Pseudo-Zombie (Zombieland AU)
(inspired by mk94 ( ) "Pseudo-Zombie", all credit to mk94!)
Chapter 1: Hello
'I am so screwed.' Tallahassee thought as he lie on the floor of an abandoned shopping center. No ammo, no weapons, and no goddamn Twinkie. He'd been in such a hurry to run away from a huge herd of zombies that he'd accidentally released from another store, that he'd tripped and possibly broken his goddamn ankle. He lie on his side in front of the SAFEWAY's customer service counter, clutching his left ankle in pure agony. He'd gotten pretty far before the herd caught up with him, and he was forced to hide out in this stupid place. 'SAFEWAY. Not so safe, are you?' he cursed, glancing at the door through the crack in the aisles before him. Luckily, the door was on the other side of the store, which meant he had a little time before the zombies could get to him. He'd thought about running for it again, but when he tried to get up, his ankle just hurt one hell of a lot more and forced him to sit back down. He couldn't possibly get up on his own, at this point. He'd thought he had time to rest, to recover a little at least, but just a few minutes after he'd sat down, he'd heard the moans. Dragging himself behind the counter on hands and knees, he leaned himself against a massive tower of boxes, causing the stack to wobble a little. 'Don't fall. Don't you fucking dare fall on-' he thought before the boxes toppled over onto him. They weren't super heavy, but the contents were of something he despised: Snowballs. The pink, sticky, marshmallow balls that tasted like crap (to him), covered in pink sprinkles….buried him almost whole. He thought of screaming his head off then and there, but the sound of a moan stopped him. He looked up to see a zombie just feet from him, staring back with cold, blank eyes. Here he was: sitting in a pile of Snowballs, staring up at one of the creatures that killed his son, and with no weapons available. He would so not die like this. That zombie would get what's coming to it once it attacks him….when it attacks? He waited another minute, staring at the creature with his blue eyes twinkling in anticipation. 'Any moment now….' he thought, eyes wandering over its body. It appeared as a young man, maybe twenty when he was alive, wearing a torn and bloody collared sweater and a pair of blue jeans. It was the middle of Summer anyway, why would anyone want to wear hot clothes? Two years into the zombie apocalypse, and Tallahassee already had partners. Wichita and Little Rock, sisters as sly as sirens, had joined him on his Twinkie quest. As usual, he'd run off looking for the box of objects he desired, leaving the two of them to snipe at zombies from the car. He'd headed to "what seemed like an abandoned" TARGET, ignoring the huge padlock on the door and the bloody handprints on the windows. Yeah, all he'd wanted was his damn Twinkies. So, he'd smashed the lock off, only to almost get mowed over by a herd of about thirty or so zombies that had been locked inside. He'd booked it back to the car, only to find Wichita driving like a madwoman trying to avoid the herd he'd unleashed in the moment. So, not a good day. He glanced at the zombie again, smirking. It should be glad it still had all its limbs. He jerked as it stepped closer, footstep almost noiseless compared to his heartbeat. "Don't you fucking dare…." he hissed, glaring at it. It was strange that it still hadn't attacked, yet. The zombie's eyes were bright blue on the brink of turning white, and still showed signs of life in them. As soon as the words left his mouth, the zombie froze, a flash of curiosity sparking in its eyes. 'A zombie being curious? Shoot me here and now. And why hasn't it started chewing my damn face off, yet?' Tally questioned internally, watching as it crouched and crawled closer to him. He flinched, scooting back into the mountain of Snowballs. "What do you want from me?" he asked aloud. He watched as it lunged forward, grabbing a handful of Snowballs before jerking backwards with a blank expression aimed at him. It ripped open the first package, gulping down the first two Snowballs quickly before tearing open a second and third. Tally could only watch in awe as it ignored him, eyes wide in shock. After the fifth package, Tally started to shift aside, intent on heading for the door to find his partners. The zombie whipped around and grabbed him by the collar, pushing him to the floor. "What the hell!" the Flordan snapped, flailing uselessly against the zombie's weight on his chest. It let out a low hiss, Tally instantly going quiet in response. He stared it in the eye, staying silent as it began to bury him in Snowballs. His ears finally registered the sounds of groans and clicking not far from his hiding place, his fear almost becoming overwhelming as he lie still. Through the holes in the Snowball pile atop him, he watched the zombie stand up and turn away, meeting two other zombies at the counter's corner. He listened as they clicked and he gurgled back, watching them look carefully around the room before stumbling away. He listened to their footsteps as they left, feeling the zombie begin to weakly unbury him. Shoving through the pile of sweets, he was met with the zombie's armful of his weapons. He reached out and gently took them, looking confused. It turned and swiftly stumbled away, making a choking noise in another aisle. 'Dammit! He's calling his friends!' Tally thought, hiding behind the counter as his skin began to sweat. Waiting a full thirty minutes, he was startled by the sound of gunshots and shouting outside the store, not zombies. "Tallahassee, you idiot! Where are you, you son of a bit-" Wichita's voice cried out from the front of the store. "Here!" he shouted back, waving his gun in the air. Racing for the counter, the woman hauled him to his feet and forced him to stumbled for the door. "Next time you do this, I'm blowing your goddamn face off!" she snapped, making him smirk proudly. "I didn't know you cared, sweetheart." he chuckled back as she threw him into the backseat of the yellow Cadillac. Little Rock was taking care of the approaching zombies with a shotgun, shooting from beside the car. "Asses in the car?" she asked, sliding in beside her sister in the front seat. "Yes! Going now!" Wichita cried, slamming the gas pedal. As the car did a donut and knocked several zombies down, Little Rock handed Tally another shotgun. "Wanna shoot some of these jerks?" she asked with a smile. He nodded, taking the gun from her. Sticking the barrel out the window, he began blasting head after head as the car twirled around in the dirt. "Tallahassee is taking a break from shooting, right now! You'll sit there quietly while I try to figure out what to do!" Wichita shouted from the front seat, attempting to drive over another zombie. Little Rock smirked at Tally and began shooting again anyway. One less zombie to deal with in the future, right? That was the case, until Tally saw the one in the collar. "No! Not that one!" he shouted, Little Rock jerking in surprise. The bullet launched from her gun and into a zombie, but it was the zombie standing beside the collared one that was hit. Together, they tumbled to the ground. She popped her head back into the window and ground her teeth. "What's up with you? Tally, the man who wouldn't let a zombie walk on this earth for a second, suddenly wants them to walk around and keep me from shooting them?" she snapped. "I-uh-just wanted to shoot that one myself. Sorry, I got a little competitive there." Tally lied, cracking an awkward smile for backup. Little Rock leaned forward and stared into his eyes for a moment, smiling brightly. "Liar." she said. "It ain't a lie!" he snapped back, a little pissed at her sight of him. "Liar, liar, pants on fire, hanging from a telly wire!" she chanted back. "Fine, I lied. Happy now?" he asked back, admitting defeat. "You've been off since you got out of that shop. Tell us about it. What happened in there?" she asked. "I didn't want you to shoot that one because it didn't attack me. Back when I was in the SAFEWAY, it just stood there and stared at me. It didn't attack me at all. I was sitting there for twenty minutes, just hiding, and it didn't even try to harm me." he admitted. "What?" Wichita exclaimed from the front seat, her voice high and squeaky in surprise. "It didn't attack you. How is that even possible? These things run around eating people, Tally, they don't just stand there and stare at you." Little Rock replied, slipping casually into the seat next to him. "Yeah, you got proof?" Wichita asked, peeking into the back mirror at him. Tally dug through his bag, yanking out a rather large box of Snowballs. "It was after these, not me. It even traded me my guns and knives back to get more of them." he stated, pushing the box back into the bag. "Whatever, man. Sucks that we had to leave it behind, then." Little Rock said, looking out the window.