAK RIGHT BOY!
Bobby: Boop boop beep.
Prof. X: Whoa, I just felt psychadelic!
Cyclops: Ben, you shouldn't do drugs!
Logan: Shut up you dick head! He isn't on drugs, Alderaan just blew up!
Cyclops: How do you know?
Logan: Cuz we've all seen this movie you moron!
Gambit: What's dat?
Logan: Looks like a moon.
Bobby: That ain't no moon!
Beast: SPEAK RIGHT BOY!
Beast: That isn't a moon!
Logan: WHAT? I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU!
Prof.X: It's a space station. I hope they serve Mickey D's!
ON THE DEATH STAR
Magneto: Ahhh, Princess Leia, how good of you to show up. Perhaps you would like to tell me where the
X-mansion is?
Jean: You idiot! You know where the X-mansion is!
Magneto: Then tell me where the Rebel base is!
Jean: Ontario. The rebel Base is Mike Harris's house! You had better blow it up soon!
Sabretooth: Bull shit! Mikey is a good friend of mine! We planned education and health cuts together!
Magneto: Then where is it Princess! Don't make me blow up your home planet!
Jean: Go ahead. See what I care.
BANG
Jean: OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED KENNY!
Magneto: What?
Jean: nothing. Really, I don't care. I hated everybody there anyway.
Magneto: EXECUTE HER!
Darth Vader: AS you wish. ROAR!
ON THE MILLENIUM FALCON
Logan: We're caught in the tractor beam
Prof.X: Does this mean there's no Mickey D's?
Gambit: You de psychic!
Cyclops: Well, can't you just turn it around
Logan: Do you have shit for brains?
Gambit: Don't answer dat!
Prof.X: This thing is HUGE.
Gambit: looking at Cyclops unlike someting, non?
Beast: This is an Imperial Space station!
Bobby: No shit sherlock!
Gambit: Speak right Boy!
Prof.X: Horror movies start off this way.
Logan: Porno movies start off this way!
the Millennium Falcon lands inside the space station
Cyclops: Let's hide!
Logan: First intelligent thing that's come outta you're mouth!
Colossus: What a piece of junk!
Colossus: It looks like the Harley Davidson model!
Colossus: This piece of junk hardly does Harley justice.
Colossus: Send a search party in!
Colossus: AYE AYE!
Scanning crew comes, boards the Falcon
BUMP THUMP
Scan dood: Um, can someone give us a hand up here?
Colossus: You go, you more qualified
Colossus: but my feet hurt!
Colossus: so, my hand hurts!
Colossus: You go.
Colossus: NO, YOU GO!
Scan dood: NOW
Colossus: Let's go together!
Colossus: OK!
they walk into the Millenium Falcon
BANG
Cyclops: What are you doing? You'll have the whole bloody station on us in a second!
Logan: I know what I'm doing!
Logan and Cyclops emerge from the Millenium Falcon wearing Storm Trooper stuff.
Cyclops: It stinks in here!
Logan: It's just your breath blowing back in your face
Prof.X: Can we come out now?
Logan: You're the psychic!
Gambit: Remy don't like dis one bit!
Bobby: You're name ain't Remy!
Gambit: SPEAK RIGHT BOY!
Logan: Shut up, you ugly tubba bolts!
Beast: Really Han!!
Logan: WHAT?
They make their way to a small control room
Logan: Ok, now what do we do?
Prof.X: I'll go shut down the tracter beam.
Logan: How, you're in a wheel chair?
Prof.X: You have an atrocious social behaviour!
Logan: thanks Chuck!
Prof.X: It's Obi Wan Kenobi to you!
Logan. Whatever. lights a cigar
Cyclops: What are you doing? That isn't in the script!
Logan: What, you wanna bitch stick?
Beast: I say we go save the princess?
Logan: WHAT?
Cyclops: How do you know the princess is here?
Beast: I saw the movie!
Logan: WHAT?
Cyclops: Then I'm gonna save her, and we're going to get married.
Logan: smirks Sorry, bub, but when she gets a sight of your small dick, she's gonna come running to me.
Cyclops: and yours is soooooooo much bigger!
Gambit: I'll put my money on it!
Cyclops: you're a droid, you have no money!
Prof.X: Alright! I'll go shut the tractor beam down, Luke, you and Han put some cuffs on Chewbacca and
Pretend you are taking him to the detention area. The princess should be there.
Cyclops: Why do I have to go with him?
Logan: Cuz you'll die if you don't.......Yeah, why don;t we just let him go by himself?
IN THE DETENTION CENTRE
Cyclops: This sucks. The place is guarded, and we'll never find her.
Logan: How bout you stay out here, and I'll do all the work.
Cyclops: and let you get the girl, I don't think so!
Logan: as if you would anyway!
Colossus: What are you doing here?
Logan: releases Beast's cuffs LOOK OUT HE'S LOOSE!
Colossus: KILL THE BEAST!
Cyclops: WE'RE SAVAGES, SAVAGES, BARELY EVEN HUMAN!
Logan: that's Pocahontas, bub!
Colossus: Yeah, I was singing Beauty and Beast!
Beast: Yes, well, this is STAR WARS you ignoramuses!
POW, BANG, THUMP, BUMP, CRACK, CRASH
Logan: GIVE IT TO ME BABY, UH HUH UH HUH!
Cyclops: UNE DUS TRES QUATRE CINKO CINKO SAIS!
Beast: Now that everybody is dead, how about we get the Princess
Logan: AND ALL THE GIRLIES SAY I'M PRETTY FLY
Cyclops: FOR A WHITE GUY!
Jean: HEY YOU MORONS! HOW ABOUT SAVING ME?
They save Jean
Logan: uh oh. They got back up on the way!
Colossus: FREEZE REBEL SCUM!
Jean: he got it right this time!
POW
Jean: Alright! Down the hole!
Logan: But that leads to the trash compactor!
Jean: SO, YOU EITHER STINK OR YOU DIE! YOU CHOOSE!
Logan: Alright, Jeannie, relax!
Cyclops: WHAT DID YOU CALL HER.
Jean: look just go down the hole!
IN THE TRASH COMPACTOR
Logan: Wow, it's stinks.
Jean: At lease you're not dead.
Logan: that would break your heart, wouldn't it sister!
Cyclops: Hey, something just grabbed my foot.
Logan: Good, maybe it will kill you.
SPLASH
Jean: LUKE LUKE!, WHERE ARE YOU.
Logan: Don't worry about it, Darl'n, I'm all that matters.
Jean: I'm trying to follow the script, in case you didn't notice.
Logan: Who needs a script when you've got me?
Beast: LUKE!
Logan: WHAT?
Cyclops: Covered in Shit OH MY GOD, It...it just disappeared.
CREEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAK
Logan: What the hell was that
Jean: You've never seen this movie, have you.
Logan: Look, your highness-ness–
Beast: Um...We're all going to be turned into pancakes in a minute
Logan: WHAT?
Cyclops: 3PO? 3PO? DO YOU READ ME?
Back in the little control room
Gambit: Remy need a drink...
Bobby: You're name ain't Remy!
Gambit: SPEAK RIGHT BOY!
Bobby: BOOP BEEP!
Gambit: Why would I want to shut down de trash compactors?
BACK IN THE SHIT BOX
Logan: he can't satisfy you with his little worm
Beast: Logan, we don't have time for this!
Logan: But I can pump you out with my super sperm!
Jean: Whatever!
Cyclops: 3PO! COME IN 3PO!
Gambit: OK OK, I'll DO IT!
CREEEEAAAAAK
Beast: We're alive!
Logan: What an observation!
AT THE TRACTOR BEAM SITE
Prof.X: I'll just pull this and push this..
BANG
Prof.X: oops!
BACK WITH THE GANG
Logan: Let's run this way
Colossus: FREEZE!
BANG
Colossus: Ouch....
Cyclops: he just shot himself....
ON THE MAIN DECK
Darth Vader: I feel a presence
Magneto: Yeah, me too, and it's yours. Now get lost!
Darth Vader: One I haven't felt in a long time....
BACK WITH THE GANG
Cyclops: Let's split up, I'll take Leia, Han, you take Chewie
Logan: Like hell I will!
POW
Cyclops: Ok, I'll take Chewie!
Beast: this way.
Cyclops and Beast get to a dead end, and they have to get across the big gap somehow. Cyclops take out a long cord, swings and then makes sure it's secure. Beast jumps into his arms, then kisses him on the cheek
Beast: For good luck!
The two swing across, but Beast is too heavy and the cord snaps.
Beast and Cyclops: AAAAAHHHHHHHHH
BACK WITH LOGAN AND LEIA
Logan: I've got a bad feeling about this...
Jean: It's about time you said that!
Colossus: Alright, it's time for you dweebs to give up. I'm growing tired here.
Logan: look Bub! There ain't no way your more tired that I am
POW
Logan grabs Jean's arm and they run for the Falcon
Logan: I sure hope Chuck got that tractor beam down...
Jean: Who's Chuck?
Logan: Cute, sister, really cute!
Jean: You came in that hunk of Junk! Hey! Is that the Harley Davidson model?
Logan: Damn Straight!
Jean: You're braver than I thought!
BACK WITH CYCLOPS AND BEAST
Cyclops: Ouch
Beast: What do you mean, you're the one who landed on top of me!
Cyclops: Where are we?
Beast: where we started. Look, there's Han and Leia!
Cyclops: and the hunk of junk
Beast: Hey, I'm co-pilot on that thing.
Cyclops: Sorry. Hey, there's Ben!
Beast: AND THERE'S SABRETOOTH!.... I mean Darth Vader!
SABRETOOTH AND PROFESSOR X
Sabretooth: The circle is now complete. When I left, I was but the learner. Now I am the Master!
Prof.X: That's pretty impressive. I didn't think you capable of memorizing a line that long!
SabreTooth: Draw your weapon you old fart!
ProfX: You can't win, Darth. If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can possibly
Imagine!
Professor X touches his temples with his hands and sends pretty pictures to Sabretooth's mind
Sabretooth: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Claws Xavier across the chest and Xavier falls
Cyclops: BEN, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Colossus: FREEZE REBEL SCUM!
Prof.X: I'm not really dead you idiot. Get to the ship and blast off!
Colossus: I SAID FREEZE!
Logan: You heard Chuck, let's go dick head!
ON YAVIN 4
Rebel guy: It's real easy. As you can see from these stolen Weapon X..er...I mean death star plans, you just
Fire some torpedoes in here and KAAAAABOOOOOOOM. Bye bye birdie. Got it?
Cyclops: oooo, oooo, Question!
Rebel guy: What is it Skywalker!
Cyclops: what is we have to go to the bathroom?
Rebel guy draws and gun and shoots Cyclops between the eyes
Rebel Guy: He's stupider than my droid!
CHEERING
Jean: So, Han, are you going to help us destroy the death star?
Logan: will you sleep with me?
Jean: no
Logan: then sorry, darl'n, I've got some debts to pay off. Jabba's`gonna get pretty pissed off at me!
Jean: You don't mean that. You're not that shallow.
Logan: You're right. I'd give you the moon even if you spat in my face. I'll suit up!
Jean: I knew I could count on you!
THE ATTACK ON THE DEATH STAR
Logan: Ok Hank, I guess we can quit this star wars mumbo jumbo. Let just blow up this bitch.
Beast: Understood.
Wedge Antilles: Millennium Falcon, are you ready to go?
Logan: I was born ready!
Wedge Antilles: LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
Beast: Impressive!
IN THE DEATH STAR
Magneto: Evacuate? In our moment of Triumph? I think you overestimate their chances!
Imperial Officer: Sir, half of the Death star is gone, and Darth Vader has left!
Magneto: Why you cowardly little mutant! JUDO CHOP!
Imperial Officer: that's not in the script!
Magneto: Screw the script! BLOW THAT BLOODY YAVIN MOON UP!
BACK WITH LOGAN
Logan: Alright! Let's go in!
Beast: For the love of Jebus, watch out for that ion canon!
Logan: I'm watching!
Beast: You're glad Luke's dead aren't you!
Logan: Of course. What kind of stupid question is that!
Cyclops: Over the radio I'm not dead. Now cover me!
Logan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Beast: just cover him.
Voice of Prof.X: LUKE, USE THE FORCE!
Cyclops: Force? What force? You never told me anything about a force.
Logan: We'll just get Beast to fart and we'll end it all.
Beast: Not funny!
Prof.X: look you little punk ass, just use the damn eye piece I gave you!
Cyclops: Alright already!
Prof.X: Let go....Trust me...
Logan: that is obviously part of the script.
Prof.X: you are not supposed to hear this.
Logan: THEN GET OFF THE FUCKING RADIO!
Cyclops: Am I clear Han?
Logan: Spotting Darth Vader's TIE fighter coming in for the kill, he smiles evily You're all clear kid.
Now let's blow this thing and go home!
Cyclops: Ok, I released them. They're going inAAHAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Logan: Vader=1, Dickhead=0
Beast: Let's get out of here before it blows!
Logan: Of course!
They fly away, Logan snickering at the frozen carcass of cyclops floating in space.
KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
Logan: that was the best damn show of fireworks I've ever seen!
Beast: Affrimative
BACK ON YAVIN 4
award ceremony
Login and Beast walk up the long aisle, where Jean is waiting to present them with medals.
everyone claps
BANG
Cyclops: Wait! I'm here!
Logan: What the Fuck?
Beast: Jebus!
Jean: Oh thank GOD! I thought you were dead.
Logan: a frown on his face so did I
Cyclops: I destroyed the death star. I am the king of the world!
Logan: More like the dick of the world!
Beast: Logan...
Jean: Here, you can have Logan's medal!
Logan: What!
SNIKT
Logan: I earned that thing!
Cyclops: Not as much as me!
Logan: why you panzy assed Zombie!
BANG
colossus enters
Colossus: FREEZE REBEL SCUM!
The end..... I know, it's kinda way out there, but you had better review. I will be writing the other two episodes later!
SNIKT