Author's Note: I really don't want to ruin the bright spirit of the CCS
series, but I dunno, I just ended up writing this. Please don't kill me, I
just really wanted to express a little thought about things. It's in
Syaoran's point of view. I hope you like it, somehow.
Intangible Possession
ShinSeiFuji
I woke up this morning to find oblivion. You have haunted me in my dreams again, and I have grown weary of it, for even in my dreams I can't have you.
I tried to contain the emptiness, but as I stood from the sweat- clad sheets, your smiling face flashed in my mind, as the midi of "Fly Me to the Moon" still played in my MD player, untouched from the night before. Your happiness… I want to protect it, but can I shield myself from the pain the task brings? I've known from the start, it will hurt and that it will continue on hurting until I die. Pain won't stop devouring me, and inch by inch I fall into the pit of what I've always been afraid of… oblivion.
I stopped the player when I got back to my senses, but the pain dug deeper into my heart. And I know, I've lost a piece of myself again. I lost again, to you.
I tried to forget you as the day lengthened. But the silence of the house kept me thinking. Am I always alone? I want to run into your arms, to find the strength I need. But in this painful struggle called life, you're always away. You're too far, too obscure, always beyond my grasp.
Looking back, you have always found me when you needed help. And I've always delighted myself upon seeing you smile… but was it enough? I know you were always thankful of my helpful character, but our friendship never exceeded mere acquaintance, for you only came to me if you're smile faded away… your smile, how I love it.
Finishing my morning routine, another painful thing came to my sight – the calendar. It's been two weeks since our last chat, I have been suffering this lack for many days. You should have come home a week ago, but there wasn't any call or mail from you. I guess you really don't need me right now…
I sighed as I removed my eyes off the calendar, but another idea came to me as I saw the silent telephone nearby. I should call you. I should not. What for? What's the reason? I'm curious if you have come home from vacation, but I can't let you know that. I have no strong reason. But is there a need for one? We're friends, I know you're most intimate secrets, things only you tell me, but we're friends. Just friends…
Sighing once more, I gave up as my mind lost to my heart. I dialed the familiar numbers. I have memorized them trying to call you, but seldom succeeding. I felt a weight in my stomach as the phone rang. As much as I'd like to hang up the phone like I did so many times before, a voice answered. It was long before I gathered the courage to ask your name, but as soon as the other line heard it, he called you. So… you were home after all. When? You didn't let me know. Why? I'm your friend, remember? And yes, for the same reason, I am only your friend.
"Hello?" your ever cheerful voice said. It filled me with a mixture of pain and relief, and I feel losing myself again. "Hello?" you repeated.
"Hi Sakura. It's me, Syaoran."
"Oh hello, Li-kun. How are you?"
For the first time in fourteen days, I felt happy. The chat didn't last long but in the end you asked me something that made me feel a glint of hope.
"Hey, I'm gonna tell you something." you giggled in the phone line. "But I can't tell you here though. Meet me in the park this afternoon."
I was smiling before I knew it, and I gladly carried my anxious self to the park, where I waited. Was it something special? Sure it was, you could have told me in the phone but you chose the park instead. Was it about me? Could you have possibly felt the same thing? No, it's impossible. It can't be. It must be something else. But anyway, today, I'm going to tell you. I'm going to be honest about my feelings, I'll tell it all to you. I have longed to tell you this before, but since Yukito was still on your mind, I dared not to. Now that you've recovered yourself back, I promise I'm going to tell you.
I waited for you as the hours went by, but there was no sign of you anywhere. Where are you? Did you forget to meet me here? Did you forget me again? The skies were fading to black, and I decided to come home, but I heard your voice, cheerful as ever, and I faced you as you came running to me.
"Sorry, I forgot I told you to meet me here."
"It's okay," I smiled at you but pain kept stinging me again. Was I that unimportant that you forgot?
There was a bit of silence as I tried to find the words to start telling you how I felt. But the main reason why we were here came to my mind. It was supposed to be your news, not mine, so I decided to let you say things first. "So… what's the catch?"
"Uh… oh yeah," you said a bit uneasy. Was I just seeing things or were you blushing? "It's a bit personal, but I'd like to tell you anyway."
My heart was beating madly as my breath raced with it. What was she going to tell me? Was it what I hoped for?
"You see…" your uneasy look made me more nervous. "Eriol-kun told me he likes me, and I told him that I liked him too!"
It hit me. My high hopes sank as I ate what you said word per word. I couldn't believe my ears. Was it just a dream? A nightmare perhaps. I was dissolved by the painful reality I faced, and the look of horror in my face made you fill the silence we were having.
"Li-kun, are you okay?" you asked me.
"O-of course," I stammered. "I was just shock."
You smiled at me. "So…What do you think?"
"Congratulations, Sakura. You're a perfect match." Even my own words devoured me.
"I'm so happy!" you said as you embraced me. I held you. I held you tight. But I couldn't own you. You were somebody else's.
"Really then, I'm glad for you. Now it's getting a bit late and we should get home." I told you. I always wanted you to be happy. But I guess your greatest happiness won't come from me.
"Yeah," you said happily. "Li-kun?" you said while walking away. "Thanks. Thanks for everything you've done for me," and you ran out of sight. Was this the end? Were those words the sign that you won't be needing me anymore? I have completely lost myself in these thoughts; I couldn't remember how I got home. All I could remember was that I took with me the pain. The unending pain.
The next morning was like a dream, I woke up to find you completely out of my grasp. But you were mine, I had to get you back. I want to be with you forever, I want you to be mine. I raced to your house to find you in your room.
You're mine, you're mine… that was all my mind was telling me and I smiled at you while you sat down your bed, lost in thoughts. I hurried to you and embraced you with all my might. "Sakura, I love you…"
I held you tight in my embrace. You're mine. You're mine. But you didn't seem to give notice. You shivered under me, and I let you go, but you're eyes were still far away.
And then the phone rang. It was Eriol. Jealousy stabbed me at first, but the look of horror in your face kept me alert. You sank to your knees, as you cried out loudly. It was my name. You cried out my name. But why? I'm here…And then like a whirl of thoughts, it hit me. Last night I was walking home, alone, miserable crying. I was thinking of you, and the pain I felt. Then there was a loud beeping noise, it came from a truck in the street. I wasn't paying attention. Then its headlights flashed at me. The truck. Myself. Pain. Blood. Light. Oblivion…
I understood… and I felt pain. I was wrong… pain doesn't go away when you die. I looked at you, you were still crying. And I ran to you. I held you tight. Nothing can separate us now. I embraced you and I kept on saying the same words. "You're mine…" I kept on holding you while you talked to Eriol… alas, it was about me. "You're mine," I whispered but you didn't seem to hear. "You're mine… mine… but I can't help crying… for such an intangible possession."
Quite a lot angst, ne? Gomen, but this was originally my feelings for one important person in my life. I just thought Syaoran would feel the same, if it happened to him. Sakura is not that insensitive though. ^_^.
Intangible Possession
ShinSeiFuji
I woke up this morning to find oblivion. You have haunted me in my dreams again, and I have grown weary of it, for even in my dreams I can't have you.
I tried to contain the emptiness, but as I stood from the sweat- clad sheets, your smiling face flashed in my mind, as the midi of "Fly Me to the Moon" still played in my MD player, untouched from the night before. Your happiness… I want to protect it, but can I shield myself from the pain the task brings? I've known from the start, it will hurt and that it will continue on hurting until I die. Pain won't stop devouring me, and inch by inch I fall into the pit of what I've always been afraid of… oblivion.
I stopped the player when I got back to my senses, but the pain dug deeper into my heart. And I know, I've lost a piece of myself again. I lost again, to you.
I tried to forget you as the day lengthened. But the silence of the house kept me thinking. Am I always alone? I want to run into your arms, to find the strength I need. But in this painful struggle called life, you're always away. You're too far, too obscure, always beyond my grasp.
Looking back, you have always found me when you needed help. And I've always delighted myself upon seeing you smile… but was it enough? I know you were always thankful of my helpful character, but our friendship never exceeded mere acquaintance, for you only came to me if you're smile faded away… your smile, how I love it.
Finishing my morning routine, another painful thing came to my sight – the calendar. It's been two weeks since our last chat, I have been suffering this lack for many days. You should have come home a week ago, but there wasn't any call or mail from you. I guess you really don't need me right now…
I sighed as I removed my eyes off the calendar, but another idea came to me as I saw the silent telephone nearby. I should call you. I should not. What for? What's the reason? I'm curious if you have come home from vacation, but I can't let you know that. I have no strong reason. But is there a need for one? We're friends, I know you're most intimate secrets, things only you tell me, but we're friends. Just friends…
Sighing once more, I gave up as my mind lost to my heart. I dialed the familiar numbers. I have memorized them trying to call you, but seldom succeeding. I felt a weight in my stomach as the phone rang. As much as I'd like to hang up the phone like I did so many times before, a voice answered. It was long before I gathered the courage to ask your name, but as soon as the other line heard it, he called you. So… you were home after all. When? You didn't let me know. Why? I'm your friend, remember? And yes, for the same reason, I am only your friend.
"Hello?" your ever cheerful voice said. It filled me with a mixture of pain and relief, and I feel losing myself again. "Hello?" you repeated.
"Hi Sakura. It's me, Syaoran."
"Oh hello, Li-kun. How are you?"
For the first time in fourteen days, I felt happy. The chat didn't last long but in the end you asked me something that made me feel a glint of hope.
"Hey, I'm gonna tell you something." you giggled in the phone line. "But I can't tell you here though. Meet me in the park this afternoon."
I was smiling before I knew it, and I gladly carried my anxious self to the park, where I waited. Was it something special? Sure it was, you could have told me in the phone but you chose the park instead. Was it about me? Could you have possibly felt the same thing? No, it's impossible. It can't be. It must be something else. But anyway, today, I'm going to tell you. I'm going to be honest about my feelings, I'll tell it all to you. I have longed to tell you this before, but since Yukito was still on your mind, I dared not to. Now that you've recovered yourself back, I promise I'm going to tell you.
I waited for you as the hours went by, but there was no sign of you anywhere. Where are you? Did you forget to meet me here? Did you forget me again? The skies were fading to black, and I decided to come home, but I heard your voice, cheerful as ever, and I faced you as you came running to me.
"Sorry, I forgot I told you to meet me here."
"It's okay," I smiled at you but pain kept stinging me again. Was I that unimportant that you forgot?
There was a bit of silence as I tried to find the words to start telling you how I felt. But the main reason why we were here came to my mind. It was supposed to be your news, not mine, so I decided to let you say things first. "So… what's the catch?"
"Uh… oh yeah," you said a bit uneasy. Was I just seeing things or were you blushing? "It's a bit personal, but I'd like to tell you anyway."
My heart was beating madly as my breath raced with it. What was she going to tell me? Was it what I hoped for?
"You see…" your uneasy look made me more nervous. "Eriol-kun told me he likes me, and I told him that I liked him too!"
It hit me. My high hopes sank as I ate what you said word per word. I couldn't believe my ears. Was it just a dream? A nightmare perhaps. I was dissolved by the painful reality I faced, and the look of horror in my face made you fill the silence we were having.
"Li-kun, are you okay?" you asked me.
"O-of course," I stammered. "I was just shock."
You smiled at me. "So…What do you think?"
"Congratulations, Sakura. You're a perfect match." Even my own words devoured me.
"I'm so happy!" you said as you embraced me. I held you. I held you tight. But I couldn't own you. You were somebody else's.
"Really then, I'm glad for you. Now it's getting a bit late and we should get home." I told you. I always wanted you to be happy. But I guess your greatest happiness won't come from me.
"Yeah," you said happily. "Li-kun?" you said while walking away. "Thanks. Thanks for everything you've done for me," and you ran out of sight. Was this the end? Were those words the sign that you won't be needing me anymore? I have completely lost myself in these thoughts; I couldn't remember how I got home. All I could remember was that I took with me the pain. The unending pain.
The next morning was like a dream, I woke up to find you completely out of my grasp. But you were mine, I had to get you back. I want to be with you forever, I want you to be mine. I raced to your house to find you in your room.
You're mine, you're mine… that was all my mind was telling me and I smiled at you while you sat down your bed, lost in thoughts. I hurried to you and embraced you with all my might. "Sakura, I love you…"
I held you tight in my embrace. You're mine. You're mine. But you didn't seem to give notice. You shivered under me, and I let you go, but you're eyes were still far away.
And then the phone rang. It was Eriol. Jealousy stabbed me at first, but the look of horror in your face kept me alert. You sank to your knees, as you cried out loudly. It was my name. You cried out my name. But why? I'm here…And then like a whirl of thoughts, it hit me. Last night I was walking home, alone, miserable crying. I was thinking of you, and the pain I felt. Then there was a loud beeping noise, it came from a truck in the street. I wasn't paying attention. Then its headlights flashed at me. The truck. Myself. Pain. Blood. Light. Oblivion…
I understood… and I felt pain. I was wrong… pain doesn't go away when you die. I looked at you, you were still crying. And I ran to you. I held you tight. Nothing can separate us now. I embraced you and I kept on saying the same words. "You're mine…" I kept on holding you while you talked to Eriol… alas, it was about me. "You're mine," I whispered but you didn't seem to hear. "You're mine… mine… but I can't help crying… for such an intangible possession."
Quite a lot angst, ne? Gomen, but this was originally my feelings for one important person in my life. I just thought Syaoran would feel the same, if it happened to him. Sakura is not that insensitive though. ^_^.